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Shadow's Title: "Journey To The Boring Planet"

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Journey To The Seventh Planet

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Journey to the Seventh Planet

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Invisible Invaders / Journey to the Seventh Planet (Midnite Movies Double Feature)

Strange Invaders / Invaders from Mars / Invisible Invaders / Journey to the Seventh Planet (Midnite Movies)

The film opens with a shot of a rocket preparing to lift off. An annoying announcer (is there any other kind?) begins talking about man’s ability make his imagination into reality. We are informed by the announcer than the story we are about see takes place in a time after mankind has solved the complex mysteries of space travel…or the year 2001 to be precise. Life in this year is different. Mankind has learned to live with himself and the planet is no longer wracked by wars. The entire Earth is governed by the United Nations…um…er…pardon me a second while I…hahahahahahahahahaha. OMG! That was too funny! Sorry for the lapse, but the notion that the ineffectual socialist bureaucracy calling itself the U.N. could effectively govern the planet is something I find to be hilarious in the extreme.

Anyway, we see the rocket blast off for the stars as the announcer blathers on about how “all the planets closest to the sun, including Saturn” have been explored by the United Nations space fleet. Umm…pardon me, but Saturn is no where near the sun. What solar system is he talking about? So the search goes on for life. The space ship Explorer 12 (the one we’ve been seeing while Mr. Announcer drones on) is on a mission to “survey, land, and investigate the seventh planet, Uranus.” Ok, lets just stop the bloody train before we leave the station. Land? Did he say LAND? Either the U.N. space fleet is run by utter morons, or the makers of this film were idiots. I’m going to assume it was the latter. Can someone from NASA or JPL please stand up and tell me how it is possible to land on a gas giant? I thought not. They did know back in 1962 that Uranus has no surface, right? Right? If such astrological arcana was not widely known back then, I can cut the filmmakers some slack, but if it was known, then I feel justified in calling them morons. It should also be noted the Mr. Announcer pronounces Uranus so it sounds like “Yor-ON-us” rather than the more toilet derived “YUR-a-niss” or the equaling crappy sounding “Your-anus.” So Mr. Announcer finally shuts the hell up and the music swells, carrying us into the title credits, which feature shots of a cartoon rocket travelling through cartoon stars. Great! The movie has turned into Star Blazers!

We now see two astronauts aboard the rocket ship drooling over a picture of a pin-up girl. The photo belongs to Don and he is explaining to Eric that the woman featured in the picture is one he has not met, but two months of scheming had resulted in a date with her…until this mission was announced and he was tapped for duty. Svend chides Don on his womanizing ways and tells him he needs to settle down with one woman. He hauls out pictures of his wife and daughter to help illustrate. Isn’t that typical behavior? Married people think everyone else should be married so they can be as miserable as they are. EDIT: Since I first wrote this review, I have gotten married…and don’t ask. The crew talk about women a bit more and Karl admits to there having been a special woman for him back in Germany. Don offers to line him up with a hot date when they get back to Earth. Eric then reminds everyone that they need to get back to work. Party pooper!

The ship is twelve minutes past the moon and expected to pass Mars within forty minutes. Damn, they must be moving at warp 1.5 or something. They run some instrumentation checks and then Eric announces that despite being briefed by flight control before leaving, they need to review their orders. Then Don breaks the seal on a piece of paper and reads their orders out loud. Yes, you heard me…the orders were on paper. These guys come from a society that has constructed rocket ships capable of traversing the solar system in mere hours or days, yet electronic data storage is beyond them. Anyway, their orders are to proceed along the regular flight path that leads out to Saturn, then on pre-set automatic (a fancy term for cruise control no doubt) head to Uranus where they will orbit the planet before setting down to investigate. An odd radiation signal has been detected emanating from the planet, and getting to the bottom of that is their reason for venturing out so far, though there is no real expectation of them finding life. They are allotted ten whole days to accomplish all this.

Karl is a bit jittery because this is his first flight into space. The others open up a window so the newbie can get his first real look at the universe. Raise your hand if you now know that Karl will not be returning from this trip. Ok…hands down. I said hands down! I think it is a law of filmmaking that when a character is making either their very first trip, or their last before retirement…they are doomed. If Karl survives this mess, I will be mighty surprised.

So the five astronauts make themselves busy operating the ship. This is apparently accomplished by sitting in their seats and twiddling dials, buttons and levers on the consoles before them. Finally, they arrive at Uranus and prepare to enter orbit. We see some guys at flight control back on Earth relaying some information to the Explorer 12 and this would surely make it seem like communication between the two is instantaneous…or very darn close to it. Now, for some reason I cannot quite fathom, the crew needs to prepare for weightlessness. This is apparently a result of their entering orbit. My question is…why? These guys are flying a ship that can get from Earth to Mars in less than an hour. That is pretty damn fast if you ask me, and calls for some serious acceleration…acceleration that would no doubt flatten a human into a flesh pancake if not for some kind of inertial dampening system. So…if they can devise that, why can’t they come up with some type of artificial gravity that does not rely on thrust?

As they enter orbit, we are shown the effects of zero gravity when we see an apple rise up off a console before Barry plucks it out of the air. However, a pile of papers on a nearby console remains in place! They prepare to fire their “retro rockets” to help facilitate atmospheric entry, but when Eric gives the order to do so, he realizes that all four of his shipmates are frozen in place, like a mime troupe in mid performance. Then he too freezes, before some odd lights fill the cabin and an unearthly voice fills the air:

“Come. I have waited long for this moment. Give me your minds, your inner most thoughts. You are powerless. I shall drain your minds and bend your will to mine. You will submit and I shall possess you. Through your minds and bodies I will rule you and make your world mine.”

Damn! Those Democrats are everywhere! I swear it sounded just like John Kerry! So all five space cowboys snap out of their catatonic states and come to the stark realization that a significant amount of time has passed – two hours according to the ship’s chronometer, but Barry is convinced it has been longer (I will examine this idea more at the very end of this walk-thru), as his apple is now nothing more than a rotted and dried up core. Don remarks that “matter can’t react like that” and I have to wonder what in his mind it is reacting to? The weightlessness, everyone zoning out or the sudden John Kerry speech that came out of nowhere and no one seemed to have heard (like most of his speeches)? Ya know, come to think of it…I bet that is what the apple was reacting to after all. I saw more than one person shrivel up and die from boredom while Kerry spoke. Eric jumps in now and tells everyone to snap out of it. They can figure out what happened at a later time, now they must concentrate on landing. WTF? Is this guy king of the moron people or something? An unexplained phenomenon just affected the entire crew and he is going to pass it off for now so they can land? Wouldn’t you want to find out just what the hell took place before you landed, just to make sure nothing was truly wrong with either the ship or one of the crew? Apparently, that just is not his command style. No, he belongs to the “charge in blindly” group.

They fire their “retro” rockets and I am assuming the name refers to their function rather than their design aesthetics. Next they fire the braking rockets. How many different types of rockets does that ship have? The ship landing is laughably portrayed by showing stock footage of a real rocket – in reverse! We also get a reverse showing of that “rocket’s eye” view of the ground that pops up now and again in science fiction schlock from the 50’s and 60’s.

Soon enough they have landed and Eric orders Don to open the viewpoint so they can take a look. Before anyone can even get close enough to take a peek outside, we see the entire landscape surrounding the rocket transform from a barren, rocky wasteland to a verdant and fertile paradise. This particular bit of FX wizardry is accomplished with some stop-motion photography and a miniature set. When the space jocks look outside, they are amazed at what they see. Here they were expecting frozen ammonia, helium, hydrogen, methane and a temperature of minus two hundred degrees, but instead what do they see when they look out? Why, it’s Northern California! Karl takes a radiation reading and the outside measures as normal. Eric insists that no one is leaving the ship until a battery of tests has been performed, including an atmosphere test. As they all jump to their assignments, a mysterious force opens the airlock to the outside. Eric admits that it is an effective way of inviting them outside. He tells everyone to get their guns. I guess this means they’re going outside…either that or establishing a local NRA office.

All five exit the ship by descending a ladder – and again I must question Eric’s ability as a leader. Why does he take the entire crew with him? It seems that leaving at least one person behind within the ship would be not only sensible, but standard operating procedure. The airlock was opened by some unseen force in order to lure them outside. What is preventing that same force from closing the door once they have all exited? They’d be trapped, unless someone was still inside and could open the airlock. These types of precautions don’t seem to enter their minds.

Svend gets a funny look on his face and remarks that he feels that he has been here before. The entire surrounding area looks exactly like where he grew up. He even says that a short ways away in the forest is a stream with a large stone in its center. Eric leads the bunch to investigate and sure as shit – there is such a stream with such a stone. Don notices that there is no sign of animal life and soon after Svend pulls up a plant to discover that it has no roots. Further pulling and yanking determines that none of the plant life in the area has roots of any kind. Then Svend notices an apple tree that wasn’t there a few moments earlier. At this point any fool who has seen half an episode of Star Trek knows what is going on here, but these deep space clowns are still clueless.

They plug on and come across a thick wall of brush that hides an odd barrier of some type. Eric describes it as being like a wall “but almost invisible” and when he touches it says it feels like an air cushion without substance. Can I just ask what “almost invisible” means? Is that like being almost dead? Or almost blue? He adds that there is a slight tingle and going on all this empirical evidence he determines all on his own that this is a force field of some kind. Way to go Sherlock! They spread out to determine how far the wall reaches and it seems it encircles the entire area where they have landed. He then takes a stick and pushes it through the force field. When he pulls it back, the end is frozen solid. This tells them that the force field can be penetrated (what good is it then?) but they still don’t know what it is like on the other side. Um …cold maybe? Karl decides that he will find out what it is like beyond the barrier and foolishly plunges his arm through the field. He screams in agony and the others pull him back, his arm frozen. To quote Hermone Granger: “What. An. Idiot.” He just saw what happened to the stick, yet pushes his arm through? Do they still have the Darwin awards in this future year?

A fade out and a fade in leads us to Eric, Don and Svend sitting around a small fire. I suppose Barry took frozen-armed Karl back to the ship. Don is saying that it is too dangerous to go through the wall, but Eric falls back on their orders to explore Uranus as justification for making the trip. Don wants to know why the answers must be out there rather than nearby and Eric, in a moment of rare problem solving logic, states that everything around them is fake – a hallucination of some kind. Something has taken various elements from out of their minds and brought them to life. That something must be on the other side of the wall. I’ll take back what I said earlier; it seems Eric has seen Star Trek a time or two.

Barry returns at this point and updates them on Karl’s condition. The impulsive youth will be ok, though the injury he sustained should have affected him much more adversely. Why didn’t Karl the moron boy lose his arm after he plunged it through the barrier? The temperature on the other side was 200 degrees below zero. While it may not be as cold as say, the liquid oxygen used in their fuel system – which has a boiling point of 297 degrees below zero – it’s still pretty damn cold. Sticking one’s arm into liquid oxygen would cause it to become very brittle due to the cryogenic nature of the fluid. This might not happen to one’s arm in a –200 atmosphere, but I’m sure the damage to the tissues would still be pretty bad. Bad enough that Karl should have lost his arm.

Then Barry stretches out in front of Don and places his head in the other guy’s lap. WTF? Did the planet turn him gay all of a sudden? They get to talking and Eric begins recalling where he grew up. As he speaks, the landscape changes behind him, trees and buildings appearing out of nowhere as he mentions them. Finally he notices the looks on the faces of the others and when he asks what is wrong, they all point in unison behind him. There in the distance is a windmill just as he described. He sends Barry back to the ship to keep an eye on Karl, while he and the others investigate.

They approach a farm that is an exact duplication of the one where Eric grew up. They explore the barn and then head on in to the house. As they walk around inside, we see the same odd lights that appeared in the ship when the gang had gone catatonic and the John Kerry speech invaded the ship. The crew does not see them, so I guess the John Kerry lights are for the benefit of the audience, to let us know that the intelligence playing games with the crew is present, if not seen. The lights vanish and suddenly behind Eric is a woman. Eric calls her by name – Ingrid. Then he orders Barry to take a look through the rest of the house and has Don stay with him, to which the latter says, “Yes, sir” as he stares appreciatively and luridly at Ingrid. Eric tries to talk to Ingrid and get some answers from her, but she is cryptic in the extreme. Barry returns and reports that there is no one else about, so Eric orders them all back to the ship. This doesn’t make Don too happy, having to leave behind a hot dame. Ingrid tells Eric that she will be here waiting for him.

Outside, Don wants to know why they had to leave just when “things got interesting.” Even Barry thinks they should have stayed and spoken to Ingrid in hopes of getting some answers. They head back to the ship and begin climbing up the ladder, Don bringing up the rear. As he is about to ascend he stops and takes a look around him. The John Kerry lights return and when Don turns around, there is an all new hot chick standing by the ladder. He remembers her name – Lise, and she asks him to come with her, “just for a little while.” Don’t do it man! Exercising what is no doubt considerable will power on his part, Don tells her that duty calls and he must be going. She then asks if he will come to her later that night and he agrees. She walks away from him, straight toward the camera, her cleavage making us wish the film had been produced in 3D.

Don smirks as she walks off, and the John Kerry lights return once again. A nearby voice calls his name and when he turns to look, yet another hot chick stands before him. This one’s name is Greta. She wants him to go for a walk with her, but he suggests rescheduling for another time. Some more shameless flirting follows before Barry calls down to Don to get his ass up into the ship. He replies, somewhat annoyed, but complies.

On the command deck, Eric grills Don on what kept him, but cuts him some slack when he hears about the two hot chick hallucinations. He then states that they are going to go through the force field to see what awaits beyond. Svend and Barry will remain in the ship while Eric, Don and Karl make the trip. They will be taking a six hour oxygen supply, so Eric orders Barry and Svend to leave the planet if they have not returned in seven hours. Um…wait a sec. They have six hours of air, but Barry and Svend are supposed to wait seven? Does Eric think that he and the other two can all hold their breath for an hour? This guy is the mission commander? I’m beginning to wonder if he was in the remedial class at the space academy.

Next we see the exploration party on the surface, decked out in some of the most idiotic looking space suits to ever grace the screen. A deep sea blue, they are accented with red gloves featuring yellow cuffs along with yellow belts, black and yellow boots and the most asinine yellow helmets I’ve seen in a long time. The headgear resembles cheap motorcycle helmets that have large clear plastic face plate pieces fitted over the front and which extend a ludicrous amount away from the helmet itself. Even more ridiculous, the faceplates have these little short antenna-like things that have what looks like copper wire protruding from them. Needless to say, the whole ensemble looks like something stitched together for a garage lensed scifi epic.

Karl volunteers to go through the wall first, but Eric says it is his duty to be the first. While he is telling this to Karl, Don goes ahead and walks through! You snooze, you lose! HAHAHAHAHA!! Eric tries to reach him on the intercom, but Don isn’t answering. Finally, a hand emerges from the wall and beckons the others onward. When Eric and Karl emerge on the other side, they find Don, who claims he didn’t hear it when Eric tried to hail him. The landscape here is a frozen, rocky waste with heightened radiation levels – the true surface of Uranus (pardon me while I once again roll my eyes at that idea). The trio then set off to do some exploring.

By the way, The röntgen or roentgen (symbol R) is a unit of measurement for ionising radiation. A dose of 500 R in 5 hours is lethal for humans. When Eric, Don and Karl first venture beyond the barrier to the true surface of the planet, Karl takes a reading than measures 700 R plus per hour. Why didn’t these morons keel over dead after a short while? Those cheap ass suits couldn’t provide much protection from the local flora, so I highly doubt they were designed to safeguard a person from that much radiation.

Eric orders a radiation check and decides to head in the direction where it is strongest. While he and Karl place a marker to help them navigate their way back, Don walks a bit further and promptly falls into a pit of quicksnow – frozen ammonia, “so cold and dry it has no adhesion.” Eric and Karl rush over to help the poor bastard and with great effort haul his ass out of the quicksnow.

They continue on and reach a forest of what appears to be icicles or rocks of some kind. Each “tree” is a thin, pointy thing with jagged branches. Eric advises caution, as one wrong step and their spacesuits could get torn. They carefully thread their way through the maze of ice trees and as they do so the John Kerry lights return. Eventually they find a deep rocky pit with something green moving at the bottom. Eric throws a rock at the green substance, which seems to wiggle on its own. Karl decides to shoot it with his gun. After he does so, they notice that it moved. Then The Time Tunnel comes on. Well, not really, but the image on screen is quickly overlaid with a swirling whirlpool similar to the one seen on that old Irwin Allen show, and suddenly John Kerry’s voice returns:

“You have come to me. Feeble, stupid men. Armed only with courage and foolish weapons, you have come to destroy me, but my weapons are more powerful than yours. Your own fears have created the means of your destruction. Come then! Challenge me. We shall see who survives.”

The three men then continue on with no visible reaction apparent, so it seems the monologue we just heard was for the audience’s benefit again. Evidently this intelligence loves the sound of its own voice and likes to talk aloud to no one in particular…or in this case, talking to itself. Anyway, as the trio walk on a loud screech jolts them out of their silence. They all turn to look and see a giant rat-like monster bearing down on them. It is bipedal and stands about twelve feet tall, with a single great eye. Karl momentarily freezes in fear but soon has his ass in gear like the others. They run until they are cornered against some rocks, which prompts them to turn and fight. Fighting in this case means firing their guns. These guns are obviously some type of directed energy weapon but the effect used to portray the energy bolts being emitted from the barrels looks like it was accomplished by scratching the film stock itself. Sillier yet is the fact that all three men are firing, but all three seem to be firing in slightly different directions. Finally one shot hits the Rat Monster’s eye and blinds it. The trio uses this opportunity to evade the beast, running back through the forest of ice trees and eventually passing through the force field.

Once they are safe, Don comments that their reception could have been warmer, images of all the hot chicks encountered thus far dancing in his head. They return to the ship and discuss what they have seen. Don wonders where the Rat Monster came from, as the natural surface of Uranus (haahahahaha...pardon me) could not support it. Karl admits to having an aversion to rats – thus explaining why he froze like a scared bitch. Eric channels Sherlock Holmes again and announces that whatever force exists on this planet, it is probing their minds and making real their worst fears with which to combat them. So that means he and Don fear hot women?

Barry chimes in and says that there is more to it than just that and then asks Eric if he has ever been in love. Eric doesn’t see how that is relevant and I was beginning to fear that Barry was going to next inquire about Turkish prisons and gladiator movies – especially after the way he snuggled up on Don earlier – but he did not. Rather, once he gets Eric to admit to never having been in love, he brings up the manifestation of Ingrid they met earlier. He gets Eric to also admit to thinking she was perfect, and thus helps illustrate his point that in addition to their greatest fears being used against them, their greatest desires are being conjured up as well. The others agree that someone is probing their minds and playing games with them. Eric theorizes that this is all being done in order to learn what makes Humans “tick.” Then he remembers the green shit they found earlier at the bottom of that pit and recalls how the Rat Monster did not appear until after Karl had shot it. Then it withdrew into the mountain and Eric thinks there must be a passage they can locate that will lead them to it. That is where they will have to go, but first Eric wants to gather as much information as possible – starting by questioning Ingrid.

Next we see Eric speaking with Ingrid at the farm replica. He asks her what is behind everything transpiring on the surface. She stares off into the distance (even though they are indoors) and begins blabbering about a lone being on Uranus that comes from space and time itself. A Time Lord perhaps? This being has a powerful mind and can utilize its brain at nearly full capacity. She admits to Eric that this being took control of their minds when they first approached the planet. When asked why it does not do the same now, she informs him that conditions are not right on the planet’s surface. Eric concludes that it was the weightlessness that allowed it to gain control over them. Eric then realizes that he and the others must leave as soon as possible. Ingrid tells him that they will never be allowed to leave alive. Then the light show returns and John Kerry’s voice says, “Your courage is great, but I am still here. I will destroy you.”

Eric is now back with Don and Karl again; all of them dressed up in those stylish space suits. They have just crossed the barrier to the “real” Uranus surface and Eric informs them that they have one hour and fifty minutes before they must return to the ship. They set out once again to find that blob of green shit they spied earlier. A few snooze inducing minutes of them traversing barren caves follow until they finally reach a point where the radiation is spiking and the temperature is rising. They press on, having traveled the better part of an hour. Then they see a pulsating blue light from up ahead. When they draw near, we the audience are suddenly shown a close up of a great eye, with that Time Tunnel whirlpool superimposed over it. Finally they round a corner and come face to face with….a giant brain! Not just any giant brain mind you, but one with a huge single eye at its center. Don realizes that the radiation is pulsating in synchronization with the blue light – both emanating from the brain. Sherlock Eric is hot on the case and concludes that the “brain thing sends out the radiation.” He says that they will have to destroy it.

I got to wondering at this point, how and when did the Brain arrive on Uranus? There was no evidence of any sort of wreckage that would denote a vessel of some type, so if the Brain crashed there, it was an awfully long time in the past. My guess is that the Brain was left there intentionally by his own people, no doubt for being an insufferable prick. Anyone who feels the need to make such over the top megalomaniacal speeches on a regular basis deserves to be booted out on his or her ass…er…lobes.

Suddenly John Kerry pipes in again: “Invaders of my universe, you are doomed. Your destiny is to die.” The Brain scans their minds and pulls the image of a spider from someone (I put my money on that chickenshit Karl) before manifesting it in physical form…only about a thousand times bigger than normal. Confronted with a humongous tarantula, the gang instantly starts firing their guns, but it does little good….the stock footage from Earth vs. the Spider does not go away. They decide on the most prudent move at this point – running like hell. They flee through the caves, the stock footage in hot pursuit. They seemed trapped at one point and Eric suddenly has a plan, but says there is no time to explain it. The others just need to spread out and follow his lead. Stock footage of the spider is then shown in reverse, making it appear as if it is walking backwards (I have no idea why) before the spider manages to grab Don in its mandibles-pincers-jaws-whatever. Don lets out an idiotic scream while Eric commands Karl to fire at the rocks over the spider. The cave partially collapses, more stock footage from Earth vs. the Spider is shown and then the spider is crushed to death in a truly ridiculous stop motion sequence.

Don now notes that their air supply is dangerously low and they had better get their asses into gear. They begin high tailing it back to the ship, but while passing through the ice trees, Eric tears the leg on his space suit and begins to lose air as well as blood. Don wants to try and help him back to the ship, but Eric insists that his goose is cooked and orders the other two to leave him behind. Karl says that they have to stop the bleeding, but Don, in a moment worthy of McGyver, realizes that if allowed to bleed a bit more, the cold temperature will freeze the blood and seal the tear in the suit. Soon enough Eric passes out.

When he comes to, he is on the ship with Ingrid watching over him. She informs him that everyone else is fine and we know this to be true because we quickly see separate scenes of Don and Karl on the planet’s surface, each making out with a hot hallucination chick...and each one of these broads is one that we have not seen before, so we can tell that the boys' imaginations have been working over time conjuring up every woman from their past that they've wanted to nail. Svend is married, so he is most likely being true to his wife and Barry…well, they do not show what Barry is up to, but given some of his earlier actions and statements, I don’t want to know what he is doing. Then Ingrid informs Eric that he has been unconscious for three days. Eric is not happy about that, however he is especially unhappy to hear that Don and Karl are not even aboard ship, but off gallivanting around in the village like they were sailors on leave.

Next, Eric has his entire crew in the control room and is royally chewing their asses out for being so susceptible to the alien illusions. Don tries to argue that they still have time, but Eric tells them that they have twenty-four hours to leave. After that, the constantly shifting planetary orbits will mean they will not have enough fuel to make the return journey. Svend wants to know what they can do, and Eric again says that they must devise a way to destroy the Brain in the caves. Fire won’t work, as there is no oxygen in the caves. An acetylene torch would be hot enough, but the ones they have are far too small to be effective. Karl proposes they build a modified acetylene torch big enough to do the job and Don suggests using some of the liquid oxygen in the fuel system to help boost it. Don then further suggests that they work at the blacksmith shop in the village and instantly the group is up and running. Well…up and walking quick.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

They gang are now hard at work in the blacksmith shop, building their impromptu weapon. One by one they complete their tasks and exit the room for whatever reason, leaving Don alone. Greta then appears and tries to lure Don away from his work. He brushes her off, telling her that he is busy. She responds by telling him that she knows he is working to destroy the alien brain. Here is where Don openshis mouth and removes all doubt: he then asks her how she knows that! Well…duh, she can see you working on a weapon and she is a manifestation of that aforementioned alien. What an idiot! She tries to snuggle up to him, but he pushes her away. Then her demeanor changes and her words become much colder. She warns Don that all his efforts will be for naught and that the alien brain plans on ruling the Earth. Idiot moment number two arrives for Don when he asks why she is sharing all this information with him. She replies with another question: “Who do you think is telling you?”

Abruptly the funky lights return and John Kerry says, “Yes your planet is rich, warm, filled with life. I shall go there in one of your bodies. Man is weak. I shall make the terrors that dwell in his own mind destroy him and I shall bring a new race into being.” Don then shakes his head and runs off like a scared bitch. How does the Brain plan on getting to Earth in one of their bodies? Is it going to physically squish itself into one human body, a trick that would make that person’s mass increase by a huge amount (either that or defy the laws of physics), or was it just going to hijack one of their minds, replacing that person’s consciousness with its own? If it was going to use the latter method, would it be going along permanently, its own brainbody dying, or would its body remain alive back on Uranus? Can you imagine if it went to Earth in the body of Don and he suddenly had all these amazing powers which he used to subjugate the Human race? It would be like the sequel to The Brain from Planet Arous (complete with same actor)!

Now Eric, Don, Karl and Svend are standing around the blacksmith shop with their guns and striking funny poses. They have searched the immediate area but have found nothing. Eric realizes that the Brain is testing to see how dangerous they can be. The weapon is finished and Eric says they will begin operation Brain Melt the next day at 6:00 AM (no they really didn’t call it that). Until then, he wants someone on guard at all times, keeping an eye on the weapon, and leaves Karl to take the first watch. I really must say at this point that the longer these guys are on Uranus, the more inept they become…and they were pretty incompetent to begin with! Why in hell is Eric leaving the weapon in the village? Why not take it back to the ship? It isn’t that big. On the ship it would be much safer, yet he leaves it behind with just a single man to look after it. And not just any man, but Karl the man-bitch.

So Karl is standing guard for all of twenty-five whole seconds when the John Kerry lights flicker on and off and a whistling sound from behind him compels him to turn around. There before him is the image of the girl he left behind in Germany – Ursula. He tells her to leave and as she approaches, warns her off, saying that she isn’t real. However, Ursula’s charms are too much for Karl and all too soon his eyes are closed and he is not paying any attention to the weapon he is supposed to be guarding. Another illusionary chick enters and quickly makes off with the weapon, which looks like a giant can of bug spray. Put in its place is a replica, which will no doubt fail to perform. Karl opens his eyes and is utterly clueless as to what just transpired.

The next morning Eric, Don, Karl and Barry are suited up and ready to embark on their mission. Eric entrusts the weapon to Karl, oblivious to the fact that the weapon they now have is a fake. As they depart, Eric orders Svend to stay behind as the Dane is most likely to stand up to any tricks the Brain may try to unleash in the village area. I guess married life has made Svend accustomed to such deceit.

We see the Brain at the center of its Time Tunnel vortex and then we see the others stomping through the caves. They approach the Brain and since the weapon was Karl’s bright idea, Eric decides it ought to be him that uses it. They prep the weapon with the liquid oxygen and Karl steps forward. However, when he fires it, the weapon vanishes from his hands. Now one can argue that the liquid oxygen just loaded into the weapon would remain behind, as it was the only thing that was real about it, but that would be demanding too much from the producers, so I suggest just letting that one slip by.

Frustrated that the weapon is gone, Karl lunges at the Brain and what follows next is just flat out annoying. Supposedly what occurs is that the Brain absorbs Karl. However what we see is Karl lunging, followed by a series of close ups – Brain, Eric, Brain, Eric and Barry, Brain, Don, Eric, Brain, Eric, Brain, Eric, Don, Brain and then finally all three surviving men. Throughout the first few close ups we are treated to Karl’s death squeals. The poor bastard sounds like Star Jones just sat on him and all the air is being squeezed from his lungs. Most of the shots featuring the Brain are not that of the prop used on the set, but rather showcase what looks like a sponge with a marble for the eyeball. Naturally, each look at the Brain has the whirlpool effect superimposed over the gray matter.

Another interesting (or just plain sad) fact to note is that several of the reaction shots of Eric and Don were the same ones used earlier in the film after they had killed the giant spider. In that scene they were facing towards the right of the screen where the spider died, whereas in this final Brain confrontation scene they are initially facing towards the left. When Karl is being absorbed offscreen, several of the close-ups of Don and Eric show them facing the right, then suddenly they are facing left again. Did the film makers run out of film and/or time? Was it that hard to take a few extra minutes and shoot a few reaction shots that matched the surrounding footage? It appears it was.

With Karl dead (was I right or was I right about the newbie not coming home?), Barry now says that they have no chance, but Eric improvises a new tactic. He quickly asks Don for the temperature and when Don informs him it is at minus ten degrees, Eric concludes that the Brain is using the volcanic heat of the planet to keep it alive. The liquid oxygen they are carrying will easily freeze it solid. Eric blasts the Brain and in true moron style, throws the container of liquid oxygen at it when it is exhausted. The Brain is instantly frozen and the others quickly begin firing their guns at it. This causes the Brain to shatter…and for some reason, the cave to collapse. Wait! it was that easy to kill the Brain? If that things was so delicate, what was it doing for food in these caves? Was it somehow converting heat into energy to sustain it?

Eric calls Svend and tells him to prepare for an emergency lift off. With the Brain now dead, the radiation levels in the area around the ship are beginning to return to normal. The illusions are also beginning to vanish as they run for the ship. When they reach the ship, Ingrid is passed out on the ground nearby. Eric doesn't want to leave her, so he orders Don to help him get her on board. Hold on a second! Why hasn't she vanished? How the hell could she be exhibiting a will of her own? All of these illusions were created by the Brain, and even when Don was confronted by the Greta re-creation, he was informed that by speaking with her he was in fact addressing the Brain directly. So what gives? Was Ingrid representaive of some aspect of the Brain’s inner psyche that wanted to help these buffoons from Earth?

The landscape outside reverts to a frozen, rocky wasteland and the ship hurriedly takes off, the people inside barely strapped in. More stock footage of rockets lifting off at this point really detracts from the “tense” mood.

Once again in space, they run some checks and find everything is in perfect order. Eric pulls Ingrid from her seat and walks her to the window. A cheezy model of a planet (the kind that looks like the MST3K logo) is receding in the distance. Eric smiles at Ingrid, but before everyone’s eyes, she vanishes. Eric gets this sad “aw damn” look on his face like he may cry, and then we get a fade out.

The End.

Yep, the movie abruptly ends right there. Well, let me be more clear. The narrative ends right there. The ending credits are just beginning…and oh boy, what a treat they are to behold! Some Tony Bennet wannabe starts crooning the Journey to the Seventh Planet title song as cheap cartoon and model FX show the ship traveling through space, with the names of the people responsible for this mess appearing on screen at various intervals. We’re subjected to just a wee bit over two and a half minutes of this before the film mercifully fades out, the movie title shown one last time (as if we had forgotten what we were watching and the annoying song failed to jog our memories), spiraling around some cheap model planet as if it were a ring.

There is one last thing I must mention. Recall how they were all frozen by the Brain when they first entered orbit? The chronometer claimed it was only two hours but Barry’s fresh apple rotted away to a shriveled core during this time. That takes more than two hours. A lot more. Several days in fact, if not even more, given temperature, humidity and other variables. If they were out of contact with Earth for so long, why didn’t the brass back home send another ship to see what happened to them? It’s not like a second ship would take too long to get there. They themselves probably got there rather quickly. Given that their speed would take them from Earth orbit to Mars in under and hour (thus moving them at something like 62 million miles an hour), then the trip to Uranus could not have taken more than a day and a half – even considering the seventh planet’s maximun distance from the sun. Even with a ten day time frame to complete the mission, this is more than enough time for a second ship to have been launched, make it there and find them frozen in orbit. The fact that none did shows that they were probably considered expendable. Another consequence of this extended time being frozen, is that they probably missed their launch window by many days and did not even realize it. Even though they escaped the planet at the end, they most likely ran out of fuel long before they got close to Earth and had no way of further manuevering the ship or altering its course. Could a rescue ship be dispatched in time before inertia took them on a one way trip out of the solar system or worse...straight into the sun? Who knows.

The (real) End

Review

The year 1960 saw the release of the film The Angry Red Planet, produced by the partnership of Sid Pink and Ib Melchior. Early negative reviews before the film even had a distributor ultimately resulted in the movie being picked up by cheapie kings American International Pictures (AIP) rather than a big studio. This may or may not have played a factor in Pink and Melchior’s decision to shoot their next two films overseas in Denmark. The first of those movies was 1961’s Reptilicus and then Journey to the Seventh Planet one year after that. The latter film was budgeted at $74,000, a far cry from the $190,000 budget The Angry Red Planet enjoyed just two years prior. In order to help alleviate costs, changes were made to the script. These included dropping the entire opening sequences that provided exposition as well as the removal of two characters.

Unfortunately, shooting in Denmark presented its own problems. Just like with Reptilicus, many of the voices belonging to the Danish actors had to be dubbed so as to be understood by American audiences. The original thespians had been told to enunciate their English and speak very deliberately. Sadly, this resulted in some rather wooden performances captured on film. Eventually Ib Melchior dubbed more than one voice himself, no doubt to help keep costs down.

Additionally, several of the FX shots fell far short of the expectation held by the producers. Some sequences involving monsters were reportedly so ludicrous in appearance, that they were excised from the film altogether and substituted with stock footage of the Rat-Bat-Spider-Crab beast from The Angry Red Planet as well as tinted footage lifted from Bert I. Gordon’s Earth vs. the Spider. Look quickly when the giant spider dies and you'll catch a quick glimpse of the original stop-motion model used for the film. The one original monster left intact, the one-eyed rodent thing, was itself a reworked stop-motion model recycled from Jack the Giant Killer, with its roar stolen from Rodan! The partnership between Pink and Melchior fell apart after Journey to the Seventh Planet, though both men remained active in the industry throughout the 1960's.

This movie is very much like having sex on a waterbed – it sounds good in theory, but the actual implementation is a wobbly, unbalanced affair that leaves you feeling strangely unsatisfied. It is not so much that the film is a raging stinkfest, but that it is just so…blah. Very, very little jumps out in any way to help differentiate the film in a positive manner from all the other cheap space epics of the time period. What few aspects exist that are noteworthy, wind up lodged solidly in the “cheeze” category and firmly cement this film in the lower bands of the B-Movie spectrum, forever consigning it to the realms of the MST3K-style viewer approach. Buried under all that cheeze is a good idea or two, but the sheer weight and spectacle of all the low grade trappings, coupled with a rigid storyline so afraid to delve into the deeper issues brought to light by said ideas that it aims for cheap humor and graces the screen with mere caricatures rather than fleshed out characters, that we the viewing audience are assured that those ideas will be lost quickly and efficiently.

The Storyline.
Ripe for dissecting in the manner than only allegorical science fiction can do, is the idea that the Alien Brain uses man’s greatest fears and desires to control him. There seems the opportunity to comment on Humanity’s desire for peace but penchant for violence when faced with the unknown, but even deeper, on a level that I often find to be pretentious, is the notion that the Alien Brain represents intellect and the ability to control such fears and desires, with the further implication that such control could mean the end of the very things that make us Human. However, do you think such elements are examined in any way? Hell no.

Characterizations & Acting.
The characters, as noted earlier, come off as little more than stereotypes and what is truly sad is the seeming apparent fact that this is exactly the way they seem to have been intended. We get the by-the-book commander, the guy obsessed with women, the guy obsessed with food, the devoted married guy and the wet-behind-the-ears rookie. The film pounds these attributes into our heads rather heavy handedly during the first few minutes of the film, and these people will adhere to these traits with very little deviation for the remainder of the film. All good stories need to have some character growth – even if it is limited to just one character realizing what an idiot he is, but here we are subjected to five people who exit the film exactly the way they entered. While it is true that what Eric experiences may affect his future, we just don’t know for sure. Is he going to look up the real Ingrid on his return to Earth and/or will he be more receptive to love in the time to come? Form your own theories because the film won’t bother to let us know. As for the others…I’m sure Don will continue to leer lasciviously at any attractive female he encounters, Svend will remain his same boring self and Barry will still lust after apples, food and possibly Don and Svend. The film does not show them being changed by their experiences on Uranus, so how can the filmmakers expect the same of the audience?

On top of the cardboard cutout nature of the characters, is the fact that none of them are likable. They are all annoying as hell. Eric shows about as much personality as a diving board while Don has all the depth of an empty pool. The former gets pissed at his men when he perceives them to be acting stupid, but then manages to act stupid all on his own. Some of his command decisions are things that any twelve-year-old would be better qualified to make. Don is just one giant walking erection and single handedly gives men a bad name throughout the stars. All he can think about is women. Then we have Barry who seems reluctant to come out of the closet, Svend who is as exciting as a flea circus and Karl, whose sheer incompetence spells trouble for him on more than one occasion. All in all, a lot that the viewer finds hard to root for or with which to feel empathy.

FX.
I think it’s safe to say that worst facets of this film are its monsters. I’ve seen more terrifying creatures on cereal boxes. The “Rodent thing” as it is referred to, does not even look like a rodent! It resembles something reptilian far more than it does something small with four legs and spindly tail. At least the stop motion FX used to bring it to life were passable, even if the sequence of shots showed its limbs in radically different positions from second to second. And what is with the single eye? Was that a personal touch made by the one-eyed Brain? Speaking of the Brain…why in hell does it have an eye?? Then we have the giant spider. Holy crap, the few brief instances when the original FX can be seen are enough to make the most tolerant B Movie fan roll his eyes in annoyance. Hell, there have been better giant spiders on Doctor Who (classic series)! It seems the producer were hell bent on having a giant spider, come hell or high water. When the original FX turned out to be such utter crap, why…they just used stock footage!

Technique.
Contributing greatly to the “blah” factor is the sparsity inherent in the set design. The bulk of the action takes place on three main sets: rocket ship, forest, and frozen caverns – with a few smaller sets – the quicksnow pit, crystal forest and village interiors, being added into the mix. This really gives the film a slight claustrophobic feeling for which even a few on location scenes cannot compensate. The near absence of any wide, sweeping shots doesn’t help, either and the trouble the filmmakers sometimes have in squeezing all of the actors into a shot really adds to the feeling of being closed in with nowhere to go. If that wasn’t bad enough, the look and appearance of these sets just screams “cheap” louder than a K-Mart blue light special. One can actually see the ledge John Agar “falls” off in the quicksnow scene and in others it is plainly clear that the horizon is a painting. The control room of the rocket is loaded with equipment that would make a high school radio station look high tech, mostly being comprised of panel after panel of voltage meters with the odd set of levers and buttons thrown in for good measure. On top of all this are the absolute hideous pressure suits used in the film. The color scheme, while being the same blue-yellow combination utilized by my old high school, does not in any way look credible on apparel designed for offworld operations and the suits just end up making the actors look like divers who just swam through pools of paint. Add all this up and what we end up getting is a film that really looks and feels like it was shot in someone’s garage…and given that some sets were no bigger than a standard two-car garage, that feeling is intensified all too often.

The Summation.
In the final assessment, Journey to the Seventh Planet plays like an episode of the subsequent Star Trek television series, albeit one written by fanboys. It has all the ingredients of a typical episode: spaceships, weird planets, strange aliens, monsters, hot chicks, cheezy sets, costumes and FX…but lacking any real depth. It is all show and no substance, and unfortunately, what shows is rather inadequate. Yet, despite all the negative things I have said in this review, the film is not the raging stinkfest I make it sound like. It’s just that there was a possibility for more that was sorely missed. The film still manages to entertain on a purely popcorn level, and B-movie fans will find much here to enjoy whereas mainstream audiences had best avoid this one.

04 Mins – PIGS IN SPACE!
06 Mins - Focus. Focus! FOCUS!!
10 Mins - Ask Dr. Stupid!
20 Mins - Karl the idiot…part one.
23 Mins - Too bad he wasn’t recalling a trip to Sizzler or something.
42 Mins - Gunfire looks more like print damage than energy releases.
55 Mins - That spider sounds like it has emphysema.
66 Mins - Karl the idiot…part two.
69 Mins - Karl the idiot…part three.
72 Mins - How did they get her up that ladder?
74 Mins - Wait! It just ends right there?

The Brain launches into the first of many mind-numbing monologues.

Brain: “Come. I have waited long for this moment. Give me your minds, your inner most thoughts. You are powerless. I shall drain your minds and bend your will to mine. You will submit and I shall possess you. Through your minds and bodies I will rule you and make your world mine.”

Shadow’s comment: Damn, those Amway people are pushy.

• It is perfectly ok to call your commanding officer by his or her first name while on duty.
• HDTV’s are standard equipment on deep space exploration vessels.
• Transmitting orders to rockets via envelope is more practical than the radio.
• Force fields that can hold back frozen gases are easily pierced by a stick.
• Mind control works best in a weightless environment.
• Alien brains are big fans of Irwin Allen’s The Time Tunnel.
• Spiders on Uranus are big, blue and sound like somebody being squeezed in a vice.
• Blood makes an excellent sealant.

Don asks Eric why they can’t stay and visit with the hot chick.

Don: “Why the hasty retreat, sir? It was just getting interesting.”
Eric: “Don’t you realize what’s going on?”
Don: “Ingrid?”
Eric: “Yes.”
Don: “Well, whoever thought her up really knows his business.”
Barry: “We should have stayed, Eric.”
Don: “At least we could have talked to her.”
Barry: “She might have given us a couple of answers.”
Don: “At least she gave me a couple ideas…yes, sir.”
Eric: “Come on.”

Shadow’s comment: For goodness sake, put your dick back in your pants and concentrate on the mission.

Shadow's rating: Four Tombstones

The Good

• The Rat Thing monster looks great
• Lots of hot chicks
• Short running time
• Positive view of Mankind’s future

The Bad

• The stolen Rodan roar for the Rat Thing
• The dubbing is rather crappy
• Brain sounds like an old bore
• Eric is a horrible commander
• The one death occurrs out of sight

The Ugly

• That horrible stop motion spider FX
• Those hideous space suits: colors and design.
• The way the movie abruptly ends
• The cringe-inducing closing song
• The scratchy visual FX for the gunfire

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