Home - Review Index - Ratings - Content Icons - Review Format - Articles - Links

Page Navigation:

The Basics
Forward
The Plot
Main Characters
Walk-Thru
Review
Content Breakdown
Movie Stats
Immortal Dialog
Images

Tagline:
Angela is having a party, Jason and Freddy are too scared to come. But You'll have a hell of a time.

Alternate Titles:
Halloween Party

Review Date: November 26th, 2007
Content Guide:

Single sentence synopsis:
A disparate group of moron teenagers throwing a party on Halloween night in an abandoned funeral home with a tragic history, conjure up more than they can deal with when they decide to conduct a séance.

Shadow's Title:
Night of the Annoying Morons

Click the musical note and listen to the opening theme! (1.73 MB)

Click the icon to read the listing for this film on the Internet Movie Database.

Click the icon to read the listing for this film on Rotten Tomatoes.

Discuss this film on the BBS

The year 1986 saw the release of the surprise horror hit Witchboard. Reportedly made for less than a million dollars, the film went on to gross a substantial amount for a horror film in 80’s dollars – over ten million domestically. The inclusion of then “it” girl Tawny Kitaen probably did not hurt (indeed, it was why I went to see the movie at the time). Known for her appearances in Whitesnake videos, Kitaen starred as a woman menaced by an unseen spirit that was unwittingly conjured up by her reckless behavior with a ouja board. While the film concentrated more on atmosphere and its use of characters over splashy visuals and gore FX, it did allow fans to get a glimpse of all of Kitaen’s assets and is generally regarded with favor by cult movie fans, even if it’s only for those brief nude scenes with Kitaen.

Following the success of Witchboard, several members of the crew began devising their next project: Halloween Party, which eventually became Night of the Demons. Kevin Tenney, Jeff Geoffray and Walter Josten all made the jump over from Witchboard as director, supervising producer and executive producer, respectively. The film’s location manager was the one who found the abandoned building that became the film's Hull House. Located in a South Central area of Los Angeles known as the Adams district, many people felt the surrounding neighborhoods were much more frightening in real life than anything shown in the film. Owned by a supermarket chain that hoped to demolish it, the building was the subject of a crusade by historical advocates who wanted it spared and preserved. While the subject was debated in the legal system, the chain rented the grounds to the film’s production team for twenty-five thousand dollars. The filmmakers not only used the building for their interior sets, but also utilized several rooms as offices, dressing rooms and for other production purposes.

Director Tenney claims the film afforded him a longer prep time than any other film he made, and he used this time accordingly. When it came to the cast, the producers had wanted to make a SAG (screen actors guild) film, but were not sure that they could pay SAG mandated wages. Discovering a loophole in the rules regarding affirmative action, which allowed filmmakers to pay minorities less, they opted to make their cast as ethnically diverse as they could, which created its own problems when it came time to find “hot” actresses of the proper ethnic background who could act and were willing to do nude scenes. The opening animation sequence was originally proposed by writer Joe Augustyn. Tenney was unsure of the concept, as it would divert a considerable amount of the budget that he could uses for other things, but upon seeing the test footage, he was convinced that it was necessary.

Filmed over the better part of a two month period, the film was budgeted at just over a million dollars. When it debuted in 1988, it opened in only three markets: Detroit, New York City and Los Angeles. Here it managed to rack up over 3.1 million dollars in grosses. It is speculated that had it opened nationally, it would have earned upwards of thirteen million dollars in its first weekend – a sure guarantee that it would have eventually ranked amongst the top grossing horror films of the decade.

It’s Halloween night and the trick-or-treaters are out in force, much to the annoyance of one particularly grumpy old fart on his way home from the grocery store. Kids are obviously not high on his list of favorite people, probably ranking right below tax collectors, proctologists and telemarketers. He looks about as happy to be surrounded by costumed kids as a Christian fundamentalist would be at lesbian movie festival. Mr. Grumpy gets even more irate when a car carrying Helen, Rodger and Stooge passes by, the latter flashing his gargantuan butt cheeks at him. Then a run-in with wise ass Sal really gets his blood boiling even more, so when Judy encounters him on her way home and tries to help him pick up his dropped purchases, all she gets for her trouble is some serious old man attitude. She leaves Mr. Grumpy behind, oblivious to his plan to hide razor blades inside of apples. How original. Was he watching Halloween II earlier that day?

Once home, Judy wastes no time in changing into her Alice in Wonderland costume, then arguing with her ultra-annoying and slightly pervy little brother Billy, who was hiding in her closet while she got nekkid. Sal then drops by to see Judy, but Billy convinces him to leave after informing him that his big sister already has a date. However, for a nominal fee (one whole dollar), he does tell Sal where that party is being held. Not long after Sal has departed, Judy’s horny date for the evening, Jay, arrives to pick her up. Despite Judy’s trepidation, the pair head for the Halloween party being thrown by the freaky Angela, after picking up pals Max and Frannie along the way. The aforementioned Helen, Rodger and Stooge are also heading to this party, that is if they can find it. Sal, who wants another chance to score with Judy after a previous date, is also headed to this shindig, even though he was not amongst the invited (a fact he will come to regret).

And where is this little soiree being held? Why, beautiful Hull House, an abandoned funeral home, of course. Did you really think they had rented a hotel room some place? Why is Hull House abandoned, you ask? Because the family that ran it was slaughtered by one of their own. Duh! In movies like this, these people just don’t sell the business and move away. Nope, they are horrifically killed by their own patriarch, leaving a curse upon the land, the house, the silverware, the toilet…you name it.

After some car troubles for Stooge, Rodger and Helen, petty shoplifting at a convenience store by Angela and Suzanne (including some shameless, but much appreciated shots of Linnea Quigley’s ass), and Jay getting scared shitless by Sal (who was hiding in a coffin), everyone eventually arrives at Hull House and settles in for the big bash. Since Max has been designated the exposition dork for the film, he gives us the lowdown on the place, explaining that the property is surrounded by an underground river and that a tall brick wall has been built over this subterranean waterway. Since the land has been considered unclean for centuries, it is believed that any evil spirits that call it home cannot pass beyond the brick wall that marks the boundaries. Any more exposition and I was fully expecting to hear the no bright lights/no water/no feeding after midnight speech from him.

Once everyone is inside and the shock of finding Sal-the-uninvited already there waiting for them has worn off, they get down to partying. This means hanging cheap decorations, consuming their pilfered food and drink, blasting crappy music, firing up a strobe light and jumping around as if they were on fire. Strange sounds prompt them to look around the house some and they locate an old mirror – the perfect thing for holding a past life séance! They might as well have found bottles of nitroglycerine strapped to the sides of an electric bull. At least that would have saved them all time and lots of unpleasantness. Alas, they opt to have the séance, which awakens an evil presence that was hiding in the basement’s furnace.

The evil presence immediately possesses Suzanne, probably because her head is the emptiest and the easiest to squeeze into. She wastes little time in passing on the demonic influence to Angela via a girl on girl kiss (pretty hot for those days!). At this point, sensing the dictates of B-moviedom, the collection of stereotypes called characters all decide to split up in order to explore the place further and most importantly, find places in which to fornicate. Well, everyone but Rodger and Helen. Those two are too scared by things they’ve seen and felt and decide it is time to get the “F” out. They head out the front door without a second look back. Hell, there wasn’t even a first look back.

However, things don’t go quite as anyone has planned. Then again, does it ever? Despite his best efforts to get some, Judy is not about to give it up for Jay, so in a huff he leaves her and eventually hooks up with Suzanne. Too bad for him that she is now possessed and reveals her true colors while riding him like a bucking bronco. The now possessed Angela does a freaky dance for Sal, who wisely leaves her alone, but poor Stooge succumbs to her charms and is literally left speechless after receiving the kiss of death. Max and Frannie try having sex in a coffin, but a newly dead and possessed Stooge shuts the lid on that idea. Outside, poor Rodger and Helen cannot seem to locate the gate in the high brick wall that leads out, and are walking in circles. All in all, things go down the crapper really fast.

Eventually, the only two left alive are Judy and Rodger. Trapped within Hull House and stalked by their former friends, they fight to survive until daylight, when the Demons are banished back to hell once again. Will Rodger ever quit cowering and show a little backbone? Will Judy ever stop screaming? Will all the women in this film get naked at some point? Will you freakin’ believe what Suzanne does with a tube of lipstick? And what about Mr. Grumpy from the film’s beginning? Will his plan to pawn razor blade laced apples off on the kids work, or will it come back to bite him in the ass…or throat? Find out when you live through the Night of the Demons.

Angela – The Freaky Goth Girl. Costume: Black Wedding Dress. Angela here is the one that came up with the bright idea of throwing a party at an abandoned funeral home. An abandoned funeral home where an entire family came to a horrific and bloody end, no less. I guess all the local cemeteries were already booked for Halloween parties by the other strange neighborhood teens. It’s a wonder anyone even shows up for her party, for much like the kids in my high school, everyone seems to regard the Goth girl with varying levels of distaste and derision. Coupled with the general disdain that she shows for almost everyone around her, and I’m left wondering what it was that compelled these people to attend her little shindig. Did she have incriminating information on these folks and was blackmailing them into going? Was she passing out crack or pot or even cash as party favors? There had to be something that lured those dolts to her meeting of the morons, and it sure as hell wasn’t the promise of quality music and food.

Suzanne – The Slut. Costume: Pink Girl’s Dress. She is best friends with Angela. Well, as best of a friend one can be with someone as caustic and temperamental as Angela. Then again, Suzanne doesn’t display the greatest working mind, with her two biggest worldly concerns being the lack of available cute boys and the constant need to adjust her make-up in a compact mirror. So maybe most of Angela’s remarks probably went way over her head, anyway. What Suzanne does display is her body. Our first view of her is a fabulous shot of her ass, and later in the movie she leaves little up to the imagination, answering the age old question about carpets, drapes and matching colors. She even engages in a short round of the classic “pickle in the hair sandwich game,” but by this time she is possessed by a demon straight from hell, and goes completely psycho on her partner. Of course, many guys out there will attest to the fact that this describes innumerable women, so that behavior might not be too strange in the long run.

Jay – The Preppy AKA The Good Boy. Costume: None. No doubt Jay here is the type of guy that all the girls in school want to be asked out by. He comes across as nice, sincere, sensitive and understanding. However, the truth is, he is really none of those things. Jay is only after one thing when it comes to women and it is the same old thing that most guys are constantly after…and it ain’t home cooked meals (at least not at first). Nope, all Jay wants is to get laid and he thinks that by putting the appropriate moves on Judy at the right time and place, he will score. Who cares if Judy is a “good girl?” He’s probably deflowered a few of those types in his day, sweet talking them right out of their pants and into a lifetime of regret. It’s just too bad for Jay that Judy doesn’t give it up and he is forced to show his true colors and abandon her in order to seek coitus elsewhere. It really sucks for him that he hooks up with a female that is possessed by a demon and who doesn’t take kindly to being stared at by her sex partners. Ouch.

Sal – The Hot Headed Italian AKA The Bad Boy. Costume: None. Sal comes across as the bad boy – the one that comes from a dysfunctional home, treats women badly and is constantly in trouble with the law, the school officials, and damn near everybody else. The exact type that all women say they don’t want to date but still throw themselves at constantly, despite the likelihood of being hurt. Me bitter? No! At some point in the past Sal here and Judy went on a date and he would really like to go out with her again, but she opted to accept Jay’s invitation to accompany him to Angela’s party. Not letting something like that get in the way, Sal secretly crashes the party in hopes of seeing Judy. In the end, Jay is the one that turns out to be the flake while Sal shows more guts and concern for Judy than his rival. Not that that saves him from a horrible demise, it just shows who the better man was. However, despite his efforts to put Judy’s welfare first, I’m still betting Sal was after the same thing Jay was.

Judy – The Goody Two Shoes. Costume: Alice in Wonderland. This here is our heroine. She is definitely the good girl type, not engaging in sexual activity before she is ready, despite the insistence of her dates. However, this is not a slasher movie and abstaining from Boom Boom is no guarantee that one will survive the film. Before Jay even picks her up and they leave for the party Judy is unsure that she wants to go. After they arrive at Hull House and she gets a good look at the place, she is even more sure, and once the freaky shit starts to go down, she is positively ready to get the hell out and go home. If this was a slasher, then Judy would definitely qualify for Final Girl status, as she spends the last third of the film running room to room from the possessed people, screaming a lot and quivering in fear. For those interested (like me), she does show off her bare ass early in film while changing clothes. None of the guys in the movie ever got a piece of that action, but hey, it sure did look nice.

Max – The Exposition Guy. Costume: Surgeon. Max almost comes off as slightly nerdy and or geeky, with the way he expounds upon the history of Hull House and the gruesome events that took place there. Alas, I have never known, or known of, a nerd that had such a smokin’ hot girlfriend like Max does, so I guess the dweeb theory is out. The only real purpose Max serves in the film, in addition to being part of the expendable meat, is to relate the rules of the film by explaining them to his friends. Hull House’s history as well as the nature of the land on which it sits and the underground river surrounding it are all things Max explains to his buddies, and in turn, to us. Later on, Max is the second guy in the film to get laid…as well as the second one to not survive the experience. This time death doesn’t come from a possessed partner, but more like a possessed friend that interrupts the proceedings. And you thought being premature was a bad way to end an otherwise good night!

Before any title even appears, the 80’s synthesizer-driven music kicks in and the cast credits begin, accompanied by some animation sequences of a graveyard, skeletal demons flying about and a haunted house (my kind of neighborhood!). That music alone is enough to make me cringe. You know, waaay back in the 80’s, I remember that I did not really spend large amounts of time pondering the music of the era and how it would sound to future generations, let alone if it possessed any intrinsic or inherent qualities that would come to typify the decade in which I was living. It just seemed “normal.” However, given the passage of two decades, I can certainly see now just how truly cheezy much of it really was. Anyway, we see the film’s title before the remainder of the credits eventually unfold…still accompanied by the horror animations and dated music. Finally, the animated image of a jack-o-lantern is the last thing we see as it…

…transforms into a real and identical jack-o-lantern that is sitting atop a car. A car that happens to be in motion and which is driven by no less than Porky Pig himself!! No, wait! That ain’t Porky! It’s just some big fat dude dressed like a pig. And when I say dressed, I mean he is wearing a fake pig snout, which is held in place by the old stand by: a string wrapped around his head. This is Stooge, and he is having a grand time. He has his music blasting and is enjoying the last sips of a nice cold brew on this particular night. He throws his empty bottle out the window and enthusiastically shouts something about a party. His mood is almost infectious. Almost. I think you have a better chance of catching the bubonic plague from your neighbor. Or at the very least, some kind of unpleasant and unsightly rash.

In the car with him, sitting in the passenger seat is Helen, with Rodger in the back seat of the vehicle. Helen seems somewhat annoyed. She yells at Stooge to turn the music down and when she tries to do it herself, she earns a tongue lashing for messing with his radio. Rodger then leans forward and points to something up ahead. He tells Stooge to check out “the old fart.” Stooge reacts quite gleefully, as if he was just awarded a lifetime’s worth of free beer, then has Helen slide over and take the wheel while he moves over to the passenger side.

Walking down the sidewalk is an old man, carrying some grocery bags. As Helen slows the car and passes by, Stooge himself shouts out to the old guy. The old timer looks up and sees Stooge with is butt hanging out of the passenger side window. Mercifully for both you and I, Stooge is not flaunting his uncovered butt. I don’t think I could really take the sight of that much bare man ass right now. No, Stooge is wearing some orange undies (huge orange undies, I might add) and has crudely fashioned a jack-o-lantern face on them with a marker. He draws the old guy’s attention to his giant orange ass and shakes his tremendous cheeks, taunting the old fart. For his part, the old guy channels the spirit if Charleton Heston with his reply: “You filthy bastards! Damn you all to hell!” The car then turns around the corner and is soon out of sight.

By himself now, the old guy mutters again, this time something about those “damn kids.” He peers over his shoulder and looks across the street. We suddenly get a POV (point of view) shot, showing us that someone is watching him from the other side of the roadway and is ducking down behind a parked car when he gazes in their direction. The old guy continues on his way and the POV suddenly leaves its hiding place and crosses the street in his direction. Closer and closer and closer it comes. Whatever is about to happen, it is going to have lots of witnesses, as almost every shot on this street has shown us groups of kids out trick or treating. Eventually, the person behind the POV winds up on the sidewalk right before of the old guy. Suddenly a very fake rat is being dangled in front of the old fart’s face and this scares the old dude so bad that he drops all his groceries (and no doubt soiled his Depends to the point of risking leakage).

Just who is this depraved fiend that is accosting senior citizens with rubber rodents? Why it’s none other than Sal. “There is no fool like an old fool,” he laughingly says. Naturally, this makes the old guy – let’s just call him Mr. Grumpy – even more pissed off than he already is, and it seems pretty clear that he was already cranky enough to make Ebenezer Scrooge seem like a ray of sunshine. “You son of a bitch,” Mr. Grumpy yells, and then raises his fist as if to punch Sal. The youth just walks away, but before doing so, he tells the older man to cool it or he’ll end up blowing out his pacemaker. Alone again, the old guy now bends down to collect his spilled groceries.

Harvey decided that he was sick and tired of teen violence,
so he resolved to put an end to the situation, even if he had
to kick every last teenager’s ass.

As he picks up his items and places them back in his bags, a hand reaches out of nowhere and touches him on the shoulder. He lets out a cry of fright (and if he didn’t need a change of undergarments before, I’m sure he does now), but it is only Judy, who apologizes for startling him. She tries to explain that she just wanted to help him, but the old coot is in no mood to listen to her. He tells her to get her hands off of him and to get away from him. Then he tops it all off by calling her a “damn little whore.” Naturally, she finds this upsetting and replies that she would not want to help an “old creep” like him anyway. She stomps off and Mr. Grumpy mutters “damn rotten kids” again. He then bends down and from the grocery items spread on the ground, retrieves an apple and a box of razor blades. “They’ll get what they deserve,” he says gleefully. Clutching his means for revenge, he then laughs maniacally, but softly.

We turn now to Judy, who is stomping through her front door. Her mother talks with her briefly and Judy asks if someone named Jay Jansen has called, but her mother informs her that he has not. However, good old Sal stopped by earlier to see her. Judy doesn’t seem overly thrilled at that news, but any further conversation is prevented by the ringing of the phone. Judy announces that she’ll get it and rushes to her room to answer it. “Hello, Jay?” she says when she picks it up. Wow, she sure is confident that Jay is the one on the other end of the line. It turns out, it is Jay on the phone, who asks is she is ready. She says that she is not, as she got stuck after school helping some teacher with some charitable drive for homeless people.

Jay now lays the bombshell on her: he is not taking her to the dance that evening, but to a “real” party. She seems somewhat dubious about the idea, but when he explains that dances are for “nerds,” she instantly changes her mind. God forbid you go anywhere near a nerd! Seriously, she does a complete 180 on the situation in a freakin’ heartbeat. It’s almost as if in her mind, nerds are equated with being horribly tortured to death. Then again, when they start babbling on about Dungeons & Dragons, Star Trek, their comic book and action figure collections, as well as the Babylon 5 fanfic they are writing, things can get pretty painful…or so my wife tells me when I start discussing such fun topics.

So Judy now asks who is giving the party and Jay tells her that it is a girl she probably doesn’t know named Angela. She responds by saying that the only one by that name that she is aware of, is a weird girl in her history class. Jay reveals that that Angela is the very one hosting the party. Judy doesn’t seem thrilled and describes this Angela as a real weirdo that, according to rumor, is into witchcraft and all sorts of creepy stuff. Does that include Dianetics? Cuz that is creepy. Jay tries to downplay it, saying that Angela is just a lonely misfit trying to get some attention. Judy then wants to know why he wants to go to this party and he answers, “because it is Halloween,” before rhetorically asking who would give a better party on such a date. Judy now wonders if they have to go to this shindig and he says that Max and Frannie are going, thus confirming to we the viewing audience that he would hurl himself from cliff if his peers chose to do the same.

Before going any further, it should be noted what these two are doing while talking on the phone with one another. Jay is upholding the grand tradition of product placement and is snacking on some Nabisco Vanilla Wafers, straight from the box. Boring, I know. Much more interesting is what Judy is doing. She is changing clothes and donning her Alice in Wonderland costume, which includes removing her pants and undies, affording us a brief, but nice view of her naked butt. Now this is bare ass that I can deal with!

Judy finally gives in and decides to go. She remarks that she can’t wait to meet Angela’s family, adding that they must live in a belfry. Jay now drops his second bombshell: the party is not at Angela’s house, but is in fact at Hull House. Judy isn’t happy about this turn of events, either. However, before she can bitch too much, Jay just says that he will pick her up in twenty minutes and then hangs up. What is Hull House, you ask? Is it some boating place? Is it the place down the street from Hell House, right after Hill House and Holl House? Just hang tight and all will be revealed in the fullness of time.

So Judy now strips off her sweater, revealing her boobs, though sadly, she is wearing a bra. Still, it is kind of see through, so the view isn’t totally ruined. She stands before the mirrored door to her closet, adjusts her boob tube (bra) and then opens the door. BOO! Her little brother Billy jumps out, wearing a monster mask. At least, I sure hope that is a mask. If it ain’t, I’d hate to see what their daddy looks like. So of course, Judy is startled and then annoyed by her brother’s antics. He on the other hand, finds it quite amusing. Personally, I find it quite disgusting! The thought of this little perv spying on his sister as she changes her clothes is just…unsettling. It’s bad enough that he’s at the age where a strong breeze probably induces a stiffy, but to have to satiate one’s burgeoning adolescent thrills from catching a peek of one’s naked sister? That is just wrong. He should do what I did…wait ‘til he’s in his thirties and then sneak a peek. At least then he can pass it off as pure coincidence when he’s out in the back yard, smoking a cigar and just happens to look up into the second floor window and spot his big sister walking around sans clothing. And I’m sure the huge mirror she has on her wall will make it even easier to position himself where he can continue looking and not worry about being caught. I’m just saying, is all…

So youthful Billy makes some comment about the size of Judy’s boobs and then she chases him out of the room…just in time for him to answer the front door. Apparently he was the only one who heard a knock (or the doorbell). Before opening it, he once again dons his monster mask, then throws the door open and jumps outside with a goofy roar. Alas, there is no one around. He removes the mask and looks about, somewhat perplexed. He spies another door that appears to lead to the garage and which is now open and moving as if someone just passed through it. He approaches and gradually begins to open it, trying to peer past it as he does so. Then BOO! Sal jumps out and makes him jump (and there is good chance he crapped himself as well). Sal teases Billy for jumping and alludes to the same thing I just did: poopy pants. Billy is annoyed and acts like he is going to punch Sal (seriously, what is it with this guy’s ability to engender that type of response in people?), but naturally he poses no threat to the (marginally) bigger Sal.

Sal wants Billy to go get “that pretty little piece” that he calls his sister, inform her that “handsome young Sal” has arrived and that he brought a snake for her to play with. Sheesh. Get a new line already pal. Billy then tells him that Judy is getting ready for the imminent arrival of her date and if Sal knew what was best for him, he’d scram before he got turned into a punching bag by Judy’s male friend. There are some more inane exchanges between these two where Billy refuses to call Judy, Sal grabs him by the shirt, Billy threatens to call for his mommy and other stuff. The two really seem to be operating on the same level of maturity, so why bother examining it all too closely?

Eventually Billy lets slip that his sister and her date will be attending some party. I guess he knows this from his time hiding in her closet and eavesdropping on her conversation with Jay. Sal tries to get the location of this party from Billy, but there is more idiotic banter, during which the little shit actually calls for his mother (Billy that is, not Sal). In the end, Sal tries to bribe Billy with a quarter but the kid won’t break for less than one whole dollar. Then he reveals that the party is going to be in Hull House. Of course, Sal doesn’t believe it at first but after a couple more asinine exchanges with Billy, he accepts Hull House as the answer to his question, but promises to come back and kick Billy’s “little ass” if he has been misled. With that he walks off, taking Billy’s monster mask with him.

Speaking of asses, we now get a close up one belonging to a female. This one is owned by Suzanne, who is dressed in a pink Little Bo Peep type of number and is bent over, moving her butt from side to side, affording anyone standing behind her a really good look at her panties. She is in some type of convenience store and the two dorks working behind the register are utterly enthralled by this glimpse of her anatomy. In fact, both of them are so mesmerized by the sight, that they are completely unaware of Angela taking advantage of their lack of vigilance to quickly run around the store and stuff various items into a large sack. When the bag is overloaded with stolen goods, Angela signals to Suzanne, who continues to distract the cashiers while her friend exits with the purloined products. Then Suzanne approaches the two dweebs and asks if they have sour balls. One of the answers in the affirmative, to which Suzanne says, “Too bad. I bet you don’t get many blow jobs,” before walking out the door. Many? I’m betting the only thing ever to suck either of them off is a vacuum cleaner.

For the fifth time in as many minutes, Suzanne fell
for the untied shoe laces trick.

Suzanne joins Angela outside and asks her if she has stolen enough stuff. Angela just laughs and says they need to hurry so they will not be late to their own party. As she rushes towards the car, Suzanne opens her compact and begins checking her face. When she sees this, Angela admonishes her for spending so much time in the mirror. Suzanne replies that she just wants to look good for the boys and then asks if Angela invited some cute ones to the party. Angela says that she has and reveals that she and Suzanne are going to “scare the shit out of them.” Since they are girls, this will obviously be accomplished by cozying up to the boys and expressing an interest in a long term relationship, complete with child raising and lots of discussion about feelings. There is not much that will frighten a male more than that!

We return now to Judy, who has put on her Alice in Wonderland costume and is brushing her hair before the mirror. There is a knock at her bedroom door and little brother Billy tells her that “prince charming” has arrived. Billy returns to watching cartoons on TV and we see Jay standing nearby. Jay tries to engage Billy in some small talk, but the little brat is just rude to him, questioning Jay’s real reasons for dating his sister: her personality or her big “cha cha’s.” Judy and Billy’s mother now walks in and greets Jay. She offers him a fudge log and then produces a plate that appears to be loaded with cat shit. Jay just looks at it and politely declines, citing a need to watch his weight. She tries again to get him to take one, but he refuses. Billy chimes in now, asking his mother why Jay would want one, since they look like “sun-dried poodle turds.” This seems to hurt her feelings and she turns away.

Judy has entered by this point and mutters “why me?” when witnessing that last familial exchange. Jay compliments Judy on her costume, but Billy interrupts and calls her the best Bride of Frankenstein he has ever seen. Judy just gives him an annoyed look then turns back to Jay and wonders why he is not wearing a costume. Billy butts in again and says that Jay is indeed in costume and is dressed like the Boogey Man…the pick of the litter, no less. It was at this point that I began hoping that young Billy here would be the film’s first fatality. At the very least, he should suffer the movie’s most gruesome death. Alas, there is no violent death just yet, and Jay just tries to kiss Judy, but she ushers him out the door before her mother can see. Billy gets one last smart-ass comment as they depart. You know…maybe if we’re really lucky, his mother will come over and force feed him that entire plate of cat shi…er…fudge logs. Preferably while he is tied up with barbed wire and she stands on his back in high heels.

Once Jay and Judy are out on the front porch, she apologizes for her mother’s cereal box recipes. Jay passes it off as no problem. It seems he is much more concerned about finally getting a kiss than discussing her mother’s culinary shortcomings. Judy lets him plant one on her, but reins him in before he can get too passionate. At this juncture it seems very much like Jay here might have a case of “sour balls” himself, and is looking for a way to relieve the situation. Then again, his balls might not be sour at all, and he is just looking to get laid like most guys do. Either way, I have a hunch that Judy isn’t going to give it up all that easy.

Now we jump back to Stooge, Rodger and Helen. The latter is still driving, with Rodger in the back seat examining a map and trying to help navigate. He states that whoever it was that drew the map must have been “half blind and half retarded.” In other words…your typical Insane Clown Posse fan. Stooge now calls Angela a bitch, as it was her that no doubt made the map. Helen now asks him if he became an asshole of his own free will or was he born that way. HAHAHAHA! Rodger laughs at this, but Stooge, the witty intellectual that is, just calls them “wipes” and wonders why he is even hanging out with them. He grabs the map from Rodger but just manages to tear it in two. He now calls Helen a bitch and admonishes her to “just drive.” He quickly examines the portion of the map in his hand and decides that they need to turn…now. He grabs the wheel and yanks it hard to the right. The car spins and skids, but Helen is apparently a graduate of the Highway Patrol academy’s driving class, as she easily straightens out the car without hitting anything…not even a produce stand (and you know how those things always jump right in front of cars in the movies)!

Anyway, what we can glean from that short scene is that these three clowns are also heading to Angela’s party at Hull House. Well, that and the fact that Stooge is an giant (literally) asshole and Helen can drive better than Danica Patrick.

We cut now to another house somewhere. Emerging from the inside are Max and Frannie. They quickly make their way to a car where Jay and Judy are waiting for them. Judy is glad to see them in costumes and Max jokingly says that she should not have expected to see Jay in a costume since he is “too cool” for that. The two new arrivals climb into the back seat and the car drives away.

Speaking of cars, we now see that the one carrying Stooge, Rodger and Helen has suffered a flat tire and is now stuck somewhere on the side of the road. They seem to be out in the middle of nowhere, as there are no buildings around and the crickets are chirping up a bloody storm. Helen is berating Stooge for having a spare but no tire iron. She thinks they have taken a wrong turn, expressing her belief that no one would throw a party in such an area. He says that he knows where Hull House is and it isn’t that far away, they just need to start walking. Right about now Rodger spots the headlights of an approaching car.

The vehicle in question is the one carrying Jay, Judy, Max and Frannie. It pulls to a stop and Max leans out the window, asking if they need a hand. “We sure do,” replies Rodger. Max then looks at the others in the car with him, then turns back and begins clapping his hands. “See ya!” he proclaims and then the car drives off into the night. As it vanishes, Helen wonders aloud how she was talked into this situation.

In the car with the others, Judy is voicing her opinion that they should have at least helped the trio with their flat tire. Jay passes it off as unimportant, figuring that even Stooge could change a tire. Right about now Max points to something out the window and tells Jay to stop the car. It seems they have arrived at their destination. As they roll to a stop they look off to their right and see Hull House not far away. The place sits atop a small hill and is surrounded by a tall brick fence. A single gate allows entry and egress. As the group in the car talk about the place, they conveniently drop a few facts for we the audience. It seems the place was once a funeral parlor – the biggest in four counties. Rumor states that the guy who ran the place, old man Hull himself, was guilty of necrophelia. If that was true or not, the fact remains that the Hull family met a bad end, with one family member going bonkers one Halloween night, slaughtering the entire family and then committing suicide. Afterwards, the sheer amount of spilled blood and guts made it impossible to determine which member of the family had performed the killings. Frannie gleefully says, “I can’t believe we’re going to party here,” as if the notion gets her excited. Judy replies with, “Neither can I,” but it’s obvious she is less than thrilled at the prospect.

I keep expecting the Mystery Machine to roll up at any second.

The next shot shows the car rolling up to the house. The four of them pile out and discuss how easy it was getting in, since the gate wasn’t even locked. Apparently the county used to keep it secured, but after several locks went missing, they just gave up. Frannie notes that the place doesn’t seem very lively, while Judy says that they could still make it to the dance. Then Frannie spots Max over by the fence crouched down. He’s dressed like a doctor, complete with stethoscope and is applying it to the ground. When Frannie spies him and asks what he is doing, he reveals that he is just checking on an old legend about the place.

He calls Judy over and lets her listen to the ground with the stethoscope. She listens for a few seconds, then proclaims, “water.” Max agrees, citing the presence of an underground stream. According to legends, this stream completely surrounds the property, with the large brick fence built right on top of it. Overhearing this, Jay sarcastically remarks that building a wall like that over a subterranean stream was a stroke of engineering genius (in other words, it was not). Max points out that the fence was built in such a location in order to mark where the stream is. It seems the evil spirits that haunt the land are unable to pass over running water. Frannie now suggests going inside, as it is getting chilly. Max calls for silence and wants everyone to listen. Jay says that he cannot hear anything and Max says that is exactly the point: the place is too quiet. He jokingly says that not even the crickets will come to this property. I’m betting the Amway salesmen still show up, though.

So the four of them enter the house. We get that standard interior shot that seems to pop up in any movie like this that shows a darkened foyer and the front door opening from the outside. Light pours in and the gang slowly enters with their flashlights. Frannie comments on all the dust and says that someone should call a maid. Max chimes in and says that the Hull family did have a maid and that she was killed along with the rest of the family. In fact, she was roasted in some fashion. Just lovely. As the four of them look around, Judy asks aloud if they could go home now. After a few seconds with no response from the others, she says, “I guess not.”

Jay now spots something and calls everyone over to take a look. Judy looks in his direction and when she sees what he has drawn their attention to, she intones, “Oh, my god.” Finally, we get to see it and it turns out to be a coffin. What’s the big deal? The place was a funeral home at one time after all. A car comes to a stop outside with a honk of the horn and Jay now tells everyone to hide. No doubt intending to hide within the coffin, he opens it up, but…BOO! A monster jumps out from within and startles them all so bad that Max drops the bag of food he was carrying and a can of beer rolls away. Alas, the monster turns out to be Sal, wearing the mask he took from Judy’s little brother.

Sal begins laughing and Jay is about to hit him, but Judy intervenes and tells him to stop. Jay wants to know what side she is on, but she chastises him for taking offense at Sal for jumping out and scaring them when that is exactly what he was planning to do. Sal sees the lone beer that rolled away, grabs it, opens it, takes a drink and goes to introduce himself to Max and Frannie. However, it seems Max is familiar with who he is and refers to him as “Count Dingleberry the flaming asshole of Transylvania.” Sal figures he is just sore because he lost a beer. Jay notes that Angela never told him that “this asshole was invited.” A new voice breaks in and says, “he wasn’t.”

Everyone looks to the door where Angela and Suzanne have just entered. Coming in behind them are Stooge, Rodger and Helen. Stooge says a few near unintelligible things which include the words “all,” “right,” “dude” and “party.” Then we instantly jump to a short time later when the place has been lit up with lots of candles, the party decorations and food have been set out and the music has been kicked into gear. Rodger and Stooge enter, carrying something large and ask Sal where they should place it. However, Sal completely ignores them as he is suffering from the same affliction that struck those two dorks at the convenience store: his eyes are transfixed by Suzanne’s shaking ass. She is standing before the fireplace, dancing, gyrating and bending over, giving all the boys a good look at her legs, thighs and posterior.

Elsewhere, Judy is trying to light some candles with a lighter and is having no luck at all. Angela then glides up in her creepy black wedding dress costume and lights them for her. Judy thanks her and leaves the lighter on the table, but Angela, in that snide, dismissive and condescending voice that damn near every teenaged girl has mastered, tells her that she should not leave it there or else she might offend the spirits. After Angela walks away, Judy picks up the lighter, thinks about it for a moment and then decides to pocket it after talking briefly with Frannie.

Across the room, Suzanne is still dancing before the fire, only now she has bent her ass towards Max and is moving it back and forth in a display guaranteed to give most guys more wood than a lumber yard. Frannie appears with a beer and says it will help cool him down (only if he uses it to rub his crotch). Helen then starts up the strobe light she claims to have found in her mother’s closet. As the lights begin to rapidly flicker on and off, Suzanne jumps up and down and proclaims, “Far fucking out!” Yeah, a real deep one, that girl. Everyone begins dancing at this point and they all seem to be having a grand time. That is, until Suzanne dances close to Jay and distracts him from Judy. Suzanne moves away, but Jay decides to follow her across the room, leaving Judy alone. BAD move, dude. Bad move. By his behavior earlier with Judy, this guy was obviously expecting to get laid, but going by what he just did, if Suzanne doesn’t let him park his sports car in her garage, then he ain’t getting a damn thing tonight.

The festivities are now interrupted by the sudden loss of tunes. Sal asks if anyone has ever heard of Duracell, but Stooge claims to have put fresh batteries in the tape player just that morning. Angela says that they can dance later, but now it is time for some party games. Of course, her idea of a party game is to conduct a séance. I guess that is better than a live sacrifice! Helen thinks that a séance may be little “chancy” since it is Halloween, the night all the “creepy things” are supposed to stalk the Earth. No, Hon, that would be Earth First day, with the legion of tree-hugging hippies that haven’t bathed since the Nixon administration marching up and down waving their banners and wearing their hemp jackets. Still, she is worried about what they could possibly dredge up, especially in Hull House. Frannie suggests a past life séance where they would all stare into a mirror and see their past selves. Stooge wonders what kind of drugs they will need for that while Suzanne offers the use of her compact’s mirror. However, Angela tells her that they’d need a mirror of adequate size so that they all could look in at once. Unperturbed by the comment, Suzanne takes advantage of her compact being out to look in the mirror and check her face.

At this point an odd sound like someone moaning emanates from deeper in the house, like a lost soul on the crapper after having devoured an entire block of cheese. Rodger wonders aloud what the sound is. Stooge thinks they should check it out, so he grabs Rodger and pushes him through the doorway, following immediately afterwards. After they have vanished from sight there is a prolonged scream in the distance and then silence. Everyone just stands there, staring at the doorway. Suddenly Rodger hauls ass back into the room, looking as white as a sheet. Well, he looks as pale as a black guy can get. It’s obvious that he has seen something that has seriously unsettled him. I’m guessing Stooge dropped his pants again, only this time he managed to include his enormous orange shorts and poor Rodg got an unwanted glimpse of his colossal white ass cheeks. Speaking of Stooge, he now appears in the doorway and says that the others will not believe what he has found.

“Yo, dudes! I’m so drunk, I just mistook the arboretum for
the bathroom and totally crapped in a flower pot.”

What did he find you’re now asking? A stash of rotting corpses? A gateway to some hellish dimension? Jimmy Hoffa? Well, it’s none of those things. Nope, what he found was a full length mirror. Yes, you heard me…a mirror. It was just a mirror that filled Rodger with terror. How could a mirror frighten him so? I’m guessing he saw his reflection and decided that a pirate costume was just not working for him. Anyway, everyone is now examining the mirror. Angela thinks that it is perfect for their séance needs. Helen is beginning to think that this is not such a good idea after all. Frannie points out that it is “just a mirror” and asks what harm can it do. That last bit from her has of course, sealed all of their dooms. She might as well have stuck her head in a lion’s mouth and then used her feet to kick him in the balls. At least then she’d have a better shot at surviving until the next day. Now, she and the others are just flat out screwed.

The next thing you know, the entire group is sitting on the floor before the mirror, staring slack-jawed into it like a pack of five-year olds eyeing a box of powdered donuts. Ok, so maybe that isn’t true. It’s more like some of them are looking at it with mild interest and others are gazing about the room, clearly bored out of their minds. Rodger, however is sitting by the fireplace and facing away from the mirror, almost as if he expects Tim Curry to step out of it at any second. Angela explains that things should go really easy. They just look at her reflection until the mirror clouds up all black, and when it clears again, they will see what she looked like in a past life. She exhorts them all to concentrate, but some of the guys are joking around too much to take things too seriously. Eventually they all quiet down and after a few seconds, the mirror does indeed go all black.

This does not last very long, though, as someone shouts out “Holy shit” at this development and breaks everyone’s concentration, thus severing the spell. Angela begins chewing them out and everyone looks away from the mirror, so no one sees the monstrous face that now appears there. After a few seconds, Helen turns to look again and sees the hideous visage, along with the image of a dead woman that eerily resembles herself. Naturally, upon catching a glimpse of these things, she screams (673 KB). Loudly. The mirror tips over and shatters. Everyone thinks that Helen has done this on purpose and they begin berating her for it. No one is observant enough to see that the girl is huddled in a ball crying, obviously scared out of her wits. Well, no one but Judy. She tries to get some answers from Helen while Stooge and the others hurl insults. Eventually Helen screams that she saw a face. Jay chalks it up to Sal in his stolen monster mask, but Sal denies having had it on. Suzanne points out that whether Helen saw something or not, their little game with the mirror is now over.

There is a very interesting shot as the group discusses things. We see the pieces of the broken mirror scattered on the floor. The gang stands over them and each person can be seen in a different shard of glass. Foreshadowing that this group will soon be split up…permanently? Your guess is as good as mine…unless you’re Kevin Tenney of course. Then you’d just know. Anyhow, I thought it was kinda cool.

Just then a distant banging sound can be heard (maybe that lost soul on the crapper trying to pass a block of cheese is need of more toilet paper or something). Stooge grins and says, “Oh, no. Here we go again.” Jay figures it is just somebody else in the house, making noise. He asks Angela if she invited anyone else to this shindig, but she just shakes her head no. Suzanne says, “Some cute boys I hope.” Is that all she thinks about? Sheesh! Now comes a sound like someone either moving heavy furniture or engaging in Klingon sex. Judy stares at the floor and notes that the sounds seems to be coming from the basement. Doesn’t it always? Creepy sounds either come from the basement or the attic. They never originate in any other part of the house. You never hear anyone say, “That ungodly sound is coming from the bathroom!” Well, unless you grew up in my house and were subjected to my mom’s quiche on a regular basis, you wouldn’t hear those words.

The camera tilts down to show us the floor and then slowly becomes a shot of the ceiling in the basement. The camera continues to pan down and we see a furnace, which is most likely where dead bodies were cremated in times past. We slowly zoom in on the furnace door as the banging sounds from within it continue. Then the door swings open and we catch a brief glimpse of the same demon face that appeared earlier in the mirror. There is a monstrous groan and then a POV shot that shows us that something is within the furnace and is moving to exit. Once it has emerged from its resting place, it suddenly launches into rapid motion and zooms through the house in a sequence that reminds me of the Evil Dead films. This demon eye point-of-view comes complete with heavy breathing and gasping as it rapidly makes its way through the house. Either that or it was the sound of the poor cameraman as he ran his ass off trying to get those shots.

The invisible presence now enters the room where the group of morons is still standing around and talking. It moves around, looking at them while they comment on the sudden draft as well as the fart-like odor that has wafted into the room. The only one not joining in on the discussion is Suzanne, who is too busy looking into her mirror and applying lipstick. The invisible presence launches itself at her open mouth and when we drop the POV shot for one of little Suzy, her eyes have opened wide in surprise and we see the last whiffs of some spectral gas as it zooms into her mouth (achieved by having Linnea Quigley blow smoke and then running said footage in reverse). The fire in the fireplace flares for an instant, but no one has noticed anything different. Observant, these people are decidedly not.

Angela is now complaining that she does not like what has just transpired. The now-possessed Suzanne asks her what she means and Miss Goth talks about the three sounds they heard, the awful stink and then the chill. She claims that these are all signs of demonic infestation. And here I was, thinking it was a sign that a flatulent Frosty the Snowman had covertly entered the abode. Naturally, this pronouncement (about demonic infestation, not farting Frosty) evokes laughs and derision from some of the others. Stooge thinks Angela is just trying to frighten them and suggests the strange activity is a result of Rodger having too many beers and letting loose with some odd farts. Rodger, for his part, still does not look like he is happy to be in the house. He takes this moment to reveal that his daddy was a preacher and he knows better than to fool around with this sort of thing. Calling the place a “house of the dead,” he says he is getting out now before it is too late.

Rodger walks towards the door, but before he gets more than a few steps, Frannie calls out for everyone to take a whiff of some new smell permeating the room. No, she hasn’t decided to cut the cheese and subject the others to her aromas. Rather, the new fragrance floating through the air smells like roses and Max takes this as a sign that multiple ghosts haunt the place…because everyone knows how each and every ghost has a unique signature scent that precedes them into a room. The fart scent? Obviously a male ghost. The rosy smell? That has to be some female ghost. Or a gay male ghost. Now there is a thought! Imagine your house being haunted by a gay ghost. Not only would you see a shadowy form sashaying around the house with its hands on its hips, but before vanishing into thin air the apparition could dispense vital decorating and fashion advice!

The short-lived singing duo Pinky and the Goth on
the set of their one and only music video.

Angela now chimes in and says that it is not ghosts they are dealing with, nor is the place haunted. According to her, Hull House is possessed. What is the difference you ask? Well, lucky for us Judy now asks the same thing. Angela explains that a haunted house is filled with ghosts – the spirits of people who have died. However, the spirits inhabiting a possessed house have never existed in Human form. They are demons and according to Miss Encyclopedia Satannica, they are pure evil…so I guess that means they’re responsible for things like Barney and the Teletubbies.

Stooge and Sal make more jokes, the latter calling the place “re-possessed.” We then see Suzanne and she suddenly blurts out, “For tonight, anyway.” Ooooh! Scary! They don’t realize it, but the demon within her has just revealed that for this one night, the property is under new management! Judy now suggests that they do like Rodger and leave, but the others seem interested in staying and whooping it up some more. Suzanne says that they should not put a stop to the fun just because one loser wants to leave. Helen now pipes in and announces that she wants to leave as well. Since neither of them drove, Rodger points out that they will need a ride. Stooge reminds him that his car is in ditch and is of no use. Suzanne then throws them Angela’s car keys and tells them to take Angela’s vehicle. When Angela flies off the handle at this notion, Suzanne tells her to chill out, since it is her party and she isn’t going anywhere. Rodger thanks Suzanne, but the possessed girl says that she doesn’t care if he is a chickenshit and wants to bail. She sarcastically reminds them to open the gate before driving through it. As Rodger and Helen head for the door, Judy tells them to drive safely.

With the two resident chickenshits having departed, the remainder of the group now does the next best thing, aside from entering the house in the first place, which is guaranteed to lead to an early, and more importantly, ghastly, demise: they split up. Of course, both you and I saw that one coming. People outfitted with blindfolds and pushed out into freeway traffic while wearing roller skates have a lower mortality rate than these folks. Hell, people on death row have a better shot than these dolts.

Jay, Judy, Max and Frannie set off to explore in one direction while Suzanne announces that she intends to find the bathroom. Sal offers to go with her, but she says that she would rather take Stooge along. When Sal points out that Stooge is a “fat pig,” she counters by saying she might be in the mood for pork. HAHA! Before leaving, Suzanne walks up to Angela and snogs her hard and fast, leaving Stooge and Sal to look on in amazement. While the two are liplocked, the fire flares again and we get one of those weird shots achieved by zooming the camera in on the pair of ladies while simultaneously moving it backwards from them (or vice versa). I think they are sometimes called a dolly zoom shot. This, along with the fire, tells us that there has been a transfer of demonic energy from Suzanne to Angela via the kiss. And you thought getting Mono was bad!

Once the chick-on-chick kiss has been delivered, Suzanne saunters off down a darkened hall, proclaiming that she is into all sorts of things on this night. Stooge eagerly follows (no doubt hoping to get into her in more ways that one), promising to “hold hers’ if she holds his. Alone with Angela, Sal is left in amazement, which he displays by muttering, “I don’t f*ckin’ believe it!” Neither do I pal! Neither do I. Angela looks at him and smiles the smile of a cat that is about to commence playing with a mouse before slaughtering it.

Elsewhere in Hull House, Jay, Judy, Max and Frannie are exploring a room that might be where dead folks were embalmed or otherwise prepared for burial and/or cremation. Max says that this reminds him of a story. Jay isn’t sure he wants to hear it and says they’ve heard enough stories for one night, but Judy wants to hear the tale and we all know women always get their way. Max agrees to relate the story, but Jay looks about as happy at the prospect as a man awaiting a colonoscopy from an epileptic with sandpaper gloves.

In some other place in the house, Stooge and Suzanne are searching for the bathroom. Stooge is voicing his concern for locating it quickly, or else as he puts it, he will be watering the hall. He tries one door but it is locked. She tells him to try the door on the opposing wall and sure enough, the crapper lies beyond this one. He wonders how she knew where it was, but she responds by quickly entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind her, leaving him alone in the hall…presumably to piss in his drawers. He knocks on the door, but gets no response. After a few seconds he hears an odd sound and slowly begins making his way further down the hallway. He approaches an open doorway that has some tattered remnants of cloth hanging from the top of the door frame. As he peers through and into the room, there is a sudden gush of wind. This takes him by surprise and he nearly craps in his pants (it would have been a shame, too with the bathroom so close). He calms himself by muttering “shit” several times.

Returning to Jay, Judy, Max and Frannie, we see them sitting on a pair of what looks like medical tables – the type made of metal and possessing wheels. Max is going on about the history of the land on which they are now occupying. It seems that in days long past, long before white settlers came westward, the Indians (Native Americans to you moronic politically correct types) refused to set foot past the underground creek, calling this parcel of land unclean. Local lore has it that one young Indian brave got lost and, along with his family, settled on the land by mistake. Three weeks later they (they being other Indians presumably) found him sitting under a TeePee he had fabricated from his squaw’s intestines and chewing on the leg of his papoose. This last details seems to gross out both Frannie and Judy. For those of you not in the know, a squaw is an Indian women or wife and a papoose is the term for a baby or young child. Thus, we can see why the two girls are grossed out by Max’s tale.

While the four of them sit there after having heard the story, Jay now gestures very subtly to Max, the message being clear: time for you two to get lost. Indeed, the time has come for Jay to put the moves on Judy and try to get laid (which we all know ain’t gonna happen), so he needs to be alone with her. Understanding perfectly, Max now announces that the time has arrived for he and Frannie to do some exploring on their own…no doubt to find their own private place to engage in some Boom Boom. With that they are up, and after a couple of last quips, they are out of the room, the door closed behind them.

“What? Of course this flashlight is not compensating for anything!”

Jay comes up behind Judy, wraps his arms around her and squeezes her boobs. “Well, Alice…it looks like we’re all alone in wonderland.” Who said romance was dead? Judy is quite obviously not reciprocating his feelings, so he asks her what is wrong. She says “not here” and explains that “this place” is too creepy. He replies by saying that that is the whole point and she should be jumping into his arms. She turns and hugs him, saying, “Just hold me.” Ugh. Guys, you know what that one means. Apparently Jay does, too, as his face (among other things) falls flat with disappointment. Not only did the chances of Boom Boom just fall dramatically, but she is obviously the type of chick that wants to cuddle after sex rather than falling instantly asleep. After all that work, we guys just wanna snooze!

Now we turn our attention to outside, where party deserters Rodger and Helen are walking around the huge brick wall that surrounds the property and are desperately trying to find the gate that leads out. Rodger is positive that they came through a gate on their way in, so if they just keep following the wall, they will eventually locate it. Helen tells him to not bother. They’ve already been around the entire wall twice and have not found anything. To her the answer is clear: all of them have died and are now in hell. Rodger does not buy into that theory and tells her to shut her mouth if she is going to start talking crazy. He turns back to the big brick wall and hits it a few more times with his fists, trying to locate an exit (either that or Diagon Alley).

A few quiet seconds elapse before he realizes that he is now alone. He turns around and looks, but Helen is nowhere in sight. He calls to her but there is no reply. He wonders aloud where she might have gone and produces a small flashlight that he then uses to scan the immediate area. Naturally, there is no one nearby. Then he damn near jumps out of his skin when a creepy female voice begins calling his name in a low whisper. It is accompanied by a sound very much like that of a creaky door opening and closing. Realizing that his situation has gone from crappy to utterly shitty, he cries out “heaven help me.” The voice now becomes louder and decidedly less female and much more angry. This prompts Rodger to turn, run to the nearest car (Angela’s) and dive into it. He slides onto the passenger seat and just sits there, huddled down as if trying to hide.

Returning to Jay and Judy, we see that they are laying on one of those medical tables and engaged in a lot of kissing, complete with heavy breathing and slurping sounds. Still, for as much as Judy seems to be into the moment, she eventually pushes him away, not wanting things to go any further. At least not here. Jay tries to reassure her by stating that he knows that she “has done this before.” She asks for more details and he says that he noticed how she jumped to Sal’s aid earlier and that he knows all about the two of them. Now she asks what he claims to know and he ultimately tells her that he is aware that she went out with Sal. She seems perturbed, since she only went out with Sal once, but Jay thinks this means she banged him. Judy realizes that this assumed sexual activity on her part is the only reason Jay wanted to go out with her. He tries to pass it off, saying she wanted it as much as he did and then attempts to kiss her again. She responds by pushing him into the floor.

He picks himself up, tells her to have it her way and then firmly declares that he is outta there. He grabs the flashlight and exits the room, ignoring her calls. He closes the door, but when she grabs the knob just a split second later, the door refuses to open. She yanks and pulls on it something fierce, but it will not yield. She calls his name one last time and then props herself against the door, the moonlight illuminating the room. I have to say, either the moon is about a hundred yards right outside the window or there is a spotlight directed at the house because that is the brightest moonlight I have ever seen in my life.

Speaking of trying to get doors open, we return to Stooge, who remains in the hallway outside the bathroom and apparently still has to pee really bad. He is banging on the door and exhorting Suzanne to open up. “Damn it bitch, come on!” He hollers. Yep, that guy has a real persuasive way with words. His charm must have the ladies lining right up. Inside the bathroom, possessed Suzanne is swaying before the mirror. When she gazes up into it, we see her face swelling and stretching like she is having a bad reaction to a bee sting or something she ate. A close-up further reveals that her face has taken on an all new fugly look to it.

Not desiring to wait any longer and run the risk of wetting himself, Stooge busts the door open after hearing the sound of breaking glass. He rushes inside and finds the mirror on the far wall cracked, as if someone just planted their fist in the middle of it. However, the bathroom is curiously empty. Suddenly the door slams shut behind him. He calls to Suzanne, gets no answer and then pulls the door open again. Outside is nothing but an empty hallway. He calls her a bitch and then returns to the bathroom, presumably to finally relieve his bloated bladder.

Now we see Sal, who is alone with Angela. Looking somewhat bored, he asks her what the f*ck she is doing. She responds with, “Blessed be the sinners, for the Day of Atonement is at hand.” Uh huh. When freaky Goth chicks start spouting stuff like that, you know the evening has gone down the bowl and it is time to get the hell out of dodge. Angela now stands before the fireplace, removes her black wedding veil and begins moving around, as if dancing. She holds the veil over her head a few times and moves around some more, taking a few steps towards one side of the room. Then she drops to all fours and crawls back towards the center of the room. Suddenly the boom box flares to life, filling the room with music and startling Sal. As the music plays, Angela continues to move around on the floor, touching herself, exposing lots of skin and otherwise doing her best Madonna impression. Sal just sits and watches the show.

After a while of this, Angela now stands and continues the performance on her feet, twirling in circles and lifting her dress high enough to show off her lingerie. The strobe light that Helen brought now starts up by itself. Angela dances some more. And some more. And then some more. Seriously, it seemed like she was jumping around forever and the movie was transitioning into some strange performance art film, but I guess it was only a minute or so. Eventually, Sal decides that things have gotten a little too weird for his tastes and he begins to back out of the room.

Stooge literally appears out of nowhere behind him and announces that he is back. Seeing Angela dancing around, he takes a step in her direction, but Sal cautions him to be wary, as Angela is acting “really fuckin’ weird.” Stooge passes it off and heads over to where Angela has now slowed to a stop, the music having ended for the moment. Sal sticks around long enough to see Stooge take Angela by the hands, then departs for places unknown.

Holding Angela’s hands, Stooge playfully asks if she comes here often. Then he pulls her close for a slow dance, the requisite music having started up again. She looks him in the eye and informs him that she never realized how sexy he was(!). “Kiss me,” she says. Thinking things are going his way, Stooge grins, moves closer and locks lips with her. The camera spins around them as they snog, like something one would see in a cheap romance movie, but it’s just mere seconds before it is apparent that something is very, very wrong. Stooge flinches and tries to pull away, but Angela holds on to him and continues to snog him. There is a disgusting slurping sound in addition to Stooge’s muffled cries of pain.

Finally, she pushes him to the floor. He stumbles to his feet, both his hands held over his face. Blood is pouring out of his mouth like a freakin’ fountain and when he looks at her in pain and horror, she smiles and then spits out his severed tongue, which she had bitten off during their protracted kiss. Her teeth are now quite ragged and her eyes are yellow in color. I think it is safe to say that Stooge is not gonna get laid tonight! In fact I think it is safe to say that his chances of surviving the next few moments are pretty damn slim. That of course, would be the only slim thing about him.

“Thun of a bithch! I think I juthst bit my tongue!!”

We turn our attention back to Sal, who has wandered through the house and found the bathroom recently used by Stooge. I’m guessing that this house is probably the size of the Pentagon, cuz there is no way Sal could fail to hear Stooge’s cries of pain unless he was a considerable distance away. Inside the bathroom, Sal sees Suzanne, sitting down and facing away from him. He notices that the light is on and asks her about it. She just answers, “I’m fixing my face.” When she turns to look at him, we see that her features are back to their normal, un-swollen look…but she has taken her lipstick and extended its application from her lips to make a complete circle around her face. Seeing this, Sal mutters, “Not you, too,” and questions whether or not everyone in the house is on drugs or something. He tells Suzanne that she and her friend Angela are both good-looking babes, but they are just too weird for him.

He moves like he is turning to go, but she extends her hand with the lipstick and implores, “I can’t seem to get it right.” He tells her “No thanks” and says that he is going to head home. When she informs him that he is home, he replies by saying that this dirty dive of a house is no home to him. He lives in a nice house – the type with plastic slips over the furniture! HA! He bids her goodnight and walks away. Alone, Suzanne looks at her reflection in a piece of broken mirror for a few seconds and then regards her lipstick. An idea seems to come her way and she reaches up and rips open her dress, tearing the buttons away and pulling back either side to expose her boobs (and what great looking boobs they are!). Then she looks at her lipstick again and smiles.

Now we cut away to Max and Frannie, who have found a room with coffins and stained glass windows. Maybe this was a viewing area for the dead folks or a place where memorials were held. Either way, I half expected The Tall Man to walk out from behind a curtain and sneer, “Boy!” Max is surprised that all the stuff is still there. She thinks it’s quite creepy, but he says he will protect her. She smiles, then wraps her arms around him and pulls him in for a kiss, asking who is going to protect him. He points out that he has never “made it” in a coffin before.

Made it? I had not realized that such an archaic euphemism for sex was still in use when I was a teen (I was nineteen the year this film came out). None of my friends used it. Then again, few if any of them, were getting laid. I certainly wasn’t. Still, it seems the sort of term better suited for an earlier era, like the 60’s or even 50’s. In my day we were more likely to say, “I’ve never done it in a coffin.” However, like I said, I wasn’t doing it at all, so don’t take my word for it. Anyway, Frannie reveals that she has not had sex in such a spot either. “What are we waiting for?” He asks. Laughing, the two begin to disrobe.

We now return to Suzanne. I know we have only been gone for a few seconds, but that was long enough for the FX guys to come in and place actress Linnea Quigley behind a prosthetic mock-up of her own breasts. I have to say, the thing looks pretty darn real. It sure fooled my eyes when I first saw this movie back in the 80’s. Then again, my experience with real boobies was quite limited in those days (read: non-existent), so it’s easy to see why I was so easily misled into thinking these boobs were real. Plus, there is just a certain way Quigley is sitting in this scene that makes it obvious that the boobs in front of her are not her own.

Anyway, prepare to see something that you just don’t see everyday…and it ain’t Rush Limbaugh endorsing Barack Obama. As she sits there, Suzanne takes her lipstick and slowly runs it down between her breasts, starting at her neck and then looping around her left boob. As she makes a slow circular pattern, drawing ever closer to the areola and the nipple, the camera slowly zooms in, knowing that this is something the audience just has to see up close. Finally, with the tip of her lipstick touching her nipple, she pushes it straight into her breast. Yes, you heard me right! She pushes the whole thing right into her breast and it disappears without a single drop of blood. When she pulls her hand away, we see that her breast still looks normal…or as normal as the prosthetic will allow.

Long about now, Jay comes walking down the hall. He peers into the bathroom, sees Suzanne and inquires into what she is doing. She just smiles and pulls back her dress some more, affording him a good look at those gorgeous gazongas. “Nice paint job,” he says when seeing the lipstick on her skin. He proceeds to enter the room and says something about her boobs needing a touch up. I assume he is volunteering for the job. Once he is inside, he now notices that the lights are on. He asks her when this happened, but gets no answer. With him standing before her, she reaches over and unzips his pants. This prompts him to drop his flashlight and mutter something near unintelligible. Then again, the prospect of being on the receiving end of imminent oral sex from a hot chick transforms most guys into raving idiots. At least, more so than they already are.

I hope you dudes out there didn’t get your hopes up for seeing oral sex being simulated, because now the movie turns back to Sal, who is stomping through the house, heading for the front door. When he passes by the room with the fireplace, he stops and tells Angela that he is leaving. Angela is sitting before the fire with her back to him. When she hears him she turns her head and says, “Oh there you are. I was just warming my hands in the fire.” With that she turns her whole body, withdraws her hands from the fire and holds them up for him to see. Naturally, they look quite burnt. Sal gapes in horrified disgust as she brandishes her burning hands in the air. “Holy shit!” He proclaims then hauls ass to the front door. Alas, it won’t open, no matter how hard he pulls on it. Angela now rises to her feet, walks towards him and asks if he is leaving so soon. Unable to get the door open, Sal now turns and hauls ass down the hall, around a bend and vanishes into the depths of the house, no doubt in an attempt at finding another exit.

“Yo! The bathroom is all outta ass wiping paper, the beers have all
gone warm and the chips are stale. I’m bailin’ cuz this party sucks ass.”

Returning once again outside, we see Rodger still huddled in Angela’s car. It looks like the poor guy has fallen asleep. He wakes up when the car shakes, as if some super fat person just rested their foot on one of the bumpers. Apparently Rodger has come to the same conclusion and believes that it is Stooge that has made the vehicle shake. He calls out to his overweight pal saying, “Only a fat slob like you could shake this car so much.” There is of course, no answer. So Rodger leans forward and gazes out the large forward windshield. Then SPLAT. Helen’s face lands on the glass, sending blood squirting in all directions (641 KB) . Rodger screams and rapidly exits the car. As he does so, we see Helen’s body atop the vehicle, as if someone or something had tossed her up there.

Now we jump back to the bathroom with Jay and Suzanne. At first all we see is her feet, with the dainty white socks and pink shoes that she is wearing. Then each leg lifts as her panties drop to the ground and come off. Next we Jay, who is in the process of removing his outer shirt. I guess when she unzipped his pants, she wasn’t about to blow him after all. Still, it is obvious that he is about to get lucky…or so she wants him to think. Another shot of her feet shows that her slip has been removed. Then we get a full body shot of her where we get a peek at the almighty bush when she lifts up the edge of her dress. Holding her dress up so we get a nice long view of her rug, she saunters over to Jay, who has reclined on the floor and is now lying on his back. She straddles him and lowers herself down. CONTACT!

The Boom Boom is now in full swing…er…bounce…er…whatever. We get close-ups of both their faces as they writhe around in pleasure. Then Suzanne looks down at Jay and asks him what he is looking at. She wonders if her make-up is ok (she is still sporting the Helen Keller lipstick look). In a voice that sounds like it is on the verge of tears she tells him to stop staring at her, then tilts her head back so he cannot see her face. He is quite perplexed and doesn’t understand her problem. He thinks her make-up looks fine. Indeed, it is not her face that he is doing business with at the moment. He asks what she is worried about. Ok…raise your hand if you know that something very bad is about to happen. Ok, hands down.

So at this point Suzanne tilts her head back down and we (and poor, poor, Jay) see that her face has now changed…and for the worse. Her eyes have gone all yellow, just like Angela’s did earlier. Her teeth look like a dental hygienist’s worst nightmare and I’m sure she could bite through a brick with those things. Her skin…well, her skin is now dotted with what can only be called demonic zits. Basically, she looks very gross. Naturally, Jay recoils when he catches sight of her new look. “Stop looking at me,” she snarls in a voice that sounds like Darth Vader after ten packs of cigarettes. She reaches out her hands to him, but he grabs her arms and tries to fight her off. Alas, her hellish strength is too much and she manages to get her hands on his face. Then she buries her thumbs in his eyes sockets and pushes until his eyeballs pop, sending streams of bloody goo spurting into the air. Watch this scene (2.98 MB).

Now this is where my own twisted imagination comes into play. Even though she is popping his eyeballs as if they were gigantic zits, it is still apparent that they were in the middle of sexual intercourse when she decided to go all demon on his ass. This means that there are other parts of their bodies that are still connected, right? Now I know the film doesn’t imply this, but in my mind, as she is digging her thumbs into his eyes, I imagined rows of hideous teeth springing into place around her YooHoo and then with a tightening of the muscles, she’d chomp his tallywacker right off. How is that for nightmare imagery? And yes, I know the Japanese have made films with such elements in them. If that won’t scare a guy into celibacy, I don’t know what will.

Jay’s final scream reverberates through the house, but the only one who seems to hear it is Judy, who is still propped up against the door Jay exited through a short while ago. She just continues to stand there like an idiot.

Then we jump over to Max and Frannie, who are gettin’ it on inside a coffin. The coffin is sitting up high on something, so they are actually at about waist level. They have assumed the same position that Jay and Suzanne did, with Max on his back in the casket and Frannie riding him. She sits up and asks, “What was that?” I guess she heard Jay’s last scream, too. It really does not matter, because by sitting up, she is giving the audience a great look at her boobs. Yowza, what a pair. Max just passes the sound off as some party games unfolding elsewhere in the house, then goes back to positioning himself better. Frannie says that she doesn’t bend that way and he claims that their current location is worse than his brother’s Volkswagon for sex purposes.

As they continue to awkwardly screw in the coffin, a figure approaches in the darkness. It is Stooge, but we cannot see his face. Neither can Max and Frannie for that matter. He just notices someone standing nearby and tells Stooge to get the “F” out. Stooge now walks forward into the light and everyone sees that his face is now sporting the accepted look for those possessed by demons: jagged teeth, yellow eyes, pale complexion and hideous acne. His voice seems to have dropped about five octaves as well. He growls at them, since he can no longer talk (no tongue, remember?). Frannie screams when she sees him draw near. To shut her up, Stooge reaches out, grabs her head and twists it, snapping her neck. Max yells out “No!” as Stooge allows Frannie’s still form to flop over onto him. Max then hollers “No!” a few more times as Stooge grabs the coffin’s lid and begins to close it. Max grabs Stooge by the shirt in an effort to stop him, but the fat bastard begins slamming the lid down on Max’s extended arm. One! Two! Three! Four! Five times he slams the lid with all his strength, as Max screams from within the coffin. Watch this scene (1.62 MB).

Now Frannie could honestly boast of riding a stiffie inside a coffin
without the stigma of necrophelia haunting her for years to come.

Turning now to good old Rodger, we see him walking somewhere in the house. He appears scared out of his mind and looks like he is about to drop a load in his pants at any moment. Angela’s voice then rings out, welcoming him back. He turns around and there she is right behind him, in all her demon-look splendor. She laughs, and it sounds more like Jabba the Hutt on steroids than anything else. Rodger now does what any rational, sane person would do at this point. Yep, he engages in the time-honored practice of running like hell!

He barely gets a few feet and rounds a corner when he collides with Sal. Not stopping to offer any explanations for his flight, he keeps running. He rounds another bend and reaches a closed door. He tries to open it but naturally, it is locked. Sal now comes up behind him and in a near panic, Rodger tells him that there is something wrong with Angela. Sal says that he knows that there is some “real weird shit going on around here.” Rodger then reveals that something has happened to Helen. Sal inquires into what exactly befell her, but Rodger just repeats over and over that he doesn’t know as he begins to cry like a bitch. Sal tries to tell him that it is ok and they will get out. He gets Rodger to shut the hell up, then they ease back to the hallway corner. Angela can be seen around the bend, at the other end, as they hide.

Finally, it is time to get back to Judy. She is still by the door where we left her, only now she has slumped down on the floor and has fallen asleep. The moonlight continues to shine through the window at about fifteen million candlepower. As she sleeps, the doorknob begins to turn, like there is someone on the other side trying to open it. A quick cutaway shows us that it is Stooge attempting to gain access to the room. She calls out to Jay, thinking that it may be him (she probably is also under the foolish idea that he has returned to apologize. Yeah right!). However, neither she nor Stooge can get the door to open. He then hears Sal and Rodger’s voices nearby and walks off. With it all quiet again, Judy slides back to a seated position on the floor.

For two people that are supposed to be looking for a way out and evading freaky Angela at the same time, Sal and Rodger are making enough noise to rival a kaiju attack on downtown Tokyo. I’m sure every disembodied spirit in the house knows their exact location. Rodger desperately wants to leave and Sal is threatening to visit violence upon his person if he doesn’t settle down and relax. At this point, Judy must hear all the racket they are making, because she bangs on the door and calls out for help. Sal tells her to stand back from the door, but Rodger is a little suspicious, wondering if it really is Judy on the other side. Sal ignorantly asks him who else it could be, then kicks the door in. For a few brief seconds there is no movement at all (though a view from the hall makes the room look positively dark, and not illuminated by the fifteen million candlepower moonlight like it was just seconds ago), then Judy comes hurtling through the door to wrap Sal in a desperate and thankful embrace.

At this point Rodger turns and sees freaky Angela coming down the hall. Well, it’s more like she is floating down the hall (370 KB), but her long dress makes it hard to see her feet and any possible skateboard utilized to achieve this effect. Rodger wastes no time at all and throws himself into a run in the opposite direction. He does not even bother to shout a warning to Sal or Judy. The only inkling they have that something is amiss is his sudden flight from the area. Noticing him gone, they peek around the corner and see Angela cruising in their direction, uttering soft growls as she approaches. The sight of possessed Angela must induce some sort of temporary paralysis, as Judy has difficulty moving. Sal tries to get her to move, but she claims that she can’t. With Angela almost on top of them – and with her arms held wide as if to embrace them – Sal grabs Judy and pulls her through a door into a nearby room…but not the one in which Judy was just trapped. Sal slams the door shut and he and Judy huddle quietly.

Angela comes floating down the hall, turns the corner and advances down the hallway containing the room where Sal and Judy are hiding. She looks around, but doesn’t make a move toward the door in question. Within the room, Sal notices a window and runs over and tries to open it. The lights flicker on at this point and we realize that this is the bathroom! There in the corner is a now normal-looking Suzanne, cradling the eye-less corpse of Jay. Upon spying this, Judy lets out a gasp. Sal turns around to look and Suzanne proposes an orgy. She goes to say that if they try, they can surely get Jay hard again. I don’t know, the guy looks pretty stiff to me!

Sal yells for Judy to run, but being blonde, she is naturally slow on the uptake. This gives Suzanne time to jump to her feet. Now sporting her Demon face, she lunges at Judy, but Sal grabs her by the shoulder and pulls her back. Suzanne now turns on him and belts him, sending the poor schmuck right through the window. This exchange gives Judy the time she needs to open the door and exit the room as rapidly as she can. As she flies out of the room and down the hall, Suzanne taunts her, having resumed her normal appearance.

Judy stumbles down the hall and tries another door, but as she opens it, it flies from her grasp and slams shut. Doors all up and down the hall now begin to open and slam shut on their own. Then with a thud, all the activity ceases, leaving Judy alone in a dark hall. She stands there breathing heavily for a few seconds, then notices light at one end and runs in that direction. It is coming from the one open door, so she races through and shuts it.

I’ll give you one guess as to where she is now. Yup, she is now in the room with the coffins where Max and Frannie experienced some really bad sex. As she stands there, collecting herself, Judy shines her flashlight on the floor and sees a severed arm. This no doubt belongs to Max and is the result of the Demonified Stooge slamming the casket lid on his appendage over and over again. Judy lets out a gasp when she sees the arm and backs away from it, so she is now standing against one of the coffins. The arm comes to life (1.03 MB) and flies across the room to grab hold of her ankle. This of course prompts her to scream…and scream a lot. She jumps around and shakes her leg like a rapid dog was trying to hump it…and truth be told, that might even be better than a severed arm. Finally she kicks her leg and the arm loses its grip and flies across the room.

When arm wrestling goes very, very wrong.

The arm may be gone, but Judy continues to jump up and down, shake and scream up a bloody storm. In fact, she screams enough to wake the dead, as the coffin behind her now opens and rising up out of it comes Max, now missing his left arm, and Frannie, who’s head is on backwards. They reach out for her (with their collective three arms), which convinces her it is now time to exit this room. Back out into the hall she runs, where she makes a mad dash through the corridors to finally arrive at the front door. She tries her best to open it, but it will not budge. Then for some inexplicable reason, she decides to run up the nearby stairs. Maybe she thinks there is a method for egress available on the upper floor. Maybe she is just stupid. I’m gonna bet on the latter. So up the stairs she goes, only to be confronted by an entirely new set of dark halls and rooms.

Returning to poor Sal, we see him sprawled on the ground under the window he so recently flew through. He picks himself up and looks around. He finds that despite coming through the window, he is not outside. He is in some sort of airshaft. Grasping a water pipe, he begins pulling himself up the side of one wall.

Back with Judy, she begins exploring the house’s second floor. She slowly and cautiously makes her way down a hallway, pausing every now and then to look behind her.