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Title: One Million Years B.C.
Year Of Release: 1966
Running Time: 91minutes
DVD Released By: 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Directed By: Don Chaffey
Writing Credits: George Baker, Michael Carreras, Joseph Frickert and Mickell Novack
Starring: Raquel Welch and John Richardson
Taglines:
1. This is the way it was.
2. Travel back through time and space to the edge of man's beginnings... discover a savage world whose only law was lust!
Alternate Titles: None found
Review Date: December 5, 2005

Shadow's Title: "Prehistoric Beach Babes in Skimpy Fur Bikinis…with Dinosaurs, Too"

Content Guide:



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Single sentence synopsis:
Banished from one tribe, a caveman must contend with giant dinosaurs, busty babes, a new tribe, busty babes, Neanderthals, busty babes, a barren landscape and…busty babes during his subsequent adventures.


Listen to the opening theme! (35.2 KB)


Internet Movie Database listing for this film.

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When it came to casting, the Hammer Glamour maxim was in full force: beautiful and sexy women. The studio gained access to Raquel Welch, who had been featured in Fantastic Voyage as well as playing smaller roles in other films, through American distribution partner 20th Century Fox. Martine Beswicke, one of the few women to play a Bond girl more than once, was also brought in for the secondary female role. Cast opposite Welch was John Richardson, who starred in the studio’s remake of She. The actors found quite a challenge set before them. First off, there was no dialog other than a few basic grunts and short, two-syllable words. They found that they would have to rely more on their facial expressions and physicality to convey the emotions the story required. On top of that, they soon found themselves working with co-stars that were not there: dinosaurs that would be added later by Harryhausen. Precision of movement was very important if their actions were to properly synch up with the FX footage to come. This is where Harryhausen took a part in directing the actors, informing them as to where to direct their gazes and throw their spears.

After filming ended, Harryhausen set to work on the FX, which would take him nine months to complete. However, the results were well worth the wait – his creations sprang to life through the extremely detailed models as well as Ray’s painstaking animation approach, which truly made the creatures appear to be alive via small touches like breathing, blinking eyes and tail movements. Sadly, time and budget restraints meant that two monsters shown in the film had to be brought to life by using decorated iguanas and then shooting them at high speed to convey the illusion of mass. Hammer would go on to make two pseudo sequels to the film, the first of which also featured Martine Beswicke. Ray Harryhausen was not involved with either film and in fact the third movie contained no dinosaurs whatsoever. Interestingly, the original British release of One Million Years B.C. runs at one hundred minutes while the U.S. version only runs at ninety-one minutes. Reports indicate that this is not because the U.S. print was cut to a shorter running time, but seems to be because the two versions were edited differently, with many scenes appearing in a different order in the two versions.

Update: reader John Bernhard wrote to share the following regarding the different cuts of the film:

I was just checking your site out and noticed you comment about the longer version of the film.  The UK print and DVD do run 100 min but the two versions are edited exactly the same.  The US version was edited / censored removing some mild violence and toning down some of the dinosaur attacks to make them less intense or scary. TCM ran the uncut version once back around 1998, and it was very disappointing that the R1 DVD contained the shorter cut.  Warner Brothers also has a longer cut of WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARH that contains some nudity, and like ONE MILLION, they cut it prior to US release and the shorter version is what was released on VHS and laserdisc.

Thanks for the info, John!

We are introduced to the Rock Tribe, who make there home in a mountain cavern. The women of the tribe spend their days hanging out at home waiting for the men to return with food so that they can cook it, while the men spend their time hunting down that food and being overly hairy. Their leader is a man called Akhoba, who doesn’t look like he has ever missed a meal. His two sons are Sakana and Tumak. The two brothers don’t like each other very well. Sakana especially has it in for Tumak because the latter was singled out by Akhoba for the honor of killing dinner as well as managing to capture the eye of the tribe’s resident hottie, Nupondi. Alas, things go Sakana’s way when Tumak is banished from the tribe after a big fight with Akhoba over the issue of some roasted boar flesh and who’s stomach exactly it was going to wind up in.

Tumak wanders the barren landscape (two words I use too often in this damn review) and has all sorts of amazing adventures. Well, not really. It's more like he runs for his life from a menagerie of things out to gobble him up: gigantic iguanas, huge spiders, dinosaurs and even some Neanderthals that are even more hairy that he is! Finally, worn out and dehydrated, he collapses on a sandy dune overlooking the sea. It is here that he meets Loana, who happens to hold the Miss Universe crown for the year 1,000,000 BC. She and her blonde prehistoric friends, including Ahot - the world’s first bleach blonde surfer dude, save Tumak’s ass from being trampled by a giant sea turtle. Then they take him back home to the Shell Tribe. It is here that he learns all about spear making, fishing, farming and proper hair care. He even pitches in to help defend the tribe from a nasty Allosaurus that wanders in looking for a snack. However, Tumak refuses give up his old ways of thinking and after another fight (this time with Ahot over the issue of a spear and who gets to keep it) he is banished…again.

This might be where things really take a downward spiral, but all that charisma and charm has paid off for Tumak: Super Babe Loana has opted to leave her people and accompany him. Not questioning a good thing, he sets off back towards the Rock Tribe where, unbeknownst to him, his brother Sakana has succeeded in becoming leader after ensuring that Akhoba took a dive from a cliff. Not that Akhoba is dead, cuz he isn’t. He is now just the tribe gimp, stumbling around and giving everyone the evil eye. Tumak eventually rejoins his people and brings them the secret of a better spear. Alas, events are moving inexorably to a final confrontation. How will Nupondi react to Tumak’s new main squeeze, Loana? Will the members of the Rock Tribe ever learn how to bathe? Can Tumak rescue Loana from the clutches of a mama Pteranadon? Will Tumak wrest control of the tribe away from his brother Sakana? Will Ahot and other members of the Shell Tribe arrive in time to help? What does the volcano have to say about it all? Find out when you watch One Million Years B.C.

Akhoba – The leader of the Rock Tribe, which means that he barks orders at everyone, pushes them around and gets the biggest piece of meat at dinner time. Despite being a wee bit on the chubby side (all those big portions, you see) this guy is very agile, climbing up a rock face with damn near Spider-Man like ability. Unfortunately for him, the prehistoric world is a dog-eat-dog type of place where tribal leadership is questioned and challenged at nearly every turn. Trust the wrong person, as Akhoba did with Sakana, and you can end up tumbling down that steep rock face. Afterwards, Akhoba spends the remainder of the movie as a prehistoric gimp. Played by Robert Brown, who also played M in a slew of James Bond flicks.

Sakana – This guy is Akhoba’s eldest son, which means that he barks orders at almost everyone, pushes them around and gets the second biggest piece of meat at dinner time. Sakana and his brother Tumak have a fierce rivalry, and whenever one is singled out for some honor from their father, the other almost explodes in a fit of jealous rage. Sakana is quite pleased when Tumak is expelled from the tribe and takes the opportunity to steal his brother’s girlfriend. A short time later Sakana jumps at the chance to become the tribe’s leader when Akhoba meets with an “accident.” Alas, in time Tumak returns to see his point made clear: What goes around, comes around.

Tumak – This guy is Akhoba’s youngest son, which means that he barks orders at almost everyone, pushes them around and gets the third biggest piece of meat at dinner time (sensing a pattern here?). Tumak gets exiled from his tribe for daring to fight his father over some meat scraps. He then aimlessly wanders the wilderness, encountering all manner of dangerous, man-eating creatures until at last he meets the most dangerous of them all: blondes. After he hooks up with Loana and learns the secrets of spear-making (and more importantly, bathing) he returns to his people to fulfill his destiny…or at the very least, to fulfill the requirements of the script.

Nupondi – A member of the Rock Tribe, she is by far the hottest chick in that particular tribe. She and Tumak seem to have eyes for one another, though it does not seem that he has officially bonked her over the head and made her his mate. Once Tumak gets the boot from the tribe, Sakana claims her as his woman, though she secretly pines for his brother. When Tumak returns, Nupondi is overjoyed to see him…until she sees who has accompanied him on his return: Loana. This resentment results in history’s first catfight. Later she smiles when Loana appears to have been carried off to her doom by a Pteranadon. Played by Martine Beswicke (Prehistoric Women, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde).

Loana – This is the totally smokin’ hot beach babe that finds Tumak after his long trek through the wastelands. She cares for him, shows him the ways of the Shell Tribe and then accompanies him when he is banished from that tribe for fighting. There is not much more to say about her other than “Damn!” She is seriously fine. The only unbelievable thing is that Tumak didn’t try to hump her as soon as they were out of sight of the Shell Tribe...and every chance thereafter. I know I would have tried! Played by popular and famous pinup gal Raquel Welch.

Ahot – This guy is a member of the Shell Tribe. He doesn’t seem overly thrilled when Loana starts showing that smelly newcomer Tumak so much attention, though he is friendly towards the other man. After Tumak helps repel and kill an attacking Allosaurus, Ahot seems to warm up to him even more…until Tumak tries to keep Ahot’s spear and then later attempts to steal it. This leads to a big fight, resulting in Tumak and Loana leaving the tribe. Showing what a big guy he is, Ahot gives Tumak the spear in question as the pair leaves. Later he helps Loana and Tumak when Sakana makes one last bid for leadership of the Rock Tribe.

Our movie begins with a black screen and some weird sound effects that remind me of a tornado sucking an active vacuum cleaner through a rooftop (not that I've heard that...ever). Then the black fades to blue and…horror of horrors! An announcer breaks the silence!! Good god, does every movie before 1970 have to start this way? Was there some powerful Announcer/Narrator Union that muscled filmmakers into putting these voiceover segments into their movies? Was there some unspoken rule that required a certain percentage of genre films to begin in such a manner? What can explain this? Anyway here is what Mr. Announcer says:

“This is a story of long, long ago…when the world was just beginning.”

Um…that’s it? Whew. I was expecting this moron to babble on for ages and ages – long enough for the cavemen in the film to evolve and invent mankind’s greatest achievements: the wheel, written language and internet porn. Instead we get a few shots of smoke and gas, accompanied by more weird music. Suddenly stars are flying past us. WTF? Are we in outer space now? Why? I can believe that the smoke and weird music was to denote “we the viewing audience” traveling back in time to witness these events of “long, long ago,” but we have to travel in space as well? Is this a shortcut? Of course, I do concede that time travel must also involve some type of spatial movement, as the Earth occupies a different position around the sun at any given moment in time. Traveling back to yesterday also requires traveling to the point in space where the Earth was yesterday…or else you might end up floating in the void. So I can see why we are suddenly flying through space. It is just…I don’t give the producers of this film enough credit for thinking things through to such a degree. Then again, I’m betting you weren’t expecting this either, were you? Shall we return to the movie now?

We hurtle through the stars, which now turn a bright red. We’re redshifting! Can you believe it! We…ok…uh…back to the movie. Now there is this swirling thingie up ahead that looks like the title phenomenon from Disney’s The Black Hole. Just as it appears that we are about to fly through (or into) this thing…KAPOW! There is a huge explosion (I seem to recall similar events transpiring in the theater during the Disney movie when the audience realized they’d paid for such a crapfest)! Now we see molten lava being flung into the air by volcanic eruptions, hot gasses no doubt filling the air with their lethal presence (again I’m reminded of the Disney movie). We see some rivers of lava then more explosions follow. Now the wind strikes up and it sounds like a storm is blowing in. FINALLY, we get the title card, which also heralds the arrival of some real music. After what seems like several Jurassic Periods, the credits end and the music gradually fades out.

We now fade in on a sunrise over a rocky and barren land. Oh, shit. Guess who is back. Yep, Mr. Announcer. This is what he has to say now as we gaze upon the desolate landscape:

“A young world. A world early in the morning of time. A hard, unfriendly world.”

At least this guy doesn’t blather on endlessly like some of his colleagues do, like the announcer/narrator for Mesa of Lost Women, who just doesn’t know when to shut the hell up. After that brief statement from Mr. Announcer, we are treated to several shots of this “young, unfriendly world.” It should be noted that the place does look pretty worthless – lots of rocky mountains, cooled off lava flows and dry hills with scrub brush. Almost as if you smashed parts of Utah, Hawaii and Nevada together. Then we see some type of vulture/buzzard perched atop a dead tree. The shot slowly pans over to a large snake in another nearby tree. As this happens, Mr. Annoying returns and says:

“Creatures who sit and wait. Creatures who must kill to live.”

OK, before we go any further…that snake is a constrictor – be it a Boa, Python, Anaconda…whatever. My point is, this is a freakin’ desert we see! I thought constrictors made their homes in more tropical locales? Who knows. So the camera keeps panning past the snake and on around to a point behind where we originally started. Now enters the most annoying animal of all: man. We see movement behind a bush – a man covertly spying upon a boar. To stress the arrival of Homo Sapiens into the film, you-know-who is back…and I am not referring to Lord Voldemort!

“And man...superior to the creatures only in his cunning.”

Good god, when is this guy going to shut up and go away? I mean it! Every time I think that dork has said his last piece and obliged everyone by leaving the movie, he breaks the silence and interrupts the film again with another useless nugget of vapid verbiage.

So now our attention is directed to this fine specimen of early man. Wearing a loincloth and barely there foot coverings made from animal furs, he completes his ensemble with another large piece of fur, thrown over the shoulder and worn as a cape. His hair is long and stringy, his beard is matted, there are large tufts of hair growing sporadically over his legs and no doubt he is preceded by a smell that could drop a T-Rex at fifty paces. In other words, he is a Proto-Hippie. Actually, he is a member of the Rock Tribe. A fitting name, cuz back in the 80’s, I remember a couple of heavy metal rock groups that sported a similar look. With a blood curdling shriek (more like a retarded wail) (19 KB) he launches himself from his hiding place and charges up to the boar and then continues on past the beast. The boar immediately gives chase, which staggers the imagination. With what this guy must smell like, I’d think animals would run away from him. Bounding over some rocks, Mr. Caveman makes sure to leap across some branches on the ground. The boar however is no tactician at all and runs right over them…and falls into the pit they were concealing.

Mr. Caveman stops to confirm that the boar has been captured then lets out a triumphant, “Aayeeeee” yell, which is soon taken up by other members of the Rock Tribe who have been waiting atop a nearby hill. This bunch comes barreling down the slope, yelling as they go. For his part, Mr. Caveman continues with his asinine “Aayeeee” yells.

“Here my plea, oh mighty sky god and bestow upon us
shaving cream and bic razors…fast!”

Then…DAMN. I thought he was gone! See what I mean? Just when you think this asswipe has left the building, he’s back like a STD outbreak. Yep, it’s the annoying announcer. So, this is what jerkwad has to say this time:

“There are not many men yet, just a few tribes scattered across the wilderness. Never venturing far, unaware that other tribes exist, even. Too busy with their own lives to be curious. Too frightened of the unknown to wonder. Their laws are simple: the strong take everything. This is Akhoba, leader of the Rock Tribe…and these are his sons, Sakana and Tumak. There is no love lost between them…and that is our story.”

Do you think that with those last words, it means he has gone away for good? Let's hope so! Anyway, while all this is being said, we see numerous other males from the Rock Tribe congregate around Mr. Caveman, including the aforementioned Akhoba, Sakana and Tumak. All of them are excited, as no doubt they realize that they get to eat tonight. Akhoba seems to single out his son Sakana, who picks up a pointed stone and prepares to jump into the pit with the boar. This upsets Tumak for some reason. He tries to take the stone away from his brother and the two are quickly pulling at it like little kids fighting over a treasured action figure. Akhoba steps in and stops them. Tumak growls, gestures and somehow makes a case for himself. This sways Akhoba, who pushes a visibly pissed off Sakana away. Then with that retarded wail that must run in the family, Tumak jumps into the pit (241 KB) with the boar. He quickly hops onto the animal and there is a horrifying moment when, after seeing him writhing around with the creature, that one thinks that he has been awarded mating rights by his father. Alas, it seems he has been honored with the task of killing the critter. He rolls around with an obviously fake boar for a few seconds, the other members of his tribe cheering him on from above. Finally, he manages to kill the beast and his helped up out of the pit. Others soon jump in to help remove the animal’s body.

Once the carcass has been laid out on the ground, Akhoba strolls over to it and with his bare hands, rips one of the tusks out of the creature’s head. He then presents this bloody token to Tumak, who accepts it with all the glee of a crack addict being awarded five free kilos. Then Akhoba is off, his sons right behind him and the others following. The boar is quickly tied to a pole and as it is hoisted onto the shoulders of two men, an old man is accidentally pushed into the pit. His moans pitifully and waves his arms for help. It appears that he has broken one of his legs. Seeing this and realizing that there is no place in the tribe for gimps, the others just give him a cursory glance before walking off. We then see that Buzzard/Vulture bird again, and we suddenly know what is going to happen to the poor old bastard. Not far off, leading the procession home, Akhoba pauses long enough to ensure that his son Tumak walks immediately behind him and not Sakana. The screams from the old man are heard and promptly ignored in favor of continuing the trek homewards.

The group races across the featureless terrain and arrives at the cave they call home well after dark. Rain is coming down by the proverbial bucket and as the tired men ascend the rocky path that leads to the cave’s entrance high atop a cliff, they are spotted and met by a group of the tribe’s women. The women are all happy to see their men return with meat and the men seem quite thrilled to see the ladies (although there is not a single welcome-home beer in sight). Akhoba is met by his woman and enters the cave while Tumak greets a big-breasted chick named Nupondi. He happily shows her his bloody boar tusk, but Sakana ruins the moment by shoving him. Then they all head inside.

Some time later, everyone is gathered in the central chamber. Akhoba sits atop a slight ledge, overseeing everyone and watching as the ladies go about roasting the boar over a fire. Everyone seems mesmerized by the flames and the cooking meat, as if they were a group of starving plane crash survivors that suddenly stumbled into a five star steakhouse. One young guy gets a little too anxious while waiting and makes the mistake of reaching out for a piece of meat only to have his hand stomped on by Akhoba, who has appeared next to the fire out of nowhere like some sort of prehistoric Batman. Soon enough, Akhoba’s woman takes a sample bite and then nods to him, letting him know that the meat is ready to be consumed. Akhoba promptly marches over, pushes everyone away and then tears off an entire leg for himself. As he stomps off, Sakana now pushes forward and claims another leg. A few random tribe members try to grab something but Tumak now arrives, muscles his way to the boar and claims his own chunk of flesh. The tribe leader and his sons now having been served, dinner becomes a free for all: everyone comes running and what is left of the boar is quickly ripped to pieces amidst much growling, snarling, fighting, tugging and slobbering on the part of the tribe members…in other words, it exactly like your typical Thanksgiving dinner.

As everyone eats their food, the cave rumbles and a few rocks fall from the ceiling, but this must be a common occurrence, as everyone continues eating as if nothing has happened. Akhoba, finished with his leg, but still feeling a bit peckish, saunters over to Tumak and rips the food right out of his hands. Tumak tries to fight but is pushed away by his father. Not one to take such ill-mannered gluttony laying down, Tumak picks up a staff and attacks Akhoba. The older man, however is prepared and fights back with his own staff. The two started bashing their staffs together like small kids pretending to be Jedi Knights, but few others take notice. Aside from Nupondi and Sakana, everyone else is too busy eating. The fight eventually leads to the mouth of the cave where Tumak takes a hit and falls over the cliff’s ledge. He hits a bushy ledge on the way down that helps cushion his fall and eventually lands in some more foliage further below. Akhoba stomps back into the cave (notice how these people do a lot of stomping? Graceful they are decidedly not), indifferent to it all, while Sakana seems pleased that his brother is gone. Apparently Nupondi was, or was going to be, Tumak’s woman and she is noticeably upset over seeing him take a dive over the edge. She wants to go check on him, but Sakana pushes her back inside…no doubt claiming her as his own now.

Morning comes and Tumak awakens. He pulls himself out of the bush (that sounds dirty) and looks around him. The music swells as we see the broad, barren landscape that stretches out before him, looking all the more intimidating now that Tumak has been banished from the tribe. He picks a direction and begins walking. When he gets to a higher point and can look back on where he has come from, he spits in the direction of the Rock Tribe’s cave, no doubt a symbolic gesture that meant “f*ck you” as much in those days as it still does today. He walks on and we suddenly hear a loud roar. A gigantic lizard comes crawling over a nearby rise…and I do mean a gigantic lizard. This thing is your standard size iguana that has been matted into the film and made to look like the size of a jumbo jet. Tumak wisely runs like hell, but the iguana follows. At one point the beast manages to snag Tumak by the ankle with its tongue, but he hits it with a rock and frees himself. Tumak runs on, gradually climbing higher and higher up a steep hillside in order to evade the monster. This he manages to do before coming upon a passageway that leads into the rock face.

“Hey! Weren’t you in Journey to the Center of the Earth?”

Following the passage, he discovers a large cavern that features a big pool of water at its center. Growing out of this pool and ascending to an opening in the cavern’s roof, is a large tree. Tumak instantly runs for the water and takes a big drink. Then he pulls some type of fruit from the tree and begins chowing down. However, his jovial mood at having found food and drink is squashed when he looks around and sees numerous skulls adorning the cavern. These skulls don’t look exactly human, appearing slightly misshapen. Again Tumak wisely decides to get the hell out of dodge, but before he can take more than a few steps, he hears a heavy breathing. He looks back and sees shadowy movement on the far side of the cavern, where a bipedal creature is descending towards the pool of water from an adjacent chamber. This thing is big, hairy and has really bad posture. No, it's not Rob Zombie. It must be a Neanderthal or something similar. Not sticking around to find out, Tumak follows a path that leads up and out of the cavern. He emerges onto a rocky plain and while traipsing around, slips and cuts up his hands. He picks himself up and continues on.

Back at the Rock Tribe, everyone is laying around the central chamber snoozing. Since it is not night, I don’t know why they are doing this instead of trying to locate more food. Maybe it’s hot outside. Maybe there already is a party of cavemen out there somewhere trying to wrassle up some grub. Then again, maybe the Caveman Union has strict requirements on hunting hours. Whatever the case may be, Nupondi wakes up next to Sakana – where he no doubt forced her to sleep, as part of his “claiming” her as his own. She quietly gets up and makes her way to the far side of the chamber and retrieves the bloody tusk that was awarded to Tumak by Akhoba. She picks it up but instantly a hand comes out of nowhere and grabs her by the back of the neck. It’s Akhoba! I told you that guy is one stealthy bastard. Nupondi drops the tusk and lets out a gasp, which awakens Sakana. He scowls at Akhoba, who scowls right back. Then Akhoba kicks the tusk towards Nupondi, who grabs it and holds it close. The tension gradually eases, Akhoba walking off and Sakana relaxing again.

We now return to Tumak, who wakes up from a nap amongst the rocks. He gets up and continues his aimless trek. He comes across some rather large footprints in the soil, which lead off into the distance. Looking at them, they were obviously made by something huge and nowhere near human. While Rosie O'Donnell springs to mind, a few seconds later a roar announces the arrival of that something: a large dinosaur of the brontosaurus type. It can be seen taking a stroll a short ways off behind a small rise, the bulk of its body easily seen over the landscape. Tumak wisely runs in the opposite direction. A few fast steps bring him face to face with…the worst looking monster in this film. And yes, it’s worse than the “giant” iguana from a few minutes back. This one is a tarantula about the same size of a car. Like the iguana, it is a normal sized spider that has been matted into the film and made to look quite large. If only they had not also matted in the cricket it was about to eat. That thing looks like it would out weigh a Saint Bernard. Again, displaying the type of wisdom that allowed him to live this long without getting eaten by something, Tumak hurries away from the big spider.

Now the scorching sun is taking its toll on him. He stumbles across the dry, barren land going…well, ya know…I haven’t a clue as to where he thinks he is going. After a minute or two, and numerous shots of the sun that are accompanied by music best described as “cello strangling,” Tumak crests a rise and sees something odd. His vision is quite blurred by now (so is mine), but as he slowly focuses, we see that a large body of water is not far away. It could be a big lake or the ocean itself. Since a stretch of land can be seen on the far side, we really cannot narrow it down any further. Slowly he makes his way toward the water, but he only manages to get a short ways down the hillside before collapsing in the sand. Fade out.

We now fade into a group of blonde hotties in fur bikinis as they frolic up and down the beach, running into the surf to catch fish with spears and generally make this film MUCH more interesting. Well, at least for us guys. Among this laughing, happy group is Loana, as played by the very tan and very shapely Raquel Welch. Suffice it to say that the woman is smokin’ hot. One of the women spots Tumak passed out up on the hill and after alerting her friends, the entire group huddles up before taking any action. Meanwhile Tumak has roused and seen the ladies down on the beach. The poor guy looks like total crap, being all scratched up and dirty from his long voyage across the wasteland. Oh wait, that’s what he always looked like. Loana has the other women wait by the water while she ascends the hill to check on this stranger. For his part, Tumak just passes out again as she draws near. Then again, if I saw that vision of loveliness advancing towards me, I’d pass out, too!

Loana reaches Tumak and turns him over onto his back. With his eyes nearly rolling back into his head, the poor guy looks like he is just about ready to cash in his prehistoric chips. Loana gazes at him with concern but before anything else can happen, there is an odd sound and a giant sea turtle comes crawling over the hill, intent on getting to the water no doubt. The appearance of the giant creature is Loana’s cue to grab a seashell hanging at her waist and blow into it. This sound is heard in the distance by some blonde guy who takes out his own shell and gives it a blow. Somewhere close, an entire tribe is assembling in answer to the call. This is the Shell Tribe which, unlike the Rock Tribe that is made up mostly of dark haired, pale people; is comprised for the most part of tan, blonde people.

Back at the beach, all the women have run away except for Loana, who tries to pull the unconscious Tumak to safety, but just ends up slipping and sending them both rolling down the hill in a pathetic display. Eight men from the Shell Tribe arrive, but the leader holds six back and approaches the sea turtle with just one other. Somehow, some of the women have now returned and are helping Loana remove Tumak’s ass from the creature’s path. Rocks and spears are thrown at the monster and it soon turns away from the group and heads in a different direction. That new direction seems to take it near where the other six men are, as next we see them throwing their own rocks and spears at the beast. Back where Tumak is passed out, Loana pushes one of the women away from him, making it clear that the “finders keepers” rule was in place even way back then and applied to strange, smelly and unshaven men. Finally, the sea turtle makes it past all these annoying pests and crawls into the water. The guy leading the men, who goes by the name Ahot, then sees Loana and Tumak. He races over and using his advanced medical knowledge (listening for a heartbeat), ascertains that Tumak is indeed alive.

“Hands off, sister! Find your own man!”

With the turtle now gone, the entire group heads back to the tribe’s home, Tumak having been picked up and carried by some of the men. Like the Rock Tribe, the Shell Tribe calls a large cavern home, but unlike Tumak’s people, they also have made the area outside rather homey as well. Plus, the interior of the cave features much better natural lighting. As far as prehistoric real estate goes, these guys have definitely got the better crib. As the group approaches, Loana speaks with and makes some gestures at an older man. This guy must be the tribal leader. Loana seems to be making a request and her wish is granted. She smiles and has Tumak brought into the tribe’s cave where he is placed on a bed of hides and furs. He is still a little shaken and struggles somewhat, but Loana eases his anxiety by stroking his brow and calming him with her presence (I’d go comatose too with a rack like that filling my vision). Ahot tries to get her to come away from Tumak but she declines. He then shares an uncertain look with one of the other women before walking off.

Now the action jumps back to the Rock Tribe, members of which are back out on the hunt for food. Akhoba spies a mountain goat high up on some rocks and points it out to the others, including Sakana. Akhoba then strips down to just his loincloth and shoe-thingies (a sight which will REALLY induce a comatose state from the mere shock), hands off his fur cape to one of the others and begins climbing the rock face while the rest circle around and try to cut off the goat’s escape. He does manage to get awfully close to the animal, but it evades his grasp. However he has gotten himself into quite the predicament – dangling from a ledge and unable to pull himself to safety. He calls for Sakana, who comes to investigate after sending the others after the goat. Sakana approaches the ledge and just looks down at his struggling father. Then he kicks the rock Akhoba has been clinging to, sending the older man plummeting to the earth below with a wail. The others come running about now, and Sakana grabs the fur cape that belonged to Akhoba. By claiming it as his own, he is showing the others that he has assumed the leadership of the tribe. There is a brief moment where the others don’t look like they are sure if this is a good or bad turn of events (much like the last presidential election), but violence is averted when they accept him as leader. This is accomplished by throwing their staffs to the ground. Once he is confident that they will not fight him, Sakana walks away…forcing the others to pick up their staffs and follow. Wouldn’t now be a good time to stab him in the back if they truly wanted to? Then again, these are cavemen, not rocket scientists.

Returning to the Shell Tribe, we see Tumak awaken on his bed of furs. He looks around at the members of the Shell Tribe as they go about their daily routines: men crafting spears, women cooking, children painting and other things that make it clear that these people are much more advanced than the morons at the Rock Tribe. Loana catches Tumak staring at her. Ahot catches Tumak staring at Loana. Loana looks at Ahot. Tumak looks at Ahot. Ahot looks at Tumak. Ahot looks at Loana. All in all, a scene with an undercurrent of tension, despite a total lack of dialog.

Loana fetches a plate (actually a turtle shell) of food and presents it to Tumak. He is wary over the offering so she just sets in down in front of him and backs off. He then grabs the plate, spilling half the food and begins shoveling the rest into his mouth with all the grace and manners of a starving Skeksis. The members of the Shell Tribe stare in surprise at his total lack of etiquette. The children even laugh at the spectacle, but are quickly hushed by an older man. Tumak finishes his food and tosses the plate away, a large portion of food still stuck in his beard. Despite this, Loana smiles at him and one must wonder what it is about this ill mannered, smelly oaf that she finds attractive? It’s a case of women always chasing after the bad boy, isn’t it?

Just like that we are back in the cave of the Rock Tribe, where some sort of celebration…or at the very least, some kind of ceremony/ritual is underway. The tribe members sit around banging sticks together while a couple others, decked out in furs and buffalo heads, dance around like morons. Sakana sits in his new place of power as chief. Suddenly the old gal that was Akhoba’s women (and presumably Tumak and Sakana’s mother) lets out a horrified shriek – for shambling into the cave is old Akhoba himself. The poor guy has survived the fall he took earlier, but is not looking the best. Aside from being extremely banged up and bloody, one eye is milky and white. Ewww.

Once more we return to Tumak awakening after a nap. Now he looks much cleaner than he was before. Loana must have given him a sponge bath while he was out. Poor bastard. A sponge bath from her is definitely something to be awake for! Tumak gets up and begins exploring the cavern. Nobody seems to be home, so he roots around with the unfamiliar things he finds: shell necklaces, string used to thread garments together and what not. After checking out the cave interior, he heads outside. The men are all making spears and Ahot demonstrates to him how to throw a spear. He hands the spear to Tumak who after a couple tries and tips from Ahot, grasps the concept behind throwing the weapon.

Loana now approaches with a big smile. I guess she was smiling. I wasn’t exactly looking at her face. She provides Tumak with the word they use for “spear.” Once Tumak understands this, she points to herself, says her name and then points to Ahot and says his name. Tumak repeats Ahot’s name but when Loana gestures to him, obviously asking what his name may be, he just says “Ahot” again. This prompts Loana and Ahot to share a look that makes it clear that they are wondering if some group somewhere has lost its tribal idiot. Loana goes through the naming process once again and this time Tumak understands what she is after and proudly provides his name. Everyone smiles and Loana leads Tumak away. Ahot’s smile instantly vanishes. Methinks this primitive is beginning to realize that Loana has a thing for this smelly newcomer.

Loana now leads Tumak a short ways away where some tribe members are tending to a garden. She pulls up what looks like a big turnip or something and hands it to Tumak. He goes to take a bite but is distracted by some children nearby who are attempting to knock fruit from a tree with long sticks. Tumak climbs into the tree and shakes it, causing fruit to tumble to the ground, the kids to squeal with delight and Loana to laugh. Heck, even back in the day, the easiest way to score with a new chick was to look good with kids! Tumak climbs back down and one small girl gestures for Tumak to lift her into the tree. This he does before Loana, smiling, takes his hand and leads him onward. Now she takes him to a stream that angles nearby toward the sea. A group of blonde women are wading in the stream and occasionally thrusting a spear into the water to catch fish. Loana wades on it, borrows a spear from one gal and shows Tumak how to impale a fish. She hands the spear to him and after taking it, he hops in the water and proceeds to splash up a storm with his attempts at catching a fish. He ultimately ends up on his ass, completely drenched. Tribe members gather around and laugh at his antics, which cause him to look back in puzzlement. He begins to see the humor, especially once he realizes that he has indeed caught a fish on his spear and is about to laugh along with the rest when a thunderous roar rends the air, bringing a swift end to everyone’s frivolity.

Everybody runs like hell when what looks like an Allosaurus comes stomping into camp looking for a meal. One guy isn’t fast enough in getting his ass out of the water and the dinosaur saunters over, picks him up, drops him in the water, picks him up again and puts the death squeeze on him. While all this is taking place, everyone is cramming into the tribe’s cave to escape the beast. With one guy now squeezed to death, the Allosaurus decides to save him for later and grab another morsel for its dining pleasure. After snapping at a few people and giving the place a thorough looking over, it opts to eat that poor girl that is still stuck in the tree. Naturally she screams like hell and falls out onto her butt. Just as the beast is about to snatch her up in its jaws, Tumak appears and fends it off, having grabbed a spear from Ahot. He lures the creature away from the tree, giving Loana time to rescue the child and Ahot to gather re-enforcements and come running.

“Damn it! I hate it when these dirty Homo Sapiens get in my drinking water!”

Tumak and the other men now confront the Allosaurus, which manages to push them back. The men retreat, passing underneath some sort of structure the tribe had rigged up with poles and leaves. The Allosaurus crashes into this thing and the whole mess comes crashing down on a couple of the men, including Ahot. Tumak, however, manages to avoid getting covered in debris and runs on. Ahot manages to free himself and run away but the last guy is just a wee bit too slow in getting his ass into gear. The Allosaurus grabs him and proceeds to put the death squeeze on him as well. His screams of agony alert Tumak and Ahot, who come running back to stab the beast with their spears. The monster drops the one guy (who now is no longer moving) and begins to back away. At one point the creature grabs the spear right out of Tumak’s hands with its mouth, forcing the cave man to run after a new weapon. This he does by going to that pile of poles left from that collapsed structure and trying to pull one free. Meanwhile, Ahot throws his spear at the Allosaurus and manages to impale it in the neck. This only pisses the monster off big time. It manages to remove the spear and Ahot wisely runs away. The beast now charges after Ahot, who runs right past Tumak. Tumak pulls a long pole from the pile at the last moment and raises it just as the Allosaurus is about to run him over. The creature is quickly impaled through the guts on the pole (750 KB) and collapses while Tumak rolls clear. The beast writhes around on the ground, letting loose with some truly shrill cries of pain before Tumak dispatches it with another spear thrust to the throat. The creature lies still and its breathing gradually slows before stopping all together.

Everyone now gathers around the slain beast and Tumak, who is mighty impressed with these new fangled gadgets called pointed-tip spears! Back at the Rock Tribe all they had were long sticks, but these things, with sharpened rocks affixed to their ends, are the bomb, baby! Ahot tries to take back the spear, but Tumak resists. The confrontation is about to escalate into a fight when Loana intervenes, pushing Ahot back and letting Tumak keep the spear. After all, it was Tumak who used it to kill the beast, right? Well that may be, but once Tumak has calmed down, she gently takes the spear from him and returns it to Ahot. The message is clear: the spear belongs to him and Tumak must return it. Ahot walks off while Tumak looks confused.

Sometime later it is time to bury one of the poor schmucks who was killed by the Allosaurus. A long procession files out of the cave and heads toward a big hole that has been dug in the ground. The body is placed inside along with some foodstuffs and other things to help him in the afterlife. Tumak doesn’t linger, but strolls into the cave while the others conduct their rituals. Within, he quickly grabs Ahot’s spear and hides it among some furs. While he is doing this, Ahot enters, sees what he is up to and grabs the spear away from him. Naturally, a fight begins. They bounce all over the place struggling with one another, using whatever is laying about as weapons. Finally, Ahot is knocked to the ground and as Tumak is about to stick him with his own spear, the rest of the tribe enters and pulls him away from their kinsman. Tumak is hauled outside to face tribal judgement, while Loana looks like a dinosaur just swallowed her puppy whole.

Outside, Tumak is taken to the edge of the camp and a gesture from the old leader makes it clear that he is to bugger off. Tumak begins to walk away but a call from Loana stops him. She rushes to him and mutters something in her primitive dialect. Ahot approaches and extends the spear to Tumak, showing that he isn’t such a bad guy after all. Loana grabs Tumak’s hand and forces him to take the spear. Then Tumak walks away. A few seconds later she runs after him. Ahot watches her go and then turns to some other blonde woman. I guess she is his “back up woman.” Loana catches up with Tumak and together they set out for…wherever.

The music kicks into high gear and we get several shots of Tumak and Loana crossing barren lands. Tumak is setting a brisk pace and Loana seems to be having trouble keeping abreast (hahaha! Get it? Cuz she has big boo…nevermind, – she has trouble keeping up). They continue on until eventually they arrive at a big smoking crater. This is where Tumak exited the cave with the pool, tree and Neanderthals earlier in the film. They descend into the cave and make their way to the tree that dominates the central chamber. Loana rushes to take a drink, but Tumak is more cautious, stopping her when she creates too much noise with her splashing. A good thing, too as shadowy movement and faint sounds herald the approach of more than one resident.

Quickly Tumak and Loana climb the tree and hide in its branches while several hairy primate things converge on the pool and begin to drink and pull fruit off to eat. In the tree, Loana lets slip the piece of fruit she was holding and it falls into the pool with a splash. This sets off a couple of the hairy guys, who start fighting over it. Seeing this as the distraction they need to get further away, Tumak and Loana climb the tree and huddle close to one another in its heights.

Night falls and the two of them are still in that damn tree, though its apparent that they are quite well aware of one another – sharing a meaningful look or two. More time passes and now it looks like morning has arrived. Carefully they climb the tree some more and reach the opening in the roof of the cave that allows them egress. They emerge back onto the rocky landscape. For some reason Loana holds Tumak’s arm close to her face and lets a few tears roll down her cheek. Women! Go figure.

The two continue their journey and at one point round a big bush and come face to face with a Triceratops. Well, it's more like they come face to ass with it, as the beast has its back to them and seems to be grazing on the meager foliage. The two try to sneak away but the large dinosaur sees them and gives chase. They don’t get too far when they run into another dinosaur, only this time it’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex…or a member of the same genus. Tumak and Loana take shelter in some rocks while the two giant lizards ignore them and proceed to fight each other. The two humans have a bit of difficulty escaping their narrow shelter with the two dinosaurs fighting so close, but then Tumak notices a small hole at the back of the cleft they are in. He and Loana begin pulling away the rocks and dirt in this hole and open it up enough so they can pass through it. Loana makes it but the small passage collapses behind her, forcing Tumak to attempt an escape the other way. Meanwhile, Loana wastes no time in putting the pedal to the medal and running like hell out of sight over a hill. Finally the Triceratops manages to gore the T-rex, which promptly rolls over and dies. Tumak takes this opportunity to escape, but now he cannot locate Loana. He calls for her but there is no response.

The Storyline.
Needless to say, the plot here is not very complex at all. With no English (or any other modern language for that matter) being used and only a smattering of made up caveman talk heard aside from all the grunts, the film really is not enabled to present a complex plot woven from numerous threads as all the action must be conveyed by the physical performances of the actors. Thus, the story is very simple, straightforward and told in a strictly linear fashion. However, that is not to say that the proceedings are dull, nor do things unfold at a languid pace. Director Don Chaffey keeps things moving along quite nicely and while that may not allow for a detailed look at everyday life in the year One Million B.C. it does permit ample opportunity to drive home the basics: life was tough, every day was a struggle to maintain an upper hand in the ongoing eat-or-be-eaten conflict and only the strong survived to eke out a miserable existence.

While much can be said for the themes that highlight man’s steadfast and relentless drive to survive in the face of such overwhelming adversity – relying on his (marginally) superior cunning and intelligence to prevail against all that nature can throw at him and thus eventually leading him to the top of the food chain as well as being the dominant species on Earth, there are more subtle elements that can be discerned as well in addition to the more overt Darwinian and Nietzschean aspects, the latter of which is represented by the near nihilistic representation of the world that prehistoric humans inhabit: one that is harsh, unforgiving and ultimately defeating. In Tumak’s wanderings and his eventual pairing with Loana, in addition to his return to the Rock Tribe and his subsequent usurping of power, we see hints at another Nietzschean idea – that of the Übermensch or Overman. While forcibly expelled from his people, Tumak takes up the challenge of survival without benefit of companions. Once he has been exposed to the advancements of the Shell Tribe, he returns to his people a changed man, having overcome the limitations and preconceptions imposed upon him by life amongst them. This is superbly highlighted in the scene where the Rock Tribe is pushing Loana to kill a defeated Nupondi. Loana is reluctant to take a life so callously and Tumak sees this. He also recognizes that things do not have to be this way and thus steps in and prevents the unnecessary death from occurring, opening up a new line of thinking for his people in the process. Then again, I could just be imagining all that and the film is a basic man-finds-destiny tale. You decide.

What is pretty obvious to see, is the human drive to find companionship, form communities and secure the future by propagating like mad. Nowhere is the adage “no man is an island” more apparent than in Tumak’s acceptance of Loana as first a travelling companion, and then as mate. This underlying theme, hidden away beneath all the shouting, fighting and rampaging dinosaurs is what really gives the film its emotional core, something everyone can relate to and thus allowing the audience to empathize more with these people so far removed from our own world. While their day to day lives are vastly different from our own, they still strive for the same basic necessities of life: food, shelter, companionship and to provide for their familial units. This is what truly brings the characters to life, and makes them much more than just cartoonish caricatures.

Characterizations & Acting.
As already noted, there is next to no dialog in this film, and what is heard is no more than just gibberish invented for the film. Thus, characters cannot be brought to life by what they say, but rather by the actions they undertake. These actions are mostly dictated directly by the environment in which they live or are influenced by life under such harsh conditions. One of the driving points of the film is that “the strong take everything.” This is highlighted by the leadership of the Rock Tribe. As the physically strongest male, Akhoba assumes the leadership by simple virtue of pushing any other contenders out of his way. Any dissention or questioning of that role is handled in much the same fashion. In fact, every dispute is settled by determining who is the stronger. As his sons, Sakana and Tumak must grudgingly submit to his rule, but have in turn developed their own bullying ways to ensure that after their father, they are the dominant males of the tribe. This way of life makes for a bleak existence and the tribe as a whole is shown to be a rather crappy place to live where one must continually fight to survive. The characters here are also blunt, cold and uncaring with very few redeeming qualities. We cannot help but feel somewhat glad for Tumak when he is forced to leave such a social environment behind.

In stark contrast is the life undertaken by the Shell Tribe. Whereas the predominant philosophy at the Rock Tribe was that everyone must fend for themselves and only the strong survive, at the Shell Tribe we see a society where individuals are much more cooperative with one another. This union of strength and ideas can be seen in their very way of life. Each member contributes to the greater good of the entire tribe. Resources are shared and the sick and/or injured are cared for, rather than left to die in the wilderness as the Rock Tribe are wont to do. This helps make people like Loana and Ahot more likable than anyone in the Rock Tribe, as we see them as being more civilized. Watching Tumak’s exposure to this new way of life as well as his difficulties in adapting only make it all the more sad when he is forced to leave. We know that he is a product of his harsh upbringing and really doesn’t know any better. Loana seems to recognize this, too and thus opts to travel with him. It's these subtle nuances that really aid in bringing the main characters to life. Despite his background, we root for Tumak, seeing in him the misunderstood loner that on some level, most people feel like at one time or another. Loana is the caring, nurturing type that helps Tumak expand his worldview, even if it is just by a little. In her Tumak has found someone who will stick by him no matter what…and not because she has been forced into doing so by his bullying, but by her own choice. This makes it seem all the more tragic when Tumak believes she has been devoured by a Pteranadon. We really feel that he has lost something precious.

All in all, the actors bring the characters to life adequately enough given the restraints of both dialog and the often-simplified characterizations. Then again, in a movie about cavemen, we really do not expect anyone to expound at great lengths about the meaning of life and their place in the vast universe. John Richardson makes for a decent Tumak, making him sympathetic in spite of his stubborn ways. Raquel Welch is equally as good as Loana, lending an air of hope to the film with her portrayal of a decent, caring woman. Still, ya gotta admit that more often than not, such aspects will be overlooked in favor of drooling over her in that fur bikini. Yes, she is incredibly hot in that thing, and several shots leave little to the imagination, but she does manage to inject the character with some actual personality. If Tumak symbolizes the strength of the movie, then she is definitely its emotional center.

FX.
Like any film featuring Ray Harryhausen’s work, this is where the true magic lies. No performance, no detailed set, no extravagant costuming nor any musical score can overcome the sheer movie magic of watching Ray’s creatures come to life on screen. And come to life they do! Ray always instilled within each creature subtle little nuances that really helped in conveying the idea of a living thing. From blinking eyes to labored breathing to involuntary tail and limb movements, Ray’s critters were always more that just the sum of their parts. Sure, everyone knew that they were only rubber models, but somewhere in that laborious process of animating them, they ceased being miniatures and became larger than life giants. Knowing how these monsters are brought to life in no way diminishes their impact once we see them. Stand out sequences include the attack upon the Shell Tribe by the Allosaurus. This scene requires the most interaction between the live action and stop motion elements, yet seamlessly blends the two together. Another notable scene is when the Pteranadon carries of the character of Loana. The camera tracks the beast as it flies back and forth, requiring the animation to synch perfectly with the camera’s movements. The fight between a Tricerotops and a Ceratosaurus allows Ray to show off his animating skills as the two beasts battle it out in a fierce confrontation. I know those computer generated dinos in Jurassic Park looked pretty cool, but in my book nothing beats a Harryhausen dinosaur for sheer magic.

Music.
In much the same way that director Don Chaffey relied on grunts and simple words to have the actors move through the story, so does Italian born composer Mario Nascimbene utilize an often simplistic approach to underscore those scenes. However, that is not saying that the entire film is comprised of such music. My father’s assertions of crappy music aside, the movie has several notable and outstanding themes in addition to the more primitive percussion driven moments. A loud, sweeping theme is used to convey the size of the barren landscape before Tumak as he makes his way out in the world. While still maintaining an epic, sweeping feel, there is more emotion crafted into later themes when Loana has entered the picture. The end of the film sees a return of the grand with the music that accompanies the volcanic eruption, followed by a quiet, more hopeful melody as the survivors pick themselves up and begin the process of beginning life anew. I am by no means an informed music critic, but I found the score for this film to be annoying at times and quite good at others.

Summation.
One Million Years B.C. has earned somewhat of a reputation as the film with Raquel Welch and her fur bikini. While she is featured quite a bit in her skimpy outfit, the other lasting impression imparted by this film are Ray Harryhausen’s dinosaurs. In all truthfulness, any and every film Ray provided FX for can be singled out because of his input. I hate to sound like a broken record, but for me Ray is truly one of the Grand Masters of genre cinema and his contributions to the film industry should never be forgotten. His creatures helped turn what could have been a silly little caveman movie into a memorable film adventure. While the performances by the actors can be graded at varying degrees, Ray’s critters are always at the top of their game and never disappoint. The camera work is pretty darn good, too. Cinematographer Wilkie Cooper captures the stark, barren yet beautiful landscapes of the Canary Islands very well, transforming them into a brutal world of eons past. This is one film that is definitely worth checking out at least once.

Shadow's Drinking Game: Every time the name "Tumak" is uttered by someone take a drink. Every time the name "Loana" is heard, take two drinks.

Obviously, English was a million years away from being spoken, so this section is mighty sparse this time around.
 

Narrator: “And man. Superior to the creatures only in his cunning.”

Shadow’s Comment: And odor.

Tumak: “Loana!…Loana!!”

Shadow’s Comment: Get back here and fix me a dinoburger!

Toyota: Oh, what a feeling!