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Shadow's Title: "Here's Mud in Your Eye...and Your Ear...and Your Large Intestine...and.."

Tagline 1: It Kills But Cannot Be Killed!
Tagline 2: It rises from 2000 miles beneath the earth to melt everything in it’s path.
Tagline 3: Machine Gun Bullets! Dynamite! Flame Throwers! Nothing Can Stop It!

Alternate Titles: None Found

Review Date: 3/20/05
Content Guide:

Dr. Adam Royston – An American physicist working in Scotland. The film never explains why he is working overseas. Was he kicked out of the U.S. for his power mad attempts at seizing control of atomic weapons, or did he just like it better in Scotland? He is the “hero” of the film in that he is the first who realizes what they are dealing with and also comes up with a way to destroy it. In a way, that is almost insulting to people of the U.K. – that they needed American smarts to save their asses. Played by Dean Jagger (On the Threshold of Space, Alligator).

Inspector McGill – He works for the internal security division of the United Kingdom Atomic Energy Commission, which must make for some awfully small print on his business cards. He comes to investigate the initial theft from Royston’s lab and the burning of Willie Harding that seems linked to it. Unlike some others, he seems to trust Royston’s judgment and opinions and always seems ready to believe him and back him up. Without his insistence on taking action, X might still be on the loose. Played by Leo McKern (Rumpole of the Bailey, The Omen, Ladyhawke).

Peter Elliot – He is an administrator at a facility run by the Atomic Energy Establishment, but he wants to be a scientist in the worst way. Why, I have no idea as not one single scientist in the film was shown with a hot chick at his side (the smooching doctor and nurse do NOT count). In fact, there were no hot chicks whatsoever in this film. Indeed, there were hardly any women in the film. Anyway, Pete here likes to help out Royston, who encourages his interest in science, much to the chagrin of Peter’s father.

John Elliot – This old grump is Peter’s father and he is the director of the facility where the younger Elliot and Royston work. He likes to yell at Royston for letting Peter help with the scientific work rather than remain a pencil pusher. He also is the requisite doubting Thomas and adamantly disagrees with Royston’s analysis of the situation. In fact, even after he is proven to be quite wrong, he is still a pain in the ass who wants to do nothing but pass the buck.

Major Cartwright – The local military man. It was he and his men who were present when the fissure first opened, and it was he and his men who stupidly tried to kill X and cover the opening up. He bears the stereotypical military outlook – to solve any situation, just shoot something, but that doesn’t prevent him from being a great support to Royston when the doctor needs help.

Corporal “Spider” Webb – This guy is a soldier under Major Cartwright’s command. He and his buddy Haggis are shown at intermittent times to offset the seriousness with a little humor. Sadly, the humor falls somewhat flat, as these two clowns do nothing but moan about how hungry they are. Both end up as little puddles of sticky goo.

Haggis – This guy is a soldier under Major Cartwright’s command. He and his buddy Spider are shown at intermittent times to offset the seriousness with a little humor. Sadly, the humor falls somewhat flat, as these two clowns do nothing but moan about how hungry they are. Both end up as little puddles of sticky goo. Uh…why does that sound familiar?

Ian Osborne – A young boy who dares his friend Willie to sneak to an old local tower at night and see if some drunk known as Old Tom sleeps there. He is more fortunate than his pal and only gets a glimpse of X, rather than an up close and personal greeting. Played by a young Frazer Hines, who would go on to play Jamie McCrimmon on Doctor Who.

Willie Harding – Willie has a chance encounter with X on his way to spy on Old Tom and winds up getting a lethal radiation exposure, dying of burns the following day. Still, it could have been worse...he could have caught a glimpse of Old Tom sleeping one off in his underwear.

X the Unknown – The title critter. It is actually an intelligence from the center of the earth made up mostly of pure energy. It animates a big pile of mud and rolls around the countryside absorbing radioactive materials, growing larger with each meal…kinda like Star Jones.

"Cold…cold…cold…cold. Ice Cold. Ice cold. I SAID ICE COLD!!!!!"

“Jack-in-the-box? Nope. Its even better…it’s a Crack-in-the-box!”

We now are in Director Elliot’s office where he is reminding Royston that he is in charge and will decide what projects the Doctor will or will not pursue. He asks him to not waste his son Peter’s time. It seems Peter’s job is in administration and he only has scientific interests, rather than credentials. Royston has been nurturing those interests much to the chagrin of Elliot the elder. Then the Director mentions that the army has phoned in and is asking for an authority on radiation to help them out. Royston wants somebody else to go, as he is busy with his current project, but the Director makes him go.

Now we are back out in that muddy field where the army was playing with their Geiger counters. Royston is examining a patch of ground with one of said gizmos but notes to Major Cartwright that there is no radioactivity in the area any longer. Royston asks if there has been a mistake made, but the Major assures him that once he sees the men, he’ll no that no errors have been made.

They walk over to where the men are gathered, just as an ambulance arrives to pick up Lansing. The Major informs Royston that Lansing was nearest the explosion and only seemed a bit shaken up at first, but then some severe burns began to appear over his body. Another man who was closest to Lansing when all hell literally broke loose is also sporting some nasty looking burns that will no doubt adversely affect the poor sod’s sex life in years to come. The outline of the man’s rifle – slung over his shoulder at the time of the incident, can clearly be seen on his bare flesh. The injured men are quickly ushered away so they can get medical attention, while Royston enlists Cartwright’s aid in making plans for further equipment to be brought in. Haggis and Spider gossip a bit about Lansing’s sad state and the likelihood that they will not be getting back before breakfast now.

Night has now fallen and the equipment that Royston wanted is being assembled at the site, complete with floodlights to illuminate the muddy field. A group of men are grilling Major Cartwright on the events from earlier in the day. I don’t know whether these guys are reporters or just locals, but they are a mighty curious and somewhat paranoid lot, jumping to conclusions at the drop of a hat. While dispensing information to these clowns, Cartwright reveals that that poor bastard Lansing has died from his burns. A subordinate comes to tell him that Royston wants to speak with him and the Major makes his escape from the group of irate men, warning them as he leaves that if they don’t behave, he will have them removed from the area.

As Cartwright passes Haggis and Spider, the camera lingers on them long enough to hear them bitch and moan some more about the lack of food and how hungry they are getting. So far, we are sixteen minutes into the film and every single time these guys have been shown, they do nothing but whine and cry. It’s like being at a Democrat rally the day George W. Bush was re-elected.

Royston and his men, including scientist wannabe Peter, are examining the fissure in the earth when Major Cartwright approaches to speak with the good doctor. Royston explains to him that there is nothing more he can do this night and suggests posting a couple men (gee I wonder what two clowns might pull that duty…) over night to ensure that no fool inadvertently steps into the fissure. The Major thinks it might be better to just rope the area off and post some warning signs so that no one has to spend the night out there (I can almost here Haggis and Spider sighing in relief now). He asks Royston how deep the crack is and Royston replies by dropping a rock into the hole and saying, “no we haven’t,” when no sound is forthcoming after several seconds. It seems the operative range of the equipment Royston brought is limited and cannot tell them what they need to know. Royston bids the Major good night and heads off.

In the car on the way home, Peter talks to Royston about the fissure. The Doctor is puzzled by it, as the forces that usually cause the earth to split open do not burn people to death with radiation. He advises Peter to be cautious in his hypotheses and not to start conjuring up nameless horrors creeping around in the night. That last bit seems to provoke a reaction from the driver, who looks like he may have added more than just skid marks to his undergarments.

The car continues on it’s way and as it passes some bushes, two small boys emerge. These two are Willie and Ian, and in the grand tradition of young boys throughout all of history, they are up to no good. It seems that have concocted a plan where Willie will sneak through the darkened woods to some nearby tower and see if “Old Tom” really sleeps there. Who Old Tom may be is a mystery at this point, but Ian promises to wait for Willie for five minutes and then amends that to three minutes when some noise in the nearby woods scare him. So Willie crosses the road and slowly makes his way through the trees. After a while he can see the tower in the distance. He takes another step but gets his jacket snagged on some brush. He frees himself but now something else has caught his attention. Something in the trees a short distance away. A sound very much like the one a Geiger counter emits when registering the presence of radioactive crap can be heard and a point-of-view shot shows us that something is closing in on Willie through the woods. The boy quite naturally freaks out and commences to skedaddle quite furiously. He exits the woods doing about Mach 5 and Ian is puzzled by his behavior. Willie flies by him without a word and vanishes over a small rise. Ian looks in the direction from which Willie has emerged and catches sight of whatever is his friend saw. He decides that Willie has a really good idea when it comes to that “running like hell” thing and launches himself after his friend, calling for him to wait for him. Fade out.

The only thing worse than stumbling across a Sasquatch in the woods, is stumbling across two…if you catch my drift.

Now we see a nurse marching down a hospital corridor, carrying a bottle. She enters a room where Royston and a local medical doctor are examining young Willie, who is laid up in bed and looking like hell. The boy has first degree radiation burns, which is the reason the local medic has called for Royston. They talk with the boy’s parents, who are naturally quite upset, though they have no idea what has happened to their son. Royston tells them that he was burned and is trying to figure out what exactly burned him. Willie’s mother informs Royston that her son had the burns on his body that morning when she went to wake him. Royston asks where he might have been the night before but they don’t know – though they do know that Willie was out with Ian. If anyone knows what happened to Willie, Ian would be the one.

It must be Sunday because now we see people exiting a church. Young Ian is with two other boys, look for all the world like he could care less that his buddy Willie is stretched out in the hospital developing the Freddy Krueger look. As they are about to leave Ian is called over to speak to Royston, who asks him where he and Willie went the night before. Ian is reluctant to say anything as the two boys had sworn an oath, but Royston reminds him that Willie is very sick and would want Ian to do whatever he could to help him. So Ian reveals that they went to the tower in the marshes and that he had dared Willie to go to the tower. As he is speaking, the scene slowly fades out…

And into a car traveling down an isolated road. It comes to a stop and Royston emerges with a Geiger counter. He walks off into the woods and makes his way toward the tower that was Willie’s original destination from the previous night. He finds the door slightly ajar and proceeds to let himself inside. He makes his way up to a second level where he finds a rather Spartan living area, complete with homemade still. Passed out a nearby cot is “old Tom” himself. Royston shakes him awake and the first thing the old geezer does, after getting the obligatory wet cough out of the way, is to sip from his homemade brew. He offers some to Royston, who politely and sensibly refuses. Old Tom reaches for a cup on a nearby shelf and is at this moment that Royston sees a small jar among the assorted stuff occupying the small space. It is nearly identical to the small jar of radioactive crap that he was playing with the day before – you know, the one he was passing between miniature radar dishes via remote control? This jar is also strikingly similar to the one the army was playing with out in that muddy field. If I didn’t know better I’d think the movie was about possessed metal jars roaming the Scottish countryside, but at this point I’m gonna guess that the same jar was utilized by the producers on all three occasions. Talk about a versatile jar! I wonder if it won an award?

Anyway, Royston recognizes the jar as having come from his workshop and asks old Tom where he got it. The old guy drunkenly mutters something unintelligible and reaches for it, but knowing how radioactive it is Royston uses his cane to knock it away from Tom’s grasp. He hauls out his Geiger counter but there is no discernable reading.

Snowed in for weeks, it was when the urine drinking stage of their entrapment began that Adam came to the horrifying realization that Tom had already been sipping his for days.

Now we see Royston back in his lab, which is in a sorry state. The place is a mess, with the glass window that separated the two main chambers now in numerous pieces, and a visible scorching on a worktable. Peter comes in, having been called by Royston and has a look around. The lead box, which originally held the small jar, has been melted to near slag and is coated with an odd residue. Royston says it was also covering the jar when he found it at the tower. It seems all the damage was caused by someone who was solely interested in stealing that small jar. What is even more odd is that the material contained within the jar would normally take twenty-eight years before the radioactivity died away, but Royston has Peter use a Geiger counter to take a reading and show to him that it is now quite inert. The day before the material exhibited dangerous levels of radioactivity, but now…nada. The energy from that material has been drained away, and given that the windows were barred and the door locked when Royston returned, then whoever broke in must be most unusual.

Over in Director Elliot’s office, Inspector McGill has arrived to investigate the entire stolen jar affair. He represents the internal security division of the United Kingdom Atomic Energy Commission and Director Elliot thinks it is a waste of time, but McGill reminds him that when any type of crime is committed in relationship to the facility, the big wigs have to come snooping around and not just le the local police handle it. Elliot dismisses Royston’s claims about the material in the jar losing it’s radioactivity overnight, but McGill is adamant in wanting to speak with the American.

McGill goes looking for Royston and finally tracks him down in the facility’s commissary. McGill asks him if he knows how young Willie Harding was burned and Royston says it is possible he handled the stolen container. McGill admits that he has already spoken to old Tom in the tower and discovered that Willie was never anywhere near that container, so something else is responsible for burning him. McGill wants Royston’s help in discovering exactly what that may be.

Over at the hospital, Doctor Kelly is covering Willie’s head with a sheet. It appears the youth has died. The doctor ushers the boy’s grieving parents out of the room and into his office. Royston and McGill arrive and Kelly gives them the bad news. Poor Willie never even regained consciousness. His father emerges long enough to blame Royston and his radioactive toys for his son’s death before leaving with his wife. Doctor Kelly follows them while Royston and McGill head down the hall in the opposite direction.

They pass a door marked Radiation Room and a man dressed in a white doctor’s outfit emerges once they have passed. He walks to a nearby phone and makes a quick call, saying only “Two minutes? Right,” before hanging up. Willie Harding’s body is wheeled past and then the man ducks back into the Radiation Room. Seconds later a nurse approaches, looks up and down the hallway to see if it is clear, then enters the room. Inside she meets up with the nameless Doctor and they begin smooching up a storm. However, some of the nearby instrumentation flares to life and the doctor is confused. He tells her to stay put while he goes into the next room, which contains a bed and is used for the radiation treatments, in order to investigate. As he walks around the room, he spots something in the floor and near the corner. We again here that scratching sound like a Geiger counter registering something and as the doctor draws closer the room begins to pulsate with illumination that is originating from whatever has caught his attention. He begins to slowly back away from what he is looking at until his back is to a wall. He gets one of those horrified and painful expressions on his face – the same face most men make when told their mother-in-law is due any minute for an extended stay – and lets out an agonized scream. In the other room the nurse lets out her own hideous wail at what she is seeing and when we return to the doctor his face and hands are noticeably disfigured. He falls to the floor where we see the flesh melt away from his skull as the nurse continues to wail like a banshee.

Despite the terrifying pleas for mercy, Yanni claimed yet another victim.

Some time later the hospital director leads Royston and McGill into the Radiation Room. He points to a vault and tells them that this is where they store the radium. The vault door has large hole melted through it and the radium is gone. Royston notes that it was obviously the target. Other things they note are the fact that the heat requires to melt through the vault door must be hotter than anything they know, the theft must have taken place in just a mere few minutes and that same odd residue is covering everything in the room. McGill wants to talk to the nurse and find out what she can tell them, but Doctor Kelly arrives and informs him that the nurse is so traumatized that she won’t even be able to tell them her own name. The hospital director asks Royston how anyone could get in with so many people out in the hall. Royston points to a metal grill cemented into the wall and says that this is where the intruder entered. The others seem taken aback and one reminds him that whatever it was that burned through the vault and took the radium was too big to fit through a grill. Royston comments that ten thousand gallons of oil can take up a large amount of space yet still fit through the grill. Then he realizes that this is the same method the intruder used to break into his lab – it came in under the door. Obviously, Royston reasons, the intruder can take up any shape it needs to in order to achieve it’s goals. Now this is the point where most rational people would look at him, point their index finger towards their temples, make a circular motion and go “coo-coo…coo-coo,” but McGill does not do this. He simply asks where “it” may be now. Royston theorizes that it is “somewhere out on the ridges” and is glad that Major Cartwright did not take his advice and station a couple of men out there. “But he did,” McGill intones ominously.

Uh oh! And I’ll give you one guess as to who the two unlucky bastards are that drew that assignment! That is right – Haggis and Spider! They are out at the fissure that has now been roped off and engaged in their favorite pastime – bitching, whining and moaning. Haggis thinks he hears something and when he looks out over the field, he thinks he sees a glow. He tells Spider that he better go have a look and the other man takes a few steps then stops, wondering why he must go. The two argue briefly as to whom will go take a look and as they do, the glow vanishes. Finally Haggis decides he will look and tromps off across the field. Just as he disappears from sight, he calls out to Spider and then lets loose with a scream. Spider calls to him a few times and when no answer is forthcoming, sets off cautiously to see what has happened to him. He makes his way out into the field and stumbles across Haggis’ rifle…but no sign of his friend. He picks it up but from his movements we can see that the weapon is covered with that same odd residue that has been cropping up all over as of late. Then we hear the tell tale sound of the Geiger counter-like noise and Spider whips around to see something behind him. He unslings his gun and we get another POV view of whatever “it” is as it closes in on him. He fires off a few rounds, an odd illumination lighting up the night, and then whatever “it” may be, it is upon him and he screams and falls to the ground.

A car pulls up to the roped-off fissure and three men – Major Cartwright, Royston and McGill – get out. The Major calls for his men but there is no answer. They look around a bit and the Major finds the burned beret that belongs to one of the missing men. Alas, poor Spider/Haggis...I knew them well.

Back at the Atomic Energy plant Royston convenes a meeting of the minds. He thinks he has an idea as to what they are dealing with. To make a long story short, he theorizes that the center of the earth is home to intelligences that may predate man, life forms that may have once existed on the earth’s surface and who now find their world being compressed out of existence. In order to survive, they may be turning to the surface in order to find a way to live. Being life forms made up of almost pure energy; they must seek out other forms of energy on which to subsist. Other forms of energy like radiation – radiation that did not exist in ages past, but with the onset of the nuclear age, is now in abundance upon the earth’s surface. Royston admits it is just a theory and has no idea how big such a creature may be, but McGill thinks it needs to be found and killed. Royston points out that killing it may be difficult – it is almost pure energy after all. Conventional weapons would be useless. Director Elliot pipes in now and condemns the entire theory. It seems he is the obligatory Doubting Thomas. When it is clear that he cannot sway the others, he stomps out. McGill suggests trying to get a look at the creature and Royston says that they will need to go back to the fissure. When McGill points out that they have been there more than once and seen nothing, Royston tells him that someone will have to go down into the fissure. GULP.

Now they’ve assembled a bunch of equipment back out at the fissure, including a crane mounted over the opening so that someone can be lowered down into the depths of the earth itself. Scientist wannabe Peter has volunteered to be the canary to make the descent. Major Cartwright mentions briefly that he is under some heat from his superiors and has strict orders on what to do. So Peter is strapped into a harness and lowered down. There is nothing to report at first, but then he gets a wild ride when the men operating the crank on the crane let it slip and poor old Pete does a free fall for a second. He is ok once he comes to a halt, but waving his flashlight around he sees a human skull – obviously belong to either Spider or Haggis. He tells the men above to keep lowering and down he goes again. Just a few seconds later he calls for a stop, as his Geiger counter is picking up something. It is faint at first but quickly the needle on the instrument indicates as high a reading as it can make. Then we hear the sound the “it” makes when it is near – that same sort of scratchy sound the Geiger counter is making…only it is louder and coming from below him. Peter aims his flashlight downward and sees something that makes him get that “I need new underwear BAD” look. He begins screaming for the others to lift him up and pretty much screams “faster” the entire way up.

Sadly, when the crew ran out of canaries, Pete was made to take their place.

Once he gets to the top he confirms Royston’s theory and tells them of the body he found below. He is a bit shaken up and can’t accurately describe what he saw, so Royston takes him away by car so he can calm down. At this point Major Cartwright informs them that his orders are to kill whatever is down there and concrete over the fissure. He plans on getting started immediately and walks off to get things underway.

The army now engages in some truly futile efforts – though to be somewhat fair, they might not have known this. They shoot flames at the opening, thrown explosives into the fissure and detonate them, then wrap things up by pouring concrete over the opening. Forget what I said. These guys are idiots. Whatever is down there lives by consuming the energy from radioactive materials. Stuff so radioactive that it will kill people within minutes. A lifeform that generated enough heat to melt through that lead vault…yet these bozos think that some fire and an explosion will kill it?! Something that has moved through miles and miles of solid rock and now they think a few inches of concrete will deter it? Now, I have the utmost respect for people in the armed services, but in this case…look out people, the inmates are loose and running the asylum!

In his wrecked lab, Royston cleaning up and going over some things when McGill arrives and gives him the low don on what the army did out at the fissure. Royston is as critical of their methods as I just was, making nearly all the same arguments and referring to “it” as an unknown quantity…an X. He shows McGill a container that has a small sample of radioactive mud in it and asks the inspector how does one go about killing mud? McGill mentions that he has been recalled to London but asks Royston if X will get loose again. Royston admits that he does think it will and when McGill asks if there is anything that can stop it, he mentions the project he has been working on for a some time now – a method of disintegrating atomic structure obviating the resulting explosion. By passing radioactive crap between his two scanners – those miniature radar things – he hopes he can someday find the right frequency to render it useless. The repercussions of such a discovery on a global scale are obvious – nuclear missiles could be deactivated in flight before landing, thereby rendering them useless. However, McGill wonder if this approach can be used on X out in the fissure. Royston admits that maybe in a few months times with the proper research, but not at the present. A knock at the door interrupts them it a security guard come to remind the Doctor of the time. Royston bids farewell to McGill, who is now off to London.

Out in that lonely field, where concrete has been used to cover the fissure, the earth begins to shake. The concrete covering is shattered as a mountain of radioactive mud bursts forth from underneath and slowly begins to roll across the land. Not good. Not good at all.

Back at the Atomic Energy facility, Royston and Peter are supervising the transfer of some cobalt. Elsewhere, at the local police headquarters, McGill is on the phone with his superiors relaying his belief that X will make another appearance and asking for one more night to investigate. While he is speaking, another phone rings and an officer takes the call. It seems someone is calling in to report an accident in which people have melted. McGill overhears this and rushes to the scene. The scene of the accident is a car sitting by itself in the middle of the road. The car is still smoldering and no doubt what is left of the people inside is not a pretty sight. McGill needs to make a call and a local offers him the use of his phone.

Back at the Atomic Energy facility, Director Elliot is chewing out Royston for moving the Cobalt without the proper authority. As he’s droning on and on, the call from McGill comes through and Peter takes the call and then passes it to Royston. The doctor writes down some notes and then asks to see a map of the area. He illustrates to Peter and his father the straight paths X has been taking in it’s quest for radioactive food and notes that the scene of the earlier accident shows X to be on a direct course for the Atomic Energy Facility.

At the front gate to the facility McGill has arrived and beeps insistently to be let in. The guard insists on seeing his path before letting him in. Inside Royston says that they must get the Cobalt out of there fast. The Director makes like he is going to apologize for being so harsh with Royston then excuses himself so he can go warn the security people. McGill arrives and tells Royston that the phone lines are muddled. McGill uses a phone to call the front gate. The guard is by the fence and as he walks back to the gatehouse to pick up the phone, he hears something around the corner. We hear the distinctive scratchy sound that X makes and a few seconds later the guard comes stumbling back around the corner. He manages to crawl to the gatehouse and hit a button which sets off a loud emergency klaxon, but then collapses and proceeds to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Another proud graduate of the William Shatner school of acting.

Everyone has heard the alarm and Royston tells Peter to check the main gate and see if he can spot it. It is now too late to move the cobalt and Royston begins hustling everyone out of the area. Peter climbs a ladder so he can see over a wall and look towards the main gate. He sees a huge mass of mud slowly but surely rolling up the driveway towards the reactor. He runs to warn the others and arrives just as X begins pouring over the roof of a nearby building. They take refuge in another building close by and watch as X consumes the Cobalt and grows larger by the second. Royston says there is nothing they can do to combat it here, but since they know the exact route it will take back to the fissure, they should clear the way.

Evacuations are underway and many people are taking refuge in a church. The minister is frantically ushering people inside when two police officers drive by and inform him that X should be along in about two minutes, and will be passing within one hundred yards of the church, between some nearby trees. While X may have come this way before, on it’s return journey it is now much bigger. Big enough in fact that it brushes against some power line towers and causes the lines to break and fall. Two guys overhead in a helicopter are monitoring it’s progress and one remarks that it has now changed direction. But the other guy just tells him to turn his map right side up. Hardy-har-har.

X is now travelling down the center of town as the minister gets the last few people inside the church and closes the door, he fails to notice a small child left outside. She wanders over by a nearby retaining wall just as X pushes it’s way through, but her mother has no doubt made it clear that her child is missing as she and the minister come outside, the latter running over to retrieve the small girl.

Elsewhere McGill and Director Elliot are travelling in a car. The inspector is telling Elliot that the phones are now completely useless and there is no way to contact London. It is up to them to take care of the situation. Elliot thinks that once X is back in it’s fissure, it should be left alone until they can contact the defense ministry. However, McGill points out that after each meal X grows larger and subsequently it’s travelling range will increase. The next likely target is an experimental nuclear power station and in order to reach it, X will have to travel straight through the city of Inverness. It must be stopped at the fissure and it must be stopped for good.

In Royston’s lab, he and Peter are working on the doctor’s project to render radioactive crap inert. McGill and the Director arrive just as Royston is making another attempt. They all state blankly for a few minutes as the container of radioactive crap is passed between the mini radar dishes. After a while the Geiger counter falls silent and registers no radioactivity. SUCCESS! Its Miller time…er…Guinness time! Unfortunately as they are all celebrating, the small jar of radioactive crap begins to glow and then explodes! That is no good. They can’t use that on X and Royston says as much. Imagine the resulting BOOM! McGill says there is no time to try again. Peter suggests that the scanner may have just been slightly out of synchronization. This convinces Royston to try his method on X, and McGill informs him that all the necessary gear is waiting out at the fissure. Off they go!

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters it’s final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of the summary

At the fissure Major Cartwright is overseeing the final preparations when Royston and company arrive. It seems the plan is to load some radioactive crap on the back of a jeep, back the vehicle up to the fissure and hope X is lured out by the prospect of a night time snack. Once it has been coaxed out, the jeep will drive between large scanners that have been trucked in, hoping X continues to follow. Once X is between the scanners…poof, they work their scientific mojo and no more radioactive mud.

Royston makes sure that the large scanners are properly synchronized with one another and then orders the jeep brought in. There is some trouble getting it started and Peter has the driver get out so that he can get in and take it. Evidently he has the magic touch when starting stubborn jeeps as it jumps to life with no problem. Instead of wanting to be a scientist, maybe he should look into opening a Mr. Goodwrench franchise or something…he’d make a killing. At the very least he could get a job stealing cars and selling them to chop shops.

So Peter backs the jeep up to the fissure, claiming that somebody had to do it, as the driver was sick when his father asks what the hell he is doing. The waiting game begins. After a while with no sign of X, Peter backs up the jeep all the way to the fissure. The others yell at him to get back and not be a fool, but he pays them no heed. Soon enough X can be heard making it’s way up out of the fissure and a glow can be seen in the depths of the opening. Peter guns the jeep, but OH CRAP…the wheels are stuck in the mud! He has no traction. Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Ok, ok, ok! You can all put your hands down now. I said hands down!!!

“Damn these cheap radials!”

Peter continues to gun it and finally gets the damn jeep moving just as X clears the top of the fissure. The huge mass of radioactive mud follows the jeep and Royston orders the scanners switched on. They make a loud humming sound as they go to work. After numerous tense seconds, the large glowing mass that is X bursts into flames. I know, I know…it is mud. How can mud burn you ask? I don’t know. The scanners are turned off and as everyone approaches with Geiger counters, one last explosion erupts from the fissure.

“What was that?” Asks Director Elliot.

“I don’t know,” says Royston. “But it shouldn’t have happened.”

“But the thing is gone.” McGill says. “You should be very proud, Adam. Your theories worked!”

“It has Adam,” chimes in the Director Elliot.

Then they all walk over to where the remains of X cover the ground. Yep, its dead.

Fade out. The End.

Spider: “Poor old Lansing is in a terrible state. Did you see him? Horrible.”
Haggis: “I saw a man once fell up against a furnace door. Looked just about the same. He’s passed over there now.”
Spider: “Passed over the what?”
Haggis: “Died.”
Spider: “Oh.”
Haggis: “Screamed all night he did.”
Spider: “Hey do you mind, I’m just gonna have my tea.”
Haggis: “Tea? We’ll no be back in time for breakfast.”

Shadow’s comment: You’ll no be back…ever.

Royston: “Where did you go, Ian? Where was it, Ian?”
Ian: “I canna tell you. We swore an oath.”
Royston: “Willie is sick. He’s very sick.”
Ian: “I canna. I canna. We swore an oath.”

Shadow’s comment: Just threaten to take him to a Yanni show…

Hospital director: “What is this? What are we dealing with? How can anyone get in here when there people outside there in the corridor all the time?”
Royston: “Well apparently this is the only place it could come in.”
Hospital Director: “But…the grill doesn’t open. It’s cemented to the wall.”
Royston: “It came in through the grill.”
Doctor Kelly: “But, Adam that’s impossible. Whatever it was that did all this certainly wasn’t small enough to come through there.”
Royston: “Well, how small is ten thousand gallons of oil?”
McGill: “What do you mean?”
Royston: “Well, ten thousand gallons of oil would take up a pretty large area, wouldn’t it? And yet ten thousand gallons of oil could come through the holes in that grill, couldn’t it?”
McGill: “Yes, it could.”
Royston: “Then that’s the way it got into my workshop…it came in under the door. You know, obviously this thing can take up any shape it needs to.
McGill: “Where do you think it is now?”

Shadow’s comment: Attention all cars, attention all cars. Be on the look out for 10,000 gallons of oil. Suspect should be considered armed, dangerous and extremely slippery.

Director Elliot: “Listen to me all of you. We’ve been told a story based on a little fact and a great deal fiction. I’m amazed that this story has been accepted by all of you without the slightest doubt or hesitation. I said just now I thought the whole thing was fantastic…I’ll go further than that. Its absolute rubbish.”

Shadow’s comment: Yeah, I don’t believe Michael Jackson’s story either.

McGill: “Peter, what did you see down there?”
Peter: “I don’t know what it was. It was like something out of a nightmare. It was horrible.”

Shadow’s comment: A Will & Grace convention?

Cartwright: “You know this Royston chap. Brilliant of course, I’m sure. But the trouble with some of these scientific types is that they can’t see the easy way out of anything. It’s got to be complicated if its going to work.”

Shadow’s comment: Yeah, blowing someone up is the easiest way to make them see things your way.

“Sorry, sir…but I cannot seem to get the hang of this new
asshole detector. It keeps acting odd when you approach.”

 

A rushed and hurried attempt is made to move some Cobalt before X arrives to gobble it up, but it is too late. The intelligent mudslide shows up and goes hog wild on the radioactive feast.

 

• In the face of imminent danger, there will always be one fool who will insist on dragging his ass.
• Even scientists have groupies. OK…groupie.
• Glass is a suitable shield against lethal radioactive particles.
• Spying on old drunks is a favorite pastime of Scottish kids.
• EVERY old hermit operates his own still.
• Radiation treatment rooms are the perfect place for a secret romantic rendezvous.
• Engaging in pre-marital sex in Scotland can get you melted.
• Wandering the Scottish moors at night can get you melted.
• Driving your own car through Scotland can get you melted.
• Working as a gate guard in Scotland can get you melted.
• Churches are the logical place to hide when giant radioactive mud monsters roll into town.
• Sound waves can neutralize radioactivity.
• Did I mention how it easy it is to get melted in Scotland?

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