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Shadow's Title: "Meteor Shit!!"

Quick buy:

There is only one way to describe how this film starts out: hip. Even as we see the Paramount and the Tonylyn (so named after producer Jack Harris’s two kids, Tony and Linda) logos, the music has kicked in with a guitar and drum-produced samba-like rhythm, the kind that makes you want to jump up and dance. Either that or jump up and leave the room. What really drives the tune, however is the saxophone, which soon has the melody squawking away in a Tequila-like (the song not the liquor, you drunks) theme that could easily be regarded as the quintessential 1950’s teen party anthem. A red dot on the black screen soon expands into a wobbly circle. As it grows, another one appears within it. Then another within that one. And so on and so on. The credits unfold as the music plays and the Blob-like circles continue to appear and expand. And then…holy crap! There are words to this music! Some guy launches into some goofball lyrics and now I find myself desperately wanting some Tequila…of the alcoholic variety. The following stanza gets repeated several times before the title finally appears in bright glowing letters, the music fades and things go black.

Beware of the Blob!
It creeps and leaps
And glides and slides across the floor
Right through the door
And all around the wall
A splotch, a blotch, be careful of the Blob.

Teenagers Steve Andrews and Jane Martin are parked at the local lovers lane where he is proceeding to crash and burn spectacularly. Luckily for him something else crashes and burns nearby – a meteorite! Like some sort of amateur scientist, Steve races off to find it, Jane forced to accompany him.

Elsewhere, someone has already located the perfectly round meteorite: an old man who lives alone with his dog in a simple shack in the woods. The old guy breaks the cardinal rule of horror films when he comes across the smoldering rock from space. Yep, he pokes it with a stick. That has never ended well for anyone in the annals of cinematic history. Withdrawing a big wad of goop from the unearthly rock, he gazes at and is quite astounded when the strange substance zooms up the length of the stick to envelope his hand. Something tells me that this isn’t just a friendly interstellar hug.

The poor old guy is having a hell of a time getting the stuff off his hand and it soon becomes apparent that it is causing him pain. He runs off helter skelter through the trees and eventually stumbles into the road in front of Steve and Jane. They load him into the back seat and race back to town to seek medical assistance for Mr. Inquisitive, flying past a car with some other teens – including Tony, Mooch and Al.

The town’s only physician, Doctor Hallen, is about to leave town for the weekend in order to attend a medical convention. The poor bastard was just a minute or two too slow in getting his ass out of sight, for just as he is locking up, along comes Steve and Jane with the old man. Hallen lets them in and takes a look at the old guy’s blobbed up hand, which is much worse than before, the Blob now covering his entire arm.

Leaving the doomed old codger in Hallen’s care, the teens head back to where they found him, in hopes of finding any clues as to his identity. They’re not too worried though, as Steve and Jane run into Tony Mooch and Al. An impromptu drag race ensues – in reverse no less (obviously achieved by rolling the film backwards) – only to stop when Lieutenant Dave spots them and bores Steve half to death with a lecture.

Steve and Jane rejoin the other teens and trade stories about the local cops, all of them agreeing that Sergeant Bert is the resident town asswipe. Thankful that they haven’t run into him tonight, Steve explains that he and Jane are heading back to search for clues to the old man’s identity. They invite the others along, who accompany them on the grounds that it won’t make them late for the midnight spook show at the movie theater where cute girls will be in abundance.

Back at Doctor Hallen’s place, the Doc is forced to call in Nurse Kate to assist him with the doomed old man. His exhaustion makes it hard for him to see the movement caused by the Blob moving around under the old man’s blankets.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the teens have come across the meteorite’s landing spot, which despite the speed and trajectory of its descent is only about five feet in diameter, rather than having leveled half the hillside. Nearby they find the old man’s shack, his barking dog the sole occupant. Afraid that the dog will be neglected, Jane takes the dog with her. Tony, Mooch and Al are eager to get to the movies and take their leave while Steve and Jane plan on heading back to Doctor Hallen’s place.

Speaking of Doc Hallen, he’s washing up when Nurse Kate arrives. He wants her to take the old man’s pulse, but when she enters the examination room, the old guy is gone. In his place is the Blob…noticeably bigger. Hallen theorizes that it absorbed the old guy completely. Kate is in full on screech-panic-shit the pants mode. She throws some acid at the Blob, but it has no effect. Hallen races to retrieve his rifle, advising her to stay still, so naturally she freaks out and trips, knocking over the light in the process.

Now it is just Hallen and the Blob – even larger now that it has gorged on a panicked nurse. Hallen plugs it with a couple of shots, but that does no good. Not realizing the Blob’s abilities, Hallen locks himself in his office and grabs the phone. Now ain’t the time to be ordering pizza, man!

Outside, Steve and Jane have returned. He tries the front door, but finds it locked, walking around back, he sees Doc Hallen through the window as the Blob is eating him. Traumatized by the sight, he returns to the car, visibly shaken. Jane opens the door, allowing the dog to run away. Steve tries to explain what he saw, but he is making no sense…sort of like one of Sarah Palin’s speeches. He decides he has to go to the police.

Storming into the police station, he announces quite loudly that “Doc Hallen has been killed!” I can see that subtle is not in his vocabulary. He tries to describe the thing that killed the doctor but is having trouble conveying his thoughts. When pressed for details, he has to admit that it was a monster that did in the doc. As expected, the cops roll their eyes at this, especially Sergeant Bert. Still, Lieutenant Dave knows that if a man really is dead, the cops need to investigate, so off they go.

Arriving at Doc Hallen’s spooky looking house, they find no evidence of the Doc, dead or alive. In fact, they see the note Hallen had affixed to his door, stating that he’d be gone for the weekend. Naturally, they think the Doc is just out of town. This is backed up by the annoying Mrs. Porter, who lives next door and confirms Hallen’s weekend plans. This still doesn’t explain why Hallen’s empty office was locked from the inside, a nearby rifle that has obviously been fired or the mess they find. Sergeant Bert is convinced that everything is an elaborately staged prank on the part of the teens, while Dave is more willing to listen, but without a body or any way to prove that Hallen is dead, there is little he can do.

I find it a little strange that the Blob absorbed all the clothes of the people it ate. The police find no sign that anyone was killed, including a lack of empty clothes lying around on the floor. Did the creature truly ingest these materials, or did it just hold on to them long enough to expel them later, out if sight? How about watches, glasses, rings and other jewelry? Did it assimilate that stuff? For that matter, what about tooth fillings, metal plates & rods, pacemakers and any other such object that a person might have within their body? Did it absorb those, too? Or did it deposit all that stuff somewhere else?

We now turn our attention to a pair of grease monkeys working in an auto shop somewhere. These poor fools are working late. Previous dialog made it clear that a phone call we saw Doc Hallen make earlier took place at around 11:00 PM. At least forty-five minutes to an hour has elapsed since then, making these two guys the most devoted employees ever. Anyway, while one guy is working under a car, mouthing off all his complaints about their boss, he fails to notice that his coworker has left. He has also failed to see the Blob approaching stealthily. The Blob however, has noticed him and moves in for the kill. A scream and some kicking legs is all we see to denote the grease monkey’s demise.

At the police station, the cops have called Steve and Jane’s parents to come pick up their wayward kids. Jane’s father is the principal of the high school and is naturally balding and uptight, more worried about his image than anything else. Steve’s dad is more laid back, not seeming too worried and sure that his son is being truthful. Before leaving with their respective fathers, Steve makes plans to secretly meet up with Jane later. Lieutenant Dave is betting that come morning, everything about the night’s events will be cleared up.

Later at Jane’s house, the true monster of the film is revealed. Jane is attempting to sneak down the stairs for her secret rendezvous with Steve, when her little brother Danny catches her on the stairs, loudly asking her where she is going. Frantically she tries to quiet the kid down, explaining that she has something important to do. He wants to come so he can “gawd” her (guard her) but she says it is best if he stays to “gawd” their parents. She seals the deal by telling him that if he shuts the hell up and gets his ass back to bed, she might bring him a dog.

Steve likewise has secretly left his house, after fooling his parents into thinking he was asleep. When he was in his bed, we can hear his parents talking to one another from their own bedroom. We can hear them quite clearly. Frighteningly clear if you think about it. Over the years, what other sounds did Steve hear coming from his parents’ bedroom at night? Not just the squeak of a mattress and bedsprings or the creak of a floorboard, but the euphoric cries of two people in the throes of passionate lovemaking. Old people at that. The mere idea is enough to induce nightmare imagery capable of reducing one’s mind to oatmeal. It’s a miracle that Steve has not been in need of some serious therapy for years now.

Meeting up with Jane, they discuss the night’s events. Steve goes over all the things he has seen and with Jane’s support, he decides that they need to find proof of the Blob’s existence. To this end, they opt to enlist the aid of Tony, Mooch, Al and some of the others local teens.

Of course, Tony, Mooch and Al are at the movie theater for the midnight spook show, watching the old film, Daughter of Horror (which featured Ed McMahon…yes, that Ed McMahon). Tony has found a cute girl to sit next to, while poor Mooch and Al are stuck with each other in the row behind them. Steve and Jane arrive and convince Tony and the gang to leave before the grumpy old man a couple rows back gets too surly with them for making noise and interupting the film. Wait! Why is an old guy like that at the spooky show so late on a Friday night? I’m lucky to stay awake past ten PM and I’m only half that old guy’s age.

Once outside, Steve explains what has transpired that night, detailing the thing that came from the meteorite and how he saw it kill Doc Hallen. The others laugh at first, but at Tony’s insistence, they begin to take him seriously. They split up into teams and head out to warn the townsfolk.

By the way, the movie theater has a coming attraction poster for a film called The Vampire and the Robot. Needless to say, this movie is quite fictional and astute viewers will note that the image is just a mock-up of the Forbidden Planet poster. Speaking of the movie theater, Tony reveals that the admission price was eighty cents! Sheesh, I wish that was still the price! The lowest price my memory recalls is about two dollars. I haven’t been to a full price movie in years, so I don’t even know what it is these days. Twelve bucks? Fifteen bucks? Twenty? Nothing would surprise me. BTW, am I the only one who thinks that the title The Vampire and the Robot is the perfect name for a film focusing on the 2000 presidential election?

At the Police Station, Sergeant Bert comes in and tells Dave about running into a man who reported an empty bar. Checking further, he found the place deserted, the doors unlocked, lights on, TV blaring, cash untouched, but no one about. Of course you and I know that anyone who was in that place has been absorbed by the Blob, but the cops don’t know that yet. Dave tries to reach Doc Hallen in Johnsonville again, still thinking the Doc is out of town, but has no luck. Calling it quits for the day, he heads for home.

The teens are out and about warning people, but are having no success. The only folks still awake are partygoers too drunk to give a rat’s ass, bar patrons too drunk to give a rat’s ass or other kids making out in the bushes who are too horny to give a rat’s ass. While cruising around, Steve and Jane see the old man’s dog in front of the supermarket owned by Steve’s dad. Stopping to retrieve the animal, they discover that the store is unlocked. Unusual, as the man who cleans up should have secured the place when he left.

Venturing inside, they find the store dark. They also find the mop and bucket left by the guy who was supposed to clean up. Adding to their list of discoveries is the Blob itself, now grown quite large. Startled, Jane drops the dog. Steve pulls her to safety, but the Blob chases them through the store. They attempt to flee out the back, but the rear door is chained shut. With no other option, they hide in the freezer where Jane nearly has a nervous breakdown. The Blob tries to slide in under the door, but pauses before it slides back out and goes away. The two teens wait a while and then head back out. With no sign of the monster, they high tail it out of the store.

Outside they meet up with Tony and the others, who assure a worried Jane that the little dog managed to escape. They rush to a public phone and call the police so they can come down and deal with the monster in the store. Unfortunately, it’s Sergeant Bert who answers the call and his response to their pleas is about what you’d expect: he nearly has a coronary.

The kids now have no choice but to alert the town on their own terms since the authorities have shown no interest in helping them. This is accomplished by gathering all their cars together at the supermarket and honking their horns in a discordant chorus of blaring sound. This in turn triggers a loud emergency air raid siren in town that is apparently the signal for everybody to congregate at the supermarket. With all the racket, Jane’s parents wake to find her gone and little brother Danny asleep on in the couch, “gawding” them.

With half the town now standing in front of the supermarket, Steve tries to warn them of the danger. The cops show up and check the store, but find no monster. And why is that? Because the Blob has made its way over to the movie theater, where the midnight spook show is in full swing. The first thing the Blob does is put the squeeze on the projectionist before he can change the reel (though the poor guy looks like he is wrestling with ten pounds of strawberry jam when it grabs him). Then it pushes its way into the theater, which is full of unsuspecting snacks…er…people.

At the supermarket, the screams from fleeing moviegoers can be heard and everyone rushes to the theater, where people continue to pour out of the place. So many folks come scurrying out of there, that I want to know who, if anyone, was killed by the Blob inside. A veritable shitload of people came storming out as if someone was threatening to play a Uwe Boll film, so there could not have been too many people left behind and gobbled up by the monster. Maybe that one grouchy old man was the first to go and everyone ran like hell when they saw him covered in goo. Knowing him, he probably told the Blob to be quiet just before it engulfed him. Realistically, unless someone turned their head back and looked at the projection booth to see why the film had stopped playing, the first inkling anyone in the place should have had that something was wrong, was when the first horrifying shrieks of terror and pain tore through the air, emitted by someone in the back row and thus, right beneath the Blob as it entered the theater. Then again, I’ve heard such screams in the movie theater before and there were no man-eating blobs from outer space there…just people reacting to the concession stand prices.

The Blob emerges from the theater, now truly huge. It plops around the street some, withstanding a withering attack by young Danny and his toy gun. The kid tries to hide in a nearby diner. Steve and Jane run inside to rescue him, but it’s too late. The Blob assaults the diner in a move that makes in appear to have more amorous intentions rather than just gastronomic. With the diner covered by the Blob, it certainly looks bad for those trapped inside.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

In their attempts at killing the Blob, the cops try dropping power lines on it, hoping to fry it with electricity. The only thing that accomplishes is shorting out the power to the diner and causing a fire. Grabbing a fire extinguisher, Steve puts the fire out. While doing so, he inadvertently hits the Blob with the cold spray, causing it to retreat. Realizing that the monster hates the cold – and remembering that it failed to chase he and Jane into the supermarket freezer – he conveys to Dave the need to freeze the creature.

A mad dash is on to find and retrieve co2 fire extinguishers, the kids using their hot rods to ferry Jane’s dad to the school where there are twenty such items. Returning, they spray the Blob, which curls up and freezes, allowing those in the diner to escape. Talking with one another, Dave and Steve note how the Blob is not truly dead. The last we see is the Air Force dropping a frozen Blob into the arctic snow, where it will stay…as long as the artic stays cold.

Are you seriously telling me that the military or the government took no interest in the frozen Blob at all? Yeah right. I could just see eyes lighting up all over Washington at the prospect of some new bio weapon with which to fight the Red Menace. Yes, the monster is dangerous, but who would not want to exploit it in some fashion? Even if it were not going to be utilized for any sort of weapon, I’d think some scientists somewhere would want to study it (under controlled conditions of course). In fact, leaving such a potentially dangerous organism in the arctic where anyone could come along and take it was just flat out foolish. It would have been better if it was stored in a government facility somewhere (alongside the Ark of the Covenant no doubt) and guarded day and night. If you don’t want the responsibility for keeping it and don’t want to run the risk of another nation, terrorist group, etc. getting their dirty little hands on it, then shoot it into deep space. The temperature there is so cold; the arctic looks like Satan’s workshop by comparison. The chances of mankind ever encountering it again in the staggering vastness of space is remote and it would take thousands, if not millions of years for it to reach another star system where it might thaw out again.

The End

Call it what you will, but for me this movie easily fits into the classic category. It has a great premise and is well written, unfolding at a leisurely pace, but maintaining a subtle (very subtle) sense of unease throughout until the climax. While there are more chills than thrills or spills, the movie is engaging and easily keeps the interest of those viewers not afflicted with ADD by actually using its characters and bringing them to life beyond cardboard cutout status. While they might seem more like cliches in modern hindsight, they still possess a certain charm and earnestness that makes them appealing. The creature FX required to bring the Blob to life are damn near the simplest ever in the history of horror cinema: a big scoop of dyed silicone gel. Getting the creature to move however, took a little bit more creative thinking, but the end result is pretty damn good considering the budget and the technology of the day. The film benefits from an upbeat rock and roll song for its main theme, as well as good sound effects on occasion, which aid in setting the mood and atmosphere. If there is any drawback, it’s the decisions forced upon the producers by their limited resources, such as more dialog and less monster action than many would like, as well as oddly framed shots here and there due to the short supply of film stock. Multiple takes were out of the question as well, so you do get a few instances of actors looking dangerously close to the camera, if not staring right into it.

If you are already a fan of 50’s monster flicks (and I commend you on your impeccable taste), then this is an absolute must see. Then again, if you really do appreciate such films, you have probably already seen it multiple times and own a copy of it in one form of media or another. If you have not seen it, then what are you waiting for? Get yourself a copy ASAP! On the flip side to that coin, if older films are not your cup of tea, then this might not be the film for you. While it is in color and closer to modern cinematic styles than that of a film from the early 40’s or 30’s, it is still a product of a bygone age. There is no swearing, no naked chicks (or dudes for those who want to see that) and no gore of any kind. Also, the pacing is slow by current standards and jaded viewers will not find it scary or creepy at all. So, if that sounds positively dull to you, by all means, don’t bother. I doubt that me recommending it would change you mind.

Love it or hate it, this film will always be considered one of the quintessential teen horror films from the 1950’s. Some people will find it long-winded, glacially paced, filled with cheesy FX and boring as hell. Others will find it fun, with subtle scares, a frightening monster and a story that will have them glued to the screen for eighty-two minutes. If you consider yourself in the former category…then what in the hell are you doing here, this far into this review? Go rent a Rob Zombie film or something. Needless to say, I count myself in the “love it” category.

Deaths: 7 confirmed, 40 to 50 estimated
Cigarettes smoked: 9
Times Jane loses old man’s dog: 2
Bad day-for-night shots: 4
Instances of people using phone: 20
Actors who look like teenagers: 0
Instances of Blob wrestling: 2
Car races: 1
Finger snaps in theme song: 38
Seconds to find fuse box in strange house: 16
Film crew who show up on screen: 2
Co2 extinguishers owned by fire department: 0

Shadow's Drinking Game: Every time Sergeant Bert grouses at or about teenagers, take a drink.

Steve encounters the Old Man.

Old Man: “Take me to a doctor!”
Steve: “What’s the matter?”
Old Man: “I can’t get it off!”

Shadow’s Comment: This is the tragic result of foolishly mixing up Krazy Glue and personal lubricants.

Dave stops Sergeant Bert from storming the theater with his rifle.

Dave: “Don’t go in, Jim. This won’t do any good. It’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

Shadow’s Comment: Uwe Boll has struck again!

• Giving a girl demeaning nicknames on your fist date is not always a good idea.
• Meteorites always crash to earth closer than they really appear.
• Meteorites are perfectly round.
• If you should ever find a recently crashed meteorite, by all means…poke it with a stick.
• Bored cops play chess to pass the time late at night.
• Neighbors are on 24/7 call to watch your home while you're away.
• Auto garage mechanics routinely work until midnight.
• In the 1950’s, men wore suits everywhere and at all hours.
• A cacophony of car horns will trigger air raid sirens.
• The Fire Department always has a spare gun within easy reach, but has to go looking for an extinguisher.

Boy, oh boy. Where to begin? My earliest memories of this film are from the early 1970’s, when I was a wee lad of about four or five. I can recall watching the film at home with my older sisters and plainly remember looking at the Blob after it emerges from the movie theater, trying really hard to grasp what its shape was supposed to be, as I was expecting it to be a normal “solid” monster of some kind. This was a movie that I saw several times by the dawn of the 1980’s, when I began entering my early teens. The film was aired often in our area and since this was before we had a VCR, let alone Tivo or a DVR, we had to watch things when they aired or we were pretty much SOL. There was one instance that I will always remember.

The way our house was set up, the kitchen was adjacent to the family room, where the television was located. A small wall, about three and a half feet high separated the two rooms, so it was easy for people in either room to converse back and forth. Plus, from the kitchen table, one could see and hear the television. It was from this location that my mother would sit and work her crossword puzzle magazines. She wouldn’t have to be too close to the TV, but was still able to monitor anything I was watching. Mom tended to frown on anything that seemed supernatural in the slightest sense of the word.

On this one occasion, my father and I were in the family room, stretched out on the couch and floor, respectively. The moment came near the middle of The Blob when Steve and Jane go to the movie theater to enlist the help of Tony, Mooch and the others. At this point the movie shows us a clip of the film within the film, Daughter of Horror. During this particular moment, the narrator of that film says, “Yes, I am here. The Demon who possesses your soul.” Upon hearing this, my mother instantly called out, “Timothy, what are you watching in there?” I told her that we were watching The Blob. She didn’t believe it. My dad confirmed to her what we were watching. She still didn’t buy it, having just heard a reference to demons and soul possession, and said as much. At this point my father and I began laughing our asses off and had to explain to her about the old film that was playing in The Blob. Eventually she understood and let it go, but for years after that (more like decades) the incident was something the three of us would laugh about. Often, when tuning into to some movie, my father and I would repeat that line of dialogue from Daughter of Horror, only to get my mother to roll her eyes at us. Sadly, my mother has been gone for several years now and my dad moved out of state, so such memories are mine and mine alone to recall and enjoy.

In the twenty-five years or so since that fateful night (damn, has it really been that long?) I have seen The Blob countless times. It ranks in my top ten favorite films from the 1950’s and I can practically recite the dialog from memory at this point. Oddly enough, the film has inspired many nightmares over the years where I am being pursued by such a creature and cannot seem to get away from it. The Blob is a relentless monster because it reacts to nothing more that stimuli. Such mindless and relentless monsters are the type that frighten me most (well, ok, not frighten…more like unnerve). When I first saw the price of the Criterion DVD for The Blob, I balked, but I knew I had to have it sooner or later and went ahead and plunked down the cash for it. I have no regrets...

Shadow's rating: Nine Tombstones

The Good

• Inventive and somewhat original monster
• Great FX for lack of budget and experience
• Eerie atmosphere
• Good characters
• Groovy theme song

The Bad

• Leads are pushing 30 rather than 20
• Not a lot of monster action until end
• Lack of hot chicks
• Laughing people in “terrified” crowd
• Annoying people not absorbed by Blob

The Ugly

• Perspective in some FX shots is off
• Bad day for night shots
• Irritating kid
• Some actors look right into camera
• Film crew caught on camera too often

This review is part of The Blob Family Picnic Roundtable. Be sure to click the banner and read all the other great reviews.

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