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Shadow's Title: "Cavern of the Copulating Cavemen"

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Ed Wood's One Million AC/DC and the Lost Films of Antoinette Maynard

Mighty Gorga / One Million AC/DC (Special Edition)

Pain. Unimaginable pain. Those two words best describe the next hour and five minutes if you choose to proceed and watch this film. Other words that could be thrown into the mix are excruciating, agonizing, tortuous, grueling, harrowing and flat out unbearable. And that’s just for the opening credits! Once the movie gets going, look out!! You might be better off if you opted to remove all your crotch hair with a good, hard sandpaper scrubbing and then followed that up by moisturizing your ravaged balls with a nice long soak in a bowl of Aqua Velva. It would certainly be more enjoyable – and far more titillating – that watching this movie. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First off, before anything, the film presents us with this bit of text:

This film meets the requirements set forth in the code of the Adult Film producers Association.

First off… AFPA? What sort of acronym is that for purveyors of fine filth? Why not somthing a bit punchier, like Sexual Cinema Retailers, Executives & Workers? That sounds a lot better to me, plus it has a cool acronym.

Okay, I get that there is an organization founded by/for producers of adult films. However, it’s obvious to anyone who has ever seen an “adult” film that this organization does little and or nothing to uphold its pitifully low standards. The group probably exists for the sole purpose of getting together with other adult film producers, trading notes on actors and actresses, brainstorming new themes and goofy names for movies, drinking lots of booze and then coercing some bright eyed starlet into performing lewd sexual acts on the promise of a career “in film.” You know…standard Hollywood executive behavior.

No, what I want to know is…what is this mysterious code by which producers of adult films operate? Is it a written code, transcribed in sacred texts and consulted in times of moral and ethical ambiguity? Is it an unwritten code, binding people orally within certain parameters? What happens when the code is broken? Are the transgressors dealt with harshly or given the opportunity to atone for their errors? More importantly…are my attempts at avoiding the rest of this movie that transparent?

Okay, deep breath time. Here we go…

Over numerous shots of volcanic eruptions, the people to blame for this nightmare (and who all have a special place of agonized torment reserved for them in the fiery bowels of hell itself…as well as my basement should they ever stop by for a prolonged visit) have their names revealed for the world to see and deride. Knowing what is ahead, I’m wishing at this point for a real eruption to engulf my house. Sure, being roasted alive in molten lava is not the most pleasant way to depart this life, but it would spare me the agony of sitting through this film yet again.

Eventually, after all the stock footage of lava and volcanoes, we see…Bronson Canyon. Yep, the location of a zillion B-Movie film shoots has popped up once more to remind us how lazy some filmmakers can be. We see a cave and several cavemen are spotted walking into it, one carrying an entire deer over his shoulders. That’s all he is carrying! Just the deer! No weapons of any kind. He’s not even dressed all that fancy: just a fur or two to cover his ass and crotch. How did he kill the deer? I’m guessing the poor animal curled up and died from catching a whiff of his stink…or the sunlight reflected off his big, pasty white belly and blinded the deer, allowing him to get close enough to bonk it over the head with his fist.

As they enter the cave, one couple calls out to a cavewoman named Helga. Yes, you heard that right, Helga. Millions of years before the Germans and Norse came along, the name Helga was in use. Bet you didn’t know that! Anyway, Helga is told not to dawdle, as it is getting dark. She acknowledges and keeps doing whatever the hell it is she is doing (standing on the rocks is what it looks like).

Inside the cave we see plenty of more people, all of them dressed in animal furs. They also look like they’ve spent most of their lives indoors as these are the whitest cavemen I have ever seen. As that couple (Olaf and Marla) we just saw enters, the man turns to the woman and holds up a handful of grapes. He says that the grapes will make enough wine for the “virgin sacrifice and then the orgy.” WTF! You mean to tell me these guys are cavemen and vintners? Wow, talk about renaissance men. They must be pretty damn good at that wine making, since the grapes that Olaf just held up look like they won’t make more than cupful, so evidently long before Jesus walked the earth, these guys figured out the secrets of turning a few grapes into gallons and gallons of wine.

The woman chosen for the "sacrifice" is then hauled around screaming, before being divested of her furs and molested by two other broads that have also removed some of their clothing. The entire tribe seems to be watching as this occurs. One guy – Banger (yes, that’s his name) – just paints on a small handheld canvas as the two gals go to town on the third. I’m guessing what he is doing is making a visual record of the event. This may very well be the world’s first porn magazine!

After loooong minutes of watching these two unattractive women molest a third unattractive woman, the time has come to bust the virgin’s cherry. This is accomplished through the use of a prehistoric dildo that looks like some sort of long horn from an animal. As the instrument is…a…inserted, the “sacrifice” girl screams and writhes around a lot. Yikes, no wonder! They used the pointy end! Ouch!

The two other women withdraw, taking Satan’s dildo with them. The sacrifice gal continues to moan, writhe around and touch herself. This gets two of the men all hot and horny, both of them ready to be the very first to shag her. They argue and one bonks the other over the head with a rock, a fate more merciful than that visited upon those poor bastards watching this film. The victor then drops to the cave floor and gets it on with the no-longer-a-virgin girl. This scene is about as titillating as watching Rosie O’Donnell prance around in a thong.

Eventually the woman reaches her big moment, which is visualized by a volcano erupting rather than the cruise ship horn those KY jelly ads would have you believe. The man, Zak, having satiated his lust, has departed leaving the girl to be cleaned up by another woman. This leads into some lesbian kissing and petting and rubbing and poking, all overseen and drawn by Banger. This gal might have been a virgin a few minutes ago, but now she’s had her bread buttered on both sides.

Remember Helga? Well, she is still outside. I have no idea what she is doing. Foraging for berries or nuts? Looking for a good place to pinch one off? Whatever it is, a gorilla comes along (no diving helmet on its head despite the location) and sees her. Quickly it grabs her and throws her over its shoulder before bounding off with his prize. He races down the canyon to another cave. I swear, the sight of a woman being carried by an ape through Bronson Canyon would normally bring on major Robot Monster flashbacks, but this gorilla costume is so ratty and terrible – much like this film - I’m having difficulty just maintaining a coherent thought process through all this. Once in his cave, the ape sexually assaults Helga. We know this is occurring from the subtle audio clues: his rabid breathing and her horrified scream.

Back in the main cave, Banger pauses in his painting long enough to look straight into the camera, hold up two fingers on one hand and proclaim, “Peace!” Somebody shoot me. Please. Then some red-tinted stock footage from some old caveman film – probably One Million B.C. from 1940 – is then hauled out for a few seconds. Why the red tint? My guess is we’ve now gone to hell. At least, I certainly feel that way.

We now see some fat bastard that just sits around the cave all day. Since he is never referred to by any name in the film, we need to give him one. I think he really needs a simple, guttural-sounding name reminiscent of cavemen, not something more modern sounding like Olaf. Hmmm…I shall call him…Fatfuk. He also seems to be the keeper of the dildo, as he is holding the long instrument in one hand while a nearby gal with her boobs exposed strokes it like it was a …well, you know. “Tragedy is happening,” intones Fatfuk to no one in particular. You’re ********* right, ******* tragedy is ******* happening! I’m watching this ******* movie, am I not? That’s enough ******* tragedy to cover about five Titanics.

The tragedy Fatfuk seems to be referring to is a dinosaur that has recently arrived in the canyon. Outside, we see a T-Rex head rise up from behind some rocks and roar. Of course, the head is nothing more than a cheap puppet. A really cheap puppet. A quick shot shows a woman standing outside by herself. This woman is the spitting image of that other gal named Helga, though later this one will be referenced as Mia. I suppose Mia is Helga’s twin sister. They even dress alike! Next we get a new shot of the T-Rex and this time it’s played by a plastic toy. Seriously! This thing looks like it was bought at drugstore for about twenty-five cents. Then there is a shot of the puppet head looking down at the woman, who covers her mouth as if she is embarrassed about something. Maybe the T-Rex caught her taking a crap or something.

Now, one would think a giant carnivore like a T-Rex would waste no time in grabbing up this gal in its jaws and chomping her into bloody bits of bone and flesh before gobbling it all up in a swirl of saliva and gore. No, first the monster has to reach out and rip away the woman’s fur bra, exposing her pale breasts. Then it cops a feel! Only after it has verified the quality of the meat does it grab her in its mouth and begin eating. This is brought to life by pushing a Barbie doll into the puppet’s mouth, two small plastic legs protruding from the beast’s jaws. As several tribe members watch, the girl screams a few more times and then vanishes down the dinosaurs’ throat. Then the plastic toy dinosaur turns and moves away.

Inside, Fatfuk says, “Tragedy is done.” Um…no. We still have fifty minutes of this crap to sit through.

In the cave, Marla is doing something. What it may be is not important. What is important is that some dude comes up behind her and starts ripping her furs away and squeezing her boobs. Soon she is totally nekkid and yes, everything can be seen. He starts getting it on from behind and she puts up no fight at all. Alas, Olaf doesn’t like another man tapping his stuff, so he punches the guy a couple times in the gut. When the other guy falls to the ground, Olaf grabs a spear and kills him with it. Then he looks at Marla, grabs a handful of nearby grapes and then walks off. We see that the dead guy was holding a grape as well.

The time has come…er…arrived for the orgy. All couples entering the cave where the festivities are to be held must get a stamp from Banger, much like modern folks get one on the hand when entering a party. Only in these ancient days, the stamp is placed on the woman’s ass.

Remember Helga? Well, she seems to have survived the wild monkey sex (literally) with the gorilla and has managed to escape his clutches. Currently, she is sneaking out of his cave, probably without even leaving a note like some women do. She gets all of two or three feet when the ape emerges and motions with one finger for her to come closer. She looks in the camera and shrugs, as if saying, “What am I supposed to do?” Then she turns and walks back in the cave, where the horny gorilla humps her again.

Back at the orgy…wait…how can you have an orgy with only two people? Where is everyone else? Oh, sure, Banger is there to paint, but it seems there is only one couple in the midst of…coupling. Then some guy whose name sounds like “Lant,” but whom we’ll refer to as Moron, runs up to Olaf and Marla, the former still clothed in furs but the latter sitting nekked on his lap. Moron wants to know if Olaf has seen Mia. Olaf replies by saying that the last anyone saw of her, she was out picking grapes. Moron decides that he needs to find her right now. I’m guessing Mia is his woman and he's suddenly got himself a case of the blueballs that needs fixin'.

Over at Ro-Man’s…er…the horny gorilla’s cave, Helga is once again trying to get away. Again, she makes it outside before the ape runs out and herds her back into his sex lair.

Moron grabs a spear and is ready to go out looking for Mia. Olaf stops him and says that if the monster got her, there is nothing he can do about it. “Like hell I can’t,” Moron replies. Wow, listen to that modern colloquial English!

Anyway, Moron runs outside where the T-Rex puppet/toy is roaring up a storm. He tosses a spear at the monster in what has to be the lamest throw I have ever seen. Unimpressed, the T-Rex eats him. Naturally, we don’t see this. All we hear is his scream and see Olaf and Marla’s reaction to it. I suppose they could have gotten a Ken doll and rammed it into that puppet’s mouth, but since that method was used for Mia’s demise, I’m sure the producers did not want to go the same route twice.

Olaf, ever the astute caveman, remarks that the “monster is eating (insert name that sounds like ‘Lant’ here, but just think ‘Moron’ instead).” Well, no shit! I didn’t think Moron screamed because the dinosaur was trying to get fresh…though given the antics of that ape, I’m not too sure about holding the lizards in this movie to a higher standard. Olaf rushes outside and throws his own spear at the beast, which accomplishes nothing. However, Olaf is a little faster than Moron, and manages to get inside before he is eaten. He mentions that since the spear was useless, he will have to think of something else.

Inside, Banger puts down his painting gear to chase five chicks around a bend in the cave. We see all their furs being thrown away and it sounds like Banger is living up to his name. Then all five women walk back out, totally naked. We see boobs, we see bush, we see it all. When Banger emerges, he can’t seem to locate his paintbrush.

At the mouth of the cave Olaf, Marla and some dude named Kenya observe the T-Rex. No one can kill the beast and as long as it waits outside, the lot of them are trapped in the cave. Kenya suggests killing the monster by shoving something through its eyeball and deep into its brain. The question is, what? While Olaf contemplates the problem, we spend a few minutes with a pair of semi nude cavegirls as they stroke and caress a long wooden pole.

Well, with everyone trapped in the cave, there’s only one thing to do under the circumstances! It’s the same thing people do in modern times when the power goes out and they’re stuck at home. Yes, that’s right, they play Monopoly by candlelight! No, not really. They screw, that’s what! After another shot of red-tinted stock footage of dinosaurs, we get a couple screwing. Well, they’re supposed to be screwing. In reality they’re just making out and doing a lot of groping while lying close. The movie switches back and forth between these two and that pair of lesbos with the wooden shaft. This goes on for what seems like forever, punctuated occasionally be reaction shots of Banger, who seems to have found his brush and is back to painting it all.

BAM! More red-tinted stock shots from an older film. Why? I have no idea. Afterwards we see that man and woman who were just getting it on. They’re laid out like sacks of flour when another gal comes along and chases away the first one. Once she’s gone, the new gal starts getting it on with the guy!

We cut to Olaf and Marla, the former eating grapes. He mentions the orgy planned for that night. Wait a sec! You mean to say that the orgy still has not officially begun? Then what’s with all these fornicating fools?! Why is Banger stamping girls’ asses if the damn orgy hasn’t not even started yet? Marla warns Olaf that she had better not catch him with Luga at the orgy, following that up by describing this Luga as a “bitch.” After that little exchange, we are shown endless minutes of some bare chested broad as she writhes around in pleasure. We only see her from the waist up, so I guess she is riding one of the cave men (I think she’s that gal that woke the one dude up for some sex action). We cut away from that for a couple of brief scenes where Banger shows some guys his artwork, luring them with the promise of seeing dirty pictures of their sisters! Yuck. Been there, done that.

Suddenly we’re outside…and it’s not Bronson Canyon! Nope, this looks like it could be Griffith Park! We see a brunette cave girl by a stream, getting a drink when along comes a blonde caveman, who gives her an appreciative look. She prances off through the trees and he gives chase. She runs, bare boobs bouncing away. He runs after her and at one point lets loose with a lame Tarzan-like holler. She finally lets him catch her in a green meadow. Lots of heavy breathing and moaning ensue. And not from them! That’s just from me, trying to breath amidst this toxic mess of a movie and moaning from the constant pain.

Blonde Man gets Brunette Girl naked and then buries his face between her thighs. Yes, the man is a cunning linguist. A few minutes later, she gets up and runs off, leaving him licking air. He chases after her again, down the well-defined pathways of the park. After lots and lots and lots of running around, he catches her in a field of flowers and boinks her for several more minutes of screen time. By the way, I have no idea who these two people were. No names were used and they don’t appear anywhere else in this horrid film. I guess it was just a random caveman copulation.

Back at the cave, we see Fatfuk, who looks into the camera and says, “the orgy!” I guess that means it is finally time for the orgy to begin. Nothing like some group sex to cap off a rigorous day of…group sex. Before they screw, they all eat. In this case it looks like ribs. Maybe it was that deer that one guy hauled in at the very beginning. Whatever it is, it sure does look like it’s covered in some sort of BBQ sauce! Fatfuk then proclaims, “Bring on the wine!” Expert vintners that they are, they produce the local fare in big bowls and coffee cups for folks to drink.

Remember Helga? Yup, she’s trying to get away again. Now she’s crawling from the cave, no doubt saddle sore from the constant ape humping. As usual, the gorilla comes out to grab her and take her back inside. This time she lets out a scream at the idea of being subjected once again to his large hairy…hands.

We’re back at the tribe’s cave and now that the food and wine have been consumed, it’s time for the pickle tickle games to begin! Luga approaches Olaf and tries to get friendly. Marla catches them and after calling Olaf a “Son of a bitch,” she slaps Luga across the face. Catfight!!! As the two broads go at it – with the whole tribe watching and cheering them on – more red-tinted stock footage of real lizards fighting is intercut with the fight. HA! Marla eventually bashes Luga over the head with a rock. As she and Olaf walk off to find a private place to bonk, Fatfuk can be heard calling for the orgy to continue and for more wine to be brought out.

Olaf and Marla find their private place, but it is not all that private after all. It seems Banger is watching. Elsewhere, the orgy is back in full swing and we see lots of couples getting it on.

Let me just say that there is an awful lot of moaning and screaming to be heard. In fact, it’s the same moaning and screaming, since the audio track seems to be played over and over and over and over and over and…where was I? I got caught in a temporal recursive loop for a second. Oh yeah…the audio. I’m afraid that I am going to have the sound of a faceless caveman issuing forth an ecstatic and lustful, “Ohhh!” forever stuck in my mind. Olaf and Marla boink away, the former stuffing grapes into the mouth of the latter as she rides him (Banger watching from his secret hiding place the whole time).

After Olaf and Marla have finished screwing, Zak comes along and wants to do it with her. Olaf says no. Zak suggests that Olaf has been chief for too long. Both men grab stone axes and head outside to fight. Um…I thought there was a man-eating dinosaur waiting out there for just such tender morsels to come its way? It must have gone off for a pee or something.

Note - It is at this point that the movie enters its final segment, so if any of you really feel the need to watch this film and not know the ending ahead of time, skip the rest of this section.

So Olaf and Zak fight and boring story short, Olaf wins. He heads back inside, leaving the other guy laid out on the ground. Then we see the dinosaur. Then we see Olaf in the cave, looking over one of Banger’s paintings. He points to something in the painting and asks what it is. Another boring story short: Banger has drawn rudimentary plans for a bow and arrow. Olaf has Kenya fashion a prototype.

There’s another shot of the T-rex. Then Olaf and Marla look right into the camera and sing the following (sung to the tune of For He's A Jolly Good Fellow):

The spear goes into the monster
The spear goes into the monster
The spear goes into the monster
The monster loses his mind

The T-Rex roars outside and some lesbian cavegirls comfort each other over the fact that the monster cannot eat them from its present location. Meanwhile, Kenya has built a bow and arrow. Grasping his new weapon, Olaf marches off, saying that he is “off to see the lizard.”

At this point, the constant barrage of bad jokes, toy dinosaurs, unattractive naked chicks, pale man flesh and mind-numbing sound FX has made me willing to shove something into my eye and into my brain if it means an end to this mess.

Olaf heads outside and despite Kenya only handing him a single arrow a minute earlier, he somehow manages to fire two at the T-Rex. The great beast dies…off screen of course. Everyone congratulates Olaf on the kill. Everyone except Fatfuk, who is still inside. He looks at the camera and says:

“Nothing has changed much down through the ages. Man has to kill. Man has to eat. Man has to have his woman.”

No sooner has he said that than a naked chick walks over and sits down by him. She hands him the dildo of death. Outside, amongst the celebration over Olaf’s kill, Helga and the horny ape have arrived. You remember Helga, right? Now she is leading the ape by hand over to her fellow cave dwellers. Then she introduces him to the (barely) more evolved humans. The ape then picks her up and the group heads on back inside, no doubt to continue boozing it up and fornicating like there was no tomorrow. The camera turns and regards the clouds in the sky. If only they had been featured for the last sixty-five minutes, my sanity may have been maintained.

The End.

Review

Normally, this is the section where I would talk about the film and offer up my own review and opinions. The problem is, I cannot think of anything to say regarding this film except run! Run away from this film! If you see this film, run the other away!

Now, I understand that this film was nothing more than a “nudie,” made expressly for cheap thrills on the grindhouse circuit. The only real requirements in order to fill that role are naked women. Aside from the most basic of premises, anything else is not necessary. So the scarcity of funds for things like costumes and FX work is understandable. Painful, but still understandable. The worst thing about this film is that despite the sheer number of naked women seen, there is nothing about this film that is titillating or exciting in a sexual manner. Well, maybe if you’re twelve years old. I think most straight adult males will fail to find this lot of women all that attractive because they all look so thin, bony, scabby and greasy. Just imagining the smell in that cave from all those dirty people having sex is enough to make me gag. Time to move on, quick.

For the lovers of bad movies…sure, check this film out, but be prepared for pain. For anyone and everyone else, avoid this movie like the plague.

06 Mins – Bonk!
07 Mins – Boink!
15 Mins – The dinosaur just copped a feel.
26 Mins – Tyrannosaurus style? Anything like THIS?
36 Mins – WTF? Are we in a different crappy caveman movie now?
45 Mins – And thus the very first Hooters was established.
49 Mins – Catfight!
52 Mins – Marla pulls out Olaf’s lizard. Not as dirty as it sounds.
60 Mins – Fire the Foley artist! The sounds are not synched.
64 Mins – Guess who’s coming to dinner?

Olaf, Kenya and Marla discuss strategies for combating the T-Rex.

Kenya: “Hit him in the eye! That’s what we have to do, penetrate the eye and go right through to his brain.”
Marla: “Yes, penetrate.”

Shadow’s Comment: The only penetration around here is when I almost shoved a pencil into my eye.

• Sexual molestation was a spectator sport in caveman days.
• All cavemen were capable of copulating without having to remove their fur clothing.
• "Going Ape" had an entirely different meaning a million years ago.
• Never try to have sex with the chief's woman. Only tragedy can ensue.
• Even in prehistoric times, blondes were trouble.
• Cavemen were both expert vintners as well as master barbecuers.
• It's a good thing the bow and arrow were invented, cuz cavemen sucked at throwing spears.

Two members of the tribe.

Caveman: “Hey, that’s a terrific outfit you have on. What is it, Wild Fox?”
Naked Cavegirl: “No, Beaver!”

Shadow’s Comment: At least there were no cat or male chicken jokes in this movie.

Shadow's rating: The Toilet

The Good

• NOTHING WHATSOEVER!
• Wait! There was ONE good thing about this film: no naked men!

The Bad

• The fact that I watched this movie....FOUR times for this review!!
• Bony, scabby women

The Ugly

• EVERYTHING!
• EVERYTHING!
• EVERYTHING!

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