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The Raiders of Atlantis


Title: The Raiders of Atlantis
Year Of Release: 1983
Running Time: 92 minutes
DVD Released By: Mill Creek Entertainment
Directed By: Ruggero Deodato (as Roger Franklin)
Writing Credits: Tito Carpi (as Robert Gold), Vincenzo Mannino (as Vincent Mannino)

Starring: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King
Taglines:
1. Adventure Beyond the Edge of Time
2. Action Unlike Any This Side of "Mad Max" and "Rambo"!
Alternate Titles:
Atlantis Interceptors
The Last Warriors
Atlantis Inferno

Review Date: 3.1.16

Shadow's Title: "The Raiders of Other Films' Ideas"

Buy This Film From Amazon

VHS
Raiders of Atlantis

DVD
Sci-Fi Invasion - 50 Movie Pack 

Characters
Mike Ross - When we meet Mike, he seems to working as some type of mercenary or muscle for hire. After completing a job and getting paid, he and his partner Washington decide to hop in their boat and sail for Trinidad. Of course, they never make it there, as Atlantis rises from the ocean and an army of gun-happy morons in make-up and cheap leather decide to take back the surface world.
Washington aka Mohammed – This is Mike’s friend and partner. At some recent point prior to the film’s opening, Washington decides to convert to Islam, giving up alcohol and changing his name to Mohammed. It seems like he is constantly telling people to call him that when they refer to him as Wash or Washington. Eventually he just gives up on reminding people (especially his pal Mike) and goes with the flow.
Professor Peter Saunders – A nuclear physicist who works aboard a converted oil rig on a project to raise a sunken Russian submarine. Too bad for him the radiation from the sub’s nuclear missiles cause the lost island of Atlantis to rise from the ocean depths. The oil rig is destroyed and the survivors now have to confront an Atlantian army of morons who have spent too much time watching Mad Max movies.
Dr. Cathy Rollins – An expert on Pre-Columbian languages, she was at an excavation in Mazatlán before being shanghaied by the U.S. Navy in order to translate an ancient stone tablet that Professor Saunders and his team found on the ocean floor. Her field of study is also of great interest to the Atlantians, who go out of their way to abduct her and take her back to their island, killing anyone who gets in their way.
Manuel – This moron was travelling with Bill and Washington on their way to Trinidad. I guess he was some sort of deckhand. Anyway, he has some type of connection to Atlantis, being descended from their people or something. The movie is never clear. All that is clear is that out of nowhere, he suddenly wants to kidnap Cathy and promises death for all the others. The other Atlantians don’t seem to want him around, either.
Bill Cook – A helicopter pilot who is known to Mike and Washington. He ferries people back and forth from the mainland to the oil rig where Saunders and his team work. After Atlantis rises and the platform is destroyed, he is among the survivors that Mike and Washington pull from the ocean. When the group makes landfall, they discover that an army of Atlantians has decides to kill everyone in sight.
Frank – This fool was one of the technicians that worked on the submarine project with Professor Saunders. He survives the destruction of the platform and is pulled from the sea with several others. Alas, when they get to land, he sees the carnage left in the wake of the Atlantians’ rampage and appeals to them to end the bloodshed. Of course they do not and Frank here gets a sword to the gut and then a sword to the head.
James – Another fool from Saunders’ team. After Frank is killed and the Atlantians – who call themselves Interceptors – attack, he volunteers to scout out an escape route from the building in which they are hiding. He is instantly caught by the Atlantians. Rather than kill him outright, they perform some unseen brainwashing technique on him, as the next time we see him, he is trying to kill his former comrades.
Larry Stoddard – When the group takes refuge in an old warehouse, they find this guy, who has been hiding out there with his wife and some other gal named Liza. Apparently they were on their way to a cocktail party when all hell broke loose and they decided to hide. All three of them ended up being totally useless and didn’t last too long after joining Mike’s group, though Larry here lasted the longest.
Barbara Stoddard – This is Larry’s poor wife. I was confused because Larry claims they were headed to a party when the Atlantians attacked, yet Babs here talks about being a school teacher and witnessing the violence and hatred of their attackers, implying that she saw school children murdered. So where was she when the attacks began…at work or on her way to a party? Gets an arrow right in her big mouth.
Liza – Her relationship to Larry and Barbara isn’t revealed. A friend? Sister? Neighbor? Ménages à trois partner? Who knows? Whatever the case may be, she was with them when they chose to hide in the warehouse. Given enough time and I’m sure Larry would have tried nailing her. Sadly for Liza, she was the first to die, the initial (and only) victim of an Atlantian with a flame-thrower. Klaus – Mike runs into this guy when scouting around on his own. At first each thought the other was an Atlantian, but after a brief fight they realized each was just a normal joe. It turns out he was just an inmate in the local jail who managed to escape when the cops were too busy being horribly killed by the invading Atlantians. Klaus joins Mike’s group and is pivotal in aiding their escape.
George – This poor guy was just heading out for a drive with his wife when everything hit the fan. The pair had barely made it to the driveway when a group of Atlantians came along and shot her with a blow dart before zeroing in on poor George. We never see what they do to him but later on, Mike’s group finds his body hog-tied and bleeding profusely atop his car like some sort of hood ornament from hell. Crystal Skull – The leader of the Atlantian Interceptors. The movie implies he was leading a normal life on the surface world amongst us regular humans until Atlantis rose from the ocean, and then he donned his Mad Max cosplay gear and went on tear. I guess he was supposed to look scary and intimidating like The Humungus or Immorten Joe, but he just wound up looking like a retard with a fishbowl on his head.

 

The Plot Hold your cursor over an image for a pop-up caption

I guess we now know where they’re going when they leave Oakland.You may want to get plenty of snacks and drinks ready, because you’re in for one hell of a ride. Does that mean that this movie is really good? Oh, hell no. This movie borders on the craptastic, but holy moley, does it have energy and style. I think the producers have shoehorned in plot elements and ideas from about ten Hollywood blockbusters into the following ninety minutes. Are you ready for a super cheesy, but fun ride? Here we go.

Things start off with aerial views of Miami, and immediately the frame freezes to let us know that we are looking at Miami in the year 1994. Since this movie was released in 1983, this was supposed to be some futuristic year. Once the frame unfreezes, and the numerous aerial shots of downtown Miami as well as about a dozen or more cruise ships begin, the disco-like theme kicks in! I hear this music and I picture guys in platform shoes, tight bellbottom pants and shirts with collars that could put an eye out, dancing about a colorful dance floor. But that’s just me. Please note that the Music is credited to “Oliver Onions” which is a pseudonym for Guido and Maurizio De Angelis, famous for composing the title theme to Yor, Hunter From The Future, among many, many other works. The title of this piece is Black Inferno and you can hear the entire song HERE.

With the opening credits out of the way, we turn our attention to a house along the coast somewhere. It’s not quite a super mansion, but it is big enough to have ten large columns surrounding its back porch area, which faces the beach. The place also seems to occupy a lonely stretch of said beach, as there does not seem to be another house or structure within sight. I guess that makes it good if you want your solitude. It also makes it easy to see girl scouts, salesmen and other nuisances coming from a long way off. Two guys in suits are standing around the back porch area to the place and it is obvious that they are lookouts or guards of some sort.

As lookouts, they totally suck at their jobs because they fail to see two men sneaking up on the house through the sandy beach dunes. These two are our mercenary heroes, Mike Ross and Washington. They sneak up and quickly subdue the two guards, punching them into unconsciousness. Then, using a rope and a grappling hook, they secure a line to the second floor balcony. Why they cannot go in the ground floor door situated less than ten feet away is a total mystery to me.

So Mike climbs the rope and enters the house on the second floor. Inside he snaps the neck of yet another guard before descending the stairs and observing an older guy reading a newspaper and lounging about in a robe. Mike sneaks up behind this guy and chloroforms him into sleep land. Another guard arrives, but a few karate kicks and chops later, he’s been put out of the picture. Mike then produces a large plastic sack about the size of a sleeping bag.

The next thing we see is Washington out front pulling the rope tight. One of the guards laid out on the grass starts to come to and pulls out a gun. Washington quickly produces a knife and throws it, impaling the guy in the chest. Inside, Mike has stuffed the unconscious guy into the plastic sack. The next thing we see is Mike on the second floor balcony, securing the sack to the rope with some hooks and letting the load slide down to the awaiting Washington.

Let’s review the last couple minutes for a moment. Mike climbs a rope to enter the house through a second story entrance, despite a door a few feet away. Then he descends to the first floor where he incapacitates his quarry. After that he stuffs the guy into a sack for easier transportation. Now comes the real kicker. Rather than exit out the first floor door, he hauls the unconscious guy all the way back upstairs, so he get use the zip line to get him outside and to the ground. Is it just me, or does it seem like there is a lot of wasted time and effort there?

So as Washington secures the sack, Mike climbs down the rope. Another guard comes running around the side of the house with a gun, but again Washington is much quicker, pulling his own sidearm and removing the guard in a hail of bullets. Well, maybe not a hail of bullets exactly. There was the sound effect of several shots being fired and the guard keeled over dead, but we never saw any points of impact. Mike and Washington quickly grab the sack and head off, the latter turning to gun down one more guard who attempts to pursue them.

Paying off the director didn’t help in getting out of this film.Further along the coastline somewhere, Mike and Washington deliver their sleeping guest to a couple other goons waiting alongside the road. A car sits a short ways away, a guy in the backseat reading a newspaper. Mike refers to this guy as The Colonel and I really don’t think his last name is Sanders. Whoever this guy is, he doesn’t want his face seen, hence the newspaper to block his features. He pays Mike and Washington fifty-thousand dollars in cash for their sleeping cargo. Who the Colonel is, who the they guy is they kidnapped and why the Colonel wants that guy are all questions that the movie won’t bother to answer. My guess is that the guy Mike and Washington kidnapped owed money to the Colonel or was involved in some sort of business which annoyed the Colonel and the now the Colonel is removing that annoyance. Good money says the poor sap currently sleeping in Mike and Washington’s trunk will soon have some up close and personal time with an assortment of power tools before being fitted for concrete boots.

Anyway, the Colonel advises Mike to disappear for a while. Mike says that he and Washington are planning exactly that, adding that they have a boat filled up with gas and that they will be heading off to Trinidad to have one hell of a good time. The sleeping guy is loaded into the Colonel’s trunk and each party goes their separate ways.

Soon enough Mike and Washington, along with some whiny little guy named Manuel, are on their boat and heading out to sea, no doubt heading to Trinidad, which is an island nation off the northern coast of Venezuela in South America, at least a thousand miles away. Given the size of their boat, I sincerely hope they plan on refueling at some port along the way, cuz unless the vessel employs Tardis technology and is bigger within than without, I doubt the fuel tanks on that thing hold enough to get them there in one shot.

As they cruise along, a helicopter buzzes by overheard and Washington wonders aloud, “what the hell he is doing off the platform?” After the helicopter circles their boat and buzzes over them about half a dozen times, it finally moves off. Mike states that it has got to be some guy named Bill Cook flying the aircraft as he is the only dirtball in the local parts that would do such a thing.

We follow the helicopter as it approaches and lands on a large platform of some kind in the middle of the ocean. It doesn’t look like it’s used as an oil rig any longer, but more like some sort of scientific installation. In the control center of said platform,, there are numerous people monitoring equipment of all types. Some lackey informs the commander that their chopper is on return approach from Machu Pichu. The commander in turn informs a Professor Saunders that his “expert” is coming in. Expert on what?

Saunders heads up to the landing pad to greet the new arrival, who happens to be a Doctor Cathy Rollins and who was on an archeological dig in Mazatlán when she was drafted by the U.S. Government and shoved on the helicopter, bound for this remote location. She has no idea what is going on, much like the audience at this point. She wants to know what an expert on Pre-Columbian dialects (aha, that’s her field of expertise) is needed in this place. Saunders takes her inside and tries to explain.

Hold the damn phone for a second! A minute ago we were told that the chopper was coming in from Machu Pichu, which is in Peru. Just now Dr. Rollins says that she was at a dig in Mazatlán, which is in Mexico, a good three thousand miles away from Machu Pichu. So where was she? Maybe she was partying it up in Mexico at some resort and this explains why she is so irritated at being brought to this location without any explanation.

Saunders shows her a tablet that he claims came from 5712 feet below the ocean’s surface at their current location. The tablet is in remarkably good shape, with ancient writing on it and the obvious representation of a skull. Saunders claims it is about twelve thousand years old (the age I will feel when this movie is finally over). Saunders wants her to decipher the inscriptions on the tablet.

Doctor Rollins asks what is going on and Saunders explains that a few years back a Russian submarine armed with nuclear missiles ran aground on the ocean floor below where the rig now sits. Their job is to raise the vessel to the surface. When she asks what the tablet has to do with raising the sub, Saunders just replies, “That’s what we’re hoping you’ll tell us.”

So Rollins goes to work, trying to decipher the tablet’s inscriptions. After in indeterminable amount of time, she reveals what little she has gleaned from her examination of the tablet. She feels that it may confirm the existence of Atlantis. This causes Saunders to frown, maybe because he doesn’t put much stock in the stories of the lost kingdom of Atlantis or maybe because he knows something he doesn’t want to share. I suppose we will find out which in due time.

Worst. Special Effect. Ever.What’s long and hard and full of seamen?Speaking of time, it is now the appointed hour to raise the sunken Russian sub. Why the Russians aren’t doing it is beyond me. One of the worst special effects I have ever seen now takes place. Rollins and Saunders stroll over to the work station of some moron named Frank. There are three screens at Frank’s station. Two seem to be blank but the third shows the image of the sunken sub. The problem is, the image is being overlaid on the film, so it doesn’t line up properly with the edges of Frank's screen. As Rollins approaches, the other two screens light up, showing the same image. These are overlaid images as well and all three seem to bobbing in midair because none of them line up very well with the screens they are supposedly being shown on.

The countdown begins and at one point when Rollins comments on how it doesn’t seem as complicated a procedure as she would have initially thought, Saunders says that the biggest hurdle was keeping the Russians in the dark. So the Russians have no idea these Americans (and I use that term loosely given the terrible dubbing and obvious nationalities of these actors) are trying to raise their sub? Do the Russians even know where the sub is located? Hell, do the Russians even know that they have lost a submarine? So the operation begins and the sub begins to rise.

We suddenly cut away from the platform and turn our attention to a high rise building in downtown Miami. A man in glasses is opening a safe and removing a clear helmet shaped like a skull. A skull that looks a lot like the one pictured on that tablet that Saunders claims comes from 5,712 feet below the ocean surface.

Back at the platform, the operation to raise the Russian sub has just hit a snag. Something else has appeared on “radar” as one technician puts it. Question: why in hell is he looking at the radar? Is he expecting Mothra or Rodan to fly over at any minute? The idiot should be looking at the SONAR, not the radar. Idiot. Things begin to go rapidly down the crapper about now. They lose radio contact with the shore, all their instruments start shorting out and exploding, and no doubt some fool just ate the last of the glazed donuts, leaving only those crappy apple fritters.

We shift our attention again to some place on shore, where we see a couple - George and Mary - exiting their house and preparing to get in their car. They stop to watch as the sky darkens and clouds rapidly roll in, like reckoning day itself has arrived. Well, perhaps it has. As they stand there slack jawed, staring off into the distance, Mary screams as a blow dart suddenly appears in her neck. It must have been tipped with poison cuz she keels over, instantly dead. The dart also seems to have punctured her carotid artery as well, because when George runs over to where she is stretched out on the sidewalk, her shirt has quite a bit of blood on it. Who would perpetrate such a vicious deed? Do you really want to know? Well, okay…

George looks up and there down the street a short ways is a group of the worst Mad Max cosplayers I have ever seen. Most of them are on motorcycles, dressed in studded leather and sporting hairstyles that makes one think their barber is either blind or regularly suffers from epilepsy. Maybe both. The cycles all surround a convertible car, which looks like an old 50’s model Ford or Chevy. The vehicle has been upgraded with protruding spikes and each wheel sports blades that extend from the hubcap and no doubt spin rapidly when the car is in motion. Exactly like the blades you see on chariot wheels in those old gladiator movies…or even new gladiator movies. Even the motorcycles have been embellished with spikes and blades.

Sitting up on the backseat of the convertible, like he was the king of the local high school prom night parade, is some dork sporting the clear skull helmet we saw earlier. I suppose this is the same guy who was removing it from the safe. The mask is really silly looking and resembles nothing more than the cheap plastic that it is. It makes the guy look like he is wearing an upside down fish bowl on his head. It really is stupid. Anyway, this guy raises his arm in signal and a bunch of the motorcyclists roar down the street toward George, who just cowers by his car and yells, “No!” a few times.

Pow, we’re back at the platform. What happened to that guy George you ask? I dunno. The movie didn’t bother to show it, but one can assume that he met a sticky end. The power on the platform is now flickering on and off and some fool yells to “radio for help!” Radio to who? I thought they had lost radio contact with the mainland.

A storm seems to be brewing outside and the seas are getting quite choppy. In the distance it looks like a colossal tidal wave is heading their way. Everyone grabs a life preserver and runs for the life boats. Soon enough the big wave crashes into the platform and obliterates it. Well, some water was splashed on a cheap model, which promptly tilted over and collapsed.

An island rising from the sea. Great Cthulhu can’t be far behind.Also being tossed around by this sudden storm is the boat with Mike, Washington and Manuel. As they watch from their boat, an island rises up from the sea, protected by a clear dome that encircles the entire landmass. The dome opens, making an annoying sound that causes more than one person to cover their ears in pain (including me). I don’t know if everyone passes out from the horrible sound or if it just fades away. Either way…

…The next thing we know, the ocean is as calm as Al Gore on dope. The surface is still and flat, which helps Mike, Washington and Manuel spot the survivors of the platform as they wave wildly on an inflatable raft a distance away. They pull the survivors from the water, which includes Professor Saunders, Doctor Rollins, the moron named Frank, another fool named James and Bill Cook, the pilot of the helicopter that Mike and Washington name dropped earlier.

It seems their boat is inoperable and after Saunders monkeys around with the engine, they are able to get it started. They get underway (for where, I don’t know) and soon night falls. Mike goes below deck and talks some with Doctor Rollins, who is still working on that tablet inscription (she must have saved it from the platform). When he asks what she is working on, she tells him that he might not understand. He wonders if she thinks that all sailors are like Popeye and only interested in eating spinach. She says that she likes spinach, so he tells her that when they get back to shore, he’ll take her out for a spinach dinner. He then advises her to get some sleep. Suddenly the boat rocks and Mike realizes they struck something.

The next thing we see is Mike and Washington swimming ashore. One must assume the boat collided with a sandbar or something. Yeah, go with that, cuz the movie isn’t going to bother offering up an explanation. That does not make much sense when you think about it. Just a couple minutes ago Mike was up top at the wheel with Washington and Bill Cook. They were worried that they had been traveling in circles, as there wasn’t a thing to see in any direction except for water. Now, just a minute or two later, they’ve hit something and there is a sizable landmass nearby. What, did it just come out of nowhere?

Mike and Washington identify the place as San Pedro Island. Washington remarks that it is no Trinidad, but he’ll take it. Yelling on the boat draws their attention. Manuel has apparently gone nuts and is holding Rollins as a hostage, keeping the others at bay with a gun. He starts spouting a bunch of goofy talk, saying things like, “You’ve gotta die, everybody, all of you!” and “We’ve got to kill you all.” Now before you go thinking he’s joined the Trump campaign, Mike and Washington return and ask him what the hell he is doing. Manuel claims that Cathy (Dr. Rollins) has got to go with him and that all the others are going to die.

Mike is able to get the gun away from him and without missing a beat, Manuel turns and dives into the ocean. He does not reappear. Did a shark get him? Is he holding his breath and swimming away? What?! Rollins claims that Manuel had a tattoo that was similar to a marking on the tablet. Rollins has an idea of what is going on, but finds it too incredible to share with the others at this time.

Day arrives and everybody is now ashore. They walk into town to find the place deserted, half wrecked and fires burning here and there. Kind of like what Oakland looks like after the Raiders win a game. It’s not long before they find the body of a man tied to a utility pole with wire. Everyone moves on, but Frank feels that they cannot leave the guy hanging there and that they must do something. Probably sensing that worse things await, Mike just keeps walking.

Further on, more signs of the massacre that took place are evident: the bloody body of a woman in a car, the body of another woman propped in a window, the bullet hole that killed her plainly obvious in her forehead and even more burning car wrecks. A sudden noise puts everyone on alert, but it’s just a horse(!) escaping a fenced in area and running down the street. The group discusses their options. Their only choice is to keep going.

So they move further inland and hear an odd sound from a building. It sounds like a record player with its needle stuck, replaying the same sounds over and over intermittedly. Mike investigates and finds a barren room with nothing but a jukebox. Hanging from the ceiling is another body, this one with its head and torso covered in a bloody sheet. As it sways back and forth, the corpse’s feet strike the jukebox, turning it on and off. Mike walks over and stops the corpses’ swaying. Frank remarks that “It’s the judgement,” and that god is going to make them pay for their sins. Does that include starring in this movie?

Long about now, Washington spots Manuel coming down the street. I guess after jumping off the boat, he made it to shore. Manuel shouts out a warning to Mike and the others to run and leave Cathy (Doctor Rollins, who I will be referring to by her first name from now on). He claims that he and the others will kill them all just to get to her. Manuel doesn’t offer up any explanations (much like this movie). He just yells at them to go so he won’t have to kill them all. He runs toward them down the street and turns a corner. There, in all their Mad Max glory, are a bunch of those crappy cosplayers on motorcycles. One uses a bow and arrow to take out Manuel. Further back the direction Manuel just came from now appears the rest of the morons, including Crystal Skull aka fishbowl helmet guy riding in his 50’s convertible.

Wait a second, how did Crystal Skull guy get there? This is some place called San Pedro Island. When we saw Crystal Skull guy get his helmet out of a safe, it was in downtown Miami. Did he then rush like mad to the airport to catch a flight to this island in order to hook up with his gang of murderous pals?

Mike and the others take shelter in the building they were just in (the one with the jukebox and hanging corpse). As both groups stare at one another, Mike notes that he only has three rounds left in his gun, which is the only weapon the group has. Saunders figures that it was this group that sacked the town. Frank begins to spaz out (it was only a matter of time before somebody did) and claims that since they are human, the cosplayers will listen to reason. Yeah right. I’m sure all the dead people in this town tried to reason with them, too.

The wound angle is wrong, but he’s still dead.Sword to the head.Sword to the gut.Naturally, Frank heads outside to try and reason with the gang of morons. Mike tries to persuade him to get back inside, but Frank just makes the sign of the cross and walks forward. Mike and Washington close the doors. Everyone watches as Frank runs up to the motorcyclists and implores them to end the violence. At the signal from Crystal Skull Guy, two cycles roar in Frank’s direction. One swings a sword at Frank and hits him in the gut, while the other guy scores a head blow. Somehow still in one piece, Frank drops dead. Now a bunch of the cyclists start doing donuts in the street.

Mike ushers everyone upstairs. After driving in circles a few more times in the street below, the cosplayers start firing weapons at the building. One guy shoots a flaming arrow into the place, which James puts out before the place can go up in flames with them inside. Another guy lobs a grenade into the building, which Cathy spots. She calls out to Mike. He looks, sees the grenade, dives for it, fumbles with it and then throws it back out the window, where it detonates amidst their attackers. With the amount of time it took him to pick it up, I’m surprised it didn’t go off right in his face.

Mike decides that they need to find a more secure location. James offers to scout around and find a way out. He heads back downstairs and out the front door. Upstairs, seeing that the cosplayers or “weirdos” as Bill describes them, are getting ready to regroup, Mike leads the others downstairs and outside.

Apparently, James didn’t get very far, for now we see him being pulled behind two motorcycles, an arm chained to each one. So much for him scouting a way out! I think he got his ass caught in record time. Seeing this, Mike leads the others out the back window. Now down to just Mike, Washington, Professor Saunders, Doctor Cathy Rollins and pilot Bill Cook, the group hauls ass down the suburban streets. Whose house should they come across? Why it’s that couple, George and Mary. The latter is still flopped out on the sidewalk where she fell after getting that blow dart in the neck. George has been hogtied and placed on the hood of his car. His appendages also look like they encountered a few sharp objects before he died.

The sounds of motors in the distance draws everyone attention. Mike and Washington have an idea. They run over to a large electrical transformer sitting on the sidewalk and grab a large spool of wire set on top. Wait a minute! An electrical transformer…on the sidewalk!? Is this town serviced by the worst electric company in history or what? Why leave these things on the sidewalk for any fool to run into? I can only assume is that it fell from the top of a utility pole during the earlier rampage of the weirdo cosplayers.

So Mike and Washington loop the wire around a tree and then pull it taut across the street, securing the other end to another tree. Long about now the weirdo cosplayers arrive at the end of the street. They stop, view the area and then Crystal Skull gives the signal and two cyclists roar down the street. The one in the lead fails to see the wire and is decapitated. The second one is able to stop in time to avoid losing his head. Back in his convertible, Crystal Skull gives the signal again and the whole group now rushes forward. Mike shoots one guy on a cycle, but then he and the others run. More cyclists arrive and remove the wire so that Crystal Skull can get his car down the street.

The group runs on and arrives in section of town that is still on fire. They take refuge in what is left of a drug store (that's what the crumbling sign says), but inside it resembles a warehouse. They look to see if there is anything useful, but the place seems to be full of nothing but wooden shipping pallets and empty drums. Then Washington opens a crate and finds…brand new rifles! How convenient! There’s even some ammunition for the rifles! With all the men armed with their new weapons, Mike hands his handgun to Cathy (I think there are two shots left). She doesn’t want to take it at first, but eventually accepts it.

The weirdo cosplayers have arrived outside and we see that night has fallen. That was fast! It was still daylight just a couple of minutes ago when the group ran into the warehouse. At another silent signal from Crystal Skull, the army of morons begins to lay siege to the warehouse. The group fights back with their new guns as well as with Molotov cocktails (there was a case of liquor bottles in the warehouse, too). Cathy manages to shoot one attacker before he can kill Mike. I must say, the sheer amount of ordnance expended during this segment of the movie must have rivaled one of the world wars.

After the initial attack of the Weirdos is repulsed, the group takes further stock of their surroundings. Saunders manages to get the lights working and while reconnoitering, Mike discovers three people hiding in one part of the building. These three are Larry, Barbara and Liza. They were on their way to a cocktail party when all hell broke loose and they have been hiding in their current location ever since. They describe the monstrous actions of the attackers as they began killing everyone they encountered, showing no pity. They also reveal that the Cosplayer Weirdos refer to themselves as “Interceptors,” though no one knows why. Sharing information, Saunders realizes the attacks began the day before at the exact time the platform was destroyed and that strange island rose out of the sea.

Going on that last bit of information, we must surmise that of these cosplay weirdos…er…Interceptors, are not actually from Atlantis if these attacks began at the exact same time the island rose from the sea. We even saw Crystal Skull guy getting his fishbowl out of storage before anything even went south. So these must all be everyday folks who have some connection to Atlantis much like Manuel did. What is that connection? The movie does not explain this. I can only guess that they are descended from Atlantis exiles or survivors or something. All I know is that this is an awful lot of people to have been living a normal life and then suddenly go bonkers, dress up in shitty costumes and start murdering everyone in sight. How did any of these people even know the time had come to rise up and fight in the name of Atlantis?

In case of persecution, break glass.Elsewhere, Cathy is using the time to study the tablet again, saying that work relaxes her. I don’t think she’s going to get much chance to relax as the Cosplay Weirdos…er…the Interceptors have regrouped and are slowly approaching the building. Crystal Skull must have a loudspeaker built into his costume, cuz he launches into a speech which everyone can hear from a block away.

"We have come back. Back to the world that has always been ours. You have no place in it. You cannot defend yourselves. Our civilization does not accept intruders. We have returned to re-establish our presence. You have violated our world and therefore you must be punished. All of you will be executed. All of you except one."

Mike realizes the “one” he is referring to is Cathy. Just like Manuel had said earlier, these guys are back for her. Why? I guess we have to hang on before we can find out. In the meantime, I have a question…how do these guys know that Cathy is the person they want? From the beginning, when Manuel went batshit, he was muttering about how “they” were going to take Cathy. How did he know this? He wasn’t in contact with the Interceptors at this point, yet somehow he knew this. Was it just because she is an attractive woman? Are the Interceptors only interested in hot chicks? That makes sense, but I don’t think that is the reason they want her. Whatever it is, I don’t see how Manuel knew it at that earlier point of the film.

So the Cosplay Weirdos…er…the Interceptors launch another attack. Once again more shots are fired than in the entirety of the civil war. Despite their superior numbers, the Interceptors are getting their asses kicked, with one after the other getting shot or blown up. Eventually one armed with a flame thrower manages to breach the building and reduce Liza to a smoldering corpse before being shot dead. Another Interceptor with a crossbow fires a couple of bolts that release poison gas, forcing the group to retreat to the other side of the building, where they use drums to hastily erect a barricade. I hope for their sakes that those drums didn’t hold gasoline, cuz even if they are empty, the vapors within are enough to ruin their day if it ignites.

The Interceptors charge their hiding spot, armed with guns, knives and even swords. One fires an arrow with a bow that pierces a screaming Barbara through the mouth, shutting her up real quick. As the men engage in hand to hand combat, Cathy backs away and is captured by some Interceptors. All the men except for Larry run after her. He just falls to the floor, crying not to be left alone. The poor guy. He had been hiding with two women. Now both of them are dead and his prospects at getting laid just dropped to zero. Mike and Washington decide to follow the Interceptors while Bill and Saunders stay with Larry.

Mike salvages a motorcycle and heads off down the street. Suddenly it is daylight again. That was an awfully short night! So anyway, Mike heads off and is driving around the ruins of town. At one point he stops, gets off and continues to look around on foot. An Interceptor tries to surprise him and take him out with a heavy section of pipe. They fight and when the envelope with the fifty G’s given to him by the Colonel falls out and hits the ground, Mike goes to pick it up. His opponent stops and realizes Mike is not one of the attackers as he is not an Interceptor either. He’s just Klaus Nemnez (no, not numbnuts), a guy who escaped from the local jail when all hell broke loose.

Mike, Washington and Klaus return to their hiding spot where Saunders has been going over Cathy’s notes. It seems she had finished the translation on the tablet’s inscriptions. It explains how the kingdom of Atlantis was destroyed by civil war and those that survived lost the secrets of science. The island that rose from the sea earlier is Atlantis, powered by the radiation from the Russian submarine. Saunders still doesn’t know why they kidnapped Cathy. Mike asks if Saunders can locate the island, to which the professor answers in the affirmative. Klaus mentions that there is a helicopter that they can take. The others aren’t thrilled about heading to this island, but follow Mike anyway.

The next thing we see is the group heading down the highway in a bus, obviously salvaged from somewhere. Mike makes a comment about the local cops being very well armed and seeing as how everyone seems to be sporting upgraded weapons, I can only assume the bus and said weapons were salvaged from whatever was left of the police headquarters. As they head down the road, a helicopter comes up behind them.

The chopper is piloted by the Interceptors, two of which jump down onto the roof of the bus when the chopper gets low enough. Mike aims his assault weapon at the roof and fires. One Interceptor is hit and falls off the bus. The other leans over the side and aims his gun inside. He fires and poor Larry is hit right between the eyes. Saunders then takes out the second assailant with a well-placed shot.

The helicopter closes in again and a third guy jumps down onto the bus. He tries to enter through the rear window but is blown away by Mike and his assault weapon. Again the chopper drops low, disgorging a fourth guy onto the bus. Seriously, how many guys are in that thing? It’s like a clown car, the morons just keeping coming! Anyway, this guy runs to the front of the bus, jumps onto the hood and aims his gun at Washington, who is driving. Washington just swerves the bus quickly to the left and the guy is thrown off. Before he can pick himself up and aim his gun at the bus, Bill shoots him dead. Having had enough of this helicopter and its seemingly endless supply of goons, Mike and Klaus climb up onto the roof of the bus, aim at the chopper and fire away. KABOOM! The chopper explodes.

Dabney Coleman?Things seem okay until they near the beach, then they spot all the Interceptors standing about, waiting for them. I’ve got to say, some of these guys are not in the best of shape. Despite the face paint, studded leather and nasty-looking weapons, it’s hard to strike terror into people when you’re pasty white with flabby arms and sporting a sizable beer belly.

So Washington drives the bus right into the middle of the Interceptors, everyone else firing wildly out the windows. The bus barely clips two cars parked in the way and both vehicles instantly explode. Hmmm…they didn’t look like Pintos. The bus comes to a stop at a pier. At the end of the pier is a helicopter. Everyone jumps out and runs for the chopper (Git to da choppa!), firing at the approaching Interceptors as they haul ass.

Bill, Saunders, Klaus and Washington get to the chopper and Bill fires up the engine. Mike is still a ways off, holding off all the Interceptors with his gun. In one funny shot, three dance around madly as the sounds of automatic gunfire is dubbed into the movie. I guess they’re supposes to be getting sprayed with a literal shower of bullets, yet I never saw a single point of impact on any of them. No blood spattering, not even any torn clothes. Then again, it’s been this way through the entire movie up until now, so why change things.

A couple Interceptors on motorcycles come racing onto the pier and drive right off into the water. I don’t know if they were shot and lost control of their bikes or they just drove into the water on purpose…which it totally looked like they did. With the chopper now lifting off, Mike climbs up on the roof of the bus and takes out a number of assailants with his gun, then he jumps up and the others pull him into the chopper.

The gang now head for the location of the platform, or at least, where the platform used to be, as that is where the island of Atlantis rose up earlier. Soon enough, they spot the island. As they get closer, there is an odd high-pitched humming sound and the chopper is buffeted. Bill announces that the island is pulling them in. So, just like the Death Star, Atlantis has a tractor beam. They get closer and Klaus remarks that all he sees are trees, as there is no sign of an advanced civilization. Bill manages to put the chopper down on the beach, near a small lagoon.

They open the doors and everyone hits the ground running. They’ve barely gone a dozen yards when Interceptors appear out of the trees on the far side of the lagoon. As usual, the marksmanship of the heroes is about ten times better than the Atlantians. None of the group is killed, yet four bad guys are blown away.

They move further down the beach where Bill has spotted something. It’s the Russian sub, half buried in the sand. There is some talk of neutralizing the radiation in the the nuclear weapons on the sub (how exactly this is to be accomplished is not explained). Mike hopes that if the radiation is neutralized, Atlantis will sink back beneath the waves for good. Saunders stays at the sub to work on the missiles. Bill and Washington stay with him while Mike and Klaus head off to look for Cathy.

Speaking of Cathy, the Atlantians have in her in a funky room (with a door that has the same inscriptions as the tablet), guarded by Crystal Skull. Cathy has been given a new wardrobe, a new hairstyle and has had pancake makeup applied to her face. She looks like a fifth-rate geisha. A voice says that only she can make it possible for them to return to the world they “belong to.” She says it can be done, but at great danger. The voice says that she has deciphered the tablet of knowledge and that she knows the key to their creation and how it must be used. “Only for good,” she says a number of times. Huh? WTF is going on? I’m lost.

Speaking of lost, Mike and Klaus are stomping through the jungle, blowing away Atlantians as they go. It seems to be getting dark, as the producers are now using day-for-night photography to convey the fall of night. At the sub, Saunders hasn’t even gotten himself inside to even look at the missiles, let alone figure out how to use them. What is he waiting for? Bill prods him, telling to see if there is any of that good Russian vodka on board.

In the jungle, an Atlantian falls for a complicated booby trap set up by Mike and Klaus, ending up impaled on a bunch of bamboo. When in the hell did Mike and Klaus have time to rig that up? Seriously, they would have to cut down all that bamboo, sharpen numerous bits into stakes and then lash it all together with twine that they found somewhere, then set up the weights and trips wires to the whole thing. It would have taken hours!

At the sub, Professor Saunders manages to get inside and crawl around, running into the decayed corpses of the crew. Elsewhere, Mike and Klaus continue through the jungle, taking out Atlantians as they go. Suddenly, BOOM! It’s daylight again! As they progress through the foliage, who should they spot, but James! Last time we saw him, he was being pulled behind two Interceptor motorcycles, an arm chained to each one. I thought for sure they were going to use him as a wishbone, but here he is in one piece. He even has a rifle!

On the ground is the satchel that belonged to Cathy and inside is the tablet that is being manhandled something fierce in this movie, but just won’t break. Mike picks it up and there is an odd electronic whistling sound. He figures the tablet is telling them which way to go. How or why he draws a correlation between the tablet’s odd sounds and the location of Cathy is beyond me.

“Damn it, this is the last time I try streaming a movie from this crappy website.”Speaking of Cathy, we return to her in that white room. The disembodied voice is showing her different symbols and asking about the correct order for them to enable their return. She tells them what the proper order is and is then asked if she will accompany them, as she will be treated as queen. Well, what female is going to refuse that? I have no idea what is going on and at this point in the film I don’t think anyone behind the camera knew either. It feels like shit is just being tossed together in order to get everything done and over with.

Saunders is still crawling through the Russian sub. I’ve got to say, for a vessel that is mostly buried in the earth and with minimal windows to begin with, it sure is bright in there. Either the sub has a nuclear reactor which is still powering the lights or the Russians make one hell of a lithium battery. Saunders locates the missile tubes.

Outside, Bill and Washington are talking about how it seems too quiet. Suddenly a screaming Atlantian comes flying up from under the water of a nearby creek, machete raised. How in the hell did that guy get there? Did he climb into the water downstream, hold his breath and then make his way up to a point where he could jump out and surprise them? Anyway, he gets shot by Bill before he can chop Washington with his machete. More Atlantians appear and more shots are fired. At one point, Bill sees an Atlantian in the distance and lines up his rifle to take a shot. He fails to hear or see the Atlantian behind him, who casually appears, raises a pistol and shoots him in the upper back. As he falls, Bill spins around and sprays his killer with bullets. He is able to take out a couple more bad guys before stumbling along a few feet and then collapsing.

Washington runs over to Bill, but the pilot is gone. Washington screams a lot in anger, directed at Bill for leaving him alone and at the Atlantians for being the assholes that killed him. He fires his gun off, hitting one dork who was up on a cliff. I swear, these guns never run out of rounds. These guys have fired off at least a hundred rounds each, but I still have not seen anyone swap out a magazine.

In the jungle, Mike and Klaus are following the strange sound the tablet is emitting. If this was a movie about acid trips from the early 70’s, that sound would be right at home. The sound leads them to a cave entrance. They seem surprised that no one is guarding it. Now, comes a moment that truly illustrates just how craptacular the Atlantians are at shooting and hitting a target. A pair of them come up behind Mike and Klaus and take them completely unaware, firing at point blank range. Seriously, the first inkling either Mike or Klaus has that these idiots are there is the sound of automatic gunfire from behind them and the bullets ricocheting off the rock directly in front of them. Naturally, they are not so much as grazed by the hail of bullets. They quickly spin around and fire back. Of course, their aim is much better and the two Atlantians are turned into Swiss cheese.

A couple more Atlantians appear and are shot dead. Klaus rests against a rock while Mike surveys the area. Klaus takes out an envelope that has the fifty thousand bucks that Mike got paid from the Colonel at the beginning of this mess. Klaus says he wants to give it back and hands it over. Mike wonders how he got it. Klaus says it is an interesting story and he’ll have to tell it to him some time. With that, Klaus keels over dead, a bullet hole in his back. I suppose those Atlantians were slightly better at shooting than I gave them credit for.

We return to the submarine, where Saunders emerges and tells Washington that he has neutralized the warheads. The professor looks up towards the hill and sees James, who promptly aims his gun at Saunders and pulls the trigger. Hit in the head, Saunders’ body falls back into the sub while Washington shoots James. Boy, they are really dropping like flies now.

 

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

 

We return to Mike, who has entered the cave located earlier. He finds the big door with the same inscriptions as the tablet. He approaches when suddenly there is a yell. He turns and sees Crystal Skull, who is oddly backlit for some reason (it looks like a freakin’ music video) and is waving a whip around like some sort of Indiana Jones wannabe. Mike goes to fire his gun, but holy shit! The magazine is empty! How convenient that it runs out of bullets right now. You know what this necessitates, right? Yep, hand to hand combat!

Ever had one of those headaches that felt like shards of glass piercing your skull? Well…So Mike and Crystal Skull fight it out and while they’re jumping around, pushing and shoving and all that, I can’t help but think that Crystal Skull’s outfit just makes him resemble some cheap S & M enthusiast with a fish bowl on his head. In the end, Mike uses the butt of his rifle to shatter the Crystal Skull helmet, which causes shards to become embedded in the bad guy’s face. Ouch. I guess he also dies from these lacerations as he suddenly vanishes from the film.

The door with the engravings opens with an electronic whine and tossing his now useless rifle to the side, Mike removes the tablet from the satchel and passes through the doorway. In the adjacent chamber there is a stone dais that has a raised portion shaped like a human head. The eyes glow red and suddenly they start shooting lasers (or some other kind of beam weapon) at Mike, who barely manages to dodge out of the way. He tries to crawl along the floor, but more lasers are being fired from the ceiling and just as he is about to get flash fried, a hand reaches out and pulls him out of the way.

It’s Washington! Wait a second! How in the hell did he get there so damn fast? A minute ago he was on the beach near the submarine. Now he’s here? He made that trek through the jungle and the caves in record time! I wonder how he even knew in which direction to go? Oh, I know! He followed the trail of dead Atlantians that Mike and Klaus left in their wake. Washington shoots the stone head that is emitting the laser bolts. The lasers stop and the stone falls away to reveal the machinery underneath. A door at the far end of the room also slides open. The pair run forward.

They find themselves in a maze of corridors. Out of nowhere a wind comes rushing down the corridor, blowing them towards the far end, where what looks like a multi-bladed fan is set in the wall and spinning like mad. They fight to keep from being pushed into this contraption and only evade death when Washington shoots the thing. They take cover from the wind in an alcove with a door. The door opens, revealing a futuristic room with a lot of white paneling. There is a shiny chrome table in the center and behind it stands Cathy, sporting her new threads, make-up and hairdo.

Mike calls to her but in reply there is a flash of light and the pair suddenly find themselves immobilized and unable to move. Several of the white panels in the room turn into view screens, showing blurry images of Atlantians. Cathy’s voice is now heard, though I didn’t see her lips move. “Mike, they’re coming back,” she says. Mike asks who “they” are and she says “the descendants of Atlantis. They used me to re-discover the secrets of their existence.” Mike says that if she knows these secrets, she needs to use them to stop the Atlantians. He implores her to do this.

She manipulates some dials on the table and the tablet zooms out of Mike’s hands to rest in a recessed section of the table. Cathy fades from view. The wind stops and the machinery ceases to operate. Cathy’s image now appears on all the screens. She calls to Mike for help. She also tells him that the “dome is closing.” Not ones to waste time, Mike and Washington haul ass. They emerge from the cave and look into the sky. Sure as shit, the big clear dome that covered the island is beginning to close.

Somebody’s eating hot Italian tonight…and I don’t mean at Olive Garden.Mike and Washington now run for the chopper, neither of them holding a weapon any more (I guess Washington finally ran out of rounds). They climb in the chopper and find Cathy sitting in the back seat, looking normal. A bit catatonic, mind you, but no longer sporting the upgraded clothes, make-up and hairstyle. With no more time to waste, they fire up the chopper, Mike having to remember what to do in order to get them airborne. They ascend and just barely pass between the two sections of the dome as it closes back together over the island. With that the island of Atlantis sinks back beneath the waves.

With Atlantis gone, Cathy seems to be back to normal. She asks Mike if he is now going to ask her out to that spinach dinner. Then she starts laying kisses all over him. WTF? Where did that come from? There was no indication given earlier that she was attracted to him. Plus, there is about a twenty year age difference (going by actor ages). What does she see in him, other than the 50 G’s in his pocket? Disgusted by the display of affection, Washington implores them to wait until they’ve landed.

“We’ll make it,” Mike says. “We’ll make it, Wash.”

Freeze frame. Cue disco music. Roll credits. Seek alcohol.

 

Shadow's Thoughts

Where do I even begin with this movie? At first glance, it seems like a real mess and in truth, it is a real mess. There are continuity issues galore, leaps in logic wider than the grand canyon, plot holes big enough to swallow the Titanic, special FX that are not very special, costuming that looks like it was procured at a flea market, dubious dubbing (yay for alliteration) and a script that doesn’t know if it wants to be an action movie, a horror movie or a science fiction movie. Plus it’s an Italian made movie heralding from a time when most Italian genre films were of questionable quality (more alliteration!). In total, you’ve got all the ingredients for a true crapfest of epic proportions. Yet…despite all these things going against it, there is a good time to be had with this film.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a good movie. It is not a well-made movie, either. However, what it is, is an entertaining movie and that is the one key ingredient that can supersede all the negatives in the mix. The film has an energy and style to it that overcomes the bad elements and elevates it to cult status…at least for those of us who love such films. Your average movie watching joe who enjoys mainstream material will probably find this movie to be a joke. But to those who have cultivated a taste for the bizarre and can find the good in a bad film, this movie is right up your alley.

I think one of the main components that help draw the viewer in is the great character dynamics that the movie sets up early on in the proceedings. From the beginning we see that the duo of Mike and Washington are a couple of hardened mercenaries who engage in some rather dirty work. However, it isn’t too long before we see that neither of them is so hard that they have lost their humanity. Each easily trusts the other and there is an implied history between them that suggests that they will always have each other’s backs. Once bad things start to happen, the pair do not hesitate to help others and go out of their way to make things right. They are exactly the type of people you want on your side when civilization circles the bowl for the last time on its way down the toilet.

Sadly, almost every other character doesn’t get the same depth as Mike and Washington. They all adhere pretty close to the basic outline for their character. To tell you the truth, Mike and Washington were not all that fleshed out, either. I guess they just felt like there was more to them because the movie focused on them and also because they were the only members of the main cast that spoke English as a first language. The dubbing for all the others is pretty obvious and as is often the case in movies like this, the voice actors can only do so much. Pairing the often stilted and sedate voiceover work with the performances of the actors makes for a strange experience. Neither can work without the other, yet neither can function on its own. It makes all the dubbed characters seem just a little bit less real than the others.

Speaking of unreal, let’s discuss the Atlantians or “Interceptors” as they deem themselves. In a word, these guys are idiots. Aside from Crystal Skull, who we see in a suit and tie, removing his skull helmet from a safe in Miami, we are never shown the origins for the rest of the Interceptors. Did they come from Atlantis after it rose from the sea or were they like Crystal Skull and living amongst the rest of us? Given the time table for the attacks – Professor Saunders concludes the attacks from the Interceptors began at the same time Atlantis emerged from the sea – I’d venture to say that all of these guys were descendants of Atlantians and were just living normal lives, biding their time until they could take back the surface world as theirs. There is just one problem with this idea and it is summed up again in the one word used to describe the Interceptors: idiocy.

How can anyone even begin to think that you can conquer even a small portion of the world when all you have is a small army of motorcycle riding hoodlums that are armed with antiquated weapons and oversized cutlery? I think the only reason the Interceptors met with the success they did was because they chose to attack a smaller island population and had the element of surprise on their side. What did they expect to do after that? Did they really think that they were going to storm the shores of Florida like it was Normandy and sweep aside all resistance? I’d like to inquire into the quality of crack they were smoking, because it was obviously some high grade stuff. Within a few hours of landfall, the U.S. armed forces would have blown all their asses back into the Stone Age. It really was a poor plan for conquest. Now, if they were going to use advanced Atlantian technology to accomplish this, it would have made more sense, but the film never comes right and says that this is what they plan to do. We can only speculate, given what we can glean from the dialog we hear.

There are many other things about this film that can severely criticized. The FX are terrible. The miniature work is bad and any optical effects look like crap. The gunfights are energetic and frenetic, but it soon becomes apparent that all the sounds of gunfire is dubbed in and after seeing an Atlantian dance around pretending to be struck with multiple rounds for the tenth time, yet seeing no sign of said impacts, it becomes a little silly. There’s also the fact that the Atlantians are as almost bad shots as Imperial Stormtroopers. They hardly ever hit their target while the heroes somehow manage to drop them like flies despite being vastly outnumbered. Then there’s the fact that the Philippines are blatantly standing in for the Caribbean and not doing the best job. Not only is the scenery different, but so many of the extras are obviously not Caribbean in appearance.

Yet, despite everything that is wrong with this movie, it is still has a sense of fun about it. The theme song, “Black Inferno” is one of the better songs from “Oliver Onions” for the era and ends up fitting well with the movie. The pace of the film is fast, constantly moving the characters from one situation to another, which gives the audience little time to overly scrutinize many of the plot holes. My biggest complaint is that I wish the movie had a slightly more definitive ending. We end with three characters in a helicopter and I would have liked to have been shown them returning to the mainland. Still, with everything else the movie squeezes in, that’s something that can be easily overlooked. If there was a crime committed in the making of this film, it was not featuring actress Gioia Scola more prominently. Sure, she played a vital role, but compared to so many others, she was hardly in the film. What a wasted opportunity! The woman was totally gorgeous and they barely used her at all.

In the end, I would recommend this film to lovers of cult/bad filmmaking. It isn’t good, but it certainly is not total crap. I would call it entertaining cheese.

 

Expect To See:
Action – There is enough action in this movie for about three others. Note that I didn’t say that those three movies would be good. Still it’s the idea that counts and once this movie gets going, it doesn’t stop for shit!
Crazed Killers – There is no doubt about it, the murdering Atlantians are crazy. Why else would they wage war on the surface world armed only with motorcycles, 50’s sedans and weapons obviously procured from the WWII surplus store?
Extreme Violence – There are a lot of people killed in this movie. Many of them make their exit in very violent and brutal ways. While there is no gore, there are still enough deaths via sharp objects and enough blood to warrant this icon.
Gunplay – Holy crap. The only other time I saw a movie with more gunfire was a war movie. People shoot guns constantly in this movie once the action starts. Any more of it and I would have thought I was in Oakland for a Raiders game.
Hotrods – There is not much to warrant this icon, but the old 50’s era Ford or Chevy that Crystal Skull rides around in qualifies. I just wanna know how many of those spinning blades and spikes were standard features and how many were aftermarket add-ons?
Jungle Hijinks – Towards the end, when the group makes its way to Atlantis itself, there is a lot of running around in the jungle shooting guns, setting booby traps, shooting guns, fighting, shooting guns, bleeding, shooting guns, dying and of course…shooting guns.
Ocean Hijinks – For the first third of the movie there is a lot of action on the ocean, whether it be on old oiling rigs, small boats or even life rafts. There’s even a storm and a tidal wave to make things really interesting.
Science – I hesitate to use this one, as the “science” in this film is about legit as a twelve dollar bill. There is some talk about radiation and how it causes Atlantis to rise but it’s a McGuffin just to get the meager plotline moving.
Swords – Many of the Atlantians carry around large pieces of cutlery. Several of them wave them about in the air on occasion. A few of them even attack with said weapons. A small few actually manage to hit someone with their prop swords. Underground Hijinks – At the very end of the film, once the characters are on the island of Atlantis, there is some running around in caves and a subterranean installation. Not anywhere near as exciting as it sounds…and it sounds dull.

 

Movie Stats:
Shadow's Commentary:

Alcoholic drinks consumed: 4
Alcoholic drinks consumed by Shadow after movie was over: 1
Cups of coffee consumed: 2
Smokes: 0
Deaths: 101
People on fire: 3
Dead bodies encountered by heroes: 7
Total gunshots fired: I stopped counting at 500
Flare guns fired: 1
Explosions: 28
Types of helicopters seen: 3
Tidal waves: 1
Times Washington tells people to call him Mohammed: 4
Times Klaus has a story he promises to tell later: 2
Stories Klaus tells before he dies: 0
Percentage of deaths comprised of Atlantians: 80.19%
Cast members (of 14 shown above) whose native language is English: 4
Cast members (of 14 shown above) whose native language is not English: 10

02 Min – How they could not see those two coming is beyond me.
05 Min – The Colonel? I wonder if he owns a fast food franchise.
10 Min – Director cameo alert!
22 Min – Yes, be sure to ration the beer supply.
26 Min – Why is that moron the only one walking around without shoes on?
29 Min – Spring-loaded…horse.
30 Min – Did he trip while walking through the doorway?
33 Min – Worst Mad Max cosplayers. EVER.
34 Min – Frank gets furrowed.
41 Min – A crate of brand new rifles. How convenient.
48 Min – Threatening speech from Crystal Skull.
53 Min – That’s one way to shut her up.
55 Min – It’s daylight already?
61 Min – How many guys are in that damn helicopter?
62 Min – Funny, they didn’t look like Pintos.
72 Min – WTF? I have no idea what is going on anymore.
83 Min – Looks like someone cranked the AC.
90 Min – That’s it, I need a drink.


Shadow's Drinking Game: Any time one of the "good guys" (non Atlantian) dies, do a shot. Things will start slow, but you'll be hammered by the end.

 

Images Click for larger image

The Love Boat, soon will be
making another run…




“Okay, take a deep breath and blow.”

“Sir, readings indicate that we just
ran out of plot!”

 
This shot is giving me
flashbacks to Megalodon.

“As far as we can tell, it’s an
ancient recipe for lemon meringue pie.”



“Idiot! I told you that OS wasn’t
compatible with our hardware!”


 
Oh, Danny and Kenickie, what
have you done to her?

 
Bigger boat? They’re going to need
a bigger budget for this film.

Hanging around the bar all night
has a different meaning in this town.



"The Raiders won, the Raiders won!”

Sal’s low cost haunted house
failed to attract visitors at Halloween.

It’s nice to see Tonto getting work
after that Lone Ranger film bombed.


“Just a little off the top, plea…GAH!”

Some chefs get a little testy when
asked to reheat something.



How convenient that they left a gap
big enough for the bus to plow through.

Way to impede your marksmanship
with that crappy mask.


Ricky’s cliff diving career came to a
tragic end after horribly mistiming the tide.

“These weekend warrior hunting trips
are getting a bit boring. I don’t think
we’re ever going to bag a Sasquatch.”

“Okay, you win the bet. The script
really was supposed to end this way.”

“Welcome to Ikea.”

 

Immortal Dialog

After rescuing the survivors of the platform destruction, the guys discuss their course.

Bill: “Well, if you ask me, we’re heading around in circles.”
Washington: “What’s wrong with circles?”

Shadow’s Comment: Nothing, if what you want is to run out of fuel and drift around until you succumb to dehydration and starvation. Idiot.


Barbara Stoddard describes the Interceptors’ rampage.

Barbara: “I teach school. It was horrible. No pity, no emotion, just hatred.”

Shadow’s Comment: Yep, that sounds like kindergarten, all right.


The Interceptor’s leader makes his plan for the heroes known.

Crystal Skull: “You have violated our world and therefore you must be punished. All of you will be executed. All of you except one."
Bill: “He means me. We hit it off right away.”

Shadow’s Comment: I’d hate to what would have happened if you got off on the wrong foot.

 

Keep In Mind
  • It’s easier to transport abductees through second story windows than ground floor doors.
  • It’s possible to not see inhabited islands until you’ve run into them with your boat.
  • It won’t be cockroaches, but horses that will survive the apocalypse.
  • In any group of people there is always one who has to play the peacemaker…with deadly results.
  • Atlantian voices have a weird reverb sound when they die.
  • Drug stores routinely stock hunting rifles.
  • Evil armies that overrun entire populations are easily thwarted by half a dozen guys with guns.
  • Wearing a cumbersome mask will hinder your marksmanship skills…and your continued survival.
  • Elaborate booby traps can be fabricated in a number of minutes.
  • Radiation is easily neutralized by a single person with no protective gear and no tools.
  • A few brief lessons is adequate training in order to pilot a helicopter.
     

 

This Film & Me

This is another movie that I had never heard of until just a few years ago. I had purchased the Sci fi Invasion 50 film box set from Mill Creek Entertainment, who seem to specialize in such products (indeed, I have numerous sets from them). As is often the case with such DVD sets, I don’t always watch the movies immediately after buying them. I usually wait until a time comes when I am in dire need of several movies on one disc. This usually occurs when I am ill and confined to bed. At that time, having a single disc with four movies on it seems like a really neat idea. Then again, so did the Sauna Pants, I’m sure. So in many cases, my first exposure to some of the “gems” of the b-movie world is when I am running a fever and doped up on medication. In retrospect, watching crappy movies during this time might not be the wisest thing to do. I am still dealing with the mental scars imparted to me by One Million AC/DC, which I viewed under these exact circumstances. Indeed, after viewing The Raiders of Atlantis, I turned to another movie on that same disc, Robo Vampire and to this day have nightmares about hopping Asian vampires, but for all the wrong reasons. Anyway, it was during one such sick day that I viewed The Raiders of Atlantis for the first time and I have to say, it was quite the experience. I loved it for the glorious mess it is. This is the exact type of movie you show to your friends who are only vaguely acquainted with b-movies. The film is goofy enough to laugh at, yet interesting enough to keep you watching until the end. Who could ask for more?

Shadow's rating: Five Tombstones



The Good

  • Fast pace
  • Gioia Scola - what a total babe
  • Great sense of fun

The Bad

  • Bad dubbing
  • Poor continuity
  • Hundreds of rounds fired, not one squib seen

The Ugly

  • Atlantians look like 3rd rate Mad Max cosplayers
  • FX are shit
  • Atlantians are all morons

 

 

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