King of the Kill

Horror films of the ancient past (the 1940’s) were filled with the hideous fiends born from literature and myth. Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolf Man and the Mummy flew, lurched, sprang and stumbled across theater screens in numerous films – sometimes together in the same movie. They were very Human-like monsters. Once they were normal men, or in the case of the Frankenstein Monster - several normal men, but now they were set apart from the rest of Humanity through no fault of their own. Quietly, and sometimes not so quietly, they tried to fit in the best they could and just survive, and Human deaths were just a consequence of either getting in their way or pissing them off.

Horror films of long, long ago (the 1950’s) featured monsters that seemed to arrive in either of two fashions: born from atomic radiation or falling from the skies from another planet. The giant, mutated bugs and lizards, as well as the many grotesque and often rubbery aliens of this era were definitely not Human. They represented our fears of the unknown as well as the apprehension of science gone wild. They did not share our view of the world and our place in it. They were manifestations of our grudging acceptance of the fact that we were not the center of the universe, and often that universe was quite apathetic to our struggles. The deaths meted out by these monsters were either seen as a cold statistic or not seen at all, just nature taking it’s course.

Sometime in the era known as Yesteryear (starting in the 1960’s but really taking root in the 1970’s) a new monster slowly began appearing. This monster was quite often very Human. Sometimes they were decidedly not. Either way, they had one thing in common: They killed because they wanted to and further, because they liked it. These were the monsters that represented the beast within the Human animal. Despite the veneer of civilization, the depths of the Human mind concealed a great capacity for wanton violence, cruelty and evil...and these new monsters revealed to us that society isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

These are the film monsters that I’m going take a closer look at, albeit in a humorous fashion. We’re going to enter them in a little contest to see who is King of the Kill. Which one of the following nominees will win the title of Uber Killer? Let’s take a look at their stats.

Michael Myers - The original Halloween is the film that almost invented the slasher movie subgenre. I say almost as it still owes a lot to Hitchcock’s Psycho. Still, this film is what kick started a zillion copycat films. There have been eight movies in this series, but only seven of them have featured Michael Myers as the killer (not to be confused with the other Michael Myers – though I heard The Cat in the Hat drove many to murder, that doesn’t count). The third in the series didn’t even feature The Shape, as Myers is also known as, but featured a completely different story about robots, science, magic, masks and lots of dead children vomiting bugs and snakes. As a result, we can only credit Mr. Myers with seven films. Score: 7

Jason Vorhees - The Friday the 13th film series is where this hockey masked killer gained notoriety. There have been a total of eleven Friday the 13th films. However, only nine of those featured Jason as the killer. His mom was the killer in the original – and no I won’t kill your boyfriend for not knowing that, while the fifth film had a killer who only pretended to be Jason. Out of those nine, only eight bore the Friday the 13th moniker. The other three featured the famous killer’s name in the title: Jason Goes to Hell, Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason. Still, we can credit Mr. Vorhees with nine films. Score: 9

Freddy Krueger – The first movie serial killer with a tendency to spout one liners as he dispatched his victims, Freddy has starred in eight films. Six under the Nightmare on Elm Street title along with Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Freddy vs. Jason. He even had his own short lived TV series. While the deaths in Freddy’s films weren’t always the goriest, they were certainly the weirdest. Who need LDS (yes, Spock I said LDS) when you have these films? Score: 8

Candyman – Mirrors are scary! At least this film tries to send that message. Anyone who has looked into a mirror while hung over will know that mirrors are not just scary, they are horrifying. Candyman, who comes forth after some moron looks into a mirror and says his name five times, has only three movies to his credit. What happens when I watch all three in a mirror? Does he appear and give me my rental fees back? Score: 3

The Tall Man – Now this guy has balls. Killer balls at that. Balls that fly around in bizarre holding patterns then reveal an encased drill before they bore into your head or body and do an inside-out number on your brains and guts. Ouch. The Tall Man has appeared in four Phantasm films and is quite creepy, as most old people are. Worse, he transforms into a sultry vixen, lures unsuspecting (but terminally stupid) men into a graveyard where, after sex – he kills them and then reverts back to his Tall Man form. Good thing those stupid men are dead. Imagine seeing your new lover morph into an old, creepy codger right after doing the horizontal mambo? Therapy can only do so much. Score: 4

Leprechaun – Also known as that ugly, annoying short guy (no not Danny Devito). The Leprechaun series has, amazingly, lasted for six films. Six! After terrorizing Jennifer Aniston in the first one, the little terror has gone on to such adventures as Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood. I only saw the first, and I’m betting most of you haven’t seen any, if you’ve even heard of this series at all. Still, it gives work to short people, at least until George Lucas exploits them again for a Star Wars movie. Score: 6

Chucky – Another killer whose film series has changed names, so that his name is now part of the title. These killers have big egos, don’t they? Starting off in the three Child’s Play films before starring in Bride of Chucky and the forthcoming Seed of Chucky, this killer is quite the doll. Literally. I mean it. He’s a doll. As in a toy endowed with the consciousness of a serial killer. Not exactly a Toys R Us blue light special. If there ever was a film that makes it clear to boys that playing with dolls is a bad idea, the first Child’s Play is it. If there ever was a film series with a more oddball killer...I haven’t seen it. I mean, a doll that encases the spirit of a psychotic killer yet seems to be channeling Jack Nicholson in voice while stealing Freddy Krueger’s passed over one liners? The only thing crazier would be a killer snowman or something. Score: 5

Pinhead - The poster boy for acupuncture gone horribly awry. This guy has quite the posse. I mean, it seems in each Hellraiser film he’s got a new Cenobite gang backing him up. Of course I haven’t seen the last few of this eight film series, as it has been propagating on the straight to video market like tribbles on quatrotriticale, and I’m not sure what Cenobites show up. I’ve even heard that old Pinny himself only puts in token appearances, letting the series continue on name recognition and quality alone. Yeah right. I still can’t get over the one where Pinhead went into space! As absurd as that sounds, there must be something going on out there as both Jason Vorhees and the Leprechaun followed him to the final frontier (set phasers to suck). Score: 8

Leatherface – The star of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films, for which blessedly, there were quite few. Sure, the original is a classic, but the only thing the three sequels are good for is outlawed by the Geneva convention. Leatherface is one of the earliest icons in the slasher genre. Odd, since he used power tools rather than cutlery. Last year’s remake wasn’t bad, so we’ll give him half a point for rebooting his series. Score: 4.5

The Djinn – The Wishmaster series started off on half a note and quickly slid into total obscurity. There have been four films in the series about a really, really pissed off genie who gets to unleash all sorts of hell on earth after some dupe makes three wishes. Why these morons keep making wishes is beyond me, as the Djinn usually finds a way to twist them into something really nasty. This film series is another step at vilifying characters that are generally accepted to be nice, or at least halfway neutral – genies. Santa Claus has even taking to killing people in films and even the Tooth Fairy would get an evil makeover in Darkness Falls. Still, we’re a long way from the utter insanity of a walking, talking killer snowman. That could never happen. Score: 4

Norman Bates – The original whacked out killer. He just stabbed people. No one liners. No LDS. No creative, but gruesome deaths. No posse. Hell, he never even made it into space!! Wait, he did dress like his mother and provided a voice for her corpse. He starred in four Psycho films, one of which even flashbacked to when he was a kid who looked like Elliot from E.T. (maybe there is an outer space connection after all). Master Bates (snicker snicker) is probably the most realistic of all our contestants (not something so absurd as a killer doll, or can you imagine...a killer snowman), and that may make him the most boring on screen, but perhaps the most frightening in real life. Score: 4

Jack Frost – A killer snowman. A walking killer snowman. A walking, talking killer snowman. Oh my, how the mighty have fallen. There have been two films about the killer snowman (pardon me- walking, talking killer snowman) known as Jack Frost. Both films, Jack Frost and Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (I guess I had the entire name wrong) have sucked far, far worse than the Michael Keaton film of the same name which also featured a walking, talking Snowman. And that one was one big piece of sentimental doo doo. Score: 2

And our winner is.....you the reader for hanging in there this long! For second place, we’ll award the King of the Kill title to Jason Vorhees, who has starred in more films and offed more horny teenagers than anyone in history aside from STDs. You just can’t keep this guy down. Or dead. Call it the nine lives syndrome squared. Jason’s prize? He stays behind while all the others are shipped to a tropical island to play Movie Killer Survivor. At least the heat will melt that damn snowman.

-Shadow

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