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Shadow's Title: "Beefcake, Boobs, Blades and Blood"

Alternate Titles: None Found

Review Date: 2/21/05
Content Guide:

In the late 1970’s Italian movie producer Dino de Laurentiis had found success with the first Superman film, directed by Richard Donner. This spurred the producer to seek other comic book properties to translate for the silver screen. Next up was 1980’s semi-successful Flash Gordon, a campy romp that harkened back to the serial days of yesteryear and starring the likes of Sam Jones, Max von Sydow and Timothy Dalton. Upon completion of that project, de Laurentiis turned his eye toward Conan and the violently dark fantasy world he inhabited. This film would also go on to be a success, spawning a sequel and making a superstar out of Austrian body builder Schwarzenegger, whose film career took off like a rocket and ultimately leading him to the California State Governorship. This movie also inspired a host of knock-offs. The early 80’s were flooded with cheap sword and sorcery epics, but none could ever match the sheer audacity and boldness of the first Conan.

In the Northern Kingdom of Cimmeria, a small village goes through it’s day to day routines, when they are set upon by a vicious group of raiders. All the adults are killed, while the surviving children are sold into slavery. Once such child is Conan. He eventually grows to adulthood and is bought by a man who makes a gladiator out of him. Conan excels at this and quickly ascends the ranks of brutal sport. Eventually he is taught to read and write, tutored by the war masters of the East and given his freedom. At this point he sets out to exact his revenge upon those who murdered his people.

He meets up first with Subotai, and then Valeria. Both are thieves and together the trio break into the tower belonging to the Snake Cult of Seth. Conan learns that it is the leader of this cult, a sorcerer known as Thulsa Doom, that was behind the deaths of his people. Soon, a local king enlists his aid in rescuing his daughter from Doom’s mountain of power. Conan sets out alone, having his own personal reasons for visiting Thulsa Doom.

Conan – One of the few survivors of a massacred village, he was sold into slavery as a child. Eventually he would become a masterful, yet brutal warrior and attain his freedom. Setting out on a quest for vengeance against those responsible for the death of his people, he has many interesting adventures. Ultimately he has his revenge and later becomes a king by his on hand. Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator films, Predator, Total Recall), the current Governor of California.

Thulsa Doom – He is the leader of the Snake Cult of Seth. He has a thirst for power and in his younger days he killed many people – including Conan’s village, in his quest to answer the riddle of steel. The master of the hypnotic mojo, he can also transform himself into a giant snake among other serpent-related tricks. Played by James Earl Jones, who owns the coolest voice in Hollywood, having provided the vocals for the likes of Darth Vader, Mufasa and the CNN logo.

Subotai – He is a thief and archer who becomes Conan’s first travelling companion and the one who introduces Conan to cities and civilization. It must be from him that Conan learns his thieving skills. Subotai is a pretty faithful companion. Even when Conan leaves him behind to venture on his own, Subotai comes looking for him and ends up rescuing him. He even joins him in the big battle at the end, when he could easily have bugged out of the whole affair.

Valeria – She is another thief who meets Conan when she chooses to rob the Snake Cult on the same night as he and Subotai. They join forces and get away with the treasure. Soon after, they fall madly and passionately in love with one another. Later when Conan is near death, she promises to pay whatever the cost will be in order to save his life. Sadly, this involves getting shot and killed by the most unusual arrow ever used on screen.

The Wizard – Another of Conan’s companions. He doesn’t appear in the movie until nearly halfway through it, but as the chronicler of Conan’s tale, his voice is heard throughout the film, narrating events. He uses his magic to help keep Conan alive after the latter was crucified on the Tree of Woe and also takes part in the climactic battle against Thulsa Doom’s forces. He is also the only character in the film aside from Conan that turns up in the sequel.

King Osric – The ruler of Shadizar. Once he was a powerful Northman, he is now old and sodden. He enlists Conan and his companions to rescue his daughter from Thulsa Doom’s mountain of power. Played by Max von Sydow (Flash Gordon, Dreamscape, Judge Dredd), I kept expecting him to call for The Bore Worms.

Rexor – Thulsa Doom’s second in command. He conducts bizarre rituals where naked young women throw themselves at giant snakes. Is that an allegorical representation of something – naked women and giant snakes? Nah, couldn’t be. In battle he uses the sword stolen from Conan’s father, though in the end it does him no good.

Thorgrim – He is one of Thulsa Doom’s two right hand men. He uses a GIANT warhammer in battle. I don’t think he ever uttered a single word throughout the entire film, though there were plenty of grunts and screams. Despite his Thor-wannabe look, he is ultimately no god of thunder.

The Princess – The daughter of King Osric. Like so many impressionable youths, she falls under the sway of the charismatic Thulsa Doom. At first she does not wish to be rescued, but after Doom attempts to kill her, she has a change of heart and helps Conan in the end.

The film opens with text quoting from Friedrich Nietzsche – "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." A few credits roll by then we hear the voice of The Wizard, who goes on to say:

"Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas there was an age undreamed of, and unto this…Conan, destined to bear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure."

Now the kick ass score from Basil Poledouris kicks in and we are treated to scenes depicting the forging of a sword as the remaining credits unfold. We see a young Conan and his parents taking great care in crafting this fine weapon. Finally, when the credits end, we see Conan’s father talking to him and relating to him some legends about the god they worship – Crom, and the enigma of steel.

Now we see some riders bearing a serpent standard coming over a snowy hill. Scenes of these men are intercut with shots of Conan’s people going about everyday life in their village. Conan, we see, is off by himself in the woods fishing. He catches sight of an advance scout for the riders and then sees the group closing in on his village, though no one has spotted him. Soon enough the villagers see what is thundering down upon them and take up arms to defend themselves. Now we get several minutes of the raiders massacring the villagers. Conan manages to reunite with his mother as his father goes out to fight, putting up a valiant effort. However, in the end he is torn apart by dogs and the adult villagers are all slain with the exception of Conan’s mother, who stands guard over her son.

With the village in flames and the people defeated, the leader of the raiders approaches on horse and dismounts. It’s Darth Vader!!! Well, James Earl Jones, who provided the voice for the Sith Lord. Here he is Thulsa Doom, though we won’t learn that for a while yet. His two lieutenants hand him the sword wielded by Daddy Conan and then he approaches Conan and his mother. She is holding up a sword to fend off the raiders, but Doom uses his hypnotic mojo on her and she lowers the weapon. He turns to go then suddenly spins around and swings Daddy’s sword, which cleanly removes mom’s head. Conan can only watch in sadness as his mother’s headless body falls to the ground beside him. Doom fixes him with a stare and then leaves.

Now we see all the village children being rounded up, chained together and set off on a forced march. Something tells me that they are not on their way to summer camp. The Wizard’s voice is heard again, talking about how it was never known why the raiders came. The children were taken north while Doom rode south, the memory of the village lost in the ashes. We see the kids marched overland until they come to a barren landscape dominated by a strange contraption. A large turnstile with several large logs as spokes sits in the middle of nowhere and the children are each chained to a spoke and made to push it. The DVD back cover says that this was a contraption that was used to grind grain and research reveals it to be called The Wheel of Pain. Various shots depict the passing of years and the aging of the children, until we finally see a single youth pushing the entire turnstile. He looks up and we see that Conan is now an adult and ripping with muscles. After a few more shots of him pushing the gizmo, a rider approaches and soon Conan is led of by him, chained to his horse. It seems this guy has bought Conan as a slave.

Conan is taken to a fighting pit where he is thrown in with another buffed dude. The other guy seems to know what to do and starts beating the crap out of Conan. Finally, Conan fights back and defeats his opponent – quite violently I might add. Once more The Wizard’s voice is heard in a narration that explains how Conan went on to become a renowned pit fighter, basking in the bloody praise heaped upon him. During this speech we are treated to a montage of Conan fighting in the ring and messily disposing of one opponent after another, utilizing a variety of brutal looking weapons. In time he is taken to the East where he is trained by warmasters in the use of the sword. He is also taught how to read and write with various texts and philosophies made available to him. Being such a stud, he is bred to various women, no doubt in hopes of creating more excellent fighters. All of this is shown in a few short scenes and we get the impression that a few years pass.

Then one dark and stormy night (how is that for a cliché) his owner breaks his chains and sets him free. Why does he do this? I have no idea. The Wizard’s voiceover suggests that he was like a wild animal that had been caged too long, but for whatever reason, he was now free. He runs off into the night, but before too long is being pursued by a pack of wild and feral dogs (or wolves). He eludes them by climbing a large pile of boulders, but slips and falls into a hidden cavern. He manages to get a fire going and does some exploring. He finds the burial tomb of some ancient king or warrior. He helps himself to the dead guy’s sword. Well, that guy ain’t gonna be needing it anymore, right? Believing the sword to be a gift from his god Crom, he emerges from the cavern to find it is now day and uses the weapon to remove the manacles still on his ankles. We can still hear the dogs barking, but one assumes that he quickly ran them off, as the next shot shows him jogging through the wilderness.

As he’s wandering the countryside, he comes across a lone cabin. A sultry woman invites him in to warm himself by her fire (I’ve heard of euphemisms, but boy!). So he goes in, relaxes and has a drink like she’s running some primitive motel six. The woman starts mumbling about how she knew he would come – a warrior from the north who would one day be king by his own hand and who would crush the snakes of the earth. At the mention of the word snakes, Conan tells her that he seeks a standard made of snakes. She seems to know what he is after and says that there will be a price. The next thing you know, these two are screwing like horny rabbits. The woman (whose level of hospitality has really improved my opinion of her) starts calling out the name Zamora! Not what I would expect from a woman in the throes of passion, but hey…whatever floats your boat. She babbles some other stuff, but the emphasis seems to be on that Zamora name (which a little research reveals to be the name of an ancient kingdom of the Hyborean age). The screwing continues and the light in the cabin changes from red to blue. The woman then goes nuts, her eyes turning wild and her teeth suddenly looking like a hacksaw. She attacks Conan (so much for her hospitality rating) but he just rolls over and throws her into the fire. She seems to jump out momentarily, then transforms into a small ball of flames and bounces her way out of the cabin and off into the night.

So morning comes and Conan emerges from the cabin. He doesn’t seem the slightest bit fazed by events of the previous evening. A voice nearby calls for food. Conan investigates and meets Subotai, a thief and archer whom the Witch had chained up so she could feed him to the wolves. The two hit it off and begin traveling together. One night over a campfire dinner, they talk about the gods to which they pray. Conan mentions Crom and says that when he dies he will go before Crom and be asked about the riddle of steel. If he does not know the answer, Crom will cast him out of Valhalla. Ahem…Valhalla? So…Crom is the god of the prehistoric Vikings? I thought their gods, like Thor and Odin, lived in Asgard? Maybe Crom just monitors who gets into Valhalla without actually hanging around there? Maybe the Viking gods came in later and kicked Crom’s ass out of Asgard and made him the doorman for Valhalla? Maybe nobody really gives a rat’s ass?

Tastes like chicken? It is chicken you dork!

Anyway, The two travel together and eventually arrive at some city, or what was called a city in the Hyborean age. Cities are new to Conan and he takes it all in wide-eyed. Then they are off again to a new city. Everywhere he goes, Conan asks about a snake standard until a drug peddler points him toward the tall towers of the Snake Cult that seem to rise in every city, before selling the duo some Black Lotus. High on drugs, the two stumble around and this is when Conan stumbles into a camel and then belts the creature for being in his way. Animal Rights group really got peeved about this scene at the time.

So, the two decide they are going to break into the local snake tower and divest the owners of any jewels and riches they may be hoarding. As they approach the tower they run into Valeria, who at first mistakes them for guards and vice versa. Soon, it is apparent that she is there to rob the place as well. Birds of a feather flock together, so the trio decides to scale the walls of the tower as a group. At the top they find a shaft that descends the height of the tower and more – reaching down to sub-levels below ground. Quietly they descend and on one of these lower levels they see members of the Snake Cult performing some kind of ritual. Valeria opts to stay and explore while Conan and Subotai descend even further. They climb down into a stinky pit littered with bones and crawling with rats. A small passage leads to another large chamber where a huge snake is resting. There is also a huge jewel nearby and they quietly sneak up to it and snatch it. However, sweat from Conan’s brow drops onto the snake, waking it. They go to leave, but Conan sees an emblem of the snake standard above the doorway and is reminded of the standard bore by the raiders who massacred his village. He takes that as well, but is unaware that the big-ass snake is now awake and moving towards him. It attacks, but he and Subotai dispatch it rather quickly…and again, rather messily.

Meanwhile, Valeria has disguised herself as a cult member. The cult ritual seems to involve stripping some gal nearly naked and having her jump into the pit with the big snake. She does a free fall and goes POW on the hard ground. She then screams when she sees what is left of the snake. I take it she was supposed to be a sacrifice to the snake, and must have considered it an honor to be gulped down by it. Idiot. So now the cult is in a panic and Valeria sees Conan and Subotai escaping back up the rope to the top of the tower. She manages to evade the cult, and by tying a rope around the neck of some poor fool, and using him as a counter weight, she rides a rope to the top. At the top, the three thieves opt for the quickest way down the outside of the tower – they jump. Luckily, there is a big pool of water in which to land.

The trio now celebrates their good fortune. They take their newfound riches and live it up in grand style. As they do this, Valeria and Conan grow closer...and it ain’t too long before they are screwing, too. More scenes follow that convey the idea that is not some cheap affair. The two have genuinely grown rather fond of one another. Time goes by and exactly how much boozing, partying and shopping the three do is unclear, but finally there comes a point where they are just exhausted from it all.

Long about now, some of the local king’s guards show up and haul them off to see their boss. King Osric the Usurper at first seems pissed because Rexor of the Snake Cult has come to him and threatened him because of what happened in the snake tower. However, the king holds no great love for the Snake Cult and salutes the three for what they have done. He goes to talk about Thulsa Doom and the Snake Cult. The snake towers seem to be popping up all over the known lands. He shows them a dagger called The Fangs of the Serpent, which is shaped like two snakes coiled around one another. It was used by a son to kill his father. The king is grieved because his own daughter has fallen under the spell of Thulsa Doom and the cult. He wants the trio of thieves to rescue her and return her to him, offering as many jewels as they can carry in payment. Once the three are alone, Valeria and Subotai don’t wish to undertake the king’s quest. Valeria values what she has found with Conan and does not wish to throw it away. As they embrace, Conan looks at the emblem of the snake cult. When morning arrives, Valeria wakes to find herself alone.

So Conan rides East towards Thulsa Doom’s mountain of power. Through desert and snow he makes his way, meeting people along the way who point him further East when he inquires about the Snake Cult. He even runs into The Children of Doom, followers of Thulsa Doom on a pilgrimage to the mountain of power. Eventually Conan comes across a Stonehenge-like location near the sea, complete with large boulders and rocks formed into patterns and an altar atop a small hill. Skeletons abound and the entire place seems to be some burial ground for ancient kings and warriors. Here he meets The Wizard, whose voice has been interrupting the movie from the beginning. The Wizard gives him the low down on the local area and Conan leaves his belongings with him so he can disguise himself as a pilgrim on a camel.

Prehistoric hippies

Conan rides to a large encampment of Doom’s followers. Some are singing, some are praying and some are burning incense. Think of it as a prehistoric Woodstock – without the rock music. In the distance Thulsa Doom’s mountaintop fortress can be seen. Conan settles in with the hippies…er…followers and when morning arrives everyone is off on foot to Doom’s fortress. Leading the way are some of his priests, who pass out white robes to all the pilgrims. One such priest approaches Conan. Conan feigns shyness and gets the guy alone, where he savagely beats him over the head and takes his priest robe. There is an ultra creepy sexual undertone to the whole exchange, all on the part of the priest. Read into that what you will.

So now disguised as a priest, Conan makes his way with all the others to Doom’s fortress. The fortress itself is mostly underground, with only a large wide stairway and an entrance adorning the mountainside. Still, even that is pretty damn big. All the followers cram the staircase and take seats on the steps. As Conan approaches, a guard stops him but he hands over the snake emblem he took from the snake tower. The guard lets him by, but takes the emblem over and shows it to Rexor and Thorgrim. Atop the stairs, King Osric’s daughter emerges from the entrance, holding snakes in her hands, then Thulsa Doom himself appears and speaks. Rexor and Thorgrim close in on Conan and he is unmasked as an infidel. He is hauled off, kicking and screaming while Doom watches from above.

He is taken to a courtyard where Rexor and Thorgrim beat the hell out of him, leaving him bloody and bruised. Thulsa Doom arrives and questions him. He inquires into the whereabouts of the jewel stolen from the snake tower, but he is more upset about the death of his pet snake. Conan accuses him of killing his parents and his people. Doom admits that it was probably when he was younger, when he searched for steel and prized it above gold and jewels. Conan mentions the riddle of steel and this gets a reaction from Doom. He claims to know the answer and will share it with him. "Steel," he says, "isn’t strong. Flesh is stronger." He turns and calls to a girl standing high on a cliff overlooking the courtyard. She responds to his beckoning by jumping to her death. That to Doom is power. The strength and power of flesh. What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? After some more blathering, he finally orders that Conan be crucified on The Tree of Woe.

Next we see Conan hanging from a lone tree in the middle of nowhere. As he rests against it, nails through his hands, vultures begin to circle. One even lands on his shoulder and starts pecking at the flesh on his chest, but our Cimmerian friend just lunges out, grabs the bird’s neck with his mouth and begins shaking it back and forth, then letting it drop to the ground dead. Time passes and we see a figure approach in the distance. As it nears, Conan begins to laugh. It is Subotai!! His archer friend frees him and takes him back to The Wizard’s place, where Valeria awaits. Sadly, it seems that Conan is in pretty bad shape and will most likely die. The Wizard states that the spirits of the place will exact a heavy toll if he is to intervene, but Valeria assures him that she will pay them. When night falls, Conan is all wrapped up in a black robe and tied to the ground. The Wizard paints various runes and sigils over his exposed flesh as the winds begin to pick up. He says that soon, "they’ will try to take him. Indeed, soon enough a storm blows in and these small little spirits arrive and try to make off with Conan’s body. Valeria and Subotai try and stop them while The Wizard just cowers in his shack in fear, no doubt prepared to shit his pants if the need arises. Finally, after much struggle, the little demons are driven off into the night and the winds calm.

Morning arrives and Conan awakens. As he opens his eyes Valeria promises nothing would prevent her from fighting at his side, even if she were dead and he still lived…she would find a way. Soon afterwards Conan is swinging his sword around, getting the feel for it again. At night the three thieves plan to visit Thulsa Doom’s hideout, using some caves on the other side of the mountain. Valeria and Subotai try to get Conan to agree to only rescuing the princess and saving the death of Thulsa Doom for another day, but he says nothing. Soon they ride off and make their way to the secret entrance to Doom’s lair. They apply white and black paint to their bodies and make their way in.

My head…what did I drink last night? Oh…my…WHAT did you do to my face while I was out?

Inside they follow a group of men carrying a huge pot through some dark caves into an opulent chamber where there is a massive orgy/party underway. People are writhing around in ecstasy with Thulsa Doom and the Princess nearby overlooking it all. The big pot is set down and people line up to get some of the vile green shit that is in it. Whatever it is, the main ingredient seems to be people, as a human hand is pulled from the bowl and munched on by one woman. WAIT! It’s green colored….and it is made from people – it’s Soylent Green! Soylent Green is people! Well, it is Soylent Green soup or something similar. Still…Soylent Green is Peop…er…sorry, wrong Republican in this movie. Anyway, the three thieves make their way into various positions throughout the room. While they are doing this, Thulsa Doom is slowly transforming into a snake. What a cool party trick!

Eventually Subotai comes up from behind the guy stirring the pot of Soylent Green and taps him on the shoulder. When the dolt turns around, he gets his throat sliced open by Subotai’s sword. This is the signal to move and the other two thieves spring into action, slicing and dicing guards and partygoers as they make their way toward The Princess. Valeria sets some curtains on fire and soon the place is going up in flames. Conan tries to get to Doom, but the now transformed bad guy has slithered off through a small hole in the wall. Along about now Rexor and Thorgrim arrive and when Conan sees them, he overturns the massive stone pot of Soylent Green, letting it spill all over the place. Rexor recognizes him and they approach to do battle. Thorgrim is wielding a gigantic hammer, and at one point after swinging it around, it hits a pillar, which crumbles to the floor. When the dust clears, the three thieves have gone, taking The Princess with them. They fight their way back to their horses and mount up. As they are riding away, Thulsa Doom, now back in human form, watches from the cavern entrance. He takes a small snake in his hand and straightens it. The critter stays rigid and using it like an arrow, Doom fires it at the fleeing group where it strikes Valeria.

The three ride on, but stop a short time later. Valeria moans something about telling The Wizard that she would pay the gods. Conan pulls the snake-arrow from her and then holds her as she dies. I guess those spirits did exact a pretty hefty price for not taking Conan. Next we see Valeria laid out on the stone altar back at The Wizard’s place. Conan lights the wood stacked under her and POOF. Up she goes in flames. Conan, Subotai and The Wizard look on as the night sky is lit by Valeria’s funeral pyre. As day breaks, Conan sits thinking. Now he has really got to be pissed at old Doom. First his parents and people, now his lover. Behind him The Princess is chained to a rock. She warns Conan that Doom has seen the fires and will be coming to kill him.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters it’s final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of the summary.

Now Conan and Subotai are preparing for battle. The burial grounds where The Wizard lives are lined with spears in the dirt, traps are set and all sorts of various preparations are made. Even The Wizard gets into the act, donning some truly ill fitting armor. Soon enough, horses and riders can be seen in the distance riding ever closer. As his foes come charging toward him, Conan offers up a prayer to Crom. He asks for revenge against his enemy.

The riders arrive and what follows next is a true bloodbath. Axes, swords, spears and arrows are used to remove men from their horses. The blood can literally be seen flying through the air. As the battle rages on, Thulsa Doom watches from a hilltop not too far away. With most of the bad guys dead Conan now faces off against Thorgrim and Rexor, dodging in and out of all the large rocks and boulders in a game of cat and…er…cat, while Subotai and The Wizard deal with the remaining forces of Doom.

Quick! Help me get this armor off! I have to go really bad!

At one point Thorgrim sees a helmet just on the other side of a boulder and brings that giant hammer down on what he believes to be Conan’s head. However, it is a trap, and it sets of a tightly wound gear that snaps into place, swinging a large sharpened stake around at Thorgrim that impales the unlucky bastard. Conan appears and watches Thorgrim squirm around in his death throes, but then Rexor arrives to fight. These two now battle and soon Conan is on the ground with his back to Rexor. As Rexor swings his sword in a killing blow, a figure steps out of nowhere and blocks the strike with another sword before hitting Rexor across the face. As Rexor stumbles back, Conan looks at the new figure. It is Valeria! She’s decked out in some shiny armor and asks him, "Do you want to live forever?" He turns and picks himself up, but when he looks again, she is gone. It appears she kept her vow to fight at his side no matter what. Conan now closes on Rexor and quickly makes short work of the guy, breaking his sword, slicing open his stomach and finally landing a killing blow across the chest – blood flying the whole time.

With all his men dead, Thulsa Doom goes to leave. The Princess calls for him not to abandon her. How does he respond? By pulling out another snake, straightening it into another arrow and firing it at her. What a loving guy! However, Subotai is there to block the arrow with a shield. He and The Wizard laugh as Doom rides off. Conan picks up Rexor’s broken sword and sees that it was the one that once belonged to his father. He holds it aloft with his own sword in the same pose that he once used when victorious in the gladiator pits.

Next we see Thulsa Doom on a platform, overlooking the broad staircase that leads to his mountain fortress. It is night and his followers are all stretched out below, bearing torches that light up the valley floor. He begins speaking to them, droning on with his made up religious rhetoric. Conan, with the help of The Princess, sneaks back into Doom’s fortress using the back door. I guess she has had a change of heart after almost being killed by Doom. Conan makes his way to the platform behind Doom.

Doom turns and sees him as he slowly approaches. He tries his goofy religious talk on him and attempts that hypnotic mojo of his, but Conan snaps out of it and swings his sword – landing a blow on Doom’s neck. Blood sprays everywhere. He lands another blow. More blood and Doom falls to his knees. Then coming up behind him, Conan grabs Doom’s head and swings a third time. More blood and Doom’s body falls while his head remains clasped in Conan’s hand. Conan holds it up high for all of Doom’s followers to see, then throws it out over the stairs, where it bounces down a ways before stopping.

Then for some reason, all of Doom’s followers line up and extinguish their torches in a small pool of water before leaving. Next we see Conan sitting on the stairs by himself, The Princess a distance away by the pool. He descends a few stairs, grabs a brazier on a chain, then swings it around his head a few times and releases it towards the top of the stairs. It lands and set the fortress on fire. Soon the entire place is ablaze, lighting up the night sky. As he leaves, Conan takes the hand of The Princess and leads her away. In the distance, the morning sun breaks through the clouds, heralding a new day and a new beginning.

Next we see an image of Conan sitting on a throne. The Wizard’s voice breaks in again and narrates, the text of his words scrolling up the screen:

--So, did Conan return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home. And having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in the West. Many wars and feuds did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand…

And this story will also be told.

Fade out. The End.

Conan the Barbarian is a film with balls. It debuted at a time when explicit displays of blood and violence were still not the norm for action and/or most horror flicks. That it can take that violence, and coupled with the scarcity of dialog in the film, make the story an engaging look at one man’s quest for revenge in a brutal prehistoric world, is a testament to all involved.

When viewed within context of existing Conan stories by creator Robert E. Howard, the film is somewhat of a patchwork affair, taking various ideas, characters, locations and names from the Hyborean age and melding them into a storyline that simultaneously has little and everything to do with the character. The look and feel of the people and world in the movie are most certainly recognizable as Conan, yet there is an odd emptiness that can be felt on occasion by many fans of the character’s literary origins. Something perhaps lost in translation from written word to silver screen.

Visually, the film is stunning to look at. No small accomplishment given the desolate and barren landscapes that make up the bulk of the scenery. Wide-open desert has never looked so beautiful on film. Coupled with the great production design, and the audience is treated to a cinematic world every bit as real as our own. Twenty years before Peter Jackson got his hands on The Lord of The Rings, the Conan team had effectively created and presented an authentic fantasy world, albeit a much more primitive and brutal one than Tolkien’s Middle-Earth. It is that harsh brutality that sets Conan apart from similar efforts in both literature and film. While the more romanticized, optimistic and dare I say, cookie cutter approach used in modern fantasy may be more popular with the masses, it is the stark, gritty world of Conan that comes across as much more realistic in terms of historical comparisons. The Hyborean age truly seems like it could have existed at one point, and with the exception of magic and monsters, there is not much to set it apart from real history. It is this feeling that really pervades the film and probably the one single reason why it is so enjoyable.

Still, there are many things that contribute positively to the film. Usually in movies such as these, the actors get no special notice, having turned in adequate and in some cases, truly subpar performances. Anyone who has seen Jeremy Irons chew up the scenery with his overacting rampage in Dungeons and Dragons will know what I mean. Here, though the two leads are excellently portrayed. James Earl Jones is awesome as the charismatic, yet dangerous Thulsa Doom. He totally sells the audience on the idea that this guy can be totally loving one moment and a split second later, one hundred percent homicidal. Yet, it is murderous in that calm, reflective fashion that almost belies insanity that really makes the character shine for the small amount of screen time that he gets. The complete and total lack of caring for the lives around him adds not only to the savage feeling of the setting and film, but transforms him from a cardboard cutout villain, to a antagonist with a quiet edge.

Surprisingly Arnold Schwarzenegger turns in a great performance. Not that his thespian skills at this point in his acting career (or ever were for that matter) are at the top of the game. No, it is the demands of the character that let him shine in his first starring role. I must confess that I have read very, very little of the original Conan tales by Robert E. Howard, so I have absolutely no idea if the character was as solemn and quiet as his movie version or if he was a talking dynamo who yaked his enemies to death. I’m sure he spoke more than he does in the movie, yet in the same fashion that the film takes a hodgepodge of Conan lore and molds it into something new, likewise the film Conan is his own person…and being quiet, brooding and aloof is who he is. Schwarzenegger achieves this very well, and though it may not have been the hardest assignment given an actor, he still stands out because of it. This film didn’t help create a movie superstar for nothing, after all.

As thin as the plot may be, and as sparse as the dialog is at times, acknowledgements must be made to the writing team. There are some wonderful lines in the movie that will live on well after it is over, but beyond mere verbiage, there is the lack of words that helps make this film stand out. What I mean by that is this – it has become a horrifyingly all too common trend in Hollywood action films, even those with a historical or fantastical setting, to imbue the project with humor in the form of witty dialog. In other words: one liners. Schwarzenegger himself would later be extremely well known for the one liners he spouted in his films. Yet compare this film to say…The Scorpion King, another film starring a muscle-bound actor who first appeared in the public’s attention due to his sporting (or pseudo sporting, depends on how you view wrestling) career, and which features many similar elements: a barren land, a quest for revenge, magic, a bad guy who commands a huge following and lots of swordplay, all set in an ancient world that never existed. A full twenty years seperate the two films, yet the latter was positively loaded with inane dialog and horrendous one liners. It completely and totally detracts from the feel of the film by ripping the viewer out of the past and planting him right back into the present by using such contemporary speech and speech patterns. In the case of Conan, the film eschews such idiocy in favor of gritty realism, which I much prefer anyhow and I applaud the producers for not going down the easy road of forced humor. True, that trend really hadn’t gotten off to too much of a start in those days, but I’m thankful none the less.

One cannot talk about Conan the Barbarian without mentioning the impact it made on early 80’s cinema. Every now and then a film comes along that manages to present something new…or at least something no one has seen in quite a while, so it is like new. Raiders of the Lost Ark springs to mind. Sure there were action movies in the decades before it was released, but nothing had truly brought back the sense of breathless adventure and excitement of the old cliffhanger serials of the 30’s and 40’s. With the success of Raiders, everyone in Hollywood sought to jump on that gravy train by churning out similar films and TV shows centering on such wild exploits. That trend continues to this day. Likewise, the commercial success of Conan the Barbarian saw a glut of cheap and cheaper copies in the years immediately after it’s release. These included films such as The Beastmaster (which was itself based on an earlier literary work), The Sword and the Sorcerer, Red Sonja (which also co-starred Sandahl Bergman), the David Carridine vehicle Circle of Iron, the idiotic The Barbarians, the ever decreasing in production value Deathstalker series and the truly abysmal Yor, the Hunter from the Future to name but a few of the titles that flooded theaters and later, video rental stores in the mid 80’s. Despite that wave of Sword and Sorcery films, the original Conan still reigns supreme at the top of the heap.

Lastly, there is one element to Conan the Barbarian that still resonates to this day, though some people may not realize it. It this: the booming, thunderous and exceptional score by Basil Poledouris. Not only does it sweep the listener away with it’s epic Carmina Burana-like feel and almost regal undertones, it’s more subtle moments lend an incredible amount of emotional drive to the film's narrative. If there is one thing about the movie that has endured over the intervening years, it is the music as it has been used on countless occasions in the time since, mostly in trailers for new films (Gladiator comes to mind). In my opinion it truly is one of the best film scores ever, and music lovers should check it out.

Nudity – Scattered glimpses of bare chested women throughout the film. Also a shot of Conan’s ass when he gets it on with a witch. Lots of skin here, as well. Conan pretty much goes through the bulk of the film without a shirt. Valeria’s outfit is pretty threadbare as well. In fact, a lot of people in this film run around with very little covering them. Thank god Mako or Max von Sydow were not among them.

Mongol: "Conan! What is best in life?"
Conan: "Crush your enemies. See them driven before you…and to hear the lamentation of the women."

Shadow’s comment: It is so good to have priorities in life.

Peddler: "Black Lotus. Stygian. The best."
Subotai: "This better not be hagga."
Peddler: "I would sell hagga to a slayer such as you?"

Shadow’s comment: Just don’t try the brown stuff.

Osric: "There comes a time when the…when the jewels cease to sparkle. When gold looses it’s luster. When the throne room becomes a prison. And all that is left, is a father’s love for his child."

Shadow’s comment: Those unappreciative bastards!

Conan: "Is this…uh…your robe? A Priest’s robe?"
Priest: "Yes, its all I have."
Conan: "Good."
Conan beats the crap out of priest
Conan: "That’s all you’ll ever need."

Shadow’s comment: Methinks he may need reconstructive surgery after that blow.

Thulsa Doom: "Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they will learn why they fear the night."

Shadow’s comment: My all time favorite movie quote EVER!

Valeria: "Do you want to live forever?"

Shadow’s comment: um…yeah!

The brutal reality of this new weight loss retreat was beginning to sink in.

 

Thorgrim is skulking around the ruins, looking for Conan when he sees a helmet on the other side of a boulder. He sneaks up, raises his warhammer and SPLAT! He learns quite pointedly what a mistake he has made.

 

• Walking in circles for years will make you buffed.
• Kill enough people and others will bring you women with whom to have sex.
• Ancient weapons only need to be banged a few times to make them usable again.
• Witches are highly combustible.
• Giant snakes make good pets.
• Wizards always live alone…as well they should. They don’t look like they bathe too often.
• Birds taste better when they’ve been cooked.
• People ran everywhere in the ancient past.
• The spirits of the dead can be easily thwarted with a simple knife.
• Snakes can be utilized as arrows.

If everyone in Shadizar new that Conan, Subotai and Valeria were the ones that had broken into the snake cult’s tower, then why didn’t Rexor or some other cult member try and kill them? If King Osric could find their drunk asses, I’m sure Rexor could.

If Osric had enough wealth to make each of the three thieves rich enough to be kings themselves, then why did he look so ratty? He looked like a homeless beggar and his throne room resembled an outdoor market! If he had that kind of wealth, he should spruce the place up a bit.

What was in that brazier at the end? I’m thinking napalm. Either that or the steps leading to Thulsa Doom’s Mountain of Power were made by Dura-flame. They went up in flames faster than Michael Jackson’s hair!

Conan's response to the Mongol General is an abbreviation of a real quote attributed to Gengis Khan: "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandahl Bergman did their own stunts, as suitable body doubles couldn't be found.

To give the characters' costumes a more authentic and "lived-in" look, Dino De Laurentiis had the cast members wear their costumes both during rehearsals and the actual scene shoots.

Schwarzenegger had to tone down his workout, as his arm/chest muscles were so big that he couldn't wield a sword properly.

The fake blood used in the film came in the form of a concentrate, which had to be mixed with water prior to use. Due to the cold weather, it was mixed with vodka (as an anti-freeze) instead. In the scenes in which the actors were supposed to spit the blood, they would swallow it instead, then go back to the special effects man for more.

There is a long-standing (yet still unproven) urban legend about the so-called "Conan toy line". The story is that the Mattel Toy Company started to make some Conan action figures, but after viewing the film, the executives realized that they couldn't afford to be associated with a film with such graphic sex and violence. They gave their doll blonde hair, called him "He-man", and thus created "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" (1983).

During the scene when James Earl Jones points to one of his priestesses and she jumps to her death, a women's free fall record was set at 182 feet by stuntwoman Corey Jensen.

Oliver Stone's script placed the Conan story in a post-apocalyptic future rather than the distant past. This was abandoned and the original timeline was restored.

The runes on Conan's father's sword are translated as; "Suffer no guilt, ye who wield this in the name of Crom."

This review is part of the Hunky Heartthrobs Rogue Reviewers Roundtable:

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