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Shadow's Title: "Hong Kong King Kong"

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The Mighty Peking Man

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Things get off to an exciting start in the most thrilling of places…the library. What? You don’t find libraries exciting? I sure do! All those books to explore. Books on astronomy, history, science and most important of all, nude photography. I love the library! Anyway, four guys are going over some old newspapers, in particular a story about people spotting a giant monster in the Himalayas back in the 60’s. One guy - Lu Tien - claims that this monster was in reality, the prehistoric Peking Man.

In a flash we have transported to some remote village brought to life by the FX wizardry known as miniatures. Lu Tien continues to describe what happens and we watch the peaceful, happy villagers going about their lives until one day an earthquake tore the ground open. The miniature village is shaken really hard and the live actors on full size village sets run around and scream, the occasional hut falling over. In the long run, the quake pretty much levels the place while simultaneously freeing Peking Man from the side of the mountain where he had been frozen in some ice.

The big guy is not very happy when he wakes up and proceeds to scream, beat his fists on his chest and jump around a lot. In other words, he acts like most guys do when they are awoken prematurely from a nap. The villagers – those who have survived the earthquake – now run like hell. Some throw spears at the monster while others launch rocks at him with catapults! Where did they get catapults? Better yet, why do they need them? Sheesh, it’s a good thing the earthquake didn’t destroy those! Peking Man doesn’t like having rocks tossed his way, so he throws one back…only, the rock he tosses is a freakin’ boulder the size of Godzilla’s turds, and it squishes one poor sucker who couldn’t get out of the way in time.

Peking Man continues to thrash the place, knocking over temples, stepping on huts and throwing huge boulders at people, squishing them. The villagers run for cover in some sort of large temple that seems carved right out of the mountainside. They scamper deep into its depths while Peking Man throws a fit and then stomps off.

Kapow, we’re back in the library, where the four men have decided the proof of Peking Man’s existence is conclusive. From just an old newspaper story! Are they really that gullible? Good thing that paper wasn’t the Weekly World News or else they might be convinced of the existence of the Bat Boy, Bigfoot and a living Elvis. The four men make plans to capture Peking Man alive or dead and exploit him for profit. One guy named Ah Lung says that he knows the right man for the job. He lives right there in Hong Kong and is looking to get away because he just “lost his girl.” I am assuming in this case, “lost” means that his relationship with her came to an unwanted (on his part, at least) end and not that he misplaced her. Of course, the girl in question could be a blow-up doll and he really could have lost her.

We now see the man in question, Johnnie Feng, as he passes out at a bar from excessive liquor consumption. Lu Tien shows up and shakes him awake, asking him to lead their expedition into the Indian jungles. Johnnie agrees to go. It doesn’t matter where; he says that he’ll go.

The credits now unfold, accompanied by some music that had me ready to slit my wrists if it had gone on for a second longer. Seriously, it should be outlawed by the Geneva convention. Images of India are show during the credits, so we can surmise the expedition has at least made it that far.

Eventually, we see Johnnie and the other members of the expedition - Lu Tien, Ah Lung, and Ah Pi - being introduced to some Indian reporters, who ask about the Peking Man and their quest to find him. The odd thing is, this little meet-the-press moment seems to be taking place in the middle of a field, rather than inside somewhere. I noticed that of the four guys we saw at the beginning in the library, only three are accompanying Johnnie on this little trip. The fourth did look a little old, so maybe he wasn’t up for the hardships. That or he was smart enough to stay in Hong Kong.

The expedition then travels into the wilderness on ox drawn carts. We get shots of them rolling down the road, shots of the wildlife, shots of the men looking at the wildlife, shots of them pulling their carts across a river and on and on. Eventually they arrive at what appears to be a deserted village. They all walk around and call out to anyone who may be nearby, but there is no answer.

A deafening screech breaks the silence, startling them all. Though they do not realize it, this is the cry of the Peking Man. This sound is accompanied by about a dozen chickens being launched into the air and the frightened faces of the guides and porters. Was that screeching the signal for them to throw chickens in the air? Or did the chickens jump from fear as well? Whatever the case may be, the expedition members look and see a new threat thundering their way: an elephant stampede.

What happens next is pure comedy gold. The herd of pachyderms storm the village while the men run in just about every direction possible, screaming and firing their guns. The elephants knock over the huts, squish porters by stepping on them and generally make a mess. What’s funny is that all the shots of the herd seem to have been lifted from an entirely different movie and only one or two trained elephants are used for the close-ups where they interact with our cast. We see Johnnie emptying his pistol into one elephant, which obediently falls dead. This is accomplished with some rear screen footage of a real elephant obviously following an off screen trainer’s command to lie down.

The herd moves on. The expedition members look at the ruined village, their smashed and useless wagons (some of the oxen have apparently fled for greener pastures) and the flattened bodies of about eight or nine of their porters. Without bothering to clean up or bury anyone they decide to move on, hurrying to get the surviving wagons rolling as there are only two hours off daylight left. WTF? They come in, antagonize the elephants and then just leave after making a mess of things? Good thing no one is around or else these guys might be on the bad end of some native justice.

Night comes and we see them sitting around a fire, eating ribs and chicken. Well, everyone except Johnnie. He’s off by himself enjoying a smoke in solitude. The others notice this and ask him what’s wrong. He talks about the woman he loved, named Lin Chang. He says that he thought they were going to get married, but her ambition got in the way of things when his brother Charlie, a TV director, came into the picture.

Start the wayback machine, it’s time for a flashback to happier times – which for me was before this movie came into my life. Sappy music plays and we see Johnnie and Lin Chang running along the beach, going for boat rides, dancing slowly in a darkened club…all the usual romantic things movies show couples doing. One day he came home early to find her in bed getting the pickle tickle from his very own brother! After that, he wanted nothing more to do with her. How he treated his brother after such a betrayal is left undisclosed. Personally, I think a kick to the balls would be in order, but then again, I have no brother and can only speculate on what I would do under the circumstances.

Back in the present, his comrades assure him that once they capture Peking Man, they will all be so famous, they will be able to get any woman they want. With that they all turn in, no doubt to dream about big bank accounts and horny women.

The next day they continue on foot. I’m not sure why. Maybe the oxen pulling their carts had decided they had had enough and refused to budge. For whatever reason, they are walking through the jungle, a line of porters behind them. It almost reminds me of the endless walking scenes from Monster From Green Hell, only in color!

As they make their way through the jungle, the music suddenly flares to life and the camera zooms in on something in the bushes beyond the men. It’s a tiger! In fact, it’s a tiger that is laid back and resting, but then we hear a roar and when we get a close up, the animal is snarling and clearly enraged. Evidently not in the film to promote breakfast cereal, the tiger roars some more.

Some of the men panic and throw themselves into a pool of quicksand. I’m serious! They did it on purpose. Well…I assume that we are meant to believe that in the sudden panic arising from the appearance of a tiger, the men inadvertently ran into the quicksand in their haste to get away. However, when watching the shot, we clearly see three men jump into the quicksand, one of which is Ah Pi.

Johnnie rushes over to help, but all the men are quickly pulled under and only Ah Pi’s hat is saved. I never realized quicksand could suck you down that fast! The tiger now launches itself through the air as if it had a jet pack strapped to its back and lands on one of the porters, who struggles with the animal. Again, we are supposed to believe the poor man is fending off the tiger, but in reality, the man (who is probably the animal’s trainer) has his arms wrapped around the beast and just rolls around on the ground with it, looking more like they are engaged in wrestle time than a desperate fight for survival.

Johnnie throws himself into the mix, trying to pull the tiger away from the man, but before he can, the animal manages to bite off the porter’s leg with all the precision of a lightsaber. I must say, that is one clean, surgical bite. There is no bloody stump of a leg left behind, but a rather smooth one.

The others shoot off their guns, which apparently frightens the animal, causing it to run off into the jungle…without the severed leg, no less.

As the porter thrashes around on the ground bleeding, a mad dash is on to find the medicine chest. Everyone runs in a different direction except for Lu Tien. He just walks up to the porter, levels his pistol at the poor guy and fires, killing him. Johnnie confronts him and asks him why he killed the porter. Lu Tien says that there was no pint in wasting the medicine and all he did was put the guy out of his misery. This answer doesn’t satisfy Johnnie, who now punches Lu Tien several times.

The group presses on and we see them ascending up into the mountains. We see them climbing up a cliff face which overlooks some water. Looking at the water, it’s obvious that there are waves breaking on the rocks, so this must be the ocean. Tell me…if they are now along the coast somewhere, why didn’t they take a boat to this point rather than expend all that time and lives traveling cross-country? If this is the kind of leadership Johnnie shows, then he sucks.

At one point while they are climbing the tall rock face, a grappling hook and rope comes loose, sending Ah Lung plunging into the water far below along with several porters. Well, it was more like a bunch of stiff dummies are thrown over the side of the cliff to fall to their doom. When the others look, there is no sign of them, so I don’t know if the fall killed them or if the water pulled them out to sea. Suffice it to say, they are out of the film.

You know, this expedition is turning out to have quite the high mortality rate. Of the three guys who recruited Johnnie to lead them, only Lu Tien remains. Seeing that all of his cohorts are now gone to the great beyond, Lu Tien loses his cool and now starts blabbering on about how the Peking Man doesn’t exist. Johnnie gives a little pep talk and prepares to move on.

Before they can get going, there is a rustling sound and in the distance, a figure can be seen hopping from branch to branch within a tree. Then the figure drops to the ground and runs away. Johnnie just shrugs, turns and tells everyone to get moving. It’s funny, but the shots of the distant figure feature two completely different outdoor locations, and yet, neither matches in any way the terrain on which Johnnie and company are now standing.

Later they find two colossal footprints, proof enough that Peking Man exists. That or Shaquille O’Neal is stomping around the jungles of India. They decide to follow the tracks. Oddly enough, the proximity the two tracks have to each other would seemingly indicate that Peking Man is an enormous gimp. Also, the direction the tracks lead – through some dense jungle – is suspiciously devoid of fallen trees or any other sign of having been disturbed by a gigantic ape. Thus we must conclude that Peking Man has the ninja-like ability to vanish into his surroundings and leave no trace of his passage and/or whereabouts. Except for the two tracks Johnnie just found.

At camp that night, Lu Tien awakes and secretly leaves, the porters opting to accompany him. He has decided that he has had enough and wishes to go no farther. Johnnie awakes in the morning to find that he is now alone. He calls out to Lu Tien, but gets no response. I must point out that this is the first time in the film that anyone on the expedition other than Johnnie has been named. In fact, his two buddies that died are never named at all. How did I know what their names were? I had to look at the IMdB page for this film and then do several Google image searches, matching actors to the faces in this film. Was it that hard to include their names in the dialog? I guess it was. Anyway, seeing that he is now alone, Johnnie decides to keep going.

He trods along through the jungle and it is soon apparent to the audience that he won’t have to worry any longer about finding the Peking Man, as the behemoth has just found him. A giant hand appears out of nowhere to grab him. How he fails to notice the beast’s approach in beyond me. I suppose that just proves the theory that Peking Man possesses the stealth skills of a ninja.

Johnnie is grabbed (but not fatally squeezed) and is lifted, then dropped back to the ground. The monster grabs for him but he decides now would be a very good time to run. He hauls ass through the jungle, Peking Man following, throwing the occasional boulder or tree at him. Johnnie eventually stumbles and falls from exhaustion, knocking himself out.

Abruptly a retarded call echoes through the trees and there is suddenly a scantily clad blonde chick swinging through the trees like a third rate Sheena. She calls out to the Peking Man and calling it Utam, tells it to stop. Strange how she stops at one point and calls, then runs several yards to call out again, but both locations look exactly the same, with the exact same tree branches in the background.

Once Peking Man has stopped his attempt to smite Johnnie, Blondie checks on him, finding that he is still out cold. She motions to Peking Man, who lowers his hand. She promptly hauls Johnnie up and deposits him in the creature’s hand. Then when he lowers his other hand, she climbs aboard that one. I must take a moment to point out how little she is wearing. A minimal skirt/loincloth is all that cover her lower parts while a crude animal skin holds up her boobies. This thing only has a single strap, so her left boob is constantly on the verge of popping out of the thing.

Peking Man transports them to a cave entrance high on hill, which sits at about chest level for the big ape. Johnnie comes to and looks around. The abundance of flowers adorning the inside of the cave should make in clear than a woman lives here, but just in case there is any doubt, Johnnie finds a make-up compact, which cements the idea of female habitation.

Blondie appears with a bowl of water, which she offers to him. He drinks greedily and then tries to communicate. He makes no progress until she recognizes the words “papa” and “mama.” Then she has him follow her outside and through the jungle, some funky music playing in the background that is awfully similar to Love’s Theme from Barry White’s Love Unlimited Orchestra.

Blondie takes Johnnie to a studio set where the wreckage of a crashed airplane is laid out. Pointing to the skeletons in the cockpit, she says, “papa, mama,” before curling up and crying. Johnnie roots around in the wreckage and finds a picture album containing a photo of a couple with a young blonde girl. Blondie cries out “Rain! Rain!” and we get a sudden flashback showing us how the plane crashed during a heavy storm. She is tossed from the burning cockpit by her father, who then turns to help her mother, but an explosion engulfs the plane and the two go up like a pair of overcooked hotlinks. Later, Peking Man comes leisurely along and finds the young girl. She must still be in severe shock from the crash, cuz she looks up at the giant beast and offers no reaction at all. No scream, no widening of the eyes, just a raised arm. He picks some fruit for her and she grows up in the jungle.

Johnnie looks through an old journal and finds that this woman’s name is Samantha. She responds by nodding and saying yes. Then she says something about “eat, eat.” It seems all the years in the jungle hasn’t erased all of her vocabulary. She leads him through the jungle, but not before demonstrating that the wildlife, notably a tiger and a leopard, do not bother her. In fact, she snuggles right up to them and hugs them like they were pets.

She climbs a tree to get some fruit, affording us a view of her butt as she ascends. She also utilizes a maneuver to ascend that is best described as “tree humping.” The observant viewer will note that all she really is doing is pulling herself along a horizontal tree, the camera tilted at an angle that makes it appear as if she is climbing. The direction gravity pulls at her hair however, makes it clear which way is really down. She tosses some fruit down to Johnnie and then climbs back down, which is accomplished with the same “tree humping” maneuver.

Johnnie can’t seem to stomach the fruit she collected, so while she chows down, he walks around in circles. Unbeknownst to them both, a venomous snake has slithered up and is watching Samantha eat. She might be the master of tigers, leopards, elephants and gigantic apes, but she holds no sway over snakes, which apparently hate her guts. Some jungle girl she’s turned out to be! All those years in the wilderness and she still doesn’t notice a snake sitting less than three feet away.

The snake bites her on the inner thigh. She screams, throws the snake away and then keels over. Johnnie sucks the poison from the wound while a leopard attacks, wrestles with and kills the snake. Look close and you’ll see the cord tied around the animal’s leg, tethering it to a metal ring in the ground.

An elephant comes sauntering by and Johnnie throws the unconscious Blondie up on its back and then climbs up himself, prodding the animal into motion. What…are elephants the jungle equivalent of taxis? He takes her back to the cave, though it’s unclear how he got up the side of that steep hill. As she writhes around on her animal skin bed, Peking Man shows up outside and dumps a handful of leaves on the ground, motioning for Johnnie to take them. He does, and begins chopping and grinding them up in a coconut shell cup. For a moment I thought he might be making some funky tea or preparing to roll a doobie, but he applies the chopped leaves to Blondie’s wound.

Meanwhile, Lu Tien has made it back to civilization and is living it up at some sort of hotel or resort, splashing around in a large swimming pool with several scantily clad girls. Damn, but he sure did get there fast! On the way in to the jungle, they traveled part of the way by oxcart and then camped at least one night before Lu Tien bailed on Johnnie on the subsequent night. This is later the same day Johnnie woke to find himself alone, yet somehow Lu Tien has not only made it all the way back to civilization on foot, but has had time to book accommodations at this hotel and then meet several girls with which to party.

Some reporters now show up and quiz him on his recent expedition. He claims that they explored “every inch” of the jungle and that Peking Man does not exist. When they ask about Johnnie’s chances of emerging from the jungle alive, Lu Tien says that while Johnnie is a good kid, his chances are nil because “he doesn’t know the jungle.” Then why in hell did you hire him to lead your expedition, you ass? Watch the girl sitting by Lu Tien in this scene. At one point she looks right into the camera.

Back in the jungle, Blondie is getting better and can walk some, though it’s still tough for her. She collapses after one attempt, landing in Johnnie’s arms. They hold each other, stare deeply into one another’s eyes and the romantic music kicks in. I can almost hear Barry White singing about makin’ sweet love. Alas it turns out to be some chick singing this song. Johnnie and Blondie kiss and while he slurps away at her lips, she gets this slightly confused look, like she is unsure about the whole process. Eventually she gives in and starts snogging him back. They fall over onto the animal skins.

Now comes a montage of them cavorting around the jungle (sometimes in slow motion, making me wonder at what type of space-time anomalies are present in this jungle), playing with animals and splashing in pools, all accompanied by the romantic song that may truly be one of the worst ever recorded. How many days have passed while this unfolds in never made clear, but I’m beginning to feel like I’ve been sitting here for a week or more. I have to assume that the leopard used in these shots is doped up something fierce, as I half expected it to tear both of them to bloody shreds after the way they pull at it and twirl it around.

At one point Peking Man is outside the cave, shaking like he has to pee really bad. He looks inside and catches the pair of them boinking, a pile of fruit obscuring the naughty bits from the camera. Peking Man seems a little upset and starts uprooting some trees, but Blondie hears him and comes outside to soothe him. It’s obvious that the giant biped is smitten with her, but what does he think he’s going to do about it? Even if their differing species were not an issue, he’s ten times too big for her.

Johnnie proposes to Blondie – who shall be referred to as Samantha henceforth – that they take Utam AKA Peking Man to the outside world by hopping a boat for Hong Kong. He wants the world to see Utam and it will allow the two of them to be together. Not knowing what she is getting into, she agrees. So after bidding farewell to her jungle friends, they climb into one of Utam’s hands. The big ape then stomps his way to civilization like the world’s biggest, hairiest taxi.

They arrive in some Indian city where the locals take one look at Peking Man and waste no time in screaming and running in the opposite direction. Samantha demonstrates her control over him by having him lie down. Utam, that is…though I’m sure at this point she’s got Johnnie wrapped around her finger, too.

Lu Tien rolls up in a car about now. How he knew they were in town is a mystery, seeing how they just arrived. When Johnnie sees Lu Tien, do you think he confronts him for leaving him alone in the jungle? Hell no. He says, “I’ve been looking for you.” Huh? How much could he have been looking because once again, they just arrived in town! Lu Tien is pleased to see that his giant meal ticket has actually come to him. Plans are made to book a freighter to transport Utam to Hong Kong. I hope this is a coastal city, otherwise, they are gonna have lots more walking before they reach said freighter.

The next thing you know, we’re at sea and Utam is chained to the deck of a freighter, though the restraints allow him to remain in a sitting position. Samantha pleads for them to remove the chains, but Lu Tien refuses, saying it will help keep him in place and prevent his shifting weight from capsizing the ship. This last bit is actually a pretty sensible argument. Looking at how Peking Man is secured, I have to wonder what they plan on doing when the big guy has to pee or take a poop. Additionally, what is he eating? Did they fill the cargo hold with fruit for him to munch? The big guy has to eat something.

Samantha runs to the cabin she shares with Johnnie. He comforts her and says that when they reach Hong Kong, they will remove the chains from Utam, but for now they must remain where they’re at. He’s not really winning any boyfriend points with this attitude.

Johnnie then presents her with some clothes he has obtained for her to wear, so that she won’t have to wear her animal skins. She begins to strip right then and there, surprising Lu Tien, who comes by to tell Johnnie that all the tickets for Utam’s exhibition have been sold out. Lu Tien is counting his chickens before they’ve hatched, as he now talks about all the money they will make by taking Peking Man all over the world. Johnnie doesn’t seem enthralled by the idea, so Lu Tien reminds him of the deal they made. They head off to get a drink while Samantha emerges from the bathroom with her new clothes on. It’s obvious that she hates them and she keeps tugging and pulling at the outfit, which is pretty form-fitting if ya ask me. Eventually she takes it off and throws it out the window.

Elsewhere, Lu Tien, Johnnie and the crew are drinking and making toasts to Peking Man. A weather report comes in for the ship’s Captain, who learns that a typhoon is heading their way. He wants to “steer a new course for Singapore” and wait a few days for the storm to pass before continuing on to Hong Kong. I’m slightly confused at this point. The freighter is traveling from India to Hong Kong. Thus, the vessel has to pass around the Malay Peninsula in order to reach their ultimate destination, and since Singapore is located at the southern end of that peninsula, there is no way they can avoid passing awfully close to it. So why is the captain acting like a trip to Singapore involves changing their course? It would be one thing if they had already passed Singapore and needed to turn around to avoid the typhoon, but the Captain doesn’t say anything like that. I’m left wondering how familiar he is with the area.

Lu Tien doesn’t like that idea of diverting to Singapore as they have a date scheduled to showcase Peking Man at the Hong Kong stadium and have already sold the tickets. They need to be in Hong Kong or lose some big money. He tells the Captain that he will accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong, but they are to head straight for Hong Kong. He reminds the Captain of their own contract and the Captain’s liability if losses are incurred, so the Captain agrees to sail for Hong Kong.

The bad weather hits and the ship is tossed around on the ocean like a toy. Wait, that is a toy being tossed around by the water. For some reason, large rocks just happen to jut right out of the ocean in these parts and the ship runs right into one. Samantha and Johnnie run out on deck and loosen Utam’s chains. With an arm now free, he is able to push against the rock and free the ship. That was almost exciting. Notice that I said almost.

We’ve finally arrived in Hong Kong where crowds line up along the shore to see Peking Man sailing into port. It occurs to me now to wonder why in the hell this big ape is called the Peking Man. Sinanthropus pekinensis AKA Homo erectus pekinensis, is believed to have been an example of early man, dating from 500,000 years ago. In other words, the real Peking Men were man-sized, not ten times the size of man. It should be apparent to any one with functioning eyes that this big ape is not related directly to mankind. At least, not anyone outside of the California State government. Anyway, Johnnie takes Samantha to the TV station where his brother Charlie works. Johnnie seems pretty happy to see his brother, the fact that his sibling slept with and stole away his last girlfriend seemingly forgotten. He and Samantha sit in while a horrendous disco number is recorded for some sort of variety show.

It was at this point in the movie that all the bad music finally surpassed my tolerance levels. I hit the pause button and shot from seat. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut the f*ck up!” I screamed, startling the dogs and sending them into a panicked run down the hall. I quickly made a search of my office for some mind-numbing alcohol to imbibe, but had to make do with a Monster energy drink. Slamming this beverage down and then abruptly running in place for five minutes from the subsequent surge of adrenaline, I began alternately crying and swearing in anger at the thought of starting the movie again. Filling the air with a barrage of karate chops to release the building aggression, I then sat back down and pressed play.

While sitting there suffering the torments of the damned, Johnnie receives a note from a stagehand. He looks it over and heads off, telling Samantha to wait. He goes to see his old girl, Lin Chang. She talks about how hurt she was when he went away. Hello? Is this woman for real? She gets caught in bed screwing another guy – his own brother no less – and she talks about how she is hurt? Wow, what a self-centered little whore. She tries to apologize for screwing Charlie and says that it is Johnnie that she wants.

The musical number ends (finally, finally, finally) and Samantha wanders off, eventually finding her way to Lin’s room. Naturally, she walks in right at the moment when Lin is throwing herself at Johnnie and planting a big kiss on him. Of course, she doesn’t know that this is just Lin’s desperate attempt at getting Johnnie back. No, she flips out and runs away, eluding Johnnie and racing away down the street outside.

At the stadium, the crowds have turned out in big numbers to see Peking Man. It would seem that Lu Tien is the fastest man alive. First he made it out of the jungle in record time and now, with them only being in Hong Kong less than a day (more like a couple of hours), he already has Peking Man at the sold-out stadium, performing for the crowds.

The great beast is shackled to several Tonka toys that are pulling at the monster. He pulls back, much to the delight of the crowd. For some reason, the crowd then starts pelting Peking Man with fruit. WTF? Where did all this produce come from? Did they bring it with them or is there a kiosk by the main gates selling the stuff? Morons these people must be, for that is the only reason I can see for throwing fruit at something ten times your size that could easily squish you flat with the slightest muscle twitch. Seriously, have these folks ever seen King Kong or Mighty Joe Young?

Samantha is wandering the streets, where no one looks twice at her animal skin outfit. I guess it’s quite normal and an everyday occurrence for blonde Caucasian chicks to prance around the streets of Hong Kong clothed only in a fur bikini that would have made Raquel Welch blush. Samantha sees the spectacle in the stadium as it is broadcast on TV and cries at the abuse shown to Utam. She convinces a British couple that is about to get in their car to take her to the stadium. Like everyone else, these two don’t even blink at her attire. Then again, maybe they were scared of her and thought it best to do what "the crazy lady" wanted.

Peking Man has been put back in his cage, where a bunch of workers poke and beat his feet with long bamboo poles. Samantha arrives at the stadium and pushes her way through the departing crowds – none of whom give the blonde woman in a fur bikini a second look – and runs to Utam’s cage. She begs his tormentors to stop. They push her around some but run like hell when Utam gets agitated at the way they treat her.

Lu Tien comes by now and leads her away, saying everything will be all right. He takes her to his room (conveniently located in a building a hundred yards or so away) where he tries to force alcohol down her throat and then begins ripping her minimal clothing off. She fights him off and in the tussle, the curtains get pulled back, which allows Peking Man to see Lu Tien throw Samantha on the bed in preparation for rape.

“That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” Popeye’s familiar refrain can easily be imagined here, as Peking Man now breaks loose from his chains and starts dismantling his cage. He stomps over to the building containing Lu Tien and Samantha. Seeing that Peking Man is loose, the repulsive little man alerts security and then drags Samantha away with him, shoving her into a car and driving off.

Peking Man now goes on his long overdue rampage, knocking over buildings and stomping on cars. He spots Lu Tien’s car and chases after it, demolishing half the freeway in the process. Of course, the live shots do not match very well with the miniature sets, making it appear as if Peking Man is in an entirely different movie. The rampage continues and the monster goes down the street, looking in all the windows at eye level, no doubt trying to locate Lu Tien and Samantha, but in reality just scaring the crap out of dozens of surprised folks going about their lives.

Meanwhile, Lu Tien has shown what an utter idiot he is by taking Samantha to a hotel. Is he really that intent on getting laid, that he refuses to vacate the city and instead head for a building in the path of the monster’s rampage? Yes, he is. Being the moron he is, he picks a room that is already occupied with a couple in the throes of passion. Being the uber moron he is, he has picked a room that is pretty much on eye level with Peking Man, who has no trouble spotting them. Much to the shock of everyone (especially that poor couple still screwing in the bed) Peking Man plunges his arm into the room all the way to his shoulder. Alas, only his hand comes crashing into the room to grab Lu Tien.

Everyone in the hotel watches in horror as Lu Tien is waved around for all to see. There must be a couple dozen people watching from nearby windows. Not only are those some severely overbooked rooms, but also they’re filled with people more interested in watching the big monkey go bananas than running for their lives. After waving Lu Tien around some, Peking Man throws him to the ground, a move which would certainly prove instantly fatal given the height he is thrown from and the strength behind the throw. Alas, Lu Tien hits the ground with all the force of just having jumped off the roof of a passing car. He’s still alive, but Peking Man remedies that by stomping his foot down on the bastard, squishing him.

Plans are made by the authorities to draw Peking Man away from the tall buildings so to that end a wave of tanks comes rolling into town. Peking Man is still busy remodeling the downtown area by pushing over buildings, stepping on cars and stomping his foot down on the occasional fleeing civilian.

Johnnie goes to the authorities and speaks with one Caucasian guy who has a gigantic zit-blister-sore on his chin. He tells him that if they find Samantha, she will be able to control Peking Man and get him to relax. The search is then on for a blonde chick in animal skins. It shouldn’t be too hard to find her, but given how no one has looked twice at her and it might be more difficult than they imagine.

Word gets out about Samantha and everyone in town must have heard it, for when she runs down the street, she is recognized by the crowds, who give chase. And I do mean everyone pursues her. Men, women and children. It’s like a scene from a zombie flick where the lone hero is pursued by a horde of living dead.

The tanks have arrived and begin firing at Peking Man and no doubt the authorities are wishing they had made room for a maser or two (just like the big ones the Japanese haul out to combat oversized pests) in their budget. A bunch of helicopters then lift off and attack Peking Man, causing him to jump around and destroy a construction site.

BAM. Just like that, night has fallen. A second ago, helicopters were flying high in a blue sky and now everything is dark. Samantha has managed to elude capture so far. In fact, she runs down the street and no one pays her any attention. Strange how these people just walk around, going about their everyday mundane business with no concern whatsoever for the giant ape tearing the city apart! The fight against Peking Man rages on and several more buildings are flattened, including a parking garage, which spills dozens of hot wheels into the streets as it collapses.

Peking Man now decides to climb to the top of one of the taller buildings. Actually, in 1977 (the year this was made) the Jardine House – the building he climbs – was the tallest skyscraper in Hong Kong at a whopping fifty-two stories. Now it’s nowhere near the tallest, but at the time it was the big daddy. The helicopters are called in again to strafe him. He takes several hits and begins to bleed. Below, the guy calling all the shots (both figuratively and literally) hatches a plan to fill the water reservoirs on the roof with gasoline and explosives. Using a timing device, they will blow up Peking Man…as well as half the building.

One question: how are they going to fill the water reservoir with gasoline? Isn’t it already filled with water? Won’t they have to drain the water first? After that, how will they get gas up there? It’s not like a tanker truck has a hose that will reach. What if Peking Man climbs down before they get everything in place? This plan is a pretty crappy one if you ask me. Evidently those truck hoses only have to reach into the building. The gasoline will be carried up to the top by an internal pipe system from there. So rather than have to reach fifty-two stories, the hose only has to reach a few hundred feet. Still not gonna happen (I drive a fuel tanker for a living, I should know).

Samantha sees Peking Man atop the building and in her rush to get there, she runs into Johnnie. Well, it’s more like he almost runs into her, as the jeep he is in nearly runs her over. She seems to have forgotten her earlier unhappiness with him, as she just grabs him tight and runs. They talk to the military commander, who promises to cease fire and not kill Peking Man so that Samantha can talk him down. She and Johnnie race to the top of the building – by taking the stairs - where she gets the big ape to calm down and then pick her up in his hand.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

Upon seeing the beast calmed down, the military leader, figuring that this is their best chance to get him, gives the orders to shoot to kill! So much for his promise. What a douche! And how will Peking Man be easier to kill now? What is so different? Just because he’s not screaming and jumping around? What, did he somehow deflect their fire with all that arm waving?

The helicopters return and open fire. Samantha gets hit in the shoulder and in anger, Peking Man grabs a chopper and throws it to the ground far below, where it lands on a tanker truck and explodes. People come rushing out of the buildings that are now on fire. Why haven’t they been evacuated? This close to ground zero and they still have not left? For such stupidity, they almost deserve the fiery end we see for one mannequin…er…man.

On the top floor, just under the roof, soldiers rush to place explosives near the tanks that are now filled with gas. These guys had the sense to take the elevator to the top. Once there, Johnnie tries to fight them off, but there are too many. He gets conked on the head. Peking Man reaches down from the roof through a hole in the ceiling and grabs a couple of the men. After a good squeeze, he tosses them over the side of the building. They fall all the way to the ground, yet don’t go splat when encountering the concrete. Instead, they land as if dropped from about five feet.

Johnnie comes around, but realizes he cannot stop the countdown set in place. He runs up to the roof again and tries to convince Samantha to leave, but she refuses. The bullets are still flying and he takes a hit in the leg. She pushes him down the stairs and closes the door, locking him inside the stairwell. Peking Man grabs her just as the bombs go off. There is a big explosion and in the fiery aftermath, Peking Man manages to deposit her on the floor one level down. Then, flaming away like a fourth of July sparkler, he hurtles over the side and falls, landing on the Post Office below.

Johnnie arrives and runs to Samantha (vaulting over a staircase railing despite his injured leg). There is no clue given as to how he survived the explosion, considering he was locked on the same level as the gas tanks. He looks Samantha over it and it seems from his anguished expression that she may be dead. He scoops her up and carries her off. Far below, Peking Man struggles one last time and then dies having somehow survived a million bullets, a hundred tank shells, being set on fire and falling from the top of a fifty-two story building. Cradling Samantha in his arms, Johnnie looks out over the city from a massive hole in the side of the building.

The End.

Review

Yikes, what a train ride. It might not be barreling towards an explosive wreck, but it’s still all over the place. It’s fairly obvious that this movie was made to cash in on the success of 1976’s King Kong remake by Dino De Laurentiis, only at a mere fraction of the budget the earlier film enjoyed. Taking the basic premise of King Kong and mixing it with Mighty Joe Young, this movie combines them both into a Hodge Podge of simian silliness that unfolds against an Asian backdrop with enough unintentional camp, cheese and sheer goofiness for about three films. Depending on one’s viewpoint, it’s either a bad good movie or a good bad movie.

Simply put, the characters in this movie are all morons. All of them. Well, we might excuse Samantha because having grown up alone in the jungle, she has no experience with other people and cannot be faulted for her naiveté. However, everyone else is fair game and they all act like escapees from an imbecile convention. This tendency for idiocy is not really due to any inherent fault with each character, but more because of the terrible writing. The movie plows along, fully intent on hitting a set of predetermined plot points and if the characters have to act like morons or assholes in order to get there, so be it.

Lu Tien fills the role of evil capitalist pig. His only interest is money and everything he does is only to further his own personal gain. He sees the Peking Man as an animal to be exploited and is too greedy and short sighted to consider all the dangers of his undertakings. That said, the sloppy writing has him doing some really stupid things. He hires Johnnie to lead his expedition, then abandons him and later claims Johnnie does not have the skills to survive in the jungle. Then why did you hire him? Later, he’s so hell bent on getting to Hong Kong so that he can exhibit Peking Man that he convinces the freighter captain to sail through a typhoon rather than wait it out in Singapore. If Peking Man is so valuable to him, then why endanger the creature’s life in such a risky fashion? His disregard for the animal’s well being as well as his later attempts at raping Samantha only cement his status as character most deserving of being stomped. Luckily, the filmmakers obliged us on that one.

Ah Lung and Ah Pi do not fare much better. They suffer from an even worse case of apathy on the part of the producers as neither of them is ever referred to by name in the film. The IMdB lists their character names and I can only trust what is written there. Since their time in the movie is so short, it’s rather hard to label them as morons, but they sure didn’t present themselves as overly sharp or competent, either.

As the hero of the film, one would think Johnnie would be written as, well…heroic. One would be wrong. Johnnie is a moron, too. He finds his fiancée Lin Chang in bed with his brother Charlie, but only becomes enraged at her, seemingly forgiving his brother on the spot. Then he leads the expedition into the jungle where his leadership skills end up getting numerous people killed. He plucks Samantha and Peking Man from the jungle with nary a thought for what civilization will do to them. When she complains to him about how Peking Man is chained up on the freighter, he pretty much ignores her and then gives her new clothes to wear. When it’s clear that Lu Tien cares not for anyone or anything other than his own pocket book, Johnnie does not try to fight on behalf of Peking Man, but just gives in to the other man. Overall, he’s something of a loser and one would like to think that if she had survived, Samantha would have pushed him off the roof of that building before heading back to the jungle.

The FX in this movie range from passable to horrendous. As much as people like me love kaiju films, a healthy suspension of disbelief has to be maintained in order to buy into the idea of a giant monster being represented by a man in a costume on a set full of miniatures. So no matter how good the miniatures look, they are still painfully obvious as miniatures. That said, the miniature work in this film is pretty damn good, especially the urban landscape of Hong Kong. Sure, such shots don’t match the live action scenes very well, but we can look past that. The Peking Man suit on the other hand is not the best example of a giant ape in a kaiju flick. Then again it is certainly not the worst. Any flaws are easy to ignore for those willing to do so.

Another decent element is the giant robotic hand used to grab or lift people up. It actually looks pretty good and is quite convincing. The giant foot that is used to stomp people is slightly less effective, but since it is on screen for just brief seconds, it’s easy to overlook its flaws.

Alas, other FX techniques don’t fare so well. The fake elephant foot used to crush one porter is so rubbery looking, it almost looks like it should bounce off the poor man. Then there is the furry tiger’s head puppet that bites off a porter’s leg. This scene is especially funny given how utterly clean the bite is. There is no ravaged flesh or crush bones, just a nice clean cut as if the leg was removed with a laser. The animal doesn’t even have to pull or tear at the limb, just CHOMP and the leg is gone.

Elsewhere, there is an over reliance on rear screen projection shots. I say “over reliance” but the truth may have been that the budget didn’t allow for any fancier methods for matting two disparate elements into one shot. Given the lackluster results of such attempts in the film and maybe the rear screen approach may be for the best. The problem that arises is that Peking Man’s size changes on a constant basis depending on which method is used to show him on screen. In some shots he appears no larger than fifty feet in height, while in others he looks to be a couple of dozen stories tall. That and the differences between the costume’s face and an animatronic head used in some shots make for a monster whose appearance is in a constant state of flux.

An element that contributes to Peking Man’s inconsistent look is the crappy editing. I can only assume that a blind person is responsible for the editing in this film as I cannot see how anyone could knowingly put certain shots back to back. For example, in other films, the monster will be shown rampaging, then a shot of a fleeing crowd will be shown and then another shot of the monster in a new position. That quick cutaway to the crowd at least gives one the impression that while you are watching people run in fright, the monster has moved and changed positions, thus accounting for his new location on the subsequent shot. In this film, we get several different shots of Peking Man back to back, and in each one he is in a different location or position. Making matters worse, sometimes the lighting changes from shot to shot or the costume used is different. The end result is a barrage of jarring changes that don’t make a lick of sense.

The horrible editing is not only applied to the monster. In numerous cases, the film jumps back and forth between shots that were apparently not filmed in the same location, even though they are supposed to be. Use of stock footage in places – like the elephant stampede – are obvious, but even within the footage filmed for this movie, there are location shots that just don’t match up very well. One minute Johnnie is standing at the mouth of Samantha’s cave. The next he is swinging on a vine through the jungle, the cave nowhere in sight. This and numerous other instances make for a film that seems rather sloppily put together.

I hesitate to bring up any deeper issues the storyline may examine, whether intentional or not. Ideas about man’s relationship with nature, his seemingly inherent greed and need to control everything as well as the barbarity of what he deems to be civilization were probably commented on much better in earlier films (like the original King Kong). Here, any more thoughtful ideas are lost in a mélange of hideous period music and costuming, horrendous dialog, crappy FX shots, poor dubbing and near incompetent editing.

In the final determination (at least for me, yours may differ), The Mighty Peking Man is not a good film. It’s not even a mediocre film. In truth, it’s a rather crappy film. The production values only extend to the miniature work with just about everything else falling short. However, that in no way impedes the viewer from enjoying the movie. There is a classic “bad filmmaking” vibe that makes it hard to tear one’s eyes away from the screen, if only to see what lunacy will unfold next. Whether this is a result of the “genius” that Roger Ebert credits the film with or from sheer accident, it still provides for an entertaining viewing experience.

02 Mins – Gah, monkey crotch shot!
10 Mins – Somebody call PETA!
15 Mins – Attack of the surgical Tiger.
21 Mins – Blonde jungle chick to the rescue.
30 Mins – Don’t miss the tree-climbing maneuver from Samantha.
51 Mins – Where did that rock come from?
69 Mins – Revenge of the monkey’s paw!
72 Mins – Look at the size of the zit on that guy’s chin!
90 Mins – After all that, he is still alive.

Lu Tien on Johnnie’s chances of emerging from the jungle.

Lu Tien: “No, Johnnie won’t survive. He doesn’t stand a chance. I’m afraid it’s impossible for him to get out alone. He’s a good kid, only he doesn’t know the jungle.”

Shadow’s Comment: And yet YOU hired him to lead your expedition! And if his chances were so slim, why did YOU leave him there?

• Strong winds and lightning always accompany an earthquake.
• Libraries in Hong Kong do not require you to be quiet.
• Quicksand can pull you under in about three seconds flat.
• Living alone in the jungle by no means prohibits access to and use of cosmetics.
• Giant apes are experts on the medicinal properties of jungle plants.
• Large rocky protrusions are commonly encountered far out in the ocean.
• Falling nearly 600 feet will not cause any major body trauma.

The authorities issue their orders concerning a rampaging Peking Man.

The Commissioner: “All units, your are to concentrate your fire and also intensify it. Anything to kill Peking Man. Anything to kill this Peking Man. Kill the Peking Man by any means you can. Kill the Peking Man by any means. That’s an order.”

Shadow’s Comment: ANYTHING to kill him? Have you tried showing this movie to him? That ought to do the trick.

Shadow's rating: Four Tombstones

The Good

• Hot blonde chick in skimpy outfit
• Miniature work is detailed and quite good
• Movie is so cheesy, it's fun

The Bad

• Horrible dialog
• No one takes note of blonde chick in animal skins running around Hong Kong
• 70's music can be painful

The Ugly

• The surgical tiger
• Peking Man's size is never consisent
• Too much rear screen footage
• Terrible editing.

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