The
film opens with the voice of The Wizard:
"Between
the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of
Aryas there was an age undreamed of, and unto this…Conan, destined
to bear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I,
his chronicler who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you
of the days of high adventure."
Now
the kick ass score from Basil Poledouris kicks in and we are treated
to scenes depicting the forging of a sword as the remaining credits
unfold. We see a young Conan and his parents taking great care in crafting
this fine weapon. Finally, when the credits end, we see Conan’s
father talking to him and relating to him some legends about the god
they worship – Crom, and the enigma of steel.
Now
we see some riders bearing a serpent standard coming over a snowy hill.
Soon enough the people of Conan’s village see what is thundering
down upon them and take up arms to defend themselves. Now we get several
minutes of the raiders massacring the villagers, including Conan’s
father, who is torn apart by dogs.
With
the village in flames and the people defeated, the leader of the raiders
approaches on horse and dismounts. He is Thulsa Doom, though we won’t
learn that for a while yet. His two lieutenants hand him the sword wielded
by Daddy Conan and then he approaches Conan and his mother. She is holding
up a sword to fend off the raiders, but Doom uses his hypnotic mojo
on her and she lowers the weapon. He turns to go then suddenly spins
around and swings Daddy’s sword, which cleanly removes mom’s
head. Conan can only watch in sadness as his mother’s headless
body falls to the ground beside him. Doom fixes him with a stare and
then leaves.
Now
all the village children are rounded up, chained together and marched
North until they come to a barren landscape dominated by a strange contraption.
A large turnstile with several large logs as spokes sits in the middle
of nowhere and the children are each chained to a spoke and made to
push it. Used to grind grain, it is called The Wheel of Pain
(hey that rhymes). Various shots depict the passing of years and the
aging of the children, until we finally see a single youth pushing the
entire turnstile. He looks up and we see that Conan is now an adult
and ripping with muscles. After a few more shots of him pushing the
gizmo, a rider approaches and soon Conan is led off by him, chained
to his horse. It seems this guy has bought Conan as a slave.
Conan
becomes a pit fighter, earning money for his owner and glory for himself
because of his violent wins. In time he is taken to the East where he
is trained by war masters in the use of the sword. He is also taught
how to read and write with various texts and philosophies made available
to him. Being such a stud, he is bred to various women, no doubt in
hopes of creating more excellent fighters.
Then
one dark and stormy night (how is that for a cliché) his owner
breaks his chains and sets him free. Why does he do this? I have no
idea. Conan runs off into the night, but before too long is being pursued
by a pack of wild and feral dogs (or wolves). He eludes them by climbing
a large pile of boulders, but slips and falls into a hidden cavern.
He manages to get a fire going and does some exploring. He finds the
burial tomb of some ancient king or warrior. He helps himself to the
dead guy’s sword. Well, that guy ain’t gonna be needing
it anymore, right? Believing the sword to be a gift from his god Crom,
he emerges from the cavern to find it is now day and uses the weapon
to remove the manacles still on his ankles. We can still hear the dogs
barking, but one assumes that he quickly ran them off, as the next shot
shows him jogging through the wilderness.
As
he’s wandering the countryside, he comes across a lone cabin.
A sultry woman invites him in to warm himself by her fire. So he goes
in, relaxes and has a drink like she’s running some primitive
motel six. The woman starts mumbling about how she knew he would come
– a warrior from the north who would one day be king by his own
hand and who would crush the snakes of the earth. At the mention of
the word snakes, Conan tells her that he seeks a standard made of snakes.
She seems to know what he is after and says that there will be a price.
The next thing you know, these two are screwing like horny rabbits.
The woman (whose level of hospitality has really improved my opinion
of her) starts calling out the name Zamora (which a little research
reveals to be the name of an ancient kingdom of the Hyborean age). The
screwing continues and the light in the cabin changes from red to blue.
The woman then goes nuts, her eyes turning wild and her teeth suddenly
looking like a hacksaw. She attacks Conan (so much for her hospitality
rating) but he just rolls over and throws her into the fire. She seems
to jump out momentarily, then transforms into a small ball of flames
and bounces her way out of the cabin and off into the night.
So
morning comes and Conan emerges from the cabin. He doesn’t seem
the slightest bit fazed by events of the previous evening. A voice nearby
calls for food. Conan investigates and meets Subotai, a thief and archer
whom the Witch had chained up so she could feed him to the wolves. The
two hit it off and begin traveling together, eventually arriving at
some city, or what was called a city in the Hyborean age. Cities are
new to Conan and he takes it all in wide-eyed. Then they are off again
to a new city. Everywhere he goes, Conan asks about a snake standard
until a drug peddler points him toward the tall towers of the Snake
Cult that seem to rise in every city.
So,
the two decide they are going to break into the local snake tower and
divest the owners of any jewels and riches they may be hoarding. As
they approach the tower they run into Valeria and it is soon apparent
that she is there to rob the place as well. Birds of a feather flock
together, so the trio decides to scale the walls of the tower as a group.
At the top they find a shaft that descends the height of the tower and
more – reaching down to sub-levels below ground. Quietly they
descend and on one of these lower levels they see members of the Snake
Cult performing some kind of ritual. Valeria opts to stay and explore
while Conan and Subotai descend even further. They find a chamber where
a huge snake is resting. There is also a huge jewel nearby and they
quietly sneak up and snatch it. However, sweat from Conan’s brow
drops onto the snake, waking it. They go to leave, but Conan sees an
emblem of the snake standard above the doorway and is reminded of the
standard bore by the raiders who massacred his village. He takes that
as well, but is unaware that the big-ass snake is now awake and moving
towards him. It attacks, but he and Subotai dispatch it rather quickly
and messily.
Meanwhile,
Valeria has disguised herself as a cult member. The cult ritual seems
to involve stripping some gal nearly naked and having her jump into
the pit with the big snake. She does a free fall and goes POW on the
hard ground. She then screams when she sees what is left of the snake.
I take it she was supposed to be a sacrifice to the snake, and must
have considered it an honor to be gulped down by it. Idiot. So now the
cult is in a panic and Valeria sees Conan and Subotai escaping back
up the rope to the top of the tower. She manages to evade the cult,
and by tying a rope around the neck of some poor fool, and using him
as a counter weight, she rides a rope to the top. At the top, the three
thieves opt for the quickest way down the outside of the tower –
they jump. Luckily, there is a big pool of water in which to land.
The
trio now celebrates their good fortune. They take their newfound riches
and live it up in grand style. As they do this, Valeria and Conan grow
closer...and it ain’t too long before they are screwing, too.
More scenes follow that convey the idea that is not some cheap affair.
The two have genuinely grown rather fond of one another. Time goes by
and exactly how much boozing, partying and shopping the three do is
unclear, but finally there comes a point where they are just exhausted
from it all.
Long
about now, some of the local king’s guards show up and haul them
off to see their boss. King Osric the Usurper holds no great love for
the Snake Cult and salutes the three for what they have done. The king
is grieved because his own daughter has fallen under the spell of Thulsa
Doom and the cult. He wants the trio of thieves to rescue her and return
her to him, offering as many jewels as they can carry in payment. Once
the three are alone, Valeria and Subotai don’t wish to undertake
the king’s quest. Valeria values what she has found with Conan
and does not wish to throw it away. As they embrace, Conan looks at
the emblem of the snake cult. When morning arrives, Valeria wakes to
find herself alone.
So
Conan rides East towards Thulsa Doom’s mountain of power. Through
desert and snow he makes his way, meeting people along the way who point
him further East when he inquires about the Snake Cult. He even runs
into The Children of Doom, followers of Thulsa Doom on a pilgrimage
to the mountain of power. Eventually Conan comes across a Stonehenge-like
location near the sea, complete with large boulders and rocks formed
into patterns and an altar atop a small hill. Skeletons abound and the
entire place seems to be some burial ground for ancient kings and warriors.
Here he meets The Wizard, whose voice has been interrupting the movie
from the beginning. The Wizard gives him the low down on the local area
and Conan leaves his belongings with him so he can disguise himself
as a pilgrim on a camel.
Conan
rides to a large encampment of Doom’s followers. Some are singing,
some are praying and some are burning incense. Think of it as a prehistoric
Woodstock – without the rock music. Conan settles in with the
hippies…er…followers and when morning arrives everyone is
off on foot to Doom’s fortress. Leading the way are some of his
priests, who pass out white robes to all the pilgrims. Conan gets one
such priest alone and savagely beats him over the head before taking
his robe.
So
now disguised as a priest, Conan makes his way with all the others to
Doom’s fortress. The fortress itself is mostly underground, with
only a large wide stairway and an entrance adorning the mountainside.
Still, even that is pretty damn big. All the followers cram the staircase
and take seats on the steps. As Conan approaches, a guard stops him
but he hands over the snake emblem he took from the snake tower. The
guard lets him by, but takes the emblem over and shows it to Rexor and
Thorgrim. Atop the stairs, King Osric’s daughter emerges from
the entrance, holding snakes in her hands, and then Thulsa Doom himself
appears and speaks. Rexor and Thorgrim close in on Conan and he is unmasked
as an infidel. He is hauled off, kicking and screaming while Doom watches
from above.
He
is taken to a courtyard where Rexor and Thorgrim beat the hell out of
him. Thulsa Doom arrives and questions him. Conan accuses him of killing
his parents and his people. Doom admits that it was probably when he
was younger, when he searched for steel and prized it above gold and
jewels. Conan mentions the riddle of steel and this gets a reaction
from Doom. He claims to know the answer and will share it with him.
"Steel," he says, "isn’t strong. Flesh is stronger."
He turns and calls to a girl standing high on a cliff overlooking the
courtyard. She responds to his beckoning by jumping to her death. That
to Doom is power. The strength and power of flesh. What is steel compared
to the hand that wields it? After some more blathering, he finally orders
that Conan be crucified on The Tree of Woe.
Next
we see Conan hanging from a lone tree in the middle of nowhere. As he
rests against it, nails through his hands, vultures begin to circle.
One even lands on his shoulder and starts pecking at the flesh on his
chest, but our Cimmerian friend just lunges out, grabs the bird’s
neck with his mouth and begins shaking it back and forth, then letting
it drop to the ground dead. Time passes and we see a figure approach
in the distance. As it nears, Conan begins to laugh. It is Subotai!!
His archer friend frees him and takes him back to The Wizard’s
place, where Valeria awaits. Sadly, it seems that Conan is in pretty
bad shape and will most likely die. The Wizard states that the spirits
of the place will exact a heavy toll if he is to intervene, but Valeria
assures him that she will pay them.
When
night falls, Conan is all wrapped up in a black robe and tied to the
ground. The Wizard paints various runes and sigils over his exposed
flesh as the winds begin to pick up. He says that soon, "they’
will try to take him. Indeed, soon enough a storm blows in and these
small little spirits arrive and try to make off with Conan’s body.
Valeria and Subotai try and stop them while The Wizard just cowers in
his shack in fear, no doubt prepared to shit his pants if the need arises.
Finally, after much struggle, the little demons are driven off into
the night and the winds calm.
Morning
arrives and Conan awakens. As he opens his eyes Valeria promises nothing
would prevent her from fighting at his side, even if she were dead and
he still lived…she would find a way. The three thieves plan to
visit Thulsa Doom’s hideout, using some caves on the other side
of the mountain. Soon they ride off and make their way to the secret
entrance to Doom’s lair. They apply white and black paint to their
bodies and make their way in.
Inside
they follow a group of men carrying a huge pot through some dark caves
into an opulent chamber where there is a massive orgy/party underway.
People are writhing around in ecstasy with Thulsa Doom and the Princess
nearby overlooking it all. The big pot is set down and people line up
to get some of the vile green shit that is in it. Whatever it is, the
main ingredient seems to be people, as a human hand is pulled from the
bowl and munched on by one woman. WAIT! It’s green colored…and
it is made from people – it’s Soylent Green! Soylent Green
is people! Well, it’s Soylent Green soup or something similar.
Still…Soylent Green is Peop…er…sorry, wrong Republican
in this movie. Anyway, the three thieves make their way into various
positions throughout the room. While they are doing this, Thulsa Doom
is slowly transforming into a snake. What a cool party trick!
Eventually
our three heroes reveal themselves and start hacking up all the guards.
Valeria sets some curtains on fire and soon the place is going up in
flames. Conan tries to get to Doom, but the now transformed bad guy
has slithered off through a small hole in the wall.
Along
about now Rexor and Thorgrim arrive and when Conan sees them, he overturns
the massive stone pot of Soylent Green, letting it spill all over the
place. Rexor recognizes him and they approach to do battle. Thorgrim
is wielding a gigantic hammer, and at one point after swinging it around,
it hits a pillar, which crumbles to the floor. When the dust clears,
the three thieves have gone, taking The Princess with them. They fight
their way back to their horses and mount up. As they are riding away,
Thulsa Doom, now back in human form, watches from the cavern entrance.
He takes a small snake in his hand and straightens it. The critter stays
rigid and using it like an arrow, Doom fires it at the fleeing group
where it strikes Valeria.
The
three ride on, but stop a short time later. Conan pulls the snake-arrow
from her and then holds her as she dies. I guess those spirits did
exact a pretty hefty price for not taking Conan. Next we see Valeria
laid out on the stone altar back at The Wizard’s place. Conan
lights the wood stacked under her and POOF. Up she goes in flames. Conan,
Subotai and The Wizard look on as the night sky is lit by Valeria’s
funeral pyre. As day breaks, Conan sits thinking. Now he has really
got to be pissed at old Doom. First his parents and people, now his
lover. Behind him The Princess is chained to a rock. She warns Conan
that Doom has seen the fires and will be coming to kill him.
Note
- It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if
any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the
ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.
Now
Conan and Subotai are preparing for battle. The burial grounds where
The Wizard lives are lined with spears in the dirt, traps are set and
all sorts of various preparations are made. Even The Wizard gets into
the act, donning some truly ill fitting armor. Soon enough, horses and
riders can be seen in the distance riding ever closer. As his foes come
charging toward him, Conan offers up a prayer to Crom. He asks for revenge
against his enemy.
The
riders arrive and what follows next is a true bloodbath. Axes, swords,
spears and arrows are used to remove men from their horses. The blood
can literally be seen flying through the air. As the battle rages on,
Thulsa Doom watches from a hilltop not too far away. With most of the
bad guys dead Conan now faces off against Thorgrim and Rexor, dodging
in and out of all the large rocks and boulders in a game of cat and…er…cat,
while Subotai and The Wizard deal with the remaining forces of Doom.
At
one point Thorgrim sees a helmet just on the other side of a boulder
and brings that giant hammer down on what he believes to be Conan’s
head. However, it is a trap, and it sets of a tightly wound gear that
snaps into place, swinging a large sharpened stake around at Thorgrim
that impales the unlucky bastard. Conan appears and watches Thorgrim
squirm around in his death throes, but then Rexor arrives to fight.
These two now battle and soon Conan is on the ground with his back to
Rexor. As Rexor swings his sword in a killing blow, a figure steps out
of nowhere and blocks the strike with another sword before hitting Rexor
across the face. As Rexor stumbles back, Conan looks at the new figure.
It is Valeria! She’s decked out in some shiny armor and asks him,
"Do you want to live forever?" He turns and picks himself
up, but when he looks again, she is gone. It appears she kept her vow
to fight at his side no matter what. Conan now closes on Rexor and quickly
makes short work of the guy, breaking his sword, slicing open his stomach
and finally landing a killing blow across the chest – blood flying
the whole time.
With
all his men dead, Thulsa Doom goes to leave. The Princess calls for
him not to abandon her. How does he respond? By pulling out another
snake, straightening it into another arrow and firing it at her. What
a loving guy! However, Subotai is there to block the arrow with a shield.
He and The Wizard laugh as Doom rides off. Conan picks up Rexor’s
broken sword and sees that it was the one that once belonged to his
father.
Next
we see Thulsa Doom on a platform, overlooking the broad staircase that
leads to his mountain fortress. It is night and his followers are all
stretched out below, bearing torches that light up the valley floor.
He begins speaking to them, droning on with his made up religious rhetoric.
Conan, with the help of The Princess, sneaks back into Doom’s
fortress using the back door. I guess she has had a change of heart
after almost being killed by Doom. Conan makes his way to the platform
behind Doom.
Doom
turns and sees him as he slowly approaches. He tries his goofy religious
talk on him and attempts that hypnotic mojo of his, but Conan snaps
out of it and swings his sword – landing a blow on Doom’s
neck. Blood sprays everywhere. He lands another blow. More blood and
Doom falls to his knees. Then coming up behind him, Conan grabs Doom’s
head and swings a third time. More blood and Doom’s body falls
while his head remains clasped in Conan’s hand. Conan holds it
up high for all of Doom’s followers to see, then throws it out
over the stairs, where it bounces down a ways before stopping.
Then
for some reason, all of Doom’s followers line up and extinguish
their torches in a small pool of water before leaving. Next we see Conan
sitting on the stairs by himself, The Princess a distance away by the
pool. He descends a few stairs, grabs a brazier on a chain, then swings
it around his head a few times and releases it towards the top of the
stairs. It lands and set the fortress on fire. Soon the entire place
is ablaze, lighting up the night sky. As he leaves, Conan takes the
hand of the Princess and leads her away. In the distance, the morning
sun breaks through the clouds, heralding a new day and a new beginning.
Next
we see an image of Conan sitting on a throne. The Wizard’s voice
breaks in again and narrates, the text of his words scrolling up the
screen:
--So,
did Conan return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home. And
having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in
the West. Many wars and feuds did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped
upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand…
And
this story will also be told.
Fade
out. The End.
Review
Conan
the Barbarian is a film with balls. It debuted at a time when explicit
displays of blood and violence were still not the norm for action and/or
most horror flicks. That it can take that violence, and coupled with
the scarcity of dialog in the film, make the story an engaging look
at one man’s quest for revenge in a brutal prehistoric world,
is a testament to all involved.
When
viewed within context of existing Conan stories by creator Robert E.
Howard, the film is somewhat of a patchwork affair, taking various ideas,
characters, locations and names from the Hyborean age and melding them
into a storyline that simultaneously has little and everything to do
with the character. The look and feel of the people and world in the
movie are most certainly recognizable as Conan, yet there is an odd
emptiness that can be felt on occasion by many fans of the character’s
literary origins. Something perhaps lost in translation from written
word to silver screen.
Visually,
the film is stunning to look at. No small accomplishment given the desolate
and barren landscapes that make up the bulk of the scenery. Wide-open
desert has never looked so beautiful on film. Coupled with the great
production design, and the audience is treated to a cinematic world
every bit as real as our own. Twenty years before Peter Jackson got
his hands on The Lord of The Rings, the Conan team had effectively
created and presented an authentic fantasy world, albeit a much more
primitive and brutal one than Tolkien’s Middle-Earth. It is that
harsh brutality that sets Conan apart from similar efforts in both literature
and film. While the more romanticized, optimistic and dare I say, cookie
cutter approach used in modern fantasy may be more popular with the
masses, it is the stark, gritty world of Conan that comes across as
much more realistic in terms of historical comparisons. The Hyborean
age truly seems like it could have existed at one point, and with the
exception of magic and monsters, there is not much to set it apart from
real history. It is this feeling that really pervades the film and probably
the one single reason why it is so enjoyable.
Still,
there are many things that contribute positively to the film. Here,
the two leads are excellently portrayed. James Earl Jones is awesome
as the charismatic, yet dangerous Thulsa Doom. He totally sells the
audience on the idea that this guy can be totally loving one moment
and a split second later, one hundred percent homicidal. Yet, it is
murderous in that calm, reflective fashion that almost belies insanity
that really makes the character shine for the small amount of screen
time that he gets. The complete and total lack of caring for the lives
around him adds not only to the savage feeling of the setting and film,
but transforms him from a cardboard cutout villain, to a antagonist
with a quiet edge.
Surprisingly
Arnold Schwarzenegger turns in a great performance. Not that his thespian
skills at this point in his acting career are at the top of the game
(or ever were for that matter). No, it is the demands of the character
that let him shine in his first starring role. In the same fashion that
the film takes a hodgepodge of Conan lore and molds it into something
new, likewise the film Conan is his own person…and being quiet,
brooding and aloof is who he is. Schwarzenegger achieves this very well,
and though it may not have been the hardest assignment given an actor,
he still stands out because of it. This film didn’t help create
a movie superstar for nothing, after all.
As
thin as the plot may be, and as sparse as the dialog is at times, acknowledgements
must be made to the writing team. There are some wonderful lines in
the movie that will live on well after it is over, but beyond mere verbiage,
there is the lack of words that helps make this film stand out. What
I mean by that is this – it has become a horrifyingly all too
common trend in Hollywood action films, even those with a historical
or fantastical setting, to imbue the project with humor in the form
of witty dialog. In other words: one liners. Schwarzenegger himself
would later be extremely well known for the one liners he spouted in
his films. Yet compare this film to say…The Scorpion King,
which features many similar elements: a barren land, a quest for revenge,
magic, a bad guy who commands a huge following and lots of swordplay,
all set in an ancient world that never existed. A full twenty years
separate the two films, yet the latter was positively loaded with inane
dialog and horrendous one liners. It completely and totally detracts
from the feel of the film by ripping the viewer out of the past and
planting him right back into the present by using such contemporary
speech and speech patterns. In the case of Conan, the film eschews such
idiocy in favor of gritty realism, which I much prefer anyhow and I
applaud the producers for not going down the easy road of forced humor.
True, that trend really hadn’t gotten off to too much of a start
in those days, but I’m thankful nonetheless.
One
cannot talk about Conan the Barbarian without mentioning the
impact it made on early 80’s cinema. Every now and then a film
comes along that manages to present something new…or at least
something no one has seen in quite a while, so it is like new. The commercial
success of Conan the Barbarian saw a glut of cheap and cheaper
copies in the years immediately after its release. These included films
such as The Beastmaster (which was itself based on an earlier
literary work), The Sword and the Sorcerer, Red Sonja
(which also co-starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandahl Bergman), the
David Carridine vehicle Circle of Iron, the idiotic The
Barbarians, the ever decreasing in production value Deathstalker
series and the truly abysmal Yor, the Hunter from the Future
to name but a few of the titles that flooded theaters and later, video
rental stores in the mid 80’s. Despite that wave of Sword and
Sorcery films, the original Conan still reigns supreme at the top of
the heap.
Lastly,
there is one element to Conan the Barbarian that still resonates
to this day, though some people may not realize it. It this: the booming,
thunderous and exceptional score by Basil Poledouris. Not only does
it sweep the listener away with its epic Carmina Burana-like
feel and almost regal undertones, its more subtle moments lend an incredible
amount of emotional drive to the film's narrative. If there is one thing
about the movie that has endured over the intervening years, it is the
music as it has been used on countless occasions in the time since,
mostly in trailers for new films (Gladiator comes to mind).
In my opinion it truly is one of the best film scores ever, and music
lovers should check it out.
Conan
the Barbarian is a fun film. Certainly it is the best example of
the Swords and Sorcery subgenre of fantasy films. Beyond that, it exudes
a certain brutal and primitive charm. Not to be over analyzed, it exists
purely on a popcorn movie level. Even to this day, it may be too violent
for some people, especially kids. For those who like lots of talking
in their epics, this film may not be for you. However, for those who
like sweeping visuals that really add atmosphere to a story, this may
be more to your liking – even if the story in question is a bare
bones affair driven by plot more than character. Fans of fantasy films
should check it out at least once, though don’t expect the deepness
or intricacy of The Lord of the Rings.

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