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Shadow's Title: "Crapalodon"

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Megalodon

We watch as the camera spins around a real tooth from Carcharodon Megalodon, the credits unfolding and music playing. I recall the very first time I watched this movie (who am I kidding, it was the only other time I ever watched this film before now), I thought the opening music sounded pretty good. I considered it a positive sign, for surely a film that had decent music was going to be quite well done in all departments, right? Boy was I wrong.

The film starts off with a fake news show called Quest. The host, a brunette with all the on screen charisma of a wet fart, touches upon a story about shark attacks on the Eastern seaboard leading to the drop in beachfront home values. Really? Are you shitting me? Shark attacks are bringing down home values? Not drugs, gangs, crime, pollution or even urban sprawl…but sharks? What, have they gotten organized and are now coordinating their attacks? I’d think people would need to get swallowed every hour or two for weeks straight before it began affecting home values. Are the sharks also peddling narcotics to the youth? Are they spray painting their turf? You know, there’s a really simple way to keep from being eaten by a shark: keep your ass out of the ocean!

Aside from the disastrous impact sharks are having on the American economy, another news story touched upon is The Oil Crisis. The world needs it and more must be found. It seems Peter Brazier, the CEO of Nexecon Petroleum, has developed the world’s largest and most efficient offshore drilling rig, named Colossus. Naturally his plans to use it are not met well by environmentalists. One whack job goes as far to say that if something goes wrong, it could mean an environmental holocaust. Gee, talk about hand wringing. Anyway, the news lady mentions that the Colossus rig is due to begin operations off the coast of Greenland in a few days and one of their reporters will be on hand to cover events.

We now cut to a Nexecon helicopter flying over the icy seas, approaching Colossus. It has ferried reporter Christen Giddings and her cameraman Jake to the facility. They are met by Peter Brazier and the first thing Christen asks is where the bathroom is! Gee, do women always have to pee? Around here, we can barely leave the house before my wife needs to pee. One or two stops later and she has to pee AGAIN.

While Christen if off emptying her tiny bladder, Brazier takes Jake inside. On her way to the briefing room, Christen overhears two employees arguing about something that may be wrong with the operation, but doesn’t get to hear all the details before Brazier calls everyone together.

Rig Manager David Collen is assigned to give Christen the nickel tour and see to her needs. He fills her in on a few basic facts: the 2.4 billion dollar price tag and how the rig is tethered to the ocean floor five thousand feet below by 20 large cables.

At dinner that evening, Brazier introducers her to more of his crew, including medic Mitchell Parks, dive chief Ross Elliot (who’s hair is one color and beard is two more – something that I myself suffer from if I fail to shave, thanks to some mixed ancestry…though to be fair, Ross’s reason for multicolored hair stems from having dived in polluted reefs), chief engineer and resident smartass R.P. McGinnis and lead sub pilot Amanda “Maz” Zablenko. Due to the automated nature of the rig, the total crew compliment is only twenty-two. After a stimulating lecture by Ross where he espouses his opinions on mankind’s history of polluting the planet, everyone heads off to bed.

The following day, Christen and Jake are to dive to the ocean floor, but not by sub. Nope they are going by glass elevator, accompanied by Brazier, Collen and Parks. Meanwhile, Maz is following in a minisub. Christen tries to record a segment for her news report but spazzes out from a sudden attack of claustrophobia. She recovers and they eventually reach the ocean floor.

Christen grills Brazier on his reasons for inviting her to his drilling rig and he gives an impassioned speech about how his children view him. Zzzzzzzzzz. Then the drilling gets underway and…nothing happens.

Later, back up top on Colossus, Christen wanders around some, seemingly lost in thought. Parks is teased by another worker named Harper about his “heroic” efforts in helping Christen recover from her spaz attack. Maz is meditating in her cabin, a couple dozen lit candles spread around the place. On the bed behind her, Ross is writing on paper. Is he taking notes or something? All in all, a very dull sequence.

In the middle of the night, Christen is awakened by the shaking of the rig. Brazier and McGinnis seem to disagree on the cause, so the boss decides they all need to go down in the elevator and check things out. Christen, Jake and Parks go with them. This time around it is Ross who follows in a minisub. At the bottom they determine that all the fuss is being caused by a blocked suction line. Making that determination took all of five seconds for them. Now it’s time to head back top. Wow, these people like to go up and down in that elevator an awful lot.

Eventually, Ross finds the section of line that is blocked and removes it before reconnecting the remainder of the line. The blocked section is brought back up, just in case there is something valuable inside, like a fossilized bone, bag of doubloons or even more highly sought, a decent script! Collen and Parks go to cut open the blocked section, but it begins to shake, as if something inside is moving!

When they open it and look inside, what should they see? Just a Cod. Oh, and some long eel like thing that clamps down on Collen’s arm and won’t let go. Blood flies everywhere. Collen screams and Parks uses a saw the cut the creature in half, since it still refused to relinquish it’s grip on Collen’s arm. At this point of the movie, I'm refusing to relinquish my grip on a bottle of Scotch. It's the only thing getting me through this. Ninety-six stitches later, Collen is pretty much out of commission.

Amongst several glasses of alcohol (make mine a double), Christen asks what the creature was. Ross claims it is a fish that lived seventy million years ago and theorizes that it may have survived at such depths since the last ice age. Apparently enjoying the looks on everyone faces, Ross goes further and explains that the fish that bit Collen, which itself was about as long as his arm, was only an infant. Adults would be eight feet long with even bigger razor sharp teeth. Lovely.

Time passes and suddenly a “Code Six” is enacted. Don’t ask, I don’t know. I can only surmise that it means an emergency of some sort. One thing it does mean is that everyone once again piles into the elevator for a trip to the ocean floor. Everyone except Ross and Maz, who are zooming around in a pair of minisubs.

Apparently the drill has encountered pockets of air deep within the ground and is not working properly. Before you can yell “Deepstar Six!” the ocean floor crumbles and breaks away, revealing a huge sinkhole. The drill is pulled into the chasm, as is Maz and her sub.

Once the turbulence has subsided, dozens and dozens of strange fish come hurtling out of the hole to disappear into the North Atlantic. Ross is ready to venture into the hole in search of Maz, but Brazier has him power down and wait while the others can head back up top and see what the problem is. Problem? I know what the problem is! The problem is that no matter where they are at, they need to be somewhere else in order to figure out what is going on! Up top? Gotta ride the elevator down to see what the problem is. Down below? Gotta head back up to figure things out! Ugh!

Soon we learn that poor Collen is not doing very well. The bite he got from that prehistoric fish is infected pretty badly with some strange bacteria and none of the antibiotics given to him by Parks is working. Collen will have to be transferred to the mainland, but an approaching storm makes using the helicopter a bad idea. Instead, they opt to transport him with a drop boat, which seems to be an automated craft that will deliver its contents to a predetermined location.

Meanwhile, on the ocean floor, Ross receives a signal from Maz. He follows her down into the cavern and the two marvel at the strange and exotic fish swimming about. They try to determine the size of the cavern by pinging it, but get no response. In other words, it’s freakin’ huge. The two head back topside, but a POV shot makes it clear that something has found the exit from the cavern and emerged into the larger ocean above.

Next comes the requisite dinner scene where the resident diver (Ross) shows off his scars. In this case, one resulting from an encounter with a jellyfish. A really big, pissed off jellyfish if the gigantic scars on his torso are any indication. The jovial mood is soon brought to an abrupt halt when the entire rig shakes.

Everyone hauls ass to the conference room where Brazier explains that they are experiencing some instability that may be due to a collision of some sort, perhaps a whale caught on one of the tethers. You know what this means, right? Yes! Another trip down the freakin’ elevator in order to check things out. So Parks, McGinnis, Ross, Christen and Jake make the trip down. Halfway to the bottom, Jake thinks he hears the windows cracking and begins to freak out, but it’s just McGinnis eating hard candy. Crisis averted.

With Ross inside the elevator this time around, this leaves minisub duties to Maz and the doomed Harper. Can you say Red Shirt? The two subs hover over the big crater and Maz remarks on how there are no fish to be seen. An eerie silence seems to have fallen over everything.

Above on Colossus, Brazier picks up something on sonar, which he believes to be a whale. The problem is that it’s moving at 25 to 30 knots, while a whale’s top speed is only 6 knots. So it ain’t a whale. Ross thinks it may be the legendary giant squid and instructs the two subs to drop to the ocean floor and wait for it to pass by.

Alas, it’s not a whale or a giant squid that comes swimming into view out of the dark, but the biggest damn shark anyone has ever seen. Yes, Carcharodon Megalodon has returned to claim his spot as the world’s largest predator. Everyone stares wide-eyed at the big fish. Naturally, Harper freaks out and fires up his sub, attempting to make a run for the surface. The Meg sees him and within seconds has snared the tiny sub in its massive jaws and reduced it to twisted and shredded metal. Finally the Meg swims off again. Parks spots the chewed up remains of Harper floating past the elevator window, but doesn’t share the news with anyone else.

They begin their ascent, this time going as slow as possible so the sound and movement won’t attract the Meg. Maz stays on the bottom, Ross planning on retrieving the other sub and guiding her back up top. The ride up gives Christen time to ask about the shark and Ross to blabber on about Megalodons and the belief that they were extinct.

They have not gone too far when the elevator begins to shake. It just so happens that sonar is down both there and above in the rig. Plus, the cameras aren’t working so Brazier doesn’t have a clue as to what is wrong. As the elevator continues to ascend, Christen spots the problem: The Meg is attracted to the vibration from Colossus’ generator and is swimming around underneath, occasionally impacting the structure and the tethers. Brazier is forced to shut down the generator. This leaves everything on battery backup. The elevator continues upward, but the Meg sees it and repeatedly rams it.

In all the commotion and shaking, McGinnis manages to break his leg. Maz reports that she’s running low on Oxygen down in her sub and to make things really fun, the elevator won’t ascend any further. They are almost to the rig, but not quite. Parks comes up with a plan to blow the locking pins and disengage the elevator from its runners, allowing it to float to the ice above. Then Brazier can pick them all up in a helicopter. With no other options, the plan is enacted.

One short and bumpy ride later, the elevator reaches the surface. Alas, it’s too close to Colossus for Brazier to get close with the helicopter. Maz, who has ascended on her own in the minisub, appears and pushes the elevator over to the floating ice nearby. Everyone clamors out onto the ice so Brazier can retrieve them. Out of oxygen, Maz steers her sub for Colossus. She doesn’t get very far before the Meg appears and grabs the sub. Soon enough, she’s gone forever.

Ross has to be restrained when he sees the Meg attack Maz’ sub. The others hold him back otherwise he’d have ran to the edge of the ice and…what was he planning doing, exactly? Jumping into the icy water and swimming ten feet before succumbing to the frigid temperatures? Throwing chunks of ice at the Meg, hoping to put out an eye? Standing on the edge and using harsh language and the threat of legal action to dissuade the shark from further violence? I don’t get the impression that he really thought things through.

The helicopter attempts to land, but the lights attract the Meg, which bursts through the ice and flexes its massive jaws. Everyone runs for the helicopter (which has yet to land), leaving poor McGinnis stretched out on the ice with his broken leg. By the time Ross remembers him, it’s too late. The Meg bursts up through the ice and swallows the engineer whole. Considering McGinnis’ girth, that’s no easy feat.

Everyone finally manages to scramble aboard the helicopter, which flies back to Colossus. However, the storm makes it hard to land and the aircraft crashes on the landing pad, skidding across its length and stopping precariously on the edge. Somehow the crash kills Brazier’s copilot (who shows no injury at all) and cameraman Jake, who was impaled in the neck by some glass.

The survivors congregate in the control room where Parks gives them the bad news: with everything on battery backup, they only have enough power for a few hours. Then things will get very dark and very cold. The storm is too strong, preventing any rescue from the mainland. So basically, they’re all boned.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

Luckily for these dorks, Ross has a plan in mind, which involves him climbing into his minisub and dropping back down into the sea. He tells the others to fire up the generator again once he has gone. It seems the sub has been outfitted with explosives and tether lines. Basically he plans on harpooning the Meg and then blowing it up. Before climbing into his sub Ross has a moment alone outside, remembering Maz, no doubt. Funny, a moment ago they mentioned how strong the storm was, but now that Ross is outside, there only seems to be a slight breeze wafting through the air.

So Ross makes the dive and Colossus fires up its generator. Needless to say, the Meg is Johnny on the spot, swimming straight for the rig. So now comes the extended cat and mouse sequence where Ross squares off against the Meg. Well, it felt extended. It was more like 2 or 3 minutes, but it sure felt longer. Eventually, he harpoons the shark. Now all he has to do is reel in his line so that the sub is in proximity to the beast, rig his explosives to detonate and then make his escape in the sub’s survival pod. Naturally, things don’t go as planned.

The Meg decides to swim back toward Colossus. Fed up with the big fish, Ross mumbles something about how they upset the balance of nature and he intends on setting things straight. You got it…KABOOM. He doesn’t bother trying to escape; he just blows himself up along with the Meg. Apparently the explosives used were comprised of antimatter because in the wide shot, the explosion pretty much annihilates all traces of the sub and shark. There is not so much as a twisted bit of metal or shred of skin left behind. However a few seconds later, we see the front half of the Meg spiraling down into sea, trailing blood and guts behind it.

Abruptly we see a sailboat at sea on a clear day. Text tells us that we are off the coast of France and it is now three months later. On board is Christen, who is apparently sailing around all by herself. She writes a letter to Brazier and we see that she is still missing her cameraman Jake, who it seems, was her best friend.

Even at this late juncture, let’s pause for a moment. Up until now, the film has only portrayed Christen and Jake’s relationship as a professional one. Sure, people who work closely together can become close and it seems these two became very good friends. Best friends, if the interlocking necklaces they wore were any indication. The problem is, we weren’t really shown those bracelets until JUST NOW. Now maybe I can understand her grief over his demise. Maybe highlighting their friendship earlier might have helped.

Their friendship means one more thing: he desperately wanted to be more. As long as they are both single, there’s no way a straight man can be best friends with such a hot woman without entertaining the idea of what it would be like to be more. Women may consider the same things in private, but usually won’t act on it. More often than not, it’s the man in such situations that wants to take things to the next level and knows the woman will never reciprocate his feelings. Speaking from personal experience, I’ve been really good friends with one particular woman, and if it wasn’t for the fact that she was married when I met her, I would have been hard pressed to contain my feelings. Before we get too far into TMI territory, let’s get back to the film.

As the boat cruises along, we see the giant form of another Meg swimming below, under the craft. It doesn’t attack, but just casually swims along beneath the boat, very much like a real shark did to me one day at the beach long ago (and a tale for another day). Fade out.

The End.

Yes, I mean it. That’s the end. I don’t know of the new Meg kills Christen or just swims around under her boat for a bit before heading off in search of a lawyer with which to sue Steve Alten for royalties. Is it stalking her, out for revenge like that shark in the idiotic fourth Jaws movie? Who knows. Who really cares? What is really scary at this point is that the end credits begin to roll and it takes twelve minutes for them to completely unravel. TWELVE minutes! Talk about padding out the film! The narrative only runs for 78.5 minutes, so in order to reach that magic hour and half running time, the credits take up the rest. Sheesh.

Review

Given the natural and primal fear evoked by sharks, coupled with the number of shark themed movies after the success of Jaws, it was only a matter of time before filmmakers turned to the grand daddy of them all, the Carcharodon Megalodon, the colossal ancestor of the modern Carcharodon Carcharias - better known as the Great White shark – for inspiration. Film buffs know that a movie based on Steve Alten’s novel Meg has been rumored for a decade now, but the project can never seem to get off the ground. So while that film sits in development hell at the big studios, the smaller guys have come along and churned out numerous Megalodon themed movies. This film is but one of them. The vast majority of them – indeed, nearly all of them- have been less than stellar viewing experiences. This film is no different.

It’s not to say that the film is bad, but just underdeveloped. For a film about a giant shark, the title beast does not appear until nearly an hour into the movie. Considering that the narrative ends at the 78-minute mark, and you’ll see that there is very little time for giant shark action. Most of the film up to that point is just scene after scene of the characters riding the glass elevator up and down in a seemingly endless loop. In the end, the shark comes off as more of a hindrance that a deadly threat.

Naturally, the short running time leaves little opportunity to develop the characters much beyond stereotype, but there are a few good moments here and there. Peter Brazier is not presented as the cold, greedy CEO of a major corporation, out to rake in the profits at the expense of the environment. Likewise, Christen Giddings is not the glory-seeking reporter out to make a name for herself at the expense of other people’s reputations, and while Ross Elliot may be get a little too philosophical about the environment, he at least isn’t annoying in his beliefs. Everyone else pretty much fits an empty slot in the group without much distinction. McGinnis is a smartass, Parks is the stoic and reserved medical officer, Harper is the loud mouth comedian, etc. Fortunately, none are so annoying that you want to see them eaten. A good thing, too since very few of them do get eaten.

For a low budget flick, the FX work is pretty damn good. Everything is brought to life through CGI and in most cases it looks decent. Sometimes they come off as cut scenes in a video game, but at others things are convincing enough to allow the viewer to suspend disbelief. The Meg itself looks pretty good in the underwater shots. Any time it thrusts its head above the surface, it loses some credibility, but given its lack of screen time, I think that can be overlooked.

In the end, this movie is not really a crapfest, though by no means is it a riveting film, either. It has all the ingredients to be a good movie and for what little it aims for, it accomplishes quite well. I just feel that there was so much more than could have been done with the idea and that the insulated nature of the story was a more a result of budget constraints than any creative process.

12 Mins – Oh, crap. A green speech from Ross.
56 Mins – A Megalodon? BP wishes that’s all they had to worry about.
76 Mins – The North Atlantic just became shark soup.
78 Mins – Begin end credits.
88 Mins – Aren’t these credits over, yet?!
90 Mins – Credits end, finally!

Brazier and Christen discuss scheduling in light of recent events.

Brazier: “You still planning on leaving tonight?”
Christen: “An eight foot long prehistoric fish is worth hanging around for.”

Shadow’s Comment: Yikes, her dating life must be terrible then.

• The first thing women do upon arriving some place new, is locate the bathroom.
• Descending 5k feet below the ocean surface in an elevator does not require special pressurization of any kind.
• The best way to provide oxygen to a person suffering a panic attack, is to crowd around them in a tight circle.
• Savage storms strong enough to prevent rescue at sea will not produce much in the way of wind or rain.
• Engaging in tag with an eleven ton Carcharodon Megalodon is not the smartest game to play.
• Deep sea mining routinely makes use of anti-matter for demolition purposes.
• Modern sailboats will not pitch at all in open seas.

Famous last words from Ross.

Ross: "We upset the balance of nature. I intend to make it right."

Shadow’s Comment: At least someone is taking responsibility for this film.

Shadow's rating: Four Tombstones

The Good

• The CGI shark actually looks pretty damn good
• In fact, overall the CGI is good.
• Hot chicks
• Cool music

The Bad

• Not enough Meg action
• Not enough people chomped by the Meg
• Poor character development
• Confusing ending

The Ugly

• Twelve minutes of closing credits!
• Nearly an hour before the Meg shows up
• Narrative is only 78 minutes long
• Too much back and forth between ocean floor and surface rig

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